Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Adrien is intimately aware of the fact that he isn’t perfect.

He has to. Because he knows perfect is what people expect from him, and he knows he is always falling short.

Adrien is intimately aware of the fact that he isn’t perfect.

But nobody else is.

For everyone else he’s Adrien Agreste™, property of Gabriel - and with Gabriel everything is perfect. He has to have the perfect smile, the perfect body, the perfect life, the perfect attitude, the perfect everything .

Adrien Agreste™ is radiant, carefree, dreamy. He’s Adrien the Fragrance. Adrien the Model. Adrien the Per fect .

Adrien the Per son , however, isn’t any of those things.

He isn’t a fragrance (unless you count the camembert), he isn’t a perfume, and he isn’t perfect.

(He doesn’t know what he is.)

But everyone expects him to be.

So, Adrien the Person may not be perfect, but Adrien Agreste™  is. And everyone wants Adrien Agreste™, not Adrien the Person.

One thing Adrien Agreste and Adrien the Person have in common is that they both love school.

Adrien Agreste loves it because of the friends he gets to make, because of the activities he gets to do and the stuff he gets to learn.

Adrien the Person loves it because variety is the spice of life. And at school he gets to take a break from being the perfect son, and instead gets to be the perfect student, the perfect friend.

Adrien the Person loves it because he isn’t constantly shoved in the corner, but rather he’s shoved in the front of the classroom.  

Adrien the Person still needs to play the role of Adrien Agreste. He always has to play the role of Adrien Agreste (because everywhere he seems to go people know Adrien Agreste). But here he gets to play a variation of Adrien Agreste, a limited time offer version of Adrien Agreste, a seasonal special Adrien Agreste™. 

And that’s a nice change in pace. Adrien Agreste: Student Edition™ still has to perform the same main functions as the original, which are looking good and smiling and being polite and perfect, but he also gets to do it with some slightly different accessories. Instead of being docile he has to be friendly. Instead of only listening when people talk he can respond. Instead of working himself to the bone with poses, he works himself to the bone with classwork.

Or at least he’s supposed to.

But apparently this Adrien Agreste: School Edition™ had some kind of manufacturing error- because for some reason he forgot about this physics test coming up (the reason is modeling and piano and fencing and chinese (and super-heroing), but he’s Adrien Agreste so none of that should be a problem), and as such was unable to study for it. 

For a normal kid this wouldn’t be too much of a problem, Adrien is good at physics- he absorbs the material quickly and genuinely loves the class. So coming into your favorite class and being told there is a surprise test may at most make your heart skip a beat before calming down, but it isn’t the end of the world. When it’s your best class you have to just sit down and do what you can. Maybe you get a few of the more niche questions wrong because you didn’t study, but having a good grasp on the general concepts can get you pretty far.

The thing is, as the whole world seems to know, Adrien Agreste is not a normal kid.

He’s perfect.

Adrien can be a very hard person to read, even with Adrien Senses.

People would argue that he’s an open-book, but really Nino would say that what they see is simply the very eye-catching cover of a book. A cover so distinct that everyone assumes they already know what is in the book and don’t bother reading it.

Adrien is an excellent example of the phrase “don’t judge a book by its cover.” And it goes to show the amount of people who don’t heed that advice.

Being best friends for a year, getting Adrien Senses is kind of a requirement. And honestly those powers may be more impressive than the powers the turtle miraculous gives him. Because anyone could wield a miraculous, but how many can read the person behind the dazzling smiles his bro makes?

That’s why the key to Adrien Senses aren’t about looking at his face and his plastered-on smile.

It’s looking at his body.

Now, Nino is 100% in love with Alya, but the point remains that in order to understand how Adrien is doing, you have to look at his body. (And it’s not gay to look at a dude’s body once in a while for vibes, right?)

Typically, Adrien tends to constantly be moving in some way: writing in class, drumming his fingers in a piano-like pattern, biting his cheek, fidgeting with the sleeves of his jacket, playing with the ring on his finger, shifting in his seat. It’s not really noticeable unless you look for it, almost like he’s gotten used to hiding it. (which, given his father, Nino wouldn’t be surprised.) Adrien moving is a fact of life, he hates staying in one place for too long (which makes Nino wonder more about his modeling career) but he tends to do a good job at hiding it. 

And when that changes Nino knows something is wrong.

It starts when Nino asks him for help with a question on the physics study guide for an upcoming test later in the day.

“The what?” Adrien says, yanking his head from looking at Marin– looking in a certain direction where certain people happen to be standing, towards Nino who had pulled out the paper with the aforementioned question on it.

“The study guide? I was working last night with Alya and we weren’t sure about number eleven, figured it was best to check with the weirdo who somehow likes this annoying subject.” Nino responds with a teasing jab at him, expecting an Adrien-like response that physics is actually an incredibly useful thing to know, and research of it has benefited mankind (and then he would start ranting about how Ladybug must often use physics to save Paris daily even though Nino has never heard her mention it once .)

But he doesn’t.

He gets quiet.

Really quiet.

And then… “Huh?” Adrien looks like a confused puppy, or maybe a kitten, who someone had suddenly yanked the toy from and hid behind their back.

“The study guide?” Nino repeats, still confused about his bro’s confusion, “For the tes-” Wait… “Holy shit did you forget there is a test today?”

And then Adrien freezes. All movement stopped including the consistent tapping he has been doing on his thighs since Nino saw him at school.

He had.

“You did?!” Holy shit. “Wow, Mr. Physics-Is-My-Second-Love-After-Ladybug forgot there was a test today?” Nino exclaims in shock.

And then instantly knew that was the wrong thing to say because Adrien looked sick, his hand coming to his finger to twist the ring he wore. And not the casual twisting he would sometimes do when he was bored or excited or talking about Ladybug or doing any baseline Adrien activity, but the anxious rotating where it was rough and fast and you worried about the skin beneath it.

Okay, uhhh, damage control: “H-hey, I mean, I wouldn’t worry too much dude. You’re one of the best in the class! And most of the stuff in the study guide is material you helped me out with last week, you probably don’t even need to study! A-and the study guide isn’t even a graded assignment! Don’t worry about your old man, I’m sure you’ll do fine. Better than me I’m sure.” 

He’s not even lying. He’s sure Adrien would do fine if the test was dropped in front of him right now. He probably would have done well if he was given the test a week ago. So his father has to be the reason he’s panicking, right? The old geezer had threatened before to take Adrien out of school if his grades weren’t up to snuff (which for him means perfect.)

Adrien pauses, takes a breath, and looks at him, giving a little chuckle. “Yeah, Nino,” he says, putting his arm on Nino’s shoulder, “you’re probably right, what problem did you need help with?”

Nino’s unsure but holds out the paper again, pointing to the problem, and Adrien proceeds to explain the first law of motion and how it applies to kinetics.

But the whole time Nino can’t help but notice that he’s still twisting his ring.

If there were to be an extra credit question on the exam to explain how these physics concepts relate to daily life, he would say that the first law of motion fits using Adrien Senses quite well.

An object in motion stays in motion with the same speed unless acted on by an external force.

And an external force seems to have just hit Adrien.

As the day goes on it only seems to get worse from there.

Nino watches during class as the subtle, fluid movements Adrien tends to normally make turn into blown-out fidgeting, including tapping his foot under their shared desk at increased speed until the whole thing was vibrating and it was a struggle to write anything down. Which is when Nino knows something is really wrong.

Because rule #2 of Adrien Senses, Adrien never taps his feet if he can help it, restricting most fidgeting to subtle things using his upper body. That’s not to say Adrien doesn’t fidget with his legs, but when he does it tends to be because something is wrong, and the fidgeting never seems to last more than a minute- because the second Adrien is aware he’s doing it he seems to put effort in to stop (which is another thing to add to the “Reasons I Hate Gabriel Agreste” list Nino has).

But the table has been vibrating for the past ten minutes, and is starting to gain the attention of Alya and Marinette behind them.

“Boys, is everything okay over there?” Mme. Bustier’s voice cuts in, pulling Nino from his observation of the obscure creature that is Adrien to the front of the room where Mme. Bustier is looking at them with concern.

The vibrating table stops and Adrien stops taking notes to turn to Nino with a concerned look on his face as he says “Yeah? Nino, you good?”

And it maybe would convince him, except once Mme. Bustier turns back to teaching the lesson Nino can swear he hears Adrien breathe the word “idiot” to himself as he goes back to taking notes and the rest of the class period goes on without Adrien fidgeting at all.

Once break comes, Nino’s about to ask Adrien if he’s okay, but the blond quickly rushes past him saying he has to use the bathroom.

And then he’s gone.

He’s such an idiot.

That’s all Adrien can think as he rushes into a bathroom stall during the fifteen minute break before the physics test that he stupidly forgot about.

How stupid can he be?

Well the answer there is very. There’s a reason why Ladybug is the leader of their duo (trio? quartet? team?) There’s a reason why father never asks Adrien for input when it comes to the advertisement campaigns he’s in. There’s a reason why Plagg and Ladybug never told him about Master Fu. There’s a reason why Nino and Alya constantly call him a “sunshine child” whenever he calls Marinette a “friend”. There’s a reason why Ladybug looks exhausted at every other word that comes out of his mouth and got new teammates.

And that reason is that Adrien is an idiot.

Because only an idiot would completely forget about a test in their favorite class, then panic to the point of losing control and making distracting, obnoxious movements in class that he’s been repeatedly told by his father are inappropriate. All the way to the point where Mme. Bustier had to stop her lesson and ask if he’s okay.

And he’s fine!

Adrien Agreste has to be fine. Which means to everyone watching Adrien is fine, because for them Adrien is Adrien Agreste.

And Adrien Agreste is a perfect star student who is always getting perfect grades to take to his perfect home for his perfect father so he can live his perfect life.

And so what if this perfection gets ruined because Adrien stupidly forgot about a test in his favorite subject? So what if something Adrien genuinely loves doing is what ruins the perfection that is Adrien Agreste™? So what if, after all this time he’s spent blathering on to people about physics, that’s the class that he ends up falling apart in?

So what if he has fifteen minutes to get his act together before the perfection Adrien has crafted for everyone goes to hell?

Fifteen. Minutes.

And with that he opens his bag and pulls out his physics notebook, tearing through the pages as he tries to cling onto any possible bits of knowledge that might have slipped through his useless brain.

A black blob comes out of his bag as well, “Kid-”

“You should hide Plagg, anyone could come in.” He desperately whispers as he looks away from the notebook for a second to see if he can recall the different types of mechanical energy and the equations for them.

Plagg just floats in front of him. “We’re in a locked bathroom stall, Adrien,” he says, like he’s an idiot.

Well to be fair Adrien is an idiot, that’s been well-established.

He ignores him and looks back at his notes: yep, kinetic energy, elastic potential energy and mechanical pote-

“Adrien!”

He forces himself to look back up at Plagg, who is looking increasingly concerned. Why is Plagg concerned? He’s fine. He has to be fine. Because this is just one stupid test and Nino is probably right, Adrien will probably score well regardless of the fact that he hasn’t studied at all or done the study guide and what if there are questions on the study guide that weren’t discussed in previous homework, so Adrien has no idea that these concepts will be on there even though everyone else will and what happens if now he forgets the equation for elastic potential energy despite having previously thought he knew it, or what if because he it turns out that the equation he had learned was wrong and his notes are wrong and he’s wrong and everything’s wrong and-

“ADRIEN!” 

“What?” He chokes out as he brings himself to focus on Plagg again who had at some point become a blurry black and green blob directly in front of his face.

Plagg’s voice drops down to the voice he uses when Adrien has shut down in his room after a day has become Too Much. “Hey kid, it’s just a test, and Hat Boy is right: you’re really smart, at least with this shit, I’m sure everything with your old man will be fine.”

And he knows Plagg is right. At least about it being just a test. It’s one test in a class he has the highest grade out of everyone in, even Max, and even if he were to somehow completely bomb it his grade would probably still be an A.

So why is he panicking?

Plagg is still talking too… “-and if not I can always Cata-you-know-what him-”

“Plagg, I'm not worried about Father.” He says, cutting Plagg off from one of the threats he’s heard dozens of times but knows Plagg would (hopefully) never go through because that’s way too extreme. His father would never deserve to die!

Plagg just looks doubtful though, “Are you sure, kid? Because isn’t he the dick who says he’ll take you out of school if you do anything less than his insane, impossible standards?”

He ignores the “dick” and “insane, impossible standards” part and focuses on the “take you out of school” because yes, he has. But for some reason Adrien hadn’t even been thinking much about that until Plagg and Nino brought it up ( “Kid?”) and oh my kwami why was he panicking before ( “Kid?!” ) when this wasn’t even something he had truly considered and wow he really is stupid because he never thought about that even though they both had ( “Shit! Kid!”) and what if when he fails he also fails his father and Nino and Plagg because he can’t go to school or be friends with anyone or be Chat Noir anymore or-

“KID!” And then there’s a flash of pain by his ear and then Adrien is aware that everything has gotten blurry again and-

“Did you just bite me?” He breathes out in shock as Plagg floats from his ear back towards his face.

Plagg at least has the decency to look at little bit apologetic, “You were hurting yourself kid-” and then Adrien looks down to his arms where at some point he had starting scratching them raw, “-and the first bell just rang and I figured you’d-” SHIT.

Adrien forces himself up at that (when did he start sitting down?) and starts stuffing his notebook in his bag before rushing out of the stall, going to the sink to fix his hair and face so he doesn’t look any more pathetic.

