Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Ben half-shouts, half-groans into his pillow when his phone begins to ring.

He had just drifted to sleep-- the nights has been cruel to him as of late, and he knew that with Winter break only a few weeks away, his students would become more relentless.

He rolled over, his shadow following along the wall. He didn’t check the caller ID, but expected a drunk Abe or a crying Anna. “Hello?” He coughs to make his voice clear.

“Tallmadge!” A booming voice finds Ben’s ears and he cringes. “Jesus-- what time is it? Professor Sackett?”

“I have a proposition of sorts for you-”

“It’s really late-” Ben interrupts.

“Ah, right! Tomorrow, then.” And with that, his old friend hangs up, as Ben finds sleep quickly, his phone still in his hand.

--

“Mr. Washington, sir?” Ben, tucked in shirt and coffee in hand, peeks into the principal’s office before the first bell dismisses students to class.

“Benjamin,” he responds, not quite turning around yet. “My old friend, Nathaniel Sackett,” he begins. Ben furrows his brows, and then realizes he shouldn’t be all that surprised-- Sackett knows everyone, somehow. “He used to teach history courses here, before you and Mr. Hale came along. Do you know him?”

Ben lets out a chuckle, before responding. “I do, sir. He taught a class at Yale that I took-- he was my favorite professor, if I’m honest.”

He smiles now. “Yes, he gave you a call?”

Ben nods. “He did.”

“When he taught here, he did a segment on the Revolutionary War-- the navy, specifically. He always brought in historians or seamen to interact with the students and give them first hand experience and knowledge on these ships, battle movements, et cetera.” He pauses. “You don’t have to carry this tradition, however, I believe it would be beneficial. We always see improvements on tests after extra help is brought in,” Washington finishes. Ben cracks a smile.

“I think that sounds great,” he admits. “Who did Sackett have come in?” Ben, as a first year teacher, doesn’t want to rock the boat-- plus, a break from a full day of teaching sounds promising. He wonders what Nathan, his most trusted colleague, would say.

“Sackett has some people in mind. He may be stopping by later today. I’ll inform you if he does,” Washington stops, smiling slightly. “But then again, you know Sackett.”

Ben laughs. Scatter-brained, tardy, and messy. “I do, sir.”

The bell rings, and he follows the sea of students until he reaches his classroom, shutting the door with a small squeak.

--

Ben arrives to Anna’s coffee shop, the town’s favorite, and chats with her until his friend arrives. “How was class today, Benjamin?” She mocks, drying a cup with a rag.

“They’re giving me a run for my money, that’s for sure.” She smirks at him. She begins preparing his usual drink. He watches her, her soft hair in a bun. He thinks that if arranged marriages still existed, perhaps he would have wanted to be with a girl like Anna.

“Who is this mystery person Sackett is bringing along?” She slides his warm coffee over to him gently, and the door dings softly. “Oh, I guess I’ll find out.” She nods her head to the door. Ben, coffee in hand, turns to a table by the window. Upon looking up, Sackett brings in a slightly shorter man. He walks with confidence, a beard, and shining eyes.

“Tallmadge! Meet Brewster-- ah, Caleb, I mean. Caleb Brewster.” The man smiles, and Ben’s head spins.

“He loves to leave out the first name. Benjamin,” he offers his hand, before he stutters. “Call me Ben,” he smiles in a way that he hopes is inviting.

“I hear ya,” Caleb speaks, Ben’s heart shakes in his ribcage. “I didn’t know his first name until two years after I had known him!” He admits with a laugh. Ben sits, silently cursing himself for letting Caleb sit in the shadows. His brown eyes surely would have danced in the sun, he considers.
“Anna?” Sackett summons her, and Anna walks over, a notepad in hand and a pen behind her ear.

“What can I get for you today?” She smiles.

While Caleb orders, glancing at the menu and back to Anna, Ben watches. He watches him, forcing himself to stay platonic, and tries not to smile too wide when Caleb accidentally brushes his foot against Ben’s own.

--

Caleb can’t breathe.

This has happened a few times. The first time, he fell out of a tree, God love him. He was climbing, fell, and the ground stole the air out of him. His mom cleaned his wounds and then hit him lightly on the head for doing such a stupid thing. “I told you to steer clear of the woods, Caleb,” She scolded. He couldn’t put into words then, but he wanted to say that his heart wouldn’t let him roam far from the forest.

The second time was at her funeral. He saw her soft smile, in his dreams, in the clouds, in everything-- sometimes, he still does.

The third time, Lucas Brewster passed away. He sat in the hospital for hours, holding his hand until after the sun rose and the nurses quietly spoke words of hope and apologies to him.

Lucas was the only man in the family not to enter the Navy. Instead, he stayed home, watching the apple orchard, season after fruitful season. Caleb wished he had the guts to do that.

Caleb, scared of the ghosts in his hometown, enlisted the next day.

The fourth was out at sea. His lungs traded water for air. When he fell overboard during a storm and his men pulled him out, he realized the sea was dangerous, a weapon. This scared him, but not enough for him to stay away.

Caleb smiled up at Benjamin Tallmadge, noting that he never felt so happy to be without air in his lungs. He watches the taller man reach over to shake his hand, his hair long and his smile shy.

Maybe I don’t need to breathe, Caleb thought. His breath being taken by this man can’t be that bad, he bargained. When they sat down and he could breathe again, he was neither sad nor regretful-- breathing meant life, and for the first time in a long time, that was enough.

Chapter Text

Caleb vaguely listens to Sackett, his eyes following movement in the cafe. Fresh out of the Navy, (two months tomorrow, he thinks,) you learn to follow movement, in whatever form it appears.

Wind movement, current movement, the movement of the captain on ship, the movement of the bed during a storm, the--

“Brewster?” Sackett pushes. Caleb looks up at him, silently scolding himself for drifting off from the conversation. He should be better at paying attention, he thinks to himself, it’s been two months now.

“Yep, yes, sounds great,” he sounds agreeable. “Does 3:30 sound okay?” Ben asks.

Caleb looks dumbfounded. “Which day, again?” He scratches at his beard. “Uh, tomorrow or Friday I suppose, it’s Wednesday, I think.” Ben finishes with a laugh. “When you’re a teacher, the days all melt into one, sometimes,” he admits.

“Yes, indeed,” Sackett keeps the conversation flowing. Caleb watches Ben take a sip of his drink, and the light hits his dirty blonde hair. He looks like a fucking angel, Caleb thinks, how cliche. The dust floats around Ben and Caleb feels unworthy.

“Friday is better, actually,” Caleb speaks up. “I usually return home earlier from the dock Friday, I’d hate to show up to class smelling like fish,” he laughs. Ben smiles and nods. “Friday, 3:30, you can bring anything you need and we can set it up for… Monday?” Ben raises his eyebrows.

Caleb thinks it’s odd that Ben looks so serious all the time, even when he’s making an effort not to be.

“Monday should work,” Caleb agrees. “So, you’re in on the project then?” Sackett bellows, setting his cup down loudly. “Teach some eager 16 year-olds about boats and Navy history from the 1700’s?” Caleb cracks a smile.

“Oh, definitely. Friday, 3:30?” He glances at Ben, who is already looking at him. “Friday, 3:30, a dress rehearsal of sorts,” Ben responds. “Monday is the real deal.”

Caleb nods, tearing his eyes away from Ben’s.

Anna appears above them, her head turned towards Sackett. “Ben, Sackett, please introduce me-”

“Anna Strong! This is Caleb Brewster, former seamen, future teacher,” he jokes.

“Aye, I don’t have the patience,” Caleb recants.

--

“I trust him well enough,” Anna says with a smile, nodding off to their table, that she sneakily stole Ben from. Stress lies heavy on her mind, Ben notes.

“What do you mean?” Ben asks.

Anna smiles shyly. “I’m, erm, having some people over, tomorrow night. I know it’s a school night, but just to catch up, and have some fun, drink a little… he could come, you two seem to have hit it off.”

The divorce, Ben thinks. She’s talking about the divorce, trying to compensate. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, it just doesn’t work out. He sees the sadness in her. Selah is a good man, and Anna was a good wife, and still, things just do not work.

Ben doesn’t smile. He knows if he admits it or lets on that he’s interested, she’ll never leave it alone.

“Yeah, he is fun, I think,” he scratches the back of his head. “I don’t know him. Sackett referred him to teach a segment to my class, but other than that...” he trails off, surely looking lost.

Anna gives him a shove. “Bring him. Tomorrow night, even if just as friends. I want him there,” she smiles thoughtfully at him.

Ben turns just in time to see Sackett shaking Caleb’s hand, leaving Caleb standing alone as he pushes out the door.

“Go lead him home. Word according to Abe is that he’s been away for years,”

“Abe?”

“Friends through Setauket,” she shrugs. She doesn’t want to discuss it further.

“Setauket?” He lightly touches her arm to get her attention. He leans his head into her, inquiring desperately.

“He didn't grow up there, but his uncle’s farm-”

“Apple orchard, specifically, Mrs. Strong.” Caleb chirps. Ben, still facing Anna, feels Caleb’s breath on his neck, just enough for him to notice.

Anna smiles. “Yes, of course! You know Abe, right? He mentioned you--”

“Woody! Aye, yes. We worked together for a short while before I joined up,” he says. “He grew cabbage, I shipped it out,” he specifies.

He turns to Ben now. “Uh, Sackett said something about being late for a meeting. He told me to tell you to point me in the direction of my apartment. I’m afraid I haven’t been around the city in quite some time…” he trails off slowly.

“Sure, yes, no problem. Let me grab my things,” he goes to address Anna but she has already disappeared, tending to other customers.

“Where is your complex?” Ben asks.

“2nd street and Summit Cave,” he says. “I just moved in last week, so I’m sure I could find it on my own--”

Ben smiles. “No, I know the one. It’s across from mine,” he says, silently weighing the pros and cons of this development.

“Shall we?”

“We shall,” Ben says meekly, pushing the door open.

--

On the walk home, Caleb counts three times that Ben’s hand hits his own.

--

On the walk home, Ben becomes pissed that he has been deprived of Caleb Brewster his whole life. I wonder if this how heartbreak feels, he thinks silently, sadly. He isn’t dramatically sad. He just feels robbed.

--

“This will be your first time? I thought we needed an expert,” Ben jokes, leaning against the pillars of Caleb’s apartment complex.

“I think my uncle did the class before,” Caleb looks up into the sky, as if trying to recall something. “Sackett went way back with him. He never served, though. Just knew a lot. He was very smart,” he says.

Ben nods. “What happened to him?” He asks after a few moments of silence.

Caleb thinks back to four years ago, his uncle’s frail hand in his, and his words, his words that sit like mountains on his shoulders: see the world, Caleb. Go. Go see. It’s so beautiful, Caleb. Caleb, what are you waiting for?

“Old age, a few years back. I never really read the death certificate.” The light is drawn out from his eyes and Ben pleads with Caleb silently, oh god, oh no, this isn’t what I wanted, I never want to see your sadness, not here, let me help, let me help.

“I’m so sorry, Caleb.”

“It’s okay.”

Ben looks at the floor, but feels Caleb studying his face, and looks up at him. Caleb’s eyes drift off, seeing things, Ben is sure, that he could never imagine.

“It’s late.”

Ben nods. “It is.”

“Thank you, Ben.”

“Of course. Of course,” he repeats. They sit in a comfortable silence for a while. Not long enough.

“Erm, I should, uh, give you my number, so we can organize for Monday,” Ben says. The cold breeze hits him then. “So close to Christmas break, I just want to prepare you for the madness that high schoolers are,” Ben says honestly.

Caleb cracks a smile at that. Ben studies it. 

Ben, laying in bed an hour later, runs his hand through his hair as he tries to sleep.

--

Caleb, not even 300 feet away, sits on the edge of his bed. He considers Benjamin Tallmadge: teacher, friend, possible heterosexual, lover of warm caramel coffee.

When Caleb falls asleep, it is of Ben that he dreams.

Chapter Text

Caleb goes out on a limb. He is more fond of Ben’s presence than he thought.

(7:32) Out of curiousity, how early do you have to be at school?

Ben rolls his eyes when he sees his phone glow in the morning light. He loves his friends, he really does, but don’t they ever sleep in? Who needs him now?

He smiles then, upon seeing the text. Oh, he thinks.

(7:35) School begins at 7:40, teachers have to be here by 7:00.

(7:36) Why?

(7:39) You have some teaching to do then, Tallboy! I’ll check in later. ;)

Caleb debates the winky face, but concludes that the early morning small talk can always use some frivolous banter.

(7:40) Tallboy ?

Tallboy, Ben thinks. He doesn’t hate it. He’s been called worse.

The room becomes hot and stuffy and Ben knows he’s flushed.

--

(9:20) I gave him a nickname, is that weird?

Caleb taps his foot impatiently awaiting Abe’s response.

(9:24) What?

(9:27) Ben, I gave Ben a nickname. Is that weird? Are we too old for nicknames?

Abe laughs and rolls his eyes.

(9:28) No, we’re fresh out of college, Caleb. Everything is fine. He’ll probably consider it endearing.

That makes Caleb smile, his eyes get all squinty and his heart is light. Of course he does, of course Benjamin Tallmadge thinks nicknames are endearing.

(9:30) He’ll never admit that, though. His mom used to give us neighborhood kids nicknames all the time.  

“You ready, Brewster?” Calls out a crewmate. He stands, feeling taller, and hopes that Ben texts him first next.

--

(11:01) You know Caleb Brewster?

Abe always finds it funny when Ben texts him during school-- shaping the youths minds, my ass, he thinks.

(11:03) I do, I’ve heard you two have met. I should have introduced you sooner.

(11:06) What? Why? What does that mean?

It means that you both have a shite track record with relationships, you’re both lonely, and you probably compliment each other well. Like, yin and yang, a suntan and porcelain, the calm in a storm vs. the adventure in monotony. Something complex like that, Abe wishes to say, but Abe is a man of action.

(11:10) Invite him to Anna’s. He’s the missing piece in our friend group. He’s fun. Bring him.

(11:15) Is he straight?

(11:15) Not that it really matters, I’m just wondering

(11:17) Of course it matters, idiot. No, he’s pansexual. Doesn’t notice gender, or something like that.

Abe really should look into more technical terms, being in law school and all, Ben notes.

(11:18) Got it. Thanks. You’ll see us tonight, hopefully.

Us, Ben thinks. His students will finish this assignment soon, and he will have to begin teaching and be present in this classroom, but Ben can’t stop thinking about “us.”

His 3rd period class breaks for lunch and Ben takes this opportunity with haste.

(12:17) Hey! Anna is having people over tonight, and since you’re sorta new to the city, I figured I could introduce you to some more of our friends. I think you’d like all of them. Abe and I will be there, obviously, so we can always bail out if it’s not your scene.

--

Caleb, the veteran, recent trainwreck of a man, beard having, Caleb Brewster, is being propositioned by early-riser, knowledge-expander, yale-graduate Benjamin Tallmadge to attend some get-together with his friends. And, he texted him first this time.

There’s no way Benjamin Tallmadge is straight, right?

(12:19) New friends always sounds promising. I’m down. What time, roughly?

(12:20) 8? 9?

(12:24) Sounds great to me.

Ben’s heart races.

