Chapter Text
Introduction
A human being is an interesting little thing, it can adjust to nearly anything. If Soyong had understood that earlier, she might not have jumped in the lake in an attempt to end her miserable life. More than a year ago, she didn’t know that she could grow used to her constant sadness.
Now she feels that her life is a well-staged play. She wakes up. Washes up. Eats breakfast. Does her daily duties for the inner court. Eats lunch. Walks in the garden or by the lake. Finishes more inner court business. Eats a late dinner. Falls into a troubled dream.
And this circle repeats over and over again. Seasons change, but her daily schedule does not. Only when her son was born did she feel a sense of happiness. Sometimes Soyong thinks that if she was not distracted with her son or the inner court, she would simply be lost with nothing left to do.
Soyong makes the decision to try to change her life no matter how hard it will be. She doesn’t know where to start and exactly how she’s going to achieve her goal, but she wants to find more light in her gloomy life.
One late summer morning, she wakes up before everyone else and secretly leaves Daejojeon Hall. The sky is only starting to show a light purple hue after a dark night. She goes on a walk in her nightdress in her bare feet. She enjoys the refreshing feeling of the morning dew as it helps her fully wake up. Soyong notes that for the first time in a while she has found something new and pleasant in the palace.
When she finally arrives at the lake, it’s already pretty bright. Soon the palace will wake up and be full of attendants running around with their daily duties. And Soyong’s wonderful moment of silent privacy would disappear.
“Bong Hwan-ah,” she whispers, sitting in front of the stone where the spirit wrote down his name. “You left such a big shadow. I’m not sure I will ever be able to fill it in.” Soyong caresses her palm over his engraved name.
The past year hasn’t been as happy as Soyong would have hoped for. She thought that she had finally found her own voice, but soon realized no one wants to hear it. Everyone waits for another tone and different actions. She sees it in every gaze from her closest friends. They try to hide their fleeting disappointment when the ghost of the Queen they loved is missing. Soyong isn’t someone’s doppelganger – she wants to be herself and stop thinking that she might remind everyone of the Other Queen they cherished so much.
At least Hong Yeon and Court Lady Choi are ready to accept her no matter what. After all, they were fond of her before the spirit turned up in their lives. Whether she’s bold and scandalous like Bong Hwan or a well-mannered lady, they still love her. Though she notices in their eyes how much they miss the unpredictable part of the Queen they lost.
The King’s feelings on the other hand are a completely different story. For him, accepting the truth was harder than fighting all the rotten clans in Joseon. One day shortly after they won and the spirit disappeared, Soyong gathered up all her courage and told him everything. For the first few days after, she thought that maybe it didn’t matter to him that some part of the woman he loved had vanished forever.
But soon enough they drifted apart from each other. Soyong was mostly responsible for that though. Cheoljong was ready to nobly follow his promise to never hurt her again. But Soyong couldn’t agree to that. They both deserved better. He deserved his Queen he fell in love with. She deserved to be loved as a whole person, not as part of someone who she isn’t anymore. Soyong believed they could not give each other what they wanted.
Now she has made an important decision to let go of all her worries and simply live. She will find new little things to enjoy and she doesn’t need anyone’s approval. She’s tired of living in someone else’s shadow, and it’s time to spread her wings and be happy. She didn’t survive a real-life nightmare to feel regretful for her whole life. Others would accept her as she is, or they could go away from her sight.
“I’ll find my way home, wherever that home is.”
Chapter 1: Love Me, Love Me Not
A peach aroma fills the room as the Queen and the three concubines sit down for some tea and snacks in the Queen’s chambers. Usually, they meet outside in the gazebo or in the garden, but today is a special day and they want some privacy.
Suk-ui Min requests the meeting to announce that she has made the decision to leave the palace.
They are drinking peach-flavored tea and eating her favorite cakes from back home in honor of her request. Apparently, Suk-ui Min already had a beloved one before she entered the palace. They did not stop caring about each other and exchanged letters almost every week. As the King never visited any of his concubines, no one minded her business, and her provocative letters were never inspected.
Soyong and the other concubines welcome the news quite warmly. Thanks to the Queen’s changes in inner court rules, deposed concubines could remarry and Suk-ui Min planned to be the second one to use that opportunity. The first was Lady Jo Hwa-Jin, who left the palace before the rules changed. She married Prince Yeongpyeong shortly after the new rules were established. Soyong was very happy for her former enemy, as they were childhood friends, and they decided to let go of their resentment toward each other moving forward.
Soyong listens to Suk-ui Min’s lovely story with a soft smile. It was worthy of being the subject of the next Cha Eun-Woo novel. It was a love that grew from a fond childhood friendship and did not end when she was forced by her family to marry the King.
But Suk-ui Min also regrets that she has to leave her friends in the palace behind, and the mood in the room shifts from being happy to sad.
“I’ll be missing our walks in the gardens!” Suk-ui Yoon starts to whimper a little.
“Hey, I’m still staying!” Suk-ui Hong pouts light-heartedly. But Soyong knows behind that irritated appearance hides a soft and kind girl as the cutie always cared about the youngest and most innocent of them all.