“Kid, really, are you okay?” Plagg says as he floats by Adrien as he quickly combs through his hair and splashes some water on his face.

“Yeah Plagg I’ll be fine,” and also- “and aren’t you supposed to be hiding, anyone could come in!” Because the last thing Adrien needs today is to screw up even more and have his identity revealed.

“No one’s coming in,” Plagg calmly says with complete confidence, “and if they somehow did, I’d hide. People are blind anyways, I need to make sure my kid isn’t dying in a public school bathroom.”

Adrien would normally make a joke, but Plagg genuinely looks concerned, which only makes him feel worse because shit, did he actually scare Plagg? The last thing he wants is someone to worry about his pathetic self, and Plagg is a god , surely he has better things to do?

Adrien brushes his hands through his hair one more time and looks at the mirror. Yeah, he looks passably like radiant, carefree, dreamy Adrien Agreste. He then turns to the floating black kwami, cupping him in his hands and petting him to hopefully comfort the little guy after Adrien’s needlessly dramatic breakdown.

“I’ll be okay Plagg,” he says, forcing some calm into his voice, “but now I need to get to class-” to fail “-and you need to hide.”

Plagg just pushes his head into the hand petting him before he floats into his bag, awaiting the failure that is Adrien.

Adrien takes one more breath before he leaves the bathroom, ignoring the mirror that he doesn’t remember having been cracked before, as he heads towards physics class. Where everything will be totally fine.

Because it has to be. He has to be.

(He doesn’t know what he’ll do if he’s not.)

If Nino’s Adrien Senses were tingling before, they are ringing now. Ringing like one of those alarms installed to alert people of an akuma sighting.

Nino didn’t see the dude for the entire break after he disappeared right after class, even attempting to check the bathroom at some point only to find the door locked.

Maybe the bathroom was broken so Adrien had to walk somewhere farther?

Maybe… but Nino waits all break while holding hands with Alya for his best bro to show up and he never does. Marinette also asks where Adrien was, with him only to say that he thinks Adrien went to the bathroom but should be back soon, because the last thing he wants is Marinette to work herself into an anxious frenzy over Adrien’s whereabouts. By the time the first bell rings he can tell they’re both worried, but Alya just pulls them over to Mme. Mendeleiev’s class for that dumb physics test they have to take, saying Adrien will probably meet them there.

And she’s right, seconds before the final bell Adrien rushes through the door and throws himself into the seat, giving a smile to them that based on everything else today Nino can only assume is fake but before he can ask-

“Kubdel. Pass these out.” Mme. Mendeleiev’s voice cuts through the chattering in the room right after the final bell rings. As Alix gets out of their seat to pass out the torture devices that are physics tests their teacher continues with their normal test spiel: “You will have the next seventy minutes to complete this test, nothing is allowed on your desk except for a number two pencil- quit your giggling M. Chiến Lê! And a calculator-” 

She continues to talk but Nino and the rest of the class have all heard this a million times before, so unless she randomly adds in that you need to break dance before turning the test in (which, honestly sounds rad and would make this whole thing 1000x cooler) then it should all be the same boring stuff.

Adrien’s just twisting his ring, though, staring intently at Mme. Mendeleiev like every word she says could be life-changing. Taking a closer look he now notices that Adrien's shirt looks a bit wet, making Nino wonder again what happened during break.

“-begins now. You have seventy minutes.” 

And then Nino has to tear his eyes away from Adrien towards the paper Alix must’ve put in front of him. 

Okay, he can talk to Adrien about whatever is bothering him after but right now his physics grade is bordering on a C and the last thing he wants is his mom to take his headphones away until his grades improve. Even worse, she may not allow Nino to see Adrien in the little bit of freetime he does have outside of school.

He goes through the test relatively quickly, getting increasingly grateful for the time he and Alya actually spent studying yesterday as well as the fact Adrien actually explained the homework to him, rather than leaving Nino to look up all of the answers online. There are a few questions he stumbles on, but nowhere near as many as some of the physics tests he’s had in the past, and when he turns the paper into Mme. Mendeleiev at the front he can say he’s pretty confident with how he did.

Maybe he and Adrien can still go to the movies Saturday?

Finishing the test early means he has more time to (platonically) stare at Adrien, who looks like he’s in increasing pain with every minute that passes. He’s not writing non-stop like he usually does, and seems to just be staring at the paper blankly for a while before he takes his pencil to write something, only to erase it multiple times and write more. At one point it looks like he’s writing a whole paragraph, and Nino has no idea what question that is for. He’s using the calculator a lot too- typing in what appears to be the same equation multiple times before finally writing something down, only to type in the calculator again right after that.

All the while his legs keep twitching like they want to move but something is holding them back.

Nino can say that this is the most frantic Adrien has ever looked during an exam. The entire time he just wants to pull him aside and have him tell Nino what’s wrong. Did something happen with his father? Maybe they had a bad talk and this surprise test was the last straw? Maybe he threatened (again) to pull Adrien out of school if his grades weren’t perfecter than perfect? Maybe he finally told Adrien what happened to his mom?

The rest of the period passes with Nino watching Adrien’s movements get more and more agitated, all while his face remains almost perfectly blank. When it gets to only ten minutes left, pretty much everyone is done with the test, some of them (like Alix and Kim) chattering in the back only for Mme. Mendeleiev to shush them, which only seems to make Adrien more tense and writing more frantically.

When it looks like he’s finally done- taken far longer than any exam Nino has ever seen Adrien do in the past- he flips through the pages several times until Mme. Mendeleiev says there is only five minutes left, where he then flips through it once more and then shakily gets up to turn it in.

While he’s up with Mme. Mendeleiev, Adrien whispers to her, and Nino can make out something with the word “bathroom”, to which Mme. Mendeleiev just nods and Adrien leaves quickly, all while Mme. Mendeleiev follows him with eyes full of concern.

Important note: Mme. Mendeleiev never lets anyone leave exam periods early, even if they finished their test. She’s so paranoid about cheating that she only releases the students once all the tests are carefully locked away. So her letting Adrien leave early is a sure sign that something is wrong. Especially since Mme. Mendeleiev is one of the last teachers Nino thinks would be concerned about a student’s wellbeing.

He gets up out of his seat to ask to use the bathroom, wanting to try and catch Adrien before he disappears again, and when she actually lets him go, Nino quickly rushes out of the classroom and then bolts down the hallway, running through the locker room to get to the bathroom where Adrien hopefully is–

Turns out he doesn’t need to go to the bathroom, because Adrien is sitting on the floor crumpled against the lockers head against his knees and hands covering his ears.

(Wasn’t there a bench there before?)

“A-Adrien?” Nino says, breaking through the silence in the room that is only otherwise filled with Adrien’s heavy breathing.

He’s never seen Adrien like this before.

Adrien seems to wince at the noise, curling up even tighter into his knees.

Okay, okay, so: noise bad. Nino remembers times his little brother would have sensory overloads and hide in his room with complete darkness under the covers. Adrien is reminding Nino more and more of that with each passing moment, so he quietly walks over and sits down in front of him, careful not to touch Adrien in case it makes anything worse.

“...Dri?” He whispers, quiet enough that he hopes doesn’t hurt him but loud enough that Adrien can still hear him and know he’s there.

Adrien makes a small noise at that, and after a minute slowly looks up a bit from his knees, giving Nino a view of his face that makes Nino want to cry because of how blotchy and tear-stricken it is. 

“N..No?” He breathes out, wincing at his voice as Nino responds.

“Yeah dude, I’m here. Do you want my headphones? Maybe they can help.” Because he remembers giving Chris his headphones sometimes when things were especially too loud, and times where he’d give them to Marinette after a panic attack, and to Alya during one of her migraines. Using the noise canceling quality to help block things out. Personally Nino needs a mix playing to calm down, but to each their own.

Adrien pauses for a while, seeming to weigh his options (or maybe just sparse together what Nino just said) before he gives a small nod and Nino opens his bag to take them out, handing them to Adrien who takes his hands off his ears and slowly grabs them before putting them on.

Once they seem they’re on comfortably: “That better?” He whispers.

Adrien gives a little nod at that.

“Um, okay…” what else? “Do you want me to go?”

Adrien just shrugs which, of course he does because Adrien never wants to ask for anything from people, which cements Nino’s decision he’ll stay until Adrien either kicks him out or feels better.

Still… Nino pulls out his phone to shoot a quick text to his girlfriend, knowing that she’s likely to be on her phone after having done her test.

Nino: hey als can u keep people out of the locker room for a while?

Alya <3: sure everything okay?

Nino: yeah just need privacy, love u

Alya <3: O_O without me?!?!?!

Nino: not like that! dri isn’t doing well

Alya <3: oh no :( give sunshine a hug for me. me and mari will wall off the locker room until then. let me know later

And then he puts his phone away, knowing the girls have a handle on at least making sure Adrien doesn’t get any more overwhelmed, speaking of which…

“Hey man, would a hug help?”

Adrien looks at him for a second like Nino just spoke some foreign language that he’s trying to translate, and Nino doesn’t know if that’s because he’s so out of it or because he rarely gets asked about hugs (which, ow.)

Then he gives a tight nod, and Nino just leans over to smother him in a hug because Allah knows he needs one. Adrien probably isn’t getting enough at home.

They stay like that for a while, until Nino starts to hear Adrien’s breathing calm down and he finally starts to pull away, looking at Nino in a combination of embarrassment and gratefulness.

“Better?” Nino asks in a slightly louder volume than the whispering before, and then Adrien nods again before looking down to his hands as he starts to twist his ring.

“Okay dude, you don’t have to tell me anything, but I want to help. What happened?”

Adrien continues to look at his hands, opening his mouth slowly as if to speak before closing it and shutting his eyes.

“You don’t have to tell me.” Nino said again, because while he wants to help Adrien any way he can, the last thing he wants to do is overwhelm him even more, especially now that his breathing has finally calmed down.

“I-” Adrien starts, before closing his mouth as he winces in pain. Adrien then pulls his phone from his pockets, flinching at the light, before he starts typing. Nino gets a buzzing notification several seconds later.

Dri: Talking is hard right now. I don’t know why.

Dri: Sorry.

And Nino remembers Marinette a couple years ago, before she was on anxiety medication and would have terrible panic attacks (which were horrible, especially if you consider that the Marinette of today is on anxiety medication.) Sometimes afterwards Marinette would be too tired to speak, so they would write on paper back and forth once she’d calmed down enough to hold a pencil, Nino telling stupid jokes or stories when she needed to be distracted and listening to her problems when she needed some to talk to (or write to.) He remembers that she had said one time after it all that it wasn’t that she couldn’t physically speak, but that doing so made her almost feel sick and she had to force the words out.

Nino wonders if it’s the same for Adrien.

Nino: no worries dude it happens sometimes, ur cool

Nino: do u want to tell me what’s going on?

Dri: Maybe? But talking is hard right now. 

Dri: Sorry, it’s my fault.

Shit. Nino forgets how literal Adrien can be sometimes.

Nino: i meant like texting- do u want to text me about what’s going on?

He sees Adrien stare at that for a second and quickly adds:

Nino: u don’t have to! but know im here for u bro and want to help

Dri: Texting is okay. Sorry for the misunderstanding, I’m kind of stupid right now.

Really Agreste?! Self depreciation in THIS emotional support locker room?!

Nino: lmao its fine dude

Dri: Okay.

He sees Adrien pause and start biting the inside of his cheek, probably trying to figure out what to say so Nino doesn’t kill his father on sight next time he sees him. Then he turns back to the phone to type and Nino waits.

Dri: I don’t know what happened.

Huh?

Dri: Sorry.

Dri: Guess I’m kind of a moronosaurus.

Nino quickly responds at that:

Nino: no dude ur fine! wdym you don’t know though?

Dri: I mean I don’t know why I’m like this right now, nothing happened.

Nothing happened? Well to be fair there have been times where Marinette would have panic attacks without Chloé doing anything, worrying about what was to come that she would randomly break down.

Still…

Nino: nothing happened? like not with ur dad or anything?

Adrien starts to bite his cheek harder at that, and Nino worries that maybe he shouldn’t have mentioned his father, but at the same time if that is the reason his best friend is like this he wants to know.

Dri: No!

Okay, not saying he doesn’t believe the dude but…

Dri: I just…I think when I heard about the test I freaked out because I forgot and never got the chance to study.

Okay, no kid should be freaking out this much about one test.

Nino: u know ur dad is a dick right? even if u /did/ do badly on a test it shouldn’t be a big deal. he can’t expect you to be perfect.

Adrien seems to tense as he reads that so he then adds:

Nino: and u probably wont do bad anyways. ur super smart! even if you do im sure MM would be willing to give you extra credit or smth because you weirdly like the class.

Dri: It’s not my father’s fault Nino.

Dri: I’m probably being dramatic. It will probably all be fine. You’re right it’s just a test.

Nino: yeah dude and if not ill break u out of ur house and we can ride off into the sunset together

He can see Adrien start to smile and type in response:

Dri: That wouldn’t be necessary.

Nino: debatable

Dri: Well what about Alya?

Nino: idk if she would notice with the love of her life /marinette dupain cheng/ around

Nino: she always threatens to dump me for her anyways

Dri: Lol, maybe that’s because she has taste.

Nino: T A S T E?! I AM THE EPITOME OF FLAVORFUL MEALS.

And he hears Adrien quietly laugh at that and he’s proud of a job well done.

Nino: u good to go traitor?

Dri: Maybe? I think so.

Nino forces himself off the ground and gives a hand to Adrien who shakily gets up, looking much better than he did when Nino saw him leave physics class. He hands Nino back the headphones and they start to head outside to where his bodyguard will likely be waiting, since most people seem to have already left the building. Nino wishes he could just take Adrien home with him instead of leaving him to go to that cold, empty house with nobody but his dickhead father and his stoic employees.

At least the Gorilla will be there, he thinks, from what Nino has heard from Adrien and seen he seems to actually care about Adrien’s wellbeing, in what he hopes is in a “beyond-a-paycheck” way. Dude likes action figures too! Plus, that guy likely won’t force Adrien to make any conversation.

He’s correct in that the car and the Gorilla are both waiting for them outside, and Nino sees the Gorilla’s face shift from annoyance to concern at the look of Adrien accompanied by Nino.

The Gorilla opens the door for Adrien, and as he steps away from Nino he can hear a quiet “thanks Nino” before he steps into the car, and Nino just smiles back at that.

The Gorilla closes the car door once Adrien is inside and looks back to Nino with a face of concern and confusion.

“Rough day,” Nino says, looking back at where he would see Adrien if the car windows weren’t so painfully tinted, “Take care of him.” He adds, not only as a question but also a threat and command. 

Maybe Nino should be worried about threatening someone named “The Gorilla” who was literally hired to be a bodyguard by an overprotective multi-millionaire father, but the Gorilla just nods in response with a look of approval in his eyes before he turns around and gets into the car, driving away.

And all Nino can think is that he really wants to talk to his mom about adopting Adrien.

Adrien really fucked up.

That’s all he can think on the drive home, as he enters the house, as he walks to his room and lies on his bed.

He fucked up.

Because he’s been fine for so many years, and then one day because of one stupid test he starts falling apart?

Fuck.

Adrien Agreste is supposed to be the perfect son. The perfect student. The perfect friend. Perfect everything.

(He doesn’t know what he is without that perfect.)

And then, because of one stupid test that he stupidly forgot about that all falls apart?!

He remembers his father once saying one bad product can ruin a brand. Taint its reputation. Causing the whole company to lose business.

Maybe that’s the problem. Adrien Agreste: Student Edition™ was defective, and is now ruining the rest of the Adrien Agreste™ models. 

Because he’s supposed to be a perfect student, and perfect students don’t forget about a test and then spend time breaking down in a bathroom or locker room afterwards. 

And now, because Adrien Agreste: Student Edition™ messed up, it’s ruined Adrien Agreste: Friend Edition™.

Because Adrien Agreste: Friend Edition™ is supposed to be fine and sunshiney and relaxed, not needing to be comforted on the locker room floor because everything was too much and too loud and why won’t people stop talking and moving and breathing and why is he so fucking stupid?

And yet he did, Nino followed him because he was stupid and almost broke down in a classroom full of people, which reflects badly, as his father would say, on all of Adrien. On all of Gabriel. 

So Nino had to comfort him while he was crying pathetically and couldn’t speak for absolutely no good reason.

“Dramatic like your mother [...] prone to emotional outbursts unbecoming of an Agreste.”

And his father is right. He was dramatic, crying because of what? A test?!

A test he stupidly forgot about? A test he didn’t take the time to study for? He could have made time. He’s done it before.

Nino asked what happened, and Adrien had said the truth: nothing. Absolutely nothing had changed. So why on earth is he deciding now is the time to crumble? After doing this for fifteen years.

A test shouldn’t even bother Adrien Agrete! He’s so smart and confident that it’s not like he needs to study for hours on end to make sure he does well. He’d never do that. Because he’s supposed to be flawless and effortlessly perfect.

But he’s really just…

Dramatic.

Emotional.

Embarrassing.

Stupid. 

He then gets up and decides that he’s fucked up what he was supposed to do as Adrien enough for one day. At least as Chat Noir he’s kind of expected to be the fuck up.

He looks at Plagg who is staring at him with concern across the room, having been a witness to every pathetic event in the life that is Adrien’s.

“Plagg, claws out.”

And then Adrien Agreste is gone. Adrien is gone. And all that remains is someone who nobody would ever expect to worry about a test. Hell, nobody would probably expect Chat Noir to do well on a test. And it kinda hurts, but it’s also freeing. The absolute lack of expectations. Like a weight lifted off of him.

He jumps out the window, feeling completely weightless as he falls and activates his baton to vault around the city. Away from the Agreste Manor. Away from Adrien Agreste. 

He travels around the city for a while, jumping over rooftops and waving to people who call out to him as he passes, enjoying the freedom that comes with being Chat Noir that he absolutely loves.

Chat Noir doesn’t have tests. Chat Noir doesn’t have friends or family to disappoint. Chat Noir doesn’t have a perfect persona to maintain. All Chat Noir has is Ladybug, Paris, and the fight against Hawkmoth.

And puns. He has a lot of puns.

Some screams break him out of his thoughts. Over the years these screams have become more and more of a regular occurrence in Paris, alerting people to whatever badly-dressed ill-thought out akumatized villain Hawkmoth has come up with.

Unlike most of the Parisians though (except for other superheroes like Ladybug and crazy people like Alya) Chat Noir starts speeding towards the screams. Because being Chat Noir may not come with as many responsibilities, but defeating akumatized villains and Hawkmoth is one that he can’t afford to mess up on.

He can’t fail Ladybug, having her back is the one thing he’s supposed to do. The one thing he’s good at doing.

(But of course he manages to screw up even that.)

It’s Darkblade again, who’s already turned a few dozen people into knights by the time Chat Noir arrives on the scene. Ladybug gets there only seconds after him, and she looks at the scene for a moment before:

“Chat Noir! You’re good with sword-fighting!”

And yep, he is. Even though Ladybug doesn’t know the specifics, he's been taking fencing lessons since he was eight years old. Of all the activities his father has had him do over the years, fencing is something he genuinely enjoys doing, and since becoming Chat Noir he’s even more grateful for all his training.

He can’t say all that though so… “I like to think my skills are pretty sharp , M’Lady.”

“Okay! Try and disarm him while I hold off the knights. I’m guessing his akuma is in his sword like last time.”

“You got it M’Lady! Hopefully our skills haven’t gotten rusty since our last duel with him.” 

And then they’re off, Chat Noir fighting Darkblade who, after some conversation with far too many Old French terms for his liking, was apparently reakumatized after a visit from his cousin who previously bested him in a duel by cheating. Since then his cousin has taken to rub it into his face at every opportunity. Which… okay child much? Meanwhile Ladybug makes sure none of the other knights came too close to cause any problems.

And it was going well. Soon he has Darkblade cornered and the knights are too far away to be of any assistance. It’s shaping up to be a very quick battle, maybe afterwards he and Ladybug could get ice cream! Or see a movie! Or watch the sunset! Or just hang out in any way without having to worry about detransforming. Or may they can detransform together! And then maybe they can-

And then he stupidly falls for a feint. A feint that Mr. D'Argencourt specifically taught him about years ago. A feint that he should have seen coming.

And before he knows it he’s on the ground, Darkblade shooting an energy beam at him, causing him to go to his knees to be knighted. He can feel his heart beating quickly, mad at himself for becoming vulnerable again and being controlled by another akumatized villain. Mad at himself for making Ladybug’s job even harder.

But before Darkblade can finish the transformation Ladybug swings in, grabbing him. 

And for a moment he relaxes, thinking everything will be alright. 

Then he sees Darkblade react to her presence, slashing his sword at her as she’s about to swing away with him.

No… surely he didn’t…

He hears Ladybug let out a pained yell, and he’s just completely frozen by Darkblade’s power. Completely useless to help the girl he loves who’s in pain because of him . 

She then grabs him and carries him off to a nearby rooftop, crumbling to the ground when they land.

And he can move again.

So he moves. Rushes over to help his lady who’s laying on the roof bleeding out.

“M’Lady!” He yells, helping her sit up against the chimney on the roof.

“Kitty,” she breathes out in pain as he helps her up, “You’re okay?”

What? Yes he’s okay. He’s fine, he’s not the one who got stabbed to save his partner who made a stupid mistake.

“I’m okay?! M’Lady you just got stabbed!”

“I wouldn’t really call it a stab, more like a slash or a cut.” She forces out, which at least gives Chat Noir some relief because if she’s able to talk back to him then hopefully it isn’t too bad.

Or maybe it’s really bad and she’s using the rest of her energy to comfort her useless partner before dyin-

No. No. She’ll be fine. She has to be fine.

He looks to her side that got cut and sees that her suit is torn, blood dripping onto the rooftop as well as his arms that are holding her as well. He doesn’t know how much blood it is but it’s too much blood. Any amount of blood is too much blood for her.

Why? Why would she do that? Sure, he was about to be knighted but she’s Ladybug! She’s gone toe to toe with other villains before without him. Hell, she’s fought him mind controlled multiple times without problem!

Why would she do that? She’s the smart one. The planner. She has to know that she’s the only one who can purify akumas and reverse the damage. He’s the dumb one. He’s the fuck up. He’s the impulsive one. He’ll always jump in to save her because he can’t bear to see her hurt, and when it comes down to it she’s the one they can’t afford to lose. 

The one he can’t afford to lose.

Stop! He needs to get it together. She’s hurt right now because of him and he needs to do something.

He looks at the injury again, first aid training kicking in as he tries to figure out how deep it is and whether any organs may be compromised.

It doesn’t seem life threatening as it’s missed any major organs (that he can think of, because he’s so stupid and probably forgot something, even though he passed the course with flying colors) but the continued bleeding isn’t good and maybe he can find some way to wrap the wound-

She grasps one of his hands holding her, pulling him out of his surveillance of her injury and says: “I’ll be fine Kitty, my ladybugs will fix everything. You need to stop Darkblade though.”

He just looks at her though, the ache in his chest growing because she’s in pain and it’s his fault. Because he wasn’t enough to stop Darkblade and fell for a stupid feint he had specifically been taught about.

She needs him to be Chat Noir now though.

“Don’t worry I got it M’Lady,” he really doesn’t and… “but maybe some luck for the road?”

His face moves a bit closer, stopping before it’s too close and she can still push him away without problem. He really shouldn’t be asking. He doesn’t deserve to, but she needs him to be her silly, pun-loving partner right now. He should at least be able to do one of his jobs right and distract her.

(And what if something happens and this is his last chance?)

Ladybug looks at him and rolls her eyes smiling, “Yeah maybe you’re right kitty.” Then she teasingly calls upon her Lucky Charm: a bottle of oil.

Oil? What is he supposed to do with that? Bake? Lubricate the armor to make it less squeaky? Or…

“The floor?” He asks, looking to Ladybug for confirmation or any other ideas, because surely it’s not that easy?

“The floor.” She nods, and puts it into his hands, because right now he’s the only one who can defeat Darkblade. He’s the only one who can fix everything after screwing up.

He scans the streets for Darkblade, who’s started to move with his army north towards a residential area, likely where Mr. D'Argencourt’s cousin is.

He looks back at her one last time, squeezing her arm and willing with all his might that everything will work out. That he’ll somehow win without Ladybug (no, she’s right there, she’s fine) and this will all just be a bad memory, a bad dream. 

“I’ll be right back M’Lady.”

And he takes off, cat ears picking up a quiet “I know Chaton,” from the rooftop he just left.

He does manage to defeat Darkblade, just like his lady said. He slicks the floor around Darkblade in oil as they fight, and that’s enough to get him off balance so Chat Noir can take the sword. The second it’s in his grasp he’s rushing back towards the rooftop he left Ladybug at so she can purify the akuma and fix everything. The whole time hoping that she’s okay and there and alive and will be able to fix everything.

She is. She’s waiting in the exact same spot as he left her, breathing a bit heavily but otherwise no worse than when he last saw her. 

He Cataclysms the sword and Ladybug is able to purify the akuma and use Miraculous Ladybug to reverse everything. Including the injury she got because of his idiocy.

Once she gets up off the ground he forgoes the pound it and just rushes to hug her. “I’m sorry,” he chokes out. Because now the danger is gone and she’s okay and his job is done so he can let her know how fucking sorry he is.

Ladybug just pushes away and looks at him in confusion.

Of course. Of course “sorry” isn’t enough. He messed up. She trusted him to do one of the few things he’s actually good at and he failed so she had to rescue him. Again.

“For what Chaton?”

Huh? For what? Is that a joke? Did Miraculous Ladybug somehow not replenish the blood lost? It doesn’t work all the way sometimes when he’s injured because of the cat miraculous, is it the same or worse with holding the ladybug miraculous? Does her brain not have enough blood? Was her brain deprived of it for too long and now she has brain damage?

“Y-you got hurt, because of me.” This hurts so much to say but he has to, he has to tell her what happened because if she somehow forgot then she needs to know how incompetent he it: “I messed up, I fell for that feint and-”

“Kitty, you got him in the end, right?” She calmly says, cupping his face with her hands.

Yeah but-

“Yeah but you got hurt stopping him from knighting me. Why would you do that? I’m supposed to be the one protecting you.”

Now she looks annoyed at him, which is a bit of a relief but also he needs her to know how bad this could have been. How bad it was .

“You don’t need to always protect me Chat Noir, I can handle myself.”

What? No, that’s not what he’s trying to say! He knows she’s capable. Far more than he is.

“I know Ladybug, but-” 

“I don’t need your help. I don’t need you to save me.” She continues and oh…

Oh.

Okay.

“I know Ladybug,” he forces out again, “but-” but he loves her “-you’re the one who can purify akuma and reverse the damage-” and he can’t do this without her “-so what would happen if you were gone-” but she can do this without him “-what would happen to Paris?”

He wants to say more but he knows she doesn’t want to hear it. She loves someone else, and she doesn’t need to hear how he doesn’t know how he’d do this without her. How saving her is worth whatever happens to him. She’d want him to be smart. To think about the mission (even if the mission is usually the last thing on his mind when she’s in danger.)

She seems to relax a bit at that, “I know Kitty, but with Darkblade you’re the one out of the two of us who can fight-”

Yeah and look how good that went. He screwed up with one of the only things he can contribute, something he’s practiced for almost seven years and still wasn’t enough. And she literally just said she doesn’t need him, and isn’t the only role he has to support her? Why on earth would he be the one to save?

He knows she’s still talking, and he wants to feel bad about not listening but words aren’t making sense. Everything around him is buzzing and he doesn’t know how much more he can bear hearing how useless he is. How pathetic he is that she had to save him again. 

He finally is able to make sense of the words she’s saying again “-you have to know now how much it hurts when you throw yourself in to save me.”

He’s been hurting her?

They both turn their attention to her earrings that are blinking a one-minute warning now.

“I need to get home before I detransform, but I’ll see you later okay?” She says, much softer now and looking at him for confirmation that he’s heard her.

She needs to go. She probably needs to rest off the remains of the injury. She doesn’t have any reason to stay.

So he just smiles and says “Okay.”

Then she swings away, leaving Chat Noir to replay all the ways he messed up today on the way to his home.

She got hurt today. He’s been hurting her. Because he’s been trying to protect her even though she’s said before that she doesn’t need it. Doesn’t need him.

Is this the misogynistic thing Alya was talking about? He thinks as he enters his bedroom via window and detransforms, collapsing into his bed. Is part of him assuming that because Ladybug is a girl she needs his protection? And continuing to act like somehow he knows better despite her literally saying so just because he’s a man?

He wants to say that it’s not the case. That he’s not doing this simply because she’s a girl. (But what if he’s wrong?) He knows how capable she is, far more capable than him.

And that’s why he saves her, because in the end out of the two of them she’s the one people can’t afford to lose. Paris needs her. The loving family she sometimes talks about needs her. Her friends need her.

Do people really need him? What about Adrien couldn’t simply be replaced by any other person filling in the same role? Putting on the same mask.

Is there really anything beneath the mask that they need?

He ignores whatever Plagg is saying and gets up to do homework. Because as of now he’s the one with all these roles, and he’s failing miserably.

And failures don’t deserve to rest.

He checks online and in his notes multiple times to make sure he didn’t somehow screw up again and forget another test or assignment. Once that’s done he starts to read ahead for physics to prepare in case he did poorly on the test today. 

He skips dinner, because failures don’t deserve to eat.

Once he’s done with his homework he runs through songs on his piano, going through one until he can do it perfectly. Then he has to do it perfectly again to make sure it’s not a fluke, and if it is a fluke then he’ll keep going until he does get it perfect twice in a row. Once he does he moves on to the next song, and keeps going until Nathalie knocks on the door and tells him to go to bed. 

Because somehow it’s now almost midnight. 

When did that happen?

He goes to his bed, but instead of sleeping just pulls out his phone and starts watching different fencing matches he finds on YouTube, trying to label and anticipate as many moves as he can.  When he doesn’t know one he rewatches it until he does. Maybe he can talk to Kagami and see if there’s a way they could practice more? She trains with her mother outside of class right?

He doesn’t sleep, because failures don’t deserve to sleep.

Plagg looks concerned the entire night, probably because of what a failure his holder is, but no amount of pushing can get Adrien to forgo his efforts to improve. He messed up today, and he needs to do better.

And he will. He has to.

It’s all he can do.

Chapter Text

Marinette wants to help.

It’s who she is. It’s why she became Ladybug. She needs to help the people around her, because like Alya said when they first met: “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good people do nothing.”

So now she always tries to do something.

But with Adrien she doesn’t know what to do.

Adrien didn’t look well at all in class on Thursday. And despite what Alya first said, no, she wasn’t being dramatic because Nino also seemed worried about Adrien. Moreso when he left for break and didn’t come back.

Marinette likes to think she’s improved on her stalker-like tendencies over the years. She still is in love with Adrien, yes, but beyond that understands that he is his own person and deserves privacy like everyone else. Actually, it could be argued he deserves privacy even more than most because of how invasive the media can be when it comes to his life.

Point being: she’s not as stalkerish as she once was. She doesn’t try to figure out where Adrien is at all times. She had thrown out his schedule and now when she does wonder where he is, she tries not to obsess too much. If she wants to know she can text him, and if he wants her to know he’ll respond.

So, during Thursday’s break, she had started to worry about where he was, but tried to ignore the feeling because she’s trying to do better. And the Marinette of last year may have gone through every inch of the school, every vent, every boy’s bathroom, every locker looking for him, (okay, hopefully not to that extent) but the Marinette of today knows that people need their space.

But then he had left before physics class ended and Nino had followed, and not long after Alya got a text from him saying not to let anyone into the locker room because something was wrong with Adrien.

They did manage to ward off their classmates with some lie about a month-old moldy pepperoni-barbeque-and-pineapple pizza found in a locker that had become a health hazard (which had concerningly caused Kim to cry to Max about how someone’s going to throw out his “dope ass” pizza that he had been planning to eat.)

They wanted to stay and wait for the boys to come out (and to go in to remove whatever the hell Kim has stored in his locker) but Alya had to rush home to watch the twins and Marinette got a call from her parents needing help in the bakery. So they left with a sign taped on the door warning about Kim’s pizza (with hope that some underpaid staff member would see that and take care of it.)

She had left, hoping to reach out to him later to check in and make sure he was okay. Thinking maybe she could bring some treats from the bakery on Friday, he always seems excited when she brings baked goods to class.

But then everything happened with Darkblade and Chat Noir and owch (“meowch” her inner Chat Noir goes,) who knew getting slashed with a sword would hurt?

Thankfully Chat Noir took care of it pretty quickly, but when he came back he was freaking out and apologizing and she just didn’t get it? She’d rarely ever seen him like that before. He was usually the confident, collected one who helped with her freak outs. And why? What reason could Chat Noir have for getting upset? Sure, she got injured but that can’t be it. She’s fine! But she’s rarely seen her partner look visibly anxious, and he seemed so apologetic too…

Then he started talking and she didn't get it! Chat Noir: the person who invented sacrificing yourself for your partner… is getting upset that she sacrificed herself for her partner? Well, to be fair, it does pain her every time he does it for her, but he tends to hate when she makes a big deal out of it so she doesn’t get why he’s-

“Yeah but you got hurt stopping him from knighting me. Why would you do that? I’m supposed to be the one protecting you.”

The “I’m supposed to be the one protecting you,” had just rung in her brain and all she could think was that she hated it. Hated how he always seems to think he’s the expendable one. Hated how quickly he would throw himself in the line of danger for her. He’s amazing in combat, yet he constantly ends up throwing himself in front of her so she’s safe and can cast her stupid cure. She hated it.

So she had snapped back with her usual argument, because does he really have the audacity?

“You don’t need to protect me Chat Noir, I can handle myself.”

He was about to say more, give his usual argument that she’s the only one who can save Paris that is so grounded in logic. And she knows she’s supposed to be the logical one, but she hates this argument so she had pushed on:

“I don’t need your help. I don’t need you to save me.” 

And oh. Oh no. Too far, Ladybug. She hopes he knows that she didn’t mean it like that. Didn’t mean that she doesn’t need him at all because she does. They’re the bug and cat team. They need each other. That’s why it hurts so much when he throws himself into danger for her. Because Paris may need her, but she needs him .

He gave his usual response, and shit, they were almost out of time, but Ladybug needed to let her kitty know what she meant. Why she did what she did and how much she needs him and can’t lose him.

“I know Kitty, but with Darkblade you’re the one out of the two of us who can fight close range. So by your logic we couldn't afford to lose you today. We can never afford to lose you-” she can never afford to lose him, “-I need you. After today I get why you do it-” because she does, seeing him get blasted by Darkblade was terrifying, as was knowing what would come next, “-it’s so easy to jump in to help you, there are so many times I wished I could trade places with you after you got hit protecting me-” every time. When Timebreaker erased him and when he got shot by Dark Cupid and when he was kissed during Zombizou and he sacrificed himself during Gamer 2.0’s game “-and though I hate it at least you have to know now how much it hurts when you throw yourself in to save me.”

Because she had hoped maybe now he’d be more careful. Maybe now he’d know how much he means to her and will understand a fraction of the pain she feels every time he willingly lets himself get mind-controlled or erased or hurt or killed for her .

She had wanted to say more but her earrings had started to blink their final warning, and she needed to get home. At the time she could feel some lingering pain from the sword and she didn’t want to know how it would feel if she were to try to walk home without her powers as a buffer.

“I need to get home before I detransform, but I’ll see you later okay?” And she had left because while her home is nearby she’s running low on time. But he seemed better when she left, smiling even, so that’s one blond taken care of.

When she did get home there had still been some phantom pain from where the sword hit. And when she had asked Tikki later she was told sometimes injuries on miraculous holders linger even after the cure. And if so she really needs to talk to Chat Noir because that stupid cat has gotten hurt far too much for her liking and she can’t believe he’s been hiding this from her.

Once she had detransformed she pretty much collapsed on her bed. Exhausted from healing from her injury as well as the complete lack of sleep she got the previous night (and the last few weeks if she’s being honest.) Before she had passed out though she remembered to send a couple quick texts to Adrien, figuring he needed to know she was there for him, even if she was completely drained at the moment. And at least she’s comprehensible over text. Not a complete stuttering mess like she’d be if she offered her reassurances in person.

Marinette: Hey Adrien i wanted to check in, i heard you had a rough day

Marinette: Just wanted to let you know im here for you if you need anything

And then she was out. And she had hoped by the next day Adrien would be feeling better. That whatever happened with Nino in the locker room had been enough.

On Friday he seems… fine?

She’s sure anyone who hasn’t spent a considerable amount of time with Adrien would say he’s fine. Hey, probably some of his friends would say he’s fine.

But, while Marinette is ashamed of some of the extremes she went at in the past to learn more about Adrien, one thing she has to admit is that that knowledge doesn’t go away. She knows a lot of things about Adrien, reading him being one of them. You have to learn to read him to know him because his constant smile never tells the full story.

It’s in his face. It’s in his eyes. His eyes that she could write sonnets about. His eyes full of so much compassion and understanding and energy- like he’s holding himself back for some reason and god, Marinette wants to know what that is. Wants to see what happens when he isn’t holding back.

It’s those eyes she fell in love with, harboring a glow that she’s drawn to like a moth to a flame. 

Adrien Agreste the Model may be radiant, carefree, and dreamy, but the Adrien she’s grown to love glows.

Okay… so maybe Adrien is radiant…. and dreamy. 

But Marinette knows he’s not as carefree as advertised. Knows that for all her previous idolization of Gabriel Agreste that the man can be cold and distant. Knows from some of Nino’s rants that Adrien always has so much going on there is barely any time for him to see his best friend. The old schedule of Adrien’s that she’d thrown out only supports the fact that Adrien is juggling dozens of responsibilities. 

She wishes he could be more carefree. Because an Adrien that is carefree has absolutely glowing eyes, coming close to Chat Noir whose eyes actually do glow (because, you know, he’s a cat.)

The point is, they were right when they said eyes are the windows to the soul. And Adrien’s soul is so mesmerizing she struggles to look away.

And on Friday his eyes were dim. Glazed over. And she worryingly wasn’t able to see behind them.

Nino had asked him if he was okay because he was very sluggish in the morning. Taking a concerning amount of time to respond to questions thrown his way, like his brain had been floating away at sea and completely unaware that it’s anchored down until the last minute. He had said he was just tired, and Marinette had given him the coffee Alya brought for her since she was actually able to get sleep the night before. Adrien looked like he needed it way more than her anyways, and the grateful look he gave her was worth the sacrifice.

When he did eventually end up taking it, he did seem to later have more energy and bounce, which was a definite improvement.

But she noticed as he went home from school that day that his eyes had still looked dim.

Which brings her to now, where she’s sitting at her desk staring at a piece of paper, trying to figure out what she could do.

She just doesn’t know. She wishes she was someone else. Someone like Alya who seems to be able to see through people and know what’s wrong, being able to help talk them through their problems. Someone like Nino who has an instantly comforting presence, being someone to cry to without making the situation uncomfortable or awkward.

Or someone like Chat Noir. Who is seemingly both. Who is kind and warm and is always willing to give her a hug. But still manages to see through her and knows how to talk her down, when to make her laugh, when to stop and listen.

If she were Alya or Nino or Chat Noir helping Adrien would be easy.

But she’s not.

She can’t pull Adrien aside and tell him the hard truths like Alya can. She can’t crush Adrien with hugs and be a quiet presence for him like Nino can. She can’t tell jokes to Adrien to make him relax and forget about the world for a bit like Chat Noir can.

She’s Marinette.

And he’s Adrien.

And he needs help.

She stands up from her desk and starts pacing, willing her mind that usually can come up with complex twenty-step schemes to come to life.

It doesn’t.

She doesn’t know what to do. She usually has so many ideas, so many plans. But her brain seems to freeze when it comes to Adrien. It sucks because the one person in the world she wants to help most, she can’t.

If this was anyone else maybe she wouldn’t be so useless. But the brain she usually relies on is failing, and her comforting skills are lacking. There’s a reason why Chat Noir is often the one talking to akuma victims after the attacks while she deals with the press. 

Her pacing halts, freezing at a (frankly outrageous) idea that crosses her mind.

Chat Noir could help Adrien. Would probably be able to look at him with his unnatural but comforting green eyes for a second before sitting him down and helping with whatever he needed, giving the exactly right combination of humor and earnest listening for the moment.

Okay, one idea: send Chat Noir to Adrien whenever he comes by her balcony next.

She goes back to her desk with the paper laying on it and writes it down.

Still, she thinks as she starts pacing again, she shouldn’t have to rely on someone else to help her with this. If she truly loves Adrien and wants to be a part of his life shouldn’t she be able to offer him comfort without calling someone else?

…then again Alya has told her numerous times that she can’t be expected to take everything on herself…

Still, it’s Adrien! Surely he deserves her to do all she can!

….but she also has been working to not obsess too much over Adrien. Both for her sake and Adrien’s. Would sending Chat Noir be a step in the right direction because she’s giving someone else control?

She glances over to her chest still full of presents she has yet to give him.

What about one of the gifts she’d made? Or was this the wrong time?

Is giving someone a gift something normal for a friend to do for another friend that she hopes she can later marry and have three kids and a hamster?

She adds that to her “Make Adrien Happy” list which now consists of two bullet points:

-Chat Noir

-Gift?

Maybe she can combine the two and have Chat Noir pop out of a box with a gift for Adrien? Or gift Adrien Chat Noir as a bodyguard or friend or date? Or have Chat Noir deliver a gift? Have Chat Noir delivered as a gift?

She starts writing these ideas down, thinking of what she could possibly need for such an idea.

Chat Noir, of course. And a box to fit Chat Noir… but he is a cat so he could probably fit any box! Hell, he probably wouldn’t even need convincing to get into the box, he just would! Because, you know: cat! 

If he does need some convincing she could always give him treats…

Treats! She rushes to add that down to her sparse list. She could give Adrien some treats! She had been thinking about doing it Thursday anyways! She literally lives in a bakery and has a sweet-loving kwami that turns her into a superhero! How could she have forgotten the power of baked goods?

She adds “treats” to the list and underlines it multiple times.

And she could give those to him herself! Avoiding the awkward problem of having Chat Noir unknowingly help the boy Ladybug has been rejecting him for at the request of the girl who is, unbeknownst to him, actually Ladybug!

Okay, Tikki maybe has a point about the importance of sweets. Honestly if Tikki was here this whole process could probably have been done a lot quicker and she could have already been baking, instead of still chasing her thoughts after an hour. 

Where is Tikki anyways?

Tikki had said earlier that she was going to leave for some “kwami business” but would be nearby and back soon… but that was an hour ago. She assumes “kwami business” means she’s with Master Fu, but she never got the chance to ask and now she’s wondering….

No, Marinette, Tikki will be fine. She’s literally an ancient goddess (who is seemingly responsible for everything in existence?) She is perfectly capable of going on her own for one hour.

Tikki’s fine. And Adrien will be fine. And Marinette will be fine because she can bake.

She’s about to head downstairs when the kwami in question comes flying through the window.

“Hey Marinette!” she chirps, “So how’s the thing for Adrien going?”

“Yes! Adrien!” Marinette says cutting her off, “I was thinking of baking him some macaroons… ooh and maybe chouquettes! And madeleines! And-”

“Oh! I think I saw Adrien in the park!”

Oh! Even better! She doesn’t even need to go through a gate or Nathalie! She can just run downstairs and ask her parents if she can take some of the goods they’ve yet to sell today, although she wishes that she could bake them more fresh…

Still! Adrien is here and nearby and not a moment to lose!

She rushes downstairs (after changing out of her pajamas) and grabs some of the pastries she knows are Adrien’s favorite after checking with her parents.

Then she goes to the park. An area is blocked off for the shoot, but thankfully some of the staff recognize her from previous Adrien-related exploits and let her in without much fuss. Now she just needs to follow the cameras to find Adrien.

“Stop! You keep dropping the spaghetti!” 

…And there’s Vincent.

“Sorry-”

Adrien!

“Don’t be sorry! Pick up the spaghetti and enjoy it. Love it! Form a passionate connection with the spaghetti. Allow yourself to be consumed by it!”

….okay what? Marinette has heard some of Vincent’s bizarre directions before, but this might take the cake. Be consumed by spaghetti? What does that even mean ?

Following the voices she finds Adrien, Vincent, and some crew members. Adrien is posed against a tree dressed in articles of the upcoming Gabriel spring line and Vincent is running around calling out commands for him to adjust himself.

As Marinette gets closer she has to admit that her worries about Adrien don’t seem unfounded. He looks exhausted. The spark in his eye seems to have dimmed even more. He’s barely talking or responding to Vincent’s commands, just trying to follow them to the best of his ability while he continues to get told he’s wrong. And that just seems to make him more tense, fading with each direction given to him.

She doesn’t know how he does it. Adrien’s been a high-profile model for years. Working for both his father’s company as well as being hired by others as his fame grew. She always assumed that Adrien enjoyed it. Because surely if he didn’t he’d quit or talk to his father.

But now she doesn’t know.

Because it could simply be a bad day, but she remembers Adrien seeming pretty tired during shoots in the past. When she’s with him she’s usually the one who’s excited. But she just always assumed that was because Adrien had been around this all his life so the novelty has worn off for him.

Then again, there has to be a reason why his eyes look so much dimmer in the modeling photos compared to when with their friends.

Either way, Marinette is grateful that she’s here and brought treats, because Adrien probably needs a pick me up and a friend right now. And even though she may not be Alya or Nino or Chat Noir, she can still be there for him.

She just has to wait for a break in the shoot…

She waits…

And waits…

After ten, fifteen minutes they’re still going. And Vincent’s directions are only getting weirder.

“Look at her like her hat is made of delicious spaghetti!”

“You’re eating the spaghetti too quickly! Slow down. Enjoy it! Savor the spaghetti!”

“Why do you look like your spaghetti is undercooked?”

There wasn’t even any spaghetti here! What is this guy going on about?!

Adrien doesn’t seem to have any idea either. And Adrien finally cracks one it gets to the point where Vincent is yelling that his energy is too farfalle shaped when it should be more rotini shaped.

Adrien had thought he was doing better.

He’s been on top of all his homework. He’s been studying hard in advance. He’s been practicing piano and Chinese and fencing nonstop.

Yet somehow he is still managing to screw up.

Screwing up to the point where he’s failing his role of Adrien Agreste: Model Mode™, which has been in circulation for several years and is one of the most popular models (in both senses of the word.) Fame steadily growing with each success of his father’s company.

Adrien Agreste: Model Mode™ is supposed to be easy. He just smiles and poses and looks pretty. Just doing whatever people tell him to: put his hand there or look this way or wear that or don’t move.

Yet somehow he’s still managing to screw it up.

It’s like his brain is floating through fog, similar to how he was the day before in class. Words aren’t making sense. And because this is Vincent by the time they do he still has no idea what is being asked of him.

“You need to eat the spaghetti delicately Adrien, despite how much you want it.”

“Why do you look like the spaghetti is too wet?”

“Savor each bite of the spaghetti!”

At this point Adrien doesn’t think he’d even be able to look at spaghetti without having a trauma response. And he just keeps going. Adrien is trying to do what he asks but it’s hard to even know what that is. Everything he does seems to just be wrong.

As the shoot goes on things only seem to get worse. Adrien has had a lot of experience dealing with and blocking out the overwhelming lights and crowds associated with these shoots. He’s always been overly sensitive to lights and sounds, and becoming Chat Noir seems to have only amped it up more as his feline characteristics have started to bleed into Adrien outside of the suit.

It can be exhausting managing the sensory input nowadays. He’s been relying heavily on migraine medication and aspirin for a while, but he usually can at least get through a shoot without breaking down like a baby.

But now it’s just getting worse. Every flash of light is like a stab at his senses, making him drift further and further from reality. Every noise is starting to echo in his ears, blurring together into a painful mash of sounds that he can’t even begin to understand. It’s like that time in the locker room with Nino. Only worse, because things won’t stop and Nino’s not there and he needs to just keep smiling.

They’re still talking. Still yelling spaghetti at him. He’s barely keeping it together, and the last thing he needs is to have a breakdown in front of a bunch of his father’s employees. Even if they don’t see how weak he is for this his father certainly will. And he’d be right.

“-you have to be a rotini Adrien! Farfalle isn’t as-”

Jesus Christ.

“I need a break,” he says, cutting Vincent off from what was going to be another rant about his vendetta on farfalle. Why does it even matter what shape of pasta he is? They’re all pasta!

He can sort of hear Vincent protest, but he’s already walking away. If he has to pose by that tree for a minute longer he’s going to give himself a concussion with it. And like an act of god (or maybe one god in particular) the camera that they’d been stabbing his senses with suddenly starts sparking, distracting everyone from going after him. 

He walks and tries to keep himself together long enough to get away. But with each obstacle that blocks his path his chest gets tighter and tighter. He starts running. Running towards the other end of the park where maybe it will finally be quiet and he can breathe. He hits the fence and drops himself against it. His head feels too cold and everything is shaking and his vision is becoming more and more staticy with each passing second.

He needs it to stop. He needs to pull it together. But it’s just too much.

Some shoes soon enter his blurred vision.

“Adrien? Adrien?”

What’s Ladybug doing here? Why is she wearing pink ballet shoes? Is Ladybug a dancer? That would make sense. Still why is she here-

“Adrien?”

A face is now in front of him. Dark hair and bluebell eyes with black spots all around.

“L-Ladybug?” He forces out, only to immediately feel sick. The single word ringing in his ears and making his chest even tighter.

Ladybug looks scared now. He doesn’t know why but Ladybug is scared but he worries it’s because of him. He’s pathetic Adrien but he’s also Chat Noir, and if there’s one thing about Chat Noir is that he hates seeing his lady hurt, especially by him.

He’s hurt her enough anyways.

He tries to clear his vision. Tries to contain the heart that’s threatening to beat out of his chest. But it isn’t working.

He’s drifting further away and his lady needs help.

He then feels something grasp his hand and… what?

Since when did he have hands?

It pulls it away from… something. Then it’s moving back and forth. Adrien slowly starts to follow the movements as it traces something into his skin. After a while he starts to figure out that they’re letters.

“H”? “I”? And it just repeats “H” “I” H” “I”

…hi?

“Hi,” he whispers, feeling a twinge of revulsion at his own voice, although the pain in his head is nowhere near as much as it was before.

“Hi,” Ladybug whispers back, smiling at him with so much love that he wishes she smiled at him like that more often.

…except it’s not Ladybug?

His vision starts to clear, static becoming quieter, and as it does the black spots on his lady starts to disappear as well.

….Marinette?

He must have said that outloud, because Marinette starts to relax even more and says, “Yeah Adrien, it’s me.”

Marinette is here.

Marinette is here .

Marinette is here.

His vision starts to spot again because why? Why is she here? She shouldn’t be seeing this. Nobody should be seeing this but especially not Marinette. She’s so collected and sweet and the last thing he wants is to ruin her too. He’s already broken down in front of Nino, he can’t do it to her too.

Wow, Adrien Agreste: Friend Edition™ is keeping up the streak of being a failure and needlessly worrying all his friends. And if he keeps doing this how long will it be until they realize beneath the act is nothing. (If he fails this, what does he have?)

“-rien! Adrien! Okay uhhh think of… think of five things you can see!”

Five- five things he can see?

He tries to clear his vision again, because Marinette is asking something out of him and he may be a terrible friend but he can at least do this for her. It’s still pretty blurry but he thinks he can see…“You.”

The Marinette blob moves. Nods? Is that correct? Is he right?

“Yeah Adrien. Four more.”

Four more… but everything seems to be moving and it’s so bright and so green and-

Green…

He focuses a bit more on the green in the background, and for a while he’s struggling to see through a thick layer of static but he can slowly make out the finer details and shapes.

Leaves.

“Leaves.”

He can see Marinette-blob nod again in his peripheral, which makes him a bit dizzy for a second. Her nods seem to indicate that he’s doing something right though, so he keeps looking and attached to the green leaves are… 

“Branches.”

And the branches come together to be part of the-

“Tree.”

“Okay Adrien, one more.” He keeps looking, and sees that the trees come down into the ground covered in brown dirt and grass.

“Ground.”

She then asks him for four things he can hear, and he doesn’t know if that means he passed the first test or not. She’s asking him more questions but he doesn’t know if it’s because he is answering them well or if it’s because she doesn’t like the answers he’s giving. She’s asking him less each time too: first it was five things he sees and then four things he hears and then three things he can touch and then two-

But when he looks at her she doesn’t seem to be disappointed, which makes no sense because he’s freaking out on the floor because of a photo shoot. A photo shoot he’s done dozens of times before. And then on top of being a pathetic mess he can’t even seem to answer her seemingly simple questions right.

After asking him for one thing he can taste (“Mint.” Because he had been chewing on some mint gum before the shoot, trying to make up for his body’s cries for food when he obviously doesn’t deserve it) she stops. 

Is that good? Did he pass? Did he fail?

“Adrien,” she starts, “do you know where you are?”

Oh god, maybe he did fail. Why is she asking him that? Did he do so badly that she thinks he’s stupid? Surely he should be able to answer a question like that! It’s obvious. 

Isn’t it?

He was at a shoot (failure) and ran away from Vincent and his spaghetti (failure) to get away so he went to… the edge of the park.

The park.

“Park.” He chokes out, starting to feel some panic come back at the thought of what had happened. What he did.

He ran away from a shoot.

He, who is supposed to be Adrien Agreste, famed model, ran away from a photo shoot.

Shit.

Why would he do something so stupid? He’s been doing this for years without any sudden dramatic episodes. Then one day he, a fifteen year old boy, gets upset because lights are too much and sounds are too much and he can’t get the poses right.

And his father…

Oh god, his father is going to be disappointed. Not only did he possibly fail a test and show behavior unbecoming of an Agreste at school, but he’s also disrupted a photo shoot, wasting everyone’s time.

Things are starting to fade out again and he doesn’t know what to do. How to stop. And what if this just keeps happening and he’s like this for the rest of his life or-

Marinette grasps his hand again, pulling him out of his thoughts.

She’s tracing things on the back of his hand. First a smiley face, then the word “hi” again, then his own name, a flower, a heart, a star, a ladybug. She keeps going and Adrien just watches.

By the time she’s drawing a bizarrely detailed cat on his hand he’s calmed down a lot. The static is almost completely cleared. He’s aware of all of his limbs. He can hear the rustling of leaves and the people on the street and the birds above and it’s not too much.

He’s okay.

…or okay as he can be anyways. But his heart no longer feels like it’s fluttering, his ears aren’t ringing, his eyes can see and his brain is working.

And Marinette’s here.

“Sorry,” he says, breaking the silence existing between the two of them that’s been happening for who knows how long. How long has it been?

She looks at him and for a second he’s reminded of Ladybug, looking at him in confusion after he apologized for getting her stabbed.

“I don’t need your help. I don’t need you to save me.” 

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” she responds as she continues to trace shapes on his hand. But he’s not paying attention to that anymore, he’s staring at her eyes.

Her clear, bluebell eyes.

Eyes completely free of judgment, only showing care and love.

He doesn’t deserve those eyes.

After this he doesn’t know if he deserves anything.

He doesn’t know how to respond to her because she’s wrong. He has so much to apologize for that he can’t even start. He’s a terrible friend. He lost control in front of her. He even mistook her for someone he claims is the love of his life.

In his silence she pushes on: “I used to have panic attacks too.”

…what?

“A few years ago, before you and Alya came to school, my anxiety was bad. Like really bad. Things with Chloè were really rough and I felt so alone.”

Oh…

“Nino and I were kind of friends back then. We were both loners. With Chloè people were scared to talk to me, and Nino stuck close to his music rather than people so neither one of us had many friends.”

Adrien really can’t imagine either of them not having friends. Nino was the first person to offer his friendship to him when he started Françoise Dupont, and Marinette is one of the most amazing people he knows. She’s class representative, she’s a video game master, she’s an incredible designer, she’s their everyday Ladybug. Whenever someone needs help they know they can turn to her. 

Nino and Marinette are the kind of people that deserve friends.

Not like him.

“So, sometimes Nino would do what I was doing for you. Grounding is what he called it. The 5-4-3-2-1 technique that one is called, the one with the senses. He learned that one from his mom somehow, the hand tracing one too…they really helped me so I thought maybe they’d help you too?”

Oh, Marinette…

“I-”

And he stops again, because what on earth could he say to her? After she opened up to him about how horrible things used to be, after she took time with him to use the very same techniques Nino had used with her. Techniques she used on him because he had a dramatic breakdown due to nobody’s fault but his own. She at least had a reason for her panic attacks, he’s heard horror stories about how awful Chloè was to her.

What reason could he possibly have?

He doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t even know if he’ll be able to say anything. Single words and syllables are an effort but still, Marinette deserves something-

“Do you want a hug?”

This is the second friend in three days to offer him that and he wants to jump at the chance. Hugs are such a rare thing for Adrien and most of the time he gets his fill of physical affection from Ladybug. After a year, several near-misses and dozens of reassuring talks they’ve become very comfortable with physical affection. A head pat here or a chin rub there or leaning into each other when sitting down. 

But this is the second friend offering him a hug in three days and it’s to comfort him after being a complete failure. Does he deserve it?

If Adrien isn’t deserving of hugs normally when he performs his roles well, is an Adrien that’s performing absolutely abysmally deserving of hugs?

Her arms are open though and they look so warm, he crashes into them without a thought and she holds him tightly. He’s such a selfish, terrible person. But Marinette’s hug is so good, and the way she tightly squeezes him reminds him of the fact that his body is still here, that he isn’t drifting away.

…come to think of it: Marinette and Nino both give good hugs, so does Ladybug, is that a marker of being a good person? Good hugs? Maybe that’s why no one gives him hugs, because his suck.

“Adrien?”

His eyes shoot up and he goes rigid, turning his head to face Nathalie who is standing on the side. Her normal steely expression is slightly altered with some visible worry, and guilt hits Adrien again as he is reminded of what a horrible person he is.

He releases Marinette and steps away, squeezing her hand as he tries to show how grateful he is for her (and how sorry he is) before fully turning to Nathalie.

The older woman thankfully takes this as a sign to start talking, because the thought of forcing more words out of his mouth makes him feel nauseous.

“The time of your scheduled photo shoot is now over. The crew has begun to pack up. The car is here to take you and I to the manor.”

So many emotions go through him at those three simple sentences. Relief that the shoot is over. Regret that he wasted everyone’s time. Hope to hide in his room. Worry of whenever they’ll have to do a make-up shoot. Sadness that he has to leave Marinette. Fear of how his father will react to this all.

Anticipation of punishment. Because behavior like this surely can’t go unpunished. 

And he deserves it.

He nods at Nathalie and turns back to Marinette, looking at her as he tries to say… so he can say…

She smiles and touches her hand to her chin, bringing her hand forward and down.

Huh?

She does it again.

“Thank you,” she says as she does it and for a second he’s confused because why would she be thanking him .

And then it hits him.

Oh! Sign language! This amazing girl is giving him a way to communicate without talking.

He tries to mirror the gesture, putting his hand to his chin and bringing it down.

She smiles, then looks at the ground where a box from her parent’s patisserie is sitting and picks it up, giving it to him.

“I hope you feel better, you can lext me I-I mean text me if you need anything. We’re all mere for bou- you! We’re all here for you.”

The shame in Adrien is back at full force, but he doesn’t do anything beyond smiling and signing “thank you” again before going to Nathalie with the box in hand.

He’ll make it up to all of them. To Marinette and Nathalie and the crew and Nino and his teachers and his father and Ladybug and anyone else who worries or suffers because of him.

He’ll be a better person. And maybe one day he’ll be worthy of bluebell eyes and good hugs.

Ladybug is still thinking about Adrien when she goes to her scheduled patrol with Chat Noir that evening. 

She can’t get him out of her head, and not in the usual way. She can’t stop thinking about the way he ran away from the crew at the photo shoot as their camera started malfunctioning, or the way he was curled up against the fence in the only area without grass, or the way he was scratching his arms until she was able to grab hold of his hand, or the way he looked at her with anticipation after he responded to her questions to ground him, like he expected her to reprimand him for being wrong.

Then the dotted superhero is thinking back to all the times he’s gotten pulled out of class for modeling, all the times she or Nino or Alya has collected homework to give to him, all the times he couldn’t hang out because of something he had scheduled.

She thinks and she thinks, and then she remembers her own schedule.

All the times she’s had to leave class to become Ladybug. The amount of sleep she’s been missing to balance designing and Kitty Section costumes and helping her parents and homework and being Ladybug.

And while Adrien isn’t a superhero, modeling is still a full-time job. And what she saw today makes her think maybe she lucked out in being chosen to be Ladybug rather than a model.

She and Adrien both have so much to do. And yet most of her responsibilities are ones she puts on herself, she could take a break if she needed and the only one who would really be upset is her own ego (except for the whole Ladybug-Paris thing.)

But it’s becoming more and more clear that Adrien’s responsibilities are forced upon him by others around him, and he can’t take a break because if he did he’d be letting other people down.

The role he has to play as Adrien Agreste is reminding her more and more of her role as Ladybug, and at least then she has support in the form of Tikki and Chat Noir.

…but Adrien has support too right? He has her and Nino and Alya.

But does he? If it took her this long to really realize how heavy the expectations put on him are?

She hears the landing and pounding of steel toed boots next to her.

“Do you ever get annoyed at adults?” She throws out, confused and tired and needing to hear what her partner thinks.

The footsteps stop and he goes to sit next to her on the rooftop, feet hanging off the edge as he starts to swing his legs.

“Huh?”

Yeah, she’s not really making sense right now is she?

There’s a lull and then Chat Noir answers: “I mean I get annoyed at adults sometimes. Like that one lady who got akumatized because a delivery boy forgot her soda.”

“Complaint Karen?” She asks, remembering that horribly annoying villain who just kept yelling that they’re incompetent and that she needs to speak to their managers. She wasn’t much better after she was deakumatized either.

He nods and she can see him scrunch up his nose slightly, likely recalling the headache of a villain that one was. Not even because she was powerful per se, but she was just so annoying .

Still… that kind of goes with what she was trying to say.

“Yeah but not just her. Just… adults in general! So many of them expect kids to do whatever they want just because they say so. And to never make mistakes! As if we’re not our own people who are learning. And if we do then they freak out! Yet they still also treat us like we’re incapable.”

Because yeah, now this is starting to piss her off even more. Did Karen really have to yell at a fifteen year old because they messed up on a part of his job? Do people really expect Adrien to smile perfectly in photos after being run to the ground with fencing and piano and Chinese and school? Does everyone in Paris seriously expect her and Chat Noir to never make mistakes?

“I mean look at Paris! They always just expect us to swoop in and save the day, so many people don’t even do anything when an akuma shows up. They just wait. And once we do save the day they’re constantly looking for how we messed up!”

Chat Noir starts swinging his legs more at that, because he must know what she’s getting at. In battle mistakes are made, and oftentimes because of his powers and the support role he plays he’s usually the one whose mistakes people take notice of. With destruction if a mistake is made it’s far more noticeable and fear-inducing than a mistake with her Lucky Charm. One wrong move and he can destroy a building, a street, an object, a life. And that terrifies people.

She hates how people drag her partner. Everyone assumes they’ll always step in to play the role of the perfect saviors, and then have the audacity to be outraged at them for messing up while simultaneously congratulating themselves because see?! I knew Chat Noir would screw up somehow!

Nevermind the fact a lot of the time the “screw ups” Chat Noir makes are just to cover for her own failings. Paris expects a perfect savior so that’s what they get. Even at his expense.

She wonders if this is part of why he has such a self-sacrificing attitude, because he’s been told again and again that compared to her he doesn’t matter. Or if this is just another side effect of pre-existing behavior.

“Are you okay M’Lady?”

Oh. Right. She was having a conversation.

“Yeah, why?”

Chat Noir just turns to look at her, tilting his head in that familiar way that reminds her so much of a cat that she wants to laugh.

“It’s just…you’re usually not so critical about the people of Paris? And I’m kind of confused? We’re superheroes? Isn’t saving Paris supposed to be our job?”

Oh kitty…

“I mean… yeah? But also it isn’t like we woke up one day and chose to be superheroes, we were given this responsibility. And I don’t know, sometimes I wonder why the miraculous were given to kids? Like one wrong move and Hawkmoth wins. We have a time limit. Why us?”

“M’Lady-”

She keeps going, trying to get all of her words out before she loses the courage to and they disappear. These are all things she’s thought about dozens of times before, but have never had the chance to explore. Because she’s scared of what that will mean.

“I love being Ladybug, I do. But there are also times I feel like I’m trapped? Like everyone is counting on me so it’s not like I can quit, and I can’t afford to make mistakes. It’s terrifying because I can’t let anyone down.” 

There’s a beat of silence and then: “...do you want to quit?”

What?

She swerves her head to look at her partner who’s looking at her terrified and then violently shakes it, “No! No! Ladybug may be a lot of responsibility sometimes but I love it,” because she does, she loves swinging over Paris and how she’s able to help people and the thrill that comes with transforming and fighting with Chat Noir and patrol with Chat Noir and just hanging out with Chat Noir, “I don’t think I’d ever want to give that up.”

…does he?

Her worries are quickly erased when he relaxes and shakes his head as well, as if reading her mind.

“Me either M’Lady. I love being Chat Noir. It’s usually the best part of my day. And besides, if I wasn’t Chat Noir I wouldn’t have you.”

For some reason her cheeks start to get hot as Chat speaks. And oh, is something wrong with her head? She stands up so she can turn around and shake it a bit in the cool February air, trying to stop them from burning for some bizarre reason.

“I’m sorry you feel that way though. I didn’t know.”

Huh?

She turns back around to look at him, cheeks thankfully cooler.

“Didn’t know what?”

“That you feel that much pressure. I mean… it makes sense you’d resent Paris for all of that. They expect so much out of you, I guess I kind of lucked out because their expectations are much lower for me that I didn’t realize how it was affecting you.”

Oh cat…

“And it’s not like it bothers me! The low expectations! I definitely have it easier than you. And whenever I inevitably do mess up it’s not as much of a big deal because that’s what they expect.”

Chat Noir…

“I can take on more of the responsibility if you’d like! I can deal with the media more or whatever else you’d want a break from! I know how annoying the media can get, but they usually want to talk to you so I let them. Unless you do want to talk to the media! Then I can do something else! You deserve your chance in the spotlight and I’d hate to take that away-”

“Chat Noir.”

He stops then, looking up to her face which she now realizes has both a giant grin plastered on as well as tear filled eyes that are blurring her vision.

She loves this idiot so much.

Platonically! She loves this idiot platonically! (Right?)

“M’Lady?” And now he’s standing in front of her, arms on her shoulders as she tries to keep it in before… before…

Before she starts bursting into giggles and hugging him.

His hands automatically wrap around her like they have several times before and all she can think about is how great of a hugger he is.

Eventually the giggling stops and they both sit on the ground, still holding each other.

“I didn’t even realize it until now.” She whispers, breaking the peaceful silence between them.

Her kitty looks confused, “Huh?”

She giggles again because wow, life revelation.

“The pressure I’ve been feeling. When I first brought this up I was thinking about a friend. He has so much going on and is always expected to be flawless. It’s so unfair. No one should have to deal with that. It wasn’t until I started thinking about him that I realized it’s like that for us too.”

“Oh, so… you’re okay?”

She nods into his neck, because how can’t she be?

“I am, kitty. I just needed to get that out I think. Say to someone how I feel and have them offer their support. Thank you Chaton.”

He nods and holds her tighter.

“Of course Little Bug. I’m always here for you, you don’t need to be perfect with me.”

Oh god, is she gonna start crying?

“I’m always here for you too, Chaton.”

“Even if I destroy the Eiffel Tower?”

“Even if you destroy the Eiffel Tower. Always.” And just so she’s extra clear she adds: “And ‘always’ means ‘always’ Chaton.”

“Huh?”

This idiot…

“You said you’d always be here for me. So you can’t go sacrificing yourself all the time for me, because then I lose you. That breaks your promise.”

She can feel her kitty droop down in her arms, and if she were betting she’d say his ears are probably flat against his head too.

“I’m sorry,” she hears him say into her hair, “I know you hate it.”

Seriously? Was that his only takeaway from the past few days? From every conversation they’ve had about this ever?

“I hate it because I lose you Minou.”

“I don’t want to see you hurt.” And she gets it, because she never wants to see him hurt either. But the point remains…

“I know, kitty, but if one of us gets hurt it can heal. If you’re gone then the only way back is with magic and I can’t- I don’t-”

She doesn’t know if she can always save him. But how can she say that to him when he trusts her so much? Puts so much faith in her?

Somehow he gets it though because he squeezes her tight and says: “Okay, you’re right. I’m really sorry I made you feel that way Little Bug. I didn’t realize-”

“Never again.”

She can’t lose him anymore. She can’t keep watching him fade in front of her eyes. Everytime it happens her heart shatters and not even a Miraculous Ladybug can hide the cracks once it’s put back together.

She knows him though… “I can’t promise that.”

And she squeezes him harder then because she knows. She knows that as much as she hates it, when it comes down to her and him, he’ll always save her, regardless of if her powers are needed. And if things were reversed she’d always save him.

Still, she’d prefer if the amount of times he sacrifices himself for her were limited.

“...you can work on that and the media.”

That got his attention because he perks his head up from where it’s been sitting against her.

“Huh?”

“You said you wanted to help me. To take the pressure off. You can do that by working on that and helping me with the media.”

She knows he wants to help, and these are things she actually would like help on. She still struggles with the amount of camera and microphones thrown in her face, even after a year of being Ladybug. The times Chat Noir is in front of the camera he seems far more comfortable than her, although she doesn’t know why that is exactly. He’s coached her through some of it in the past and honestly she doesn’t understand why he isn’t the one people often call upon for that kind of stuff- surely he has more of a media-worthy personality?

A pause and then…

“Okay. Let me know when and who to talk to.”

Oh silly kitty.

“We’re partners kitty, we can do it together. We can share the burden.”

She can nearly hear the cheeky smile.

“As M’Lady wishes.”

“Hush Chaton,” she pulls away from him. The sun has completely set at this point and her face feels sticky from tears. She’s sure his is as well.

Still…

She puts her fist out, “Partners?”

And he bumps it.

“Partners.”

They’re making a promise. Maybe something even stronger than a promise.

Not much later they go their separate ways, and Ladybug swings home feeling so much lighter. All she can hope for now is that Adrien has a partner like that too.

And if not then she or Nino or Alya or someone will be .

Chapter Text

Adrien’s awake.

That shouldn’t be too much of a shocker, the past few days he’s gotten very little sleep.

But that had been because he was trying to punish himself he was trying to do better.

Now, though, he can’t sleep because of Ladybug. He’s laying in bed and staring up at the ceiling. And not in his normal “I love Ladybug so much and want to run away to a private island with her” kind of way (although he does love Ladybug so much) but rather because he can’t stop thinking about their conversation hours ago.

“Just…adults in general! So many of them expect kids to do whatever they want just because they say so. And to never make mistakes! As if we’re not our own people who are learning.”

At first he had felt bad because he hadn’t realized she felt that way. He should have, considering he’s her partner.

He hadn’t realized she felt so heavy. In retrospect it’s kind of obvious- he knows how stressed she can get. He’s even been Mister Bug before, so he knows that the cat and ladybug miraculous come with different responsibilities.

He was supposed to support her and he didn’t. 

But he wanted to.

“If you’re gone then the only way back is with magic and I can’t- I don’t-”

He had even added to her stress. Everytime he disappeared or got mind controlled to protect her he had stupidly thought he was doing her a favor. When in reality it just made her feel more overwhelmed.

“You said you wanted to help me. To take the pressure off. You can do that by working on that,”

He can do better though, help her so she doesn’t feel so burdened. Because he knows how exhausting having to meet expectations can be. Maybe not necessary as Chat Noir, but as Adrien Agreste.

And she’s a superhero that everyone expects perfection from. He’s just a model. 

The fact that he had started to crumble under the pressure just shows how much stronger she is than him. Hell, she said she hadn’t even thought about it until she started thinking about her friend.

Her friend…

“He has so much going on and is always expected to be flawless. It’s so unfair. No one should have to deal with that. It wasn’t until I started thinking about him that I realized it’s like that for us too.”

He bets her friend isn’t as weak as him. 

“Kid?”

Plagg? How long has he been sitting here?

A questioning noise comes out of his throat but he can’t say anything more. His head is too clogged with thoughts and emotions he can barely sort through, mind trying to recall all the events of the day and make sense of them.

He’s a bad friend to Marinette and a bad partner to Ladybug and a bad son. He’s burdening Marinette with his stupid problems and he didn’t realize the stress Ladybug was under and can’t do the basic things his father asks of him.

Plagg started talking at some point though, “-long enough.”

Shoot. What did he miss? It doesn’t seem like Plagg is talking about cheese (but then again he could be wrong, since he thinks he’s heard Plagg talk about cheese in every possible tone of voice.)

“Huh?” 

He feels bad that he’s having to ask Plagg to repeat himself. He’s been spacing out a lot lately and oftentimes words just don’t make sense. The kwami must be in a generous mood though because he doesn’t even seem annoyed by Adrien’s inattention.

“I said I think Pigtails had a point today. It’s stupid how much people expect out of you kids and it’s a good thing to talk about. Took you guys long enough.”

Oh… so Plagg had noticed how stressed she is? How long had he known and just waited for Adrien to notice? Was he just watching Adrien’s stupidity again? Plagg did love to make fun of him for it. But he doesn’t know if he needs Plagg to say it now.

“I know. Guess I’m proving your point with how stupid I am. I can’t believe I missed how she was feeling.”

Plagg’s looking at him now like he’s a puzzle now and what? Did he somehow still get something wrong?

“You aren’t stupid, kid.”

He huffs in disbelief. Seriously? Now he’s going to try and spare his feelings? There’s no point! He already knows he fucked up.

Plagg’s starting to look mad now, “You aren’t! Why would you-”

Okay seriously? “You literally make fun of how dumb I am all the time Plagg.”

Plagg stops at that, anger disappearing and replaced with an emotion Adrien rarely sees on the kwami: shame.

“I-I didn’t mean it like that Adrien. I never-”

It doesn’t matter though, because it’s not like Plagg’s the only one who lets Adrien know how dumb he is.

“Everyone at school does too! And father, and Master Fu, and Nathalie, and Ladyb-”

“You aren’t stupid, Adrien.”

He just blinks blankly at Plagg because he doesn’t get why he keeps lying. If he isn’t stupid then why do all his classmates act like there is something obvious he’s missing? If he isn’t stupid why do Nino and Alya always react weirdly when he calls Marinette a friend? Is he wrong and Marinette actually hates his guts and everyone knows but him?

If he isn’t stupid why doesn’t his father or Master Fu or Nathalie or Ladybug tell him anything? Do they think he can’t be trusted with the information? Do they not see the point of telling him something that should be obvious?

If he isn’t stupid then why does Plagg- “You always call me stupid though?”

“No, I call you blind. Big difference.”

Is it?

“And I’m an immortal being! I've lived so long that pretty much every human is stupid compared to my massive brain-”

“The only thing in your brain is cheese.” He cuts in, because Plagg having a huge brain is just hilarious to think about. Both because of his size and because of that fact he’s Plagg.

“...I’m not even going to debate that. Point is, I’m a genius. And me calling someone dumb doesn’t mean shit. I get exhausted with human affairs, but you know me! I get exhausted with everything!”

That may be true but…

“And Tikki’s really smart too. Not as smart as me of course, but she’s definitely up there. And I’ve heard her talk about Ladybug’s civilian problems, which is pretty much the same as any other teenager’s. Maybe even stupider-”

“Hey!” With the amount of stuff she seems to be dealing with it would make sense that she’d have some problems. Plagg has no right to judge Ladybug’s life. 

Plagg just looks like he’s just been given some expensive cheese, though, “Exactly! Just because Tikki may be smarter than Ladybug doesn’t mean Ladybug’s stupid right?”

…shit.

“B-but what about Nino and Alya and Ladybug and fath-”

“Did you miss the part where I said every human is stupid?”

…right…

Plagg must see that he’s still doubtful though because:

“You know you’re the best Chat Noir I’ve ever had right?”

His heart leaps at that and he wants so badly to wish it true.

“Because of the cheese?” Because what else could it be?

“Yes, the cheese!” Oh… “But also because you get me kid. You understand destruction. Do you know how rare that is? I’ve had so many holders who didn’t. But somehow, as an extra-young human you did. Still do. If you weren’t capable Hawkmoth would have won by now, or at least have your miraculous. Shit kid, your identity is still a secret. And with your schedule and the amount of people constantly around you I find impressive. When I first met you I was sure you’d be made in like… five days. Maybe even three?”

“Oh,” he chokes out, because this is just so much and Plagg actually makes sense but it goes against so much that he’s known to be true.

When has he ever just been good at something? Not because he has to be Adrien Agreste but just because he is? Plagg’s had hundreds of owners, and somehow he’s still the best one?

But still…

“You’re right though. I should have known about Ladybug. I claim to love her but then I actively hurt her and make her life more stressful.”

“...so what I’m hearing is that it’s your fault that you weren’t able to see through your partner’s confident facade and realize maybe she needs help?”

Obviously? He doesn’t know why Plagg is saying it like that?

“Yes?”

“Then… doesn’t that mean it’s your friends and father’s fault for not knowing how stressed out you are?”

“No! That’s totally different!”

“Is it?”

Yes! How can Plagg compare the situations?!

“It’s not the same! I have nowhere near the same amount of responsibilities as Ladybug does! I’m supposed to be fine!”

“Ladybug is supposed to be fine too, but she still admitted it’s a bit much.”

“That’s different! Ladybug is a person! She isn’t supposed to be perfect!”

“And you are?!”

“YES!”

They both freeze.

“Kid…”

“I’m supposed to be perfect,” he croaks out before lying on his bed.

He’s supposed to be Adrien Agreste and Adrien Agreste is perfect.

His room is silent before Plagg finally breaks in again in a much calmer voicer: “Look kid, I think you may be projecting a bit. You should consider how similar your situations are. You both have so much placed on you and you’re both expected to be fine. Maybe you see Ladybug as a person who doesn’t need to be perfect, but from what it looks like, a lot of Paris doesn’t. People are blind. They assume you guys are fine because you’re supposed to be.”

…but it’s not the same.

Is it?

What Plagg is saying makes sense but it can’t be true. Yes, he’s supposed to be perfect, but that’s because that’s who Adrien Agreste is supposed to be.

And who is Adrien if not Adrien Agreste?

Plagg’s still talking though, as if he hadn’t destroyed Adrien’s world enough for one night. “I think you should take the lead from Pigtails, she was right today: if you have too much cheese on your platter sometimes you need another tray to hold it. Sometimes you need to ask for that tray.”

Yeah right, even if their situations were even remotely similar who could he burden with that? Nobody needs his problems.

Does he even deserve to ask for help?

If there is one thing Alya Cesaire has perfected throughout her fifteen years of living it’s learning to see through bullshit.

She’s a reporter, she has to. And beyond that she’s also an older sister to two extremely mischievous twin girls. Bullshit has become a regular thing for her to deal with.

Most of the time it’s the same old thing and honestly gets boring after a while. No reporter wants to keep recording the same scoop. There’s a reason why the news is full of sensationalized, often-terrible things: it’s what grabs people’s attention. When people slow down to look at a car crash it’s not because they want to see it, but because it’s too enticing not to. 

Which is why Alya is so enticed by the enigma that is Adrien Agreste.

The moment the blond first walked in she was honestly unimpressed. Another fake, preppy rich kid who’s a celebrity only because of their parent’s success. Alya’s dealt with them plenty of times before. Her mom’s a five-star chef, after all. Sure, she smelled bullshit coming off of Adrien Agreste from a mile away, but most of those types do. They tend to wear so many layers of makeup to hide the fact that underneath they still have pores like everyone else.

Then the Gum Incident happened, and then the Umbrella Incident happened.

And both Alya and Marinette were taken, in very different ways. Yes, the Umbrella Incident is what led her best friend to become head-over-heels infatuated with the blond, but beyond that it got Alya interested. Both being drawn in by the same thing: his sincerity.

Because the thing about Adrien is that he can be undoubtedly sincere.

Which is alluring because Adrien Agreste is so incredibly fake.

That’s only become increasingly clear over the past couple weeks. After whatever happened in the locker room (or what the class is calling “Kim’s Terrible Pizza Incident” because of the cover story she and Marinette came up with that just so happened to be true) Adrien has been alarmingly… Adrien-Agrestey?

Over the past year it felt like they were finally breaking down some of the barriers surrounding whoever Adrien really is, and she’d hoped that what happened in the locker room was another step toward that, but now it’s like they’re going backwards. Because the Adrien that sits in front of her in class is too perfect.

And as a reporter, she knows when something seems too good to be true, it usually is.

Which brings her to now, sitting outside at a table during break between class periods with Nino, Adrien, and Marinette, where she’s staring so intently at Adrien’s head that it’s surpassing Marinette-with-Adrien-last-year levels of obsessed.

“Alya, are you okay?”

She forces herself out of her thoughts to see Adrien staring straight back at her as they sit across from each other, giving his usual wide-eyed look of concern. But there’s something under that…

Fear?

Alya quickly adds that as a point in her mental list of “Things sus about Sunshine” and she just nods back at him, forcing a smile on her face.

“Yeah, just wondering when Mme. Mendeleiev is finally going to give us our tests back. She’s usually so quick to grade, I wonder what happened.”

It was the first thing she could think of. But for some reason that causes Adrien’s face to stutter for a second, like he just got injured when giving a performance but has to carry on like nothing’s wrong.

Okay…add that to the list too.

Once he’s done buffering he just nods and says, “Yeah, I don’t know either.”

She can see Nino, who’s sitting beside her, looking over at him with concern, which only makes her more certain that this is a trail worth following. This is the most reaction anyone seems to have gotten out of Adrien in the past two weeks, the most she’s seen of Adrien breaking out of his full-time role of Adrien Agreste beyond some anxious looks that Alya wonders are a trick of the light.

It’s kind of weird that this is the subject that’s making him break character, Adrien usually loves physics, so she can’t see why talking about a test in a class he excels at would bother him, but Alya is nothing if not an opportunist.

“Yeah there are a couple of questions I know I was unsure about and weren’t super clear. I wonder if it’s possible she’ll remove them if enough students got them wrong.”

Adrien’s face is just frozen now, absolutely no reaction or indication that he’s even listening.

Okay, keep digging…

“Then again it is Mme. Mendeleiev, and she rarely goes easy on students. Even if we all failed she’d probably say it’s our fault…then again with you and Max in the class it’s unlikely that everyone failed.”

His face is still frozen as she speaks, eyes seemingly blank as they stare in her direction but not concentrating on her. His attention is suddenly back on her when she finishes speaking, and the smile he gives is so shaky and fake she’s almost worried if he’s been possessed. Because the Adrien she knows is usually not that poor of an actor.

“Yeah maybe, I’m sure you guys did fine though.”

It doesn’t miss her attention that he says “you guys”, almost like he’s excluding himself from the statement. Or how quiet and tight his voice is. And it doesn’t make sense and she wants to press more but then under the table her foot gets kicked. She looks to see her culprit of a boyfriend who’s not-so-subtly telling her to stop with his head. She also sees that across from her Marinette has abandoned her sketchbook for looking at all three of them in concern.

She’s not sure what scares Adrien off: the topic itself, the analytical glimmer she’s sure is in her eyes, Marinette’s concern or Nino’s poor attempts at stealthily signaling her to stop, but he’s getting up from the table and saying he needs to go to talk to Mme. Bustier about an upcoming photo shoot. Once he stands up from the table he nearly races away, leaving her with even more questions and with two of the people she cares about most looking at her with confusion.

“...what was that?” She hears her boyfriend ask and she doesn’t even really know what to say because she doesn’t know.

(…and why is there a pile of ash next to where Adrien was just sitting?)

“I don’t know,” she responds, “but something is definitely up with Sunshine. Did you see how he acted when I brought up the test?”

Nino just looks at her and then at the direction that Adrien ran off to (which doesn’t really seem like the way to Mme. Bustier’s class), “Yeah, maybe don’t bring it up again then? He looked really uncomfortable.”

Umm…what?!

“Are you kidding?!” she exclaims, nearly in shock by her boyfriend’s lack of interest to figure out what’s going on with his best friend. “This is the first lead I’ve had in weeks! And you want me to just ignore it?!”

Nino’s staring at her now with a combination of shock and indignation before he tersely says: “Adrien isn’t a news story for you to investigate Alya.”

Then he just gets up and walks away, going in the same direction Adrien went.

…okay what?!

The sudden shift in Nino is shocking, and she knows that he’s gotten upset before because of Adrien-related things. They’ve had tense conversations before where Nino talks about doing something drastic and Alya has to talk him down, but usually that’s because of Nino's rivalry with Gabriel Agreste. Gabriel Agreste was nowhere near this conversation, and she doesn’t know why he snapped after one conversation where Adrien went weird.

…then again Nino was with Adrien in the locker room that day. And she never found out what happened. He had said he was honoring “bro code” and “what happens with the dudes stays with the dudes.”

So it’s possible Nino knows more about what’s up with Adrien. And that does make sense considering they’re best friends. She may be observant but some things only get told to people in confidence.

Good thing she has her own partner in crime to figure out what’s up with the boys.

“Okay Marinette so we’re definitely going to figure out what the scoop here is right?”

Marinette turns from looking in the direction the boys went off to back at her, and she weirdly looks unsure.

“I…don’t know Alya? Should we? It seemed kind of private?”

Privacy? Marinette Dupain-Cheng is concerned about privacy?

She raises her eyebrow and she can tell Marinette knows what she’s thinking because she looks embarrassed and shakes her head.

“You know I’m trying to be better about this Alya. You’re one of the people who convinced me to stop obsessing so much.”

And it sucks because she knows Marinette is right. She had been the one to grow concerned with the amount of time Marinette spent thinking about Adrien. She’s had to calm Marinette down from many anxiety-induced spirals over the course of their friendship, and too many of them were Adrien-induced to the point where she was concerned her best friend would have a panic attack at the sight of one of the hundreds of fragrance ads around Paris.

Still! This isn’t one of those times where Marinette plans an elaborate confession that Alya has to push her to go through with. This is a matter of finally uncovering the mystery that is world famous model Adrien Agreste. Plus there’s Nino…

“But Marinette! Don’t you want to know what’s going on with Adrien? And I need to know what got Nino so upset! Something must have happened in that locker room and as best friends slash current and future girlfriends of them shouldn’t we know?”

Marinette still looks uncomfortable though, “I think Nino…” she starts but then drifts off, clearly trying to say something but not knowing how.

But Nino’s involved, and if something is bothering her boyfriend she should know.

“What?” She says, asking Marinette to repeat herself.

The pigtailed girl is biting her lip and looking at the table, and for a moment she worries Marinette is going to run away too but then:

“I think Nino was upset because he worried you were trying to trigger him on purpose.”

Which… “What?"

Trigger?

“Adrien. We all know he’s been acting weird and have been trying to be there for him. And when you kept pressing for what was going on I think Nino got worried about him having another attack.”

Another…what?

“What attack Marinette?”

Marinette freezes, face paling as if she realizes she just said something she shouldn’t have. And it hurts, it hurts that Marinette seems to know more about what’s going on with her boyfriend than she does. It hurts that despite them all being friends she’s the one who was somehow left out of the loop.

Marinette isn’t answering though, and she looks sick.

“Marinette?”

“Adrien’s a person, Alya.” She whispers, and Alya is so confused because she knows? What else would he be? A snake?

“I know?” She really doesn’t get why Marinette is telling her this.

“No! No, I mean…I know you know he’s a person. But what I mean is that he’s our friend. And I know you’re curious but he isn’t something to examine and investigate. You’re the one who taught me that.”

And oh. Oh.

It finally clicks why Nino got so mad, why Adrien was so uncomfortable. She’d been treating one of her friends like a suspect in a homicide case rather than someone who is clearly struggling.

How can she be so smart and so stupid? She’s an awful friend.

“Oh,” she whispers, and then Marinette is holding her.

“I know you didn’t mean it like that! You just get really caught up sometimes!”

Still…how does she forget that someone is her friend? How does she forget asking people about sensitive topics can make them uncomfortable?

She’s already made this mistake before, leading to her akumatization into Lady Wifi. How can she make the same mistake again?

“I’m sure things will be fine, Nino loves you! And he’s just really worried about Adrien right now I think. And you know how quick Adrien is to forgive people!”

“What attack Marinette?” Marinette’s arms stiffen around her and Alya can tell she’s about to protest so she adds, “I don’t- I won’t treat Adrien like a story. That was awful. But he is my friend, and I want to know what’s happening…especially if you and Nino already do.”

She can feel Marinette hesitating and she gets it now, how desperately she’s trying to protect Adrien (from her) and keep his trust. She’s honestly really proud of how far she’s come. The Marinette of even a few months ago would share his schedule with her and the girls (and Alix) without question to plan her next confession.

She tries to let the pride overwhelm the pain of the feeling that maybe her best friend just doesn’t trust her. That maybe they think she’s too callous to know about whatever is happening with Adrien because she’ll make it worse.

“You don’t need to tell me everything,” she adds, even though her mind is burning with curiosity that she’s trying to contain, “but maybe just anything at all? Without…you know? Saying anything too revealing you think he wouldn’t like?”

It actively pains her to tell someone to not share all the information they have with her. But she knows that this will at least give her a clearer picture, so she can at least know what situation they’re dealing with. The only pain worse than not having all the information is not having any information at all and knowing it.

That’s why she’s so obsessed with Ladybug. Because of how mysterious she is. Even as Rena Rouge she still knows very little about her and it’s maddening!

She worries maybe Marinette is going to deny her again but then: “I think Adrien’s been having panic attacks.”

And oh.

Oh.

“How do you-”

“That’s probably what happened in the locker room. I don’t know for sure though. But Nino has experience helping people through panic attacks. So if Adrien’s been having them it makes sense that Nino would have helped him and is now worried.”

What? There’s so much to unravel there…

“Nino’s helped people with panic attacks?”

Marinette nods, looking down and playing with her fingers at Alya’s question.

“Wh-” wait… “You?”

She nods again.

Oh Marinette…

“I’m a lot better now,” she says, “that was before… when Chloé was really awful. And before I got diagnosed and started taking anxiety medication.”

Alya forgot there was a time before where Marinette wasn’t as composed as she was now (which is still very little because the girl is a mess.) The fact that the girl who she knows goes into constant anxious spirals is actually a Marinette with medication can only make her imagine how bad it was without.

She’s really glad Marinette had Nino back then. Even if things were rough at least one of the most kind, protective people she knows was there for her best friend when she needed it.

But that still begs the question…

“How do you know Adrien’s been having panic attacks?”

The fidgeting Marinette has been doing with her fingers stops.

“Did Nino…” she doesn’t want to feel betrayed at the thought that Nino told Marinette but not her. Just because she’s his girlfriend doesn’t mean she’s obligated to everything he knows, especially surrounding such sensitive topics that Marinette and Nino have experienced together.

Thankfully she doesn’t even need to feel that unreasonable feeling of betrayal because Marinette quickly shakes her head at that.

Okay? But if Marinette knows Adrien’s been having panic attacks and Nino didn’t tell her then that can only mean…

“You saw him have one?”

She knows she hit mark because Marinette purses her lips together but doesn’t respond.

“When? Where? What happened? Did you talk to him? Did Marinette Dupain-Cheng help Adrien Agreste with a panic attack?”

There are so many questions she has, both about what happened and if this has impacted Adrienette at all.

“I can’t say…I don’t even know if Nino knows. I doubt Adrien even wanted me to see.”

“So he did see you there?”

“Alya…”

“I know, I know. But does this change anything with Operation Secret Garden?”

“No! I mean…I don’t know. But that wasn’t the point. I was there for him as a friend. Trying to be anything more would kind of be like taking advantage.”

She’s right. And Alya is again impressed with the amount of self-restraint Marinette has, at how decent she is.

The bell rings for class, signaling the end in what feels like both the longest and shortest break ever. They both get up from where they’re sitting, aware of the fact that neither of the boys are back yet.

“They’ll probably meet us in the classroom.” Marinette says, as she starts to pull Alya to class, and it’s honestly bizarre