“Why the red face, Tallmadge?” Nathan Hale asks, sauntering into their joint office.

“No reason. Just warm, is all.”

Silently, he curses his face for being so honest and his hands for being so clammy.

(12:30) Awesome, I’m really excited. Should be fun.

(12:32) I’ll take your word for it, Tallboy!

--

Ben arrives to Caleb’s 10 minutes early with his heart on his sleeve. His mother always told him to practice that more often. “You’re so headstrong, my boy,” she would say.  She, too, knew he secretly felt too much and not enough at once.

“You’re early,” is all Caleb says when he opens the door.

He stands, fixing the sleeve of bis button down, smiling something that looks like adoration, but Ben ignores it.

“Sorry.”

“Ah, I don’t mind, Tallboy. Make yourself at home. Mi casa es su casa,” he says, disappearing into another room.

Ben raises his eyebrows at the thought of sharing a home with Brewster. His apartment isn’t too messy, but you can tell he’s a man of the sea-- boots, bucket hats (why??), oar-like-sticks scattered about.

Moments later, Caleb returns. “Ready?”

Ben stands with a nod, and walks over to the door. Caleb meets him there.

“Oh! Sorry, I have to,” he trails off, reaching over Ben to grab his phone that sits on the table.

Ben is smushed up against the wall momentarily by the shorter man, and he can barely speak afterwards.

“Sorry,” Caleb apologizes again, making eye contact.

Caleb’s heart speeds.

“No, no, ‘sokay,” he mumbles, hoping Caleb  ignores the blush on his pale face.

They warm up in Ben’s car en route to Anna’s, Caleb wishing Ben’s hands could do the honors.

--

“My boy!” Anna yells when Ben enters. She’s likely ¾ of the way through a bottle of red wine, and she smiles so bright; Ben can’t tell if it’s genuine or the alcohol.

Abe stands, walking to greet Caleb, then Ben. He smirks in a way that insinuates he knows something they don’t, which he probably does.

Robert waves at them cordially, and Ben turns to Caleb. “That’s Abe’s boyfriend,” he says, as Anna pushes some alcohol into his hands.

“Boyfriend?”

“You seem like a hard liquor guy. Hang on,” Anna decides about Caleb. “Whisky,” he calls after her.

Ben smiles slightly. Mary would say it looked like sunshine hiding behind his teeth, the way he smiles without giving away too much.

“Boyfriend, yeah. He was married to Mary, they had a kid, and then.. Well, things just didn’t work, I guess.” Ben finishes his wine in one drink, suddenly uncomfortable with the conversation.

“She’s a nurse now, with Abby. I guess they should be getting off here soon,” he looks at the clock, 10:03.

Anna returns with a mixed concoction for Caleb.

“Thank you, Anna,” he smiles at her. “Is she gonna be okay?”

Ben chuckles. “I don’t know. I don’t know,” he finishes.

“We watch her, though. She’ll be okay. We all sorta watch out for each other,” Ben explains.

“That’s good. This is… nice. The navy is so private. Nobody really cares, I guess.”

“We do. We do here,” Ben is serious as he reaches for a full cup of something and drinks it down. He’s not sure whose it was.

--

Mary and Abby enter at 12:30. Caleb feels like he’s in high school again, drinking vodka mixed with lemonade, and he reminds himself that no matter how old he feels, he’s still 21, like everyone else. They night is young and so are they, he has to remember.

Anna runs to Abby’s side.

With a laugh, Caleb observes how quick Anna is to greet Abby, how she stares a little too long, how Abby seems flustered. “Oh shit, is everyone gay?” 

“Ha! Yeah, most of us are kinda gay. Y’know, the whole experimenting in college thing really stuck with this group,” he says, beaming. He’s really proud, he deduces.

“Is that a problem?” Rob asks, angry.

Abe presses a kiss to his jaw, smiling. “No, not for Caleb. Not at all,” he slurs. Rob understands and winks at Caleb.

He walks to Ben, speaking with Anna and Abby. He’s buzzing, a lightweight, Caleb thinks.

“This is Caleb, Caleb Brewster,” Ben introduces Abby and Mary. “He works at the dock, he’s gonna help my class on Monday,” he gives the useless information out like candy. 

Abby glides to Anna, and Anna hands a drink to Mary. “Oh, no thanks, I’m on call,” she responds.

The music is quiet and Caleb wants to kiss Ben. His blue eyes are glossy and Caleb feels like he’s on a cloud suddenly, his body light.

“Me too, you know,” Caleb says.

“Hmm?” Ben is staring at him.

“I, uh, I like men. I do.”

“That’s funny,” Ben smirks, and Caleb feels low, real low, because he’s read the signals wrong and he always feels too much too fast and he doesn’t even know this man, and his heart pools in his abdomen, and he was just thinking about shutting up but instead--

“Because so do I.”

Fuck, thank fucking God, he thinks.

“That’s interesting.”

 Ben smiles at him, hiding it to the best of his abilities, not showing teeth, not showing a thing but the unrelenting blush and mutual understanding.

"A toast!" Ben calls, "A toast, to our new friend, Caleb Brewster!" Everyone raises their cups and Caleb is speechless. It's a drunken, meaningless gesture, but Caleb feels at home. 

Everyone welcomes them into the drunken oval of friends and they’re laughing and Ben’s hand sometimes rests on his knee and Caleb shares little smiles with Ben, and Caleb decides, yeah, this can work. This will do very well. 

--

On the walk home, the stars are shining so bright they blind them. 

"I think we could be arrested right now," says Ben.

Caleb laughs at that, Ben marvels at his wide smile and red face.

"Why?"

"Public indecency!"

"Well maybe if you would've let me drive home-"

"Caleb, neither of us are okay to drive-"

"How are you getting to work tomorrow then?"

"I'll, erm, I'll just walk to Anna's and retrieve it, a brisk morning walk, if you will."

Caleb rolls his eyes. Ben looks at the shorter man and he knows the universe did this on purpose. Those bastards, he thinks.

--

They're at the tall pillars again, the ones that hold Caleb's apartment up. Ben is leaning against them and Caleb takes a spot on the floor. The light is harsh and they can see their breath in the cold December air.

"You gonna go in there?"

"I feel warm here," Caleb fights.

"Yes, but your bed is warmer." 

"How do you know?" Caleb is being difficult now.

"Because hopefully it's not below freezing in your apartment."

Caleb smirks at that and holds out his hand to be pulled up.

"It's.. it's weird. The apartment thing, I feel like I was just 18 and moving out of my parents house."

Ben takes his hand and understands when Caleb says he's warm-- Ben is now, too.

"Well, you kind of were. We're barely adults. Did you see how Woody took that keg?" Ben laughs, shaking his head with embarrassment and disappointment.

"How was Yale? Was it.." Caleb tries to find the words. "Everything you wanted?"

"I guess. It was really incredible, yea," Ben says after thinking.

"And the Navy?"

A seemingly nostalgic smile spreads unto Caleb, one he doesn't accept. "Stories for another time, Benny."

Ben holds eye contact with his friend, his warm, whisky preferring, mysterious friend. 

"I'll see you tomorrow, Caleb."

"Ah, right. Tomorrow."

"Yeah. Sleep well." 

Caleb begins the one floor trek to his apartment, taking the stairs with caution. "You too."

There is much more he wishes to say, like how he loves Ben's friends, and that Anna and Abby are sweet together, and this Rob character seems terrifying, but he can adjust, if he can adjust to the Navy, he can adjust here. That he thinks Mary and Abe still might hold feelings towards each other, but less like marriage and more like regrets and apologies unspoken. 

He wishes to say that he practically spent the night watching, observing.

Caleb unlocks his apartment, feeling empty and full at once, a conflict in him, weighing him down. 

He lays in his bed, staring out the window, and wishes to tell Ben that he thinks the light in his eyes flickers in and out, and that he's sorry for it, and that he's not the only one with a broken light switch. 

Chapter Text

The night, which by the time it was all said and done, was about 5 hours, but oh God , it was malicious.

Caleb had fallen asleep shortly after he shut his eyes.

The sky was black and the men around him were hustling: why? Where were they going?

Aye, sir? He called.

Get under ship, Brewster.

The doors, the doors are locked, I can’t, sir, they won’t let me in-

Why is that? Hmm?

Punishment, sir? What could I have done?

The captain, his face now distorted, laughed and laughed and laughed, while the storm raged, the lightning struck and the rain felt like acid.

It’s your turn, Brewster.

No, I’m not ready! He felt primal, his voice wrecked, the ship nearly the same. He scrambled on deck, watching the sky spin.

The water rises, he’s thrown about the ship, his bones crack and the ship falls out from under him-- he’s in the storm, he’s a victim of the ocean’s wrath, a drowning man with no answers.

Caleb wakes.

He’s panicked, he looks around him, his eyes bringing the darkness in, until he determines he’s safe.

He is scared that he woke his neighbors, he is scared that he is alone.

He desperately tries to dry any water off his body, he scrubs and scrubs at his dry arms.

“Shit,” he says to the dark. “Shit.” His phone lights up on the table and he is confused all over again.

Ben.

At least he texted me, Caleb thought, after sitting on the edge of his bed, panting, sweating, wiping the sleep and a stray tear or two from his eye. Sometimes all it takes is for someone to be there, whether they know they’re doing it or not.

(6:30) Hope you had fun last night. They’re a rough group, but they’re fun.

(6:32) How’s that brisk walk, Tallboy?

He wanted to peek out his window to see if he could catch him, but decides against it.

(6:35) Oh, I love cardio. I could do this all day.

Caleb is no fool-- he can sense the sarcasm from his bed.

(6:36) Why are you awake ?

(6:38) Rough night. A story for another time, Bennyboy. I’m heading to sleep, I’ll text you after work, yea?

(6:39) Be sure to take some ibuprofen for your headache that I’m sure you have.

(6:40) I’m holding you to that story. How’d you know about the headache? Talk to you later.

The storm does not come for him. Caleb sleeps, still, soundly this time.

--

(1:12) I’m free from the dock. Gonna run home, shower & see you at 3.

Ben doesn’t answer until he arrives.

(2:52) How do I get in this place? It looks like a freakin prison.

(2:53) Ha. Coming, be there in a sec.

--

On his way to the front office, he passes Mr. Washington. “Sir,” he nods as he passes.

“Tallmadge. I heard you found someone for Monday?”

“I did. In fact, he’s here to set-up for that, if you’d like to meet him.”

Washington smiles meekly and nods. “Lead the way.”

--

Dammit, Tallmadge , Caleb thinks. How the hell do you look so nice with a hangover?

The messy hair, the bags under his eyes, the pale face, more so than usual- how does he even do that? Is that even legal?

Caleb thinks he might faint looking at him.

An image flashes through his mind: a 19 year old, poor alcohol decision making Yale student Ben, retching in his bathroom before his 8 a.m., and still feeling obligated to go. Caleb smiles a little at that, and he thinks, yeah, I’d still dig him then. He’d still be my favorite thing.

--

Ben considers 18 year old Caleb: nothing to lose, peach fuzz face, oak tree of a young man, setting himself into the world. Confident. Naive. Romantic, but often masked by his demeanor.

He runs his fingers through his hair as he greets the man in front of him.

“Mr. Washington, meet Caleb Brewster. Fresh out of the Navy.”

Ben watches Caleb, his movements, how he’s always so so sure of himself.

“How long have you been a civilian, Mr. Brewster?”

“Four months now, sir. Pleasure to meet you. My uncle taught me everything I need to know to teach these kiddos.”

Mr. Washington nods with approval.

“Plus some experience I’m sure you have now. The pleasure is mine. If you’re a friend of Tallmadge’s, I trust you’ll do very well.”

Ben tries to hide the smile, but hey, he’s a sucker for compliments-- especially about his job.

“Carry on,” Washington says.  

Once they leave the office, Caleb breathes out quickly. “Why’s he so terrifying?”

“You get used to it. He’s not mischievous, just tall. And dark. But he’s really cool- cares a lot about academics. He’s a strategy guy. Loves the students but he won’t show it in fear of being walked over.”

“I knew plenty of those in the Navy. I felt like I was getting thrashed on the ship all over again,” he jokes, fumbling with a wooden ship in the box he was lugging around.

Ben smiles to himself, widely this time, looking down. Caleb’s the sun, he thinks, and that’s that.

--

They set-up, Ben points out some problems with the classroom, like which light switches don’t work and that markers that you really have to press down to get to function. They take some time to go to Anna’s after.

“Annie!” Caleb calls upon entrance.

“Why all the nicknames?”

“I dunno, keeps things interesting.”

Ben nods and goes to Anna to order, and out the corner of his eye, sees Selah walk out of the back.

Anna is a mere few feet away, and she is stunned and sad all at once as he gives her a document and a key. He says a few words to her, to which Anna says, “I know.” He smiles sadly at her, kisses her cheek, and leaves solemnly out the front door-- a ding citing his exit.

“Anna?”

“Selah signed over the rights of the cafe to me this morning,” she says, showing Ben the key and document as evidence.

“Oh, Anna,” he says.

“I think he’s gonna leave. Move, I mean. That’s okay, I’m really into Abby and him and I…”

Ben nods, prompting her to continue.

“I love him, but not like I did. We were young, and naive.”

“What did he say to you just then?” His drink is already in front of him in a to-go cup.

“He said it will always be me.”

Anna smiles sadly, and makes Caleb the drink that he ordered last time. She slides it over in a to-go cup. “On the house.”

“I’ll stop by tonight, okay?”

Anna nods. Ben catches the hint, grabs Caleb, and leaves.

--

Caleb senses that something is wrong. “Was everything okay back there?”

“Divorce stuff. It’s been tough on her,” Ben answers carefully. He pauses to sip his drink.

They stand by their cars, awaiting the journey home.

“Will you tell me those stories? Why were you awake this morning?”

Caleb breaks Ben’s gaze, looking into his coffee.

“Better now than never, I s’pose,” he says quietly.

Ben squints his eyes as the sun drifts in and out of clouds. “I’m just being nosy, you don’t have to tell me anything, Caleb.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Caleb mocks. “I’ll explain. My apartment?”

“Sure, yeah.”

--

“How’d you know about the headache this morning?” Ben interrogates as Caleb sits at the table.

“Lucky guess. You’re sort of a lightweight.”

Ben looks offended.

Okay, no more bullshitting around, Caleb thinks. Just be honest.

“I lost my mom when I was 14. I lost my uncle when I was 18. I went into the Navy, saw some shit, died for 1 whole minute on deck, watched my friends die at sea, and still dream of it. The dreams woke me up this morning. They don’t every morning, but they did today. Sometimes I can’t go to work because the salt water makes me feel like I’m suffocating. That’s the story.”

Caleb coughs into his clenched fist, sipping down his warm drink.

He can’t look at the taller man.

Ben seems phased by the silence. He takes a deep breathe in, and begins.

“My brother died when I was a senior in high school. Car crash. My dad and I have been on shaky terms every since. I really love him, and I know he loves me, but I think he knows I like men and he’s a reverend. My first year at Yale was rough.”

Caleb looks up then.

“Just in case you wanted to know about my stories.”

“I did. Thank you.”

Ben smiles a sad soft smile. “Yeah, Caleb. Of course.”

“So you have nightmares?” Ben asks.

“Yeah.”

“That’s okay.”

“I know. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.”

Ben notices then, how Caleb smells like sea salt and the pine trees by the coast.

“I know.”

“So young and so many issues.” Caleb nods his head in disapproval, seemingly at himself.

“Not our fault.”

“I know-” Ben interrupts himself. “You died for one whole minute on deck?” Ben is suddenly astonished.

Caleb cracks a smile at his late reaction. “I did. It was pretty bad. They couldn’t shock me-- I had too much water in my lungs. It would’ve just killed me. Life has a pretty good way of putting me between a rock and a hard place,” Caleb chuckles.

They tell stories, but stories of good fortune. They laugh. Stories of the past 21 years they have been without one another, stories they tell to make up for lost time.

A good hour and a half later, Ben stands. “I promised Anna I’d stop by tonight, to check in,” he says.

Caleb’s smile fades a little, and he nods at his friend. “I’ll see you later, Ben.”

“You know you can call me. If you ever start to get overwhelmed or upset, you can call me, Caleb.”

“You can call me too, Ben. I’ll drop whatever I’m doing.”

Ben pretends that doesn’t make him sad.

“Likewise. I’ll see you around.”

--

Ben knocks on Anna’s door. “It’s me,” he says to the wood.

The door opens slightly.

“Just here to check on you.”

Anna appears behind the crack, a blank face. “Hey, Ben.”

She opens the door all the way and goes to her couch.

He sits in the big chair. “So close to Christmas, it just, God, it fucking sucks,” she spits out.

“I know, Anna.”

“I have Abby.”

“You do, yes.”

“She’s lovely, Ben. She really is. She’s phenomenal.”

Ben smiles, watching his childhood best friend smile with a tethered soul.

She went to NYU, with Abe, where they met Abby and Mary.

“Do you think you’re over nim?”

“I don’t know if I ever will be,” she wraps herself in a blanket burrito. Ben’s head is pounding.

“What about Abby?”

“She knows I want to take it slow. She’s compassionate. I remind her every chance I get.”

“She seems to make you happy.”

“She’s ethereal.”

Ben tilts his head when he hears the word.

She speaks after a reflective silence.

“You should see it.”

“See what?” Ben inquires.

“The way he looks at you.”

His head snaps into focus, looking at her. “Who?”

“If I thought you really didn’t know who, I wouldn’t tell you in the first place,” she says with a smirk.

“Well, how do I look at him?”

Anna laughs at that, the silliness of it all forcing the reaction, or perhaps the vulnerability, the obliviousness.

“The same way. Like you both are seeing light for the first time.”

Maybe, just maybe, those stories weren’t for naught, then. Maybe they led to this, to them, the rebirth, maybe they had to see the light for them to appreciate the path they’ve been on.

On the short drive home, Ben tries to keep his eyes on the road, but he’d much rather be trying to find Caleb in the constellations.

Chapter Text

“And so by the time Yorktown came around,”

“Yorktown-- the French were there, right?” A student interrupts, but Caleb doesn't miss a beat.

“Yes,” Caleb and Ben speak unanimously.

Caleb looks to him for just a moment, as Ben fidgets with the thermostat on the wall. He does not face his class, who, for being just 5 sweet days from Winter break, are behaving surprisingly well.

Ben listens to Caleb continue on, zoning out and assuming the information is correct. He trusts Caleb well enough.

The students quietly speak up, questions here and there. Some of them are more of Ben’s field and he answers accordingly. Caleb quite likes this teamwork between them-- grabbing these questions from kiddos and having all the answers-- Caleb is new to this.

Caleb listens to Ben spout knowledge as if it were common, and he wishes that just for a minute, he could reside in that brilliant brain of his.

He watches Ben give instruction as the class ends, something about homework. “Have a great day, guys, I hope to see you tomorrow!” It’s the same line he ends every class with. He speaks with slight enthusiasm, and Caleb can practically taste the pride coming from Ben.

Mr. Tallmadge: Caleb is sure he would have failed his class. He is engaging, but at first glance, intimidating, and Caleb would have been plenty distracted if he really wore those tight khakis every single day . He prays the students didn’t notice his staring.

“How many more rounds of this?”

“Actually, we’ve managed halfway through. C’mon, let’s go get some food,” Ben leads him out of his classroom and into the history department office.

“Now I’m gonna warn you,” Ben starts. “History teachers are their own species: usually either quiet, unabashedly genius, and sarcastic, or loud, feisty, and likeable.”

Caleb laughs. “Well? Where do you fall?”

“Somewhere in between-- it depends on what I’m teaching.”

“What’s your favorite th-”

“The American Revolution,” Ben cuts in, opening the door for Caleb stealthily. Caleb smiles at the ground and is met by staring faces, most surprising is Sackett.

“I shoulda known,” he jokes.

“Brewster, Tallmadge, how goes it?” He is bellowing. The quiet man next to him rolls his eyes.

“Nathan Hale, meet Caleb Brewster, former military man, current civilian.”

“A pleasure,” Caleb smiles as they shake hands. It seems to catch Nathan off guard. “Now, enlighten me: what’s the most embarrassing story you have of Ben?”

Nathan laughs now, Sackett begins on a tangent, and Ben shakes his head at his incriminating friends.

--

Ben runs to the cafeteria for plastic utensils-- Sackett destroyed all of his in an  “experiment.”

(12:36) PLEASE tell me you’re tapping that.

(12:36) Or at least supporting and loving him???

(12:38) Don’t scare him off, freak. He’s my friend.

(12:40) Right, right

(12:41) He’s a riot. Really fun.

(12:45) I hope he sticks around, for your sanity, mostly

Ben re-reads it and hopes he does, too.

(12:46) That’s the plan, thank you very much.

He sends it as he enters the office again. After a few moments, Nathan nods at him, a tight, knowing smile on their faces.

--

“You say the same thing at the end of each class, did you know that?”

“I do,” Ben starts. “It helps with class structure, and I mean it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I do. I’m always excited to come to work, usually.”

Caleb wants to hold this man's hand, he is so gentle in the way he speaks of his students. Once, Ben was worked up and said “my kids” instead of "my students" and Caleb had to silently do a breathing exercise to calm down from that one.

“Passion is motivating, Tallboy, it resonates with them.”

Caleb catches what he thinks is a tint of red on the back of his neck-- Ben’s hair is up today.

They situate in Ben’s car. He offered to carpool.

Caleb glances at him, looking ahead, controlling their destiny in this car, both hands on the wheel. Caleb tries not to stare. Caleb realizes he is anyways, and wonders how nobody else seems to stare at Ben. The thought of this plants seeds of jealousy through him, a pang of bitterness.

He wants Ben in an innocent way, regardless of what his eyes say as they scan the man beside him-- soft, dancing in their living room, sleepy, warm. Ultimately, whatever way Ben gives himself to Caleb is special-- Caleb will take what he can get of this man before he leaves, and he will love it.

--

The week is molasses. Ben knows it’s because of the approaching break.

He lays down at 11, and sleep doesn’t come until nearly 1:30. He is miserable.

He is thinking of Caleb, that bastard of a man. The shared smiles, the little winks, the gazes that last too long. Friends don’t do that, friends don’t find any excuse to touch each other, no matter how small the contact, Ben decides.

But Caleb has nightmares, and loves the sea even though it has burned his soul, even though it’s killed him. Caleb loves flowers, and his favorite is a dandelion, which is technically a weed. He has and will beat people black and blue in defense of himself and others he loves. Caleb is terrifying. Caleb cries sometimes at movies. Caleb drink hard liquor. Caleb is willing to die for what he believes in. This makes him the most surprising, exhilarating, lovely person Ben has ever known. A soul like that doesn’t stay anywhere for long.

Thinking of his departure almost makes him miss the piercing noise of his phone.

“Hello?”

“Ben.”

“Caleb?”

“It’s really, um, late,” Ben can hear his breathing.

“What? Are you okay?”

“I’m just having a really hard time.” He's panting.

Silence. Ben isn’t sure of what to say.

“I hate to bother you.”

“No, no, it’s really okay. I’ll be over in a second.”

--

Caleb unlocks the door and sits on his couch, trying to ignore the screeching demons in him.

“Caleb?” Ben lets himself in. Caleb feels stupid, small, he feels weak.

“I’m really sorry, it’s so late, I’ll be okay, you can go home,” Caleb fires off.

“No, definitely no,” Ben goes to the kitchen, getting water for them.

“It was so bad.” He shakes, shivering there, staring at the wall.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Ben reassures.

“They just kept coming, dammit, it never stops,” Caleb murmurs some more, his mouth covered by his hands. He rubs his face. His hair is messy, his eyes are red from tears, and Ben thinks he is so beautiful.

“It’s so tempting to just, scream, and yell, and I cannot fucking take it sometimes.” Caleb raises his voice, going a mile a minute, rambling loudly, taking the losses as they come.

“I know, I know.” Ben is scared.

“And it’s not even a nightmare, it’s fact, I really saw some of this shit, I almost died, Ben. It should have been me,” He mumbles, overwhelmed. Ben’s heart fractures in his chest.

Ben rubs his back slowly, nervous at the contact. Caleb stiffens, eventually relaxing into him, slowly. He cries, very quietly, for minutes, his eyes red and his brain a horrible place to be.

“Sorry, I don’t do well, you know, at night sometimes, it’s just, uh, fuck ,” he tries to speak. His voice cracks.

Ben removes his hand, sips some water, and urges Caleb to do the same. “Do you, uh, see a therapist?”

“No. This only happens once or twice a week.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’m just glad I don’t wake anyone. Well,” he chuckles with teary eyes. “Except you.”

“I don’t mind.” His voice is small, as if not to alarm his tired friend. He doesn’t admit that he was awake.

“You’re my best friend.”

“It’s an honor,” Ben places his hand on Caleb’s knee.

“I get all panicked and weepy and sometimes it’s worse, it gets bad, like when I wake up fighting my pillow or something,” he says.

“You’re alright here, and you don’t ever have to be there again.” Ben tries to comfort him, his voice soothing, but his family is full of strict teachers and strong reverends-- compassion is hard, but he feels it for Caleb, and tries his hardest to show it.

“I’m sorry it’s so late.”

“Caleb, don’t worry. I will come regardless of the time. Always. You’re my best friend.”

Caleb isn’t looking at him. A far off look resides in him, troubling him. But he grins, modestly. “Best friend is a pretty strong term for people who haven’t known each other for a month yet,” he jokes.

“Hey, you said it first. Plus, I believe it.”

“Me too, Tallboy,” He sighs, grateful. “Me too.” Ben’s hair is like honey and his eyes are dewy, magical.

“I think I’m okay to sleep.”

“Not until you finish the glass of water, you’re not,” Ben gently shoves it towards him.  

“Okay, mom,” Caleb jokes. He takes a gulp. He is shaking, only a little.

“Does your head hurt? Do you want advil?”

Caleb shakes his head.

He finishes the water in a few gulps. They sit, staring at the blank wall. The only sounds are the heater, the glass clinking on the wooden table, and their longing heartbeats.

Caleb slumps further on his couch, his breathing steady, steady, steady.

Ben breaks his staring contest with the TV, looking at Caleb, who’s looking at the ceiling.

“I’m okay to sleep.” In reality, he’s halfway there.

“You sure?”

Caleb wants to plead with Ben. Stay.

“Mhmm.” He stands, to walk to his room, to walk Ben out.

“Benjamin, thank you.”

Ben bites his lip, cracking a smile. Caleb may be imagining the tears in Ben’s eyes.

“Of course.”

“Rough nights come to all of us. Don’t be afraid to call me if you encounter one, yeah?”

Ben nods. They stare at each other for a long time, Ben against the wall.

Caleb feels Ben’s fingertips on his. He freezes.

They dance there, touching lightly. Ben pulls his hand away, slowly, and opens the door.

“Sleep well, Caleb.” His voice is drenched with sadness and sweet youth.

“You too, Bennyboy.”

Caleb returns to his bed, the electricity from his small touch keeping him up all night.

Chapter Text

“Hey, erm-” Ben tries.

“What’s that, honeyboy?” Caleb answers; Ben’s lungs shrink. Honeyboy?

“... well that’s what I said!” Anna is telling a story, excitedly, her fists meeting the counter.

“Guys. Listen.” Ben attempts.

“Why didn’t you just throw the coffee in his face???” Mary chimes in with a giggle.

“I wonder when Rob will get here,” Abe says to nobody in particular.

The tipsy conversations continue, as Ben looks on at his five friends, who aren’t nearly as panicked as he is.

“Jesus Christ, guys!” Ben raises his voice, his teacher voice, Caleb would call it. He only used it once while Caleb taught with him-- he was utterly fascinated.

“What?” Abby turns now, her eyebrows scrunched.

“There’s at least 2 feet of snow out there.”

The murmurs start up again. Anna frantically reaches for the remote.

“But Rob…” If Ben knew Abe any better, he’d say that was a whine.

Caleb is quiet, drinking his Old Fashioned-- he is overwhelmingly unconcerned. He wasn’t driving home tonight anyways.

“Shit,” Anna says lowly. “Look at this.”

They turn their heads to the TV.

“...and coming in from the West, likely the toughest snowstorm we’ve seen in Winters…”

“...up to 4 feet of snow in some areas…”

“Black Ice… pileups on crowded roadways...”

“...Snow Emergency Level III… cancel your travel plans!!...”

“We might be stuck here, Anna,” Abe concludes, surprised.

She sighs. “I like you guys, but not that much.”

Ben looks out the window: the snow falls and falls and falls, a force to be reckoned with.

--

One Day Earlier

--

Abe enters the Strong cafe, slithering his way to Ben. He greets him with a slap on the back. “Ow,” he is annoyed.

“Oi, you goin’ to Anna’s?” Abe asks, adding sugar to his tea. Ben doesn’t look up from his papers, (grading is a bitch,) but instead nods.

“Anna’s…” Ben looks up for a moment, thinking. “Is she having a thing?”

Abe laughs a little, shifting his body weight away from Ben. “Seems you weren’t invited,” he jokes.

“Aye, he was,” Anna chimes in, appearing from the back. She begins working in on a soy latte. “Caleb, too. Tomorrow night. Just a cute friend Christmas get-together, no gifts,” she emphasizes. “Yeah, especially because Rob is Jewish, it would be awkward,” Abe gushes.

Ben rolls his eyes.

“Oh, no,” Abe starts. “You don’t get to do that to me, Mr. Caleb-Brewster-Fanboy.”

Ben holds a smile back, to no avail. “Leave me alone,” he returns to his paper. Anna and Abe share a silent smile, and Abe turns to leave and Anna turns to her regulars.

Talk of an impending snow storm fills the air, but Ben stays put, completing his pile of graded papers. He walks home, allowing himself to glance up to Caleb’s window, and watches the light shut off. He smiles at the ground, stuffing his hands in his pocket, as if he were protecting this beautiful secret named Caleb Brewster.

--

“Fuck!” Abe yells.

“Is everyone okay?” Mary asks, concern in her voice.

“Yes,” chimes Ben. “Just a broken toe,” Abe retorts.

Caleb looks around, staring into the darkness. “Everyone stay calm, I’m gonna light some candles and- oh damn, where’d I put the flashlight?”

Abby follows her, touching her arm gently. “I can help,” she encourages. The softness in her voice is comforting.

They’re all slightly tipsy, but the power outage seems to have sobered them up quick.

Anna fumbles to hand out flashlights to everyone.

“Sorry to invade your house,” Ben speaks.

“It’s okay. Better in here than stuck in the cold,” Anna supposes.

30 minutes of talking, attempting to finish their monopoly game, and extra blankets pass before they all decide to pick out a place to sleep.

Abby and Anna retreat to Anna’s bedroom, Mary takes the couch, Abe is damn near passed out on a couch already.

“Hey, I could crash out here with Abe,” Caleb starts, slurring a little.

Ben smiles a devilish grin down at Caleb, speaks quietly, and takes Caleb’s wrist. They say one second of courage is all you need to do something brave. Ben is tired of this game; Ben is plenty courageous tonight.

“Or you can stay in the spare bedroom with me.”

“Are you sure? I don’t wanna intrude,” Caleb doesn’t get it.

“Caleb.”

“Oh.” His eyes go wide.

Caleb takes hold of Ben’s soft flannel now, as Ben’s quiet laugh floats through the dark house.

--

Caleb pushes Ben to the wall, already breathless. “You sure about this, Bennyboy?”

“Yes,” Ben is sure of himself almost always, but he’s rarely this confident.

Ben smashes their lips together, shivering, but leeching off Caleb. His warm hands travel up and down Ben’s waist, holding on as if it were the holiest chalice.

“You’re so warm,” Ben notes.

“You’re beautiful," Caleb says, throwing Ben’s shirt on the floor.

They move to the bed. Caleb’s mouth makes Ben whimper, as it travels down his neck, to his collarbone, hovering there. Ben reaches for Caleb’s shirt, tugging, until he understands.

“Please, hafta’ see you,” he manages.

Caleb’s shirt joins Ben’s on the floor, and Ben thinks that if Setauket were a museum, that would be his favorite exhibit.

Ben’s hand travels to the zipper of Caleb’s jeans, palming him through his pants.

“Jesus, Ben,” Caleb says into his neck. Ben lets out a small groan as Caleb imitates his act.

“Pants, off now,” Caleb says, breaking from their kiss.

Jeans land quietly around the room, and Ben reaches down Caleb’s boxers, grabbing Caleb with urgency. He winces. Ben lets go.

“No, you’re amazing, sorry, you’re just cold,” Caleb chokes out. Ben apologizes into Caleb’s chest, kissing him all over. “Oh no, Tallboy,” Caleb says, climbing on top of Ben. “You don’t get out of this one."

Caleb’s hands touch Ben’s cock and he releases a sweet moan. “Oh Christ, Ben,” Caleb sounds drenched in love. He doesn’t break eye contact with his blushing friend.

They move their hands quickly, eventually finding the rhythm that works. Ben’s head lies against the wall as Caleb pumps him, kissing his neck slowly.

“You’re so beautiful, Ben,” Caleb encourages, as blood and want pool in his stomach. “Close, Caleb, so close, fuck,” Ben whispers. “Yes, Caleb, yes,” Ben is needy and bites his lip to keep quiet.

“Yes, you’re so good love, you’re almost there,” Caleb responds. “Faster Ben, right there,” His beard scratches against Ben’s chest, and Ben moans louder now. Caleb sounds gruff and full of lust and Ben kisses him deeply when he comes. Caleb is next, Ben working his hand on him.

When he comes, Caleb showers Ben in compliments, tales of his beauty.

When Ben came, he recited Caleb’s name like the psalms he grew up memorizing, scrambling for his beautiful body that lay before him-- nothing was more important than the man in front of him- absolutely nothing.

They clean each other up, slowly, eventually falling asleep with Caleb’s hands in Ben’s messy hair and Ben’s soft lips on Caleb’s face and jaw.

--

The morning comes. The sun rises, orange and red in the sky, against the soft white that still falls.

Ben shuffles around only a little. He wishes not to wake Caleb, but his sweet grip tightens around his waist anyways.

A soft kiss is planted between his shoulderblades. “G’mornin, Tallboy,” Caleb’s voice is scratchy. Ben smiles, and relaxes into Caleb. “Hi,” he says shyly.

“You are a sight for sore eyes.”

“But I’ve been here all night.”

“I know. This is the best view I’ve ever awaken to.” Ben smiles, remembering that Caleb has awoken on mountain tops and wavy oceans and next to plenty of other beautiful creatures, he's sure of it.

“How’d you sleep?”

Ben turns to face Caleb, propping his head up by his hand, stretching a little.

Caleb whistles provocatively. Ben blushes, the heat from his face warming him.

“You- Jesus Christ, you’ve gotta stop that,” Caleb flounders.

“Hmm?” Ben rises slightly more out of the sheets.

“That blushing, I can’t deal with that,” Caleb admits.

Ben lets out a laugh. He feels so insane, blushing like a virgin, his soul squealing over this bearded, sunshine smiled man. He feels 16.

“It’s your own fault,” Ben admits.

“I know.” Caleb smiles, trying to hide it. “Time on deck?”

Ben checks on phone, the brightness overwhelming his early eyes. “7:28,” Ben replies, shoving his head into the pillow.

The bed shifts, and Ben reaches out for Caleb. “No,” he says, on edge. “Stay.”

Caleb looks at him, lovingly, so lovingly, Ben can’t stare back for long.

“I’m not going far.”

“Please come back soon. You’re warm.”

Caleb rolls his eyes and slides into the bed.

“Thanks,” Ben mumbles into his shoulder. He clings to Caleb.

Caleb kisses his forehead, Ben slides closer.

“Hey, where’d you get honeyboy from? That’s a new one,” Ben observes.

“Your hair. It’s the color of honey. I had a dream about it once.”

Ben’s heart skips.

Caleb runs his fingertips, softly, slowly, across Ben’s back, until finally, they settled again on his waist.

Caleb listens to the steady sound of Ben’s lungs. He thinks that Mother Nature could cast the darkest of blizzards upon them, her wrath unmatched, more angry than the sea, and he would stay.

He decides here he would stay, forever. The world could be on fire, and here, in this moment, Caleb would stay, holding Benjamin softly, his gentle skin the only canvas Caleb cares to see for an eternity.

--

When Ben wakes again, second this time, Caleb enters with two cups of coffee.

He sits one down, and shoves one into Ben’s hands.

“Just in case your hands are cold,” Caleb says.

It’s Ben’s turn, now-- the coffee is warm in his hands, and even warmer on his lips-- but it pales in comparison to Caleb’s warm soul all over his own.

Chapter Text

Ben still feels Caleb’s warm lips on his long after they fight the snow out of Anna’s driveway.

Caleb won’t tell him, but earlier, Ben spilled some of his coffee on his pants when he leaned in for a kiss. The spot is still damp, and it makes Caleb smile.

(9:24) How many days of Winter break do you have left?

(9:25) 2.

(9:25) And even though we were just trapped in our friends house for 2 whole days and hooked up like teenagers, I’d hate to spend it alone.

Caleb blushes, and although he’s alone, he drinks water to try and rid himself of the ridiculous heat covering his cheeks.

(9:27) Wow! Not tired of me yet?

Ben knows he’s kidding, but thinking that Caleb sometimes feels undesirable fuels a sadness in him. It feels like it’ll last a lifetime.

(9:29) Ha. I doubt that will ever happen.

(9:30) Hang tight, on my way

(9:32) The door is unlocked.

Caleb grabs his jacket and trudges through the snow, but Caleb decided long ago he would walk through the fires of Hell for this man.

--

Caleb appears at Ben’s door, knowing he can walk right in, but feeling weird- he’s never been here before.

“Tallboy!” He says upon entrance.

“Caleb,” Ben stands in the kitchen with a smile and his hands in his pockets.

“How goes it?” He lays his coat on the table slowly. The air is awkward.

“Missed you,” Ben says, turning around. Caleb smiles at the ground. Ben can’t look at Caleb because he isn’t good at feelings.

“Hey,” Caleb’s voice becomes softer, more so than he wanted, but Christ, it’s just what Ben does to him.

Ben turns then.

“We’re gonna be okay. It’s gonna be okay. It’s awkward right now, because we temporarily were 16 years old-” Ben laughs at that. “But we’ll make it.”

Caleb finds a smile on his own face. “Your smile is beautiful.”

“Thank you, Tallboy.”

Ben thinks he can never just leave it. There’s always a nickname, a quip, a joke.

“Can I kiss you?”

Caleb laughs, his heart so filled with love, he could cry. He thinks he might.

“You don’t have to ask. But yes.”

Ben moves to Caleb before he can finish.

--

“It’s really late.” Ben says. 12:39.

“Yeah, I’ll go-” “Do you want to sleep?” Ben and Caleb speak at the same time.

Ben scoffs. “Caleb, you’re not leaving,” he speaks. Caleb raises his eyebrows.

“I mean, unless you want to, of course. I just mean, don’t feel obligated to stay, of course I won’t keep you here against your will, I just mean that you can stay, God of course you can stay,”

Caleb watches Ben stumble and flail over his words, and he loves him.

“Yeah, of course I’ll stay.”

Ben holds Caleb’s arm suddenly and squeezes. He is serious.

“This isn’t a one or two or three night stand, Caleb.”

“I know.”

Silence.

“I knew since I shook your hand.” Caleb continues.

“That early?”

Caleb tries to not be offended.

“It doesn’t take long for me. Not when it comes to you.”

Ben’s legs end up on Caleb’s lap, his fuzzy socks adorable, Ben’s lungs inhaling everything marvelous about the man in front of him. He’ll take the bad parts too, he decides, as he drifts to sleep.

--

Caleb wakes to Ben’s apartment with no Ben.

Hey love sweetheart babe Caleb,

I religiously go on a run at 7 when I don’t have school, I don't know why, but anyways I didn’t wanna wake you. I’ll see you when I get back.

P.S.- I’ll come up with a better nickname, I promise.

See you soon, your Benjamin

Caleb squints as he reads. He thinks of the possible nicknames Ben could adorn him with, his spine shuddering at each one.

As he’s making coffee, Ben walks in, sweaty and shivering. “Hi,” he is shocked that Caleb’s awake and now smiling. “Hello, you beautiful thing,” Caleb responds, still turned to the Keurig.

Ben chuckles, removing his sweatshirt. Caleb turns then and Ben’s shirt rides up, and Caleb’s mind is strewn about.

“Even after a run, you’re still a masterpiece,” Caleb says, sleepily.

“I need something to call you.”

Caleb laughs. “Why?” he asks.

“It’s important to me.”

“All of them were lovely.”

“I’m gonna go shower,” Ben says, thinking too hard.

Caleb lightly touches his wrist.

“I think we should get more dirty before that,” Caleb says deep, looking at Ben with dark eyes.

Ben’s eyes flutter, he nods, and leads Caleb to his bedroom.

“You- I’m sorry I’m not good at pet names and emotions,” Ben says, removing his shirt. “You’re better at that.”

Caleb laughs breathlessly.

“You’re good, Ben. But show me still, show me how you feel.”

Ben’s mouth crashes into Caleb’s, dangerous at first. Caleb squeaks out a moan.

As Ben’s tongue slides up Caleb, he says “I love you,” his mouth open like the forest.

When they finish, it’s a chorus of “I love you” and “You’re so good, Ben,” and “Oh, Caleb.”

--

“Did you mean that?”

They are laying on their backs, hands closely touching, but it’s not quite an embrace.

“Yes.”

“Me too.”

Ben cuddles close into Caleb, his lips soft on Ben’s forehead.

--

When they wake up, texts from their friends disrupt their Netflix binge.

“Are they hounding you, too?” Ben asks.

“Oh yeah, Abe especially. I didn’t even know he liked men, and now he wants to ask about my life?”

Ben laughs. “You couldn’t tell?”

“Hell, Ben, I couldn’t tell that you liked men until you told me.”

Ben laughs at that. “Really?”

Caleb looks over him, assessing his traits. “You don’t scream gay to me, Tallboy.”

“You don’t either. I had to ask Abe to confirm. But I had my suspicions.”

Caleb throws a pillow at Ben. The teacher rolls his eyes.

--

Ben orders pizza for them. Caleb hasn’t been home in a whole 24 hours.

“I feel like a freeloader,” Caleb admits.

“Oh hush,” Ben quiets him. “We’re like, together. I don’t think that exists.”

“Yeah? Together?” Caleb can’t hide the excitement in him.

“Together,” Ben says, without looking up from his pizza.

--

Ben returns to work in the morning. The water is all frozen over down at the dock, so Caleb will mosy around until noon tomorrow and go check in on delivery rates, supplies, all the boring stuff.

Caleb is only asleep for a few minutes when Ben’s stirring wakes him. He flips to face Ben.

He opens his eyes slowly, as Ben is muttering apologies. His angry voice fill the room and Caleb realizes that Ben is asleep.

Caleb is frightened and confused. He isn’t sure of what to do, but he knows he can’t watch Ben struggle. Nightmares are hell, he knows all too well.

“Ben,” Caleb whispers. Tears form and Ben is panicking.

“Ben.” Caleb says sternly now. “Ben, wake up ,” he emphasizes.

He is shaking Ben now, as he seems to nearly shout, and Caleb is scared, so scared, but he’s sure it’s nothing to what Ben is feeling right now.

“Ben, Christ, Ben!” He yells.

Ben opens his eyes to a shirtless Caleb. He is confused. He wipes his eyes in a way that conceals that he’s doing it.

“Shh, it’s alright, come here,” Caleb coos to his sad, sad counterpart.

“I’m sorry, it was just a dream-”

“I know, don’t worry a bit, shh, you’re okay now,” Caleb is holding him, as they lay down.

“That doesn’t happen often, I am really sorry,” Ben is trying to stop crying.

“You don’t have to pretend with me, I’m here Ben, I’m here,” Caleb is gentle, he rubs his back. “Do you need anything?”

“Sam just, he just drove off the road, I don’t know why-”

“You don’t have to explain, my love,” Caleb quiets him. “Not unless it helps, yeah?”

“I just can’t believe he fucking died, Caleb.”

“I know.”

“That was years ago and it haunts me,” he stifles a sob in his pillow and Caleb’s heart is absolutely shattered-- this man is falling apart in front of him.

Caleb kisses Ben, on his forehead, on his nose, his lips soft and warm, Ben notes.

“I’m so sorry, Ben.”

“Sorry to scare you,” Ben is drained, staring straight ahead at the ceiling, his voice deep from grief and sleep.

He sits like that for a while.

“It’s okay. I have a feeling that if we share a bed together, these demons won’t go away, so I’m gonna apologize in advance for that, because not sharing a bed with you sounds worse than any nightmare I could imagine.”

Ben barely smiles at that, his shiny eyes squinting now, as he falls into sleep a bit easier now. Ben’s voice is rough when he finally speaks, but Caleb wouldn’t have missed his anecdote for the world. “You’re everything.”

--

Caleb stays up the rest of the night, watching Ben. Ben knows this when he wakes up.

I suppose you can feel your soulmate's’ eyes on you, Ben considers on his way to work. Maybe that’s how it works. Maybe Caleb knew mine were on him from the start.

This revelation comforts Ben.

He smiles. The sunshine pouring into his smile, into his soul, he knows, is Caleb.