“I hope you two don’t have any plans?” Soyong asks out of pure interest. It would be sad to be left alone in the palace. Of course, she always has Hong Yeon and Court Lady Choi as her closest friends. But Soyong has grown fond of the concubines as they became friends over time as well.
“We are planning to stay by your side, Your Highness,” Suk-ui Hong answers with a small bow of her head, while Suk-ui Yoon nods by her side in agreement.
“What a relief,” Soyong sighs. “I’m not ready to lose all of you at once.”
“Now I feel a bit guilty,” Suk-ui Min pouts, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. Soon the room is full of whimpering sounds as the four women can’t enjoy their tea anymore. They reminisce about stories they shared in the past and promise to write letters to each other at least once a month.
But this is not the only unfortunate event of the day. As Suk-ui Min leaves the palace, Soyong now has to meet a person she has avoided for a long time – the King himself.
The palace is huge and they could conceivably live here without crossing paths unless it’s needed.
But somehow they always bumped into each other. It happened so frequently that Soyong started to suspect the King did it on purpose despite her insistent requests to keep a distance. She eventually asked the Head Eunuch to share His Majesty’s schedule with her, so she could make plans to avoid him. Since then, they met only when both of their appearances were needed and they were usually in the company of other people.
Suk-ui Min could’ve asked the King herself, but Soyong felt responsible for her as she and Bong Hwan had selected her as a concubine.
“Her Highness the Queen!” the Head Eunuch announces her arrival before opening the doors to the King’s study. He sits on his raised seat with an open scroll in his hands, pretending to read it mindfully. Soyong knows him well enough to spot pretense as they used to spend nights discussing politics and Joseon’s future, so she knew when Cheoljong was truly consumed by work. Back then, they were comfortable being alone together late at night. Well, they weren’t alone, as the spirit was present and she wasn’t herself completely.
“Your Majesty,” Soyong greets him with a bow.
“Ah, my Queen,” Cheoljong makes a face of surprise, setting the scroll down on the table – as if he wasn’t aware of her presence until he heard her voice. “To what do I owe such an honor?”
“I have come to speak on behalf of Suk-ui Min, Your Majesty.” Her formal tone is emotionless and neutral. “She wishes to be deposed and go back to her hometown.”
Cheoljong sits quietly, looking at Soyong as he waits for something. The silence awkwardly goes on too long.
“This is all you wish to tell me, my Queen?” Cheoljong finally asks.
“It seems as if you have something to tell me, Your Majesty,” Soyong counters, frowning as she recalls the familiar conversation. But now the roles are reversed.
“I visited the heir this morning,” Cheoljong starts.
I’m aware of that, Soyong thinks to herself.
“But you of course already know that,” he continues.
So he knows that the Head Eunuch shares his movements with me, Soyong concludes but does not comment on the insinuation. She also notes that he avoided referring to the prince as their son – perhaps in an attempt to escape acknowledging they have someone to share. The last time Cheoljong called the prince “our son” was on the day he was born. On that day they forgot about any troubles, they were just the happiest parents in the world. They both deeply love their son, and the fact that he avoids using words like “we” or “our” did not change that.
“I was thinking, for the prince’s sake, it would be preferable if both of his parents would visit him together from time to time. Don’t you agree, my Queen? I think that would be better for…”
“I agree with your observation, Your Majesty,” Soyong suddenly interrupts him to his evident surprise. He probably prepared more points to defend his proposition.
Soyong has also been thinking lately that it’s time for them to stop avoiding each other’s company. She needed time to cope with Bong Hwan’s absence and figure out who she is without him. While the King needed time to process that the woman he loved so much is gone.
There is only a shell left from her, Soyong thinks glumly. I am the shell, the living reminder of the woman he once loved.
But they can’t live like this forever. They have to form a new type of relationship in their marriage, not the same one they used to have. And Soyong decides she’s ready to try.
“I think we need to reconsider our marriage…” Soyong starts carefully. “Our son shouldn’t suffer just because his parents do not love each other anymore.”
The King’s face is a stoic mask, and only his stormy eyes show what he feels inside. Soyong is thankful he holds himself together.
“Besides, we still share a common goal, to make Joseon a better place,” she continues. “There are some ideas I can’t establish without your support.”
“Is that true?” the King asks sharply.
“Yes, Your Majesty. I only rule the inner palace, but I want to do more for people outside…”
“I wasn’t asking about that,” he interrupts her. “You do not love me anymore?”
Ah, about that… Soyong doesn’t know how to answer. Her love for him has not changed, even after more than a year of living separately. His feelings, or lack thereof, were always their problem. Before the spirit and after.
“It’s enough if one of the two parents lacks feelings.”
“And who is it from the two of us?” His voice is low and tense as if he’s ready to snap at any moment.
“Your Majesty, with all due respect, I suggest we don’t start a fight in our first conversation in months.” Soyong’s voice is firm and cold, displaying that she’s not going to elaborate on the topic today.
Soyong is glad Cheoljong lets it go for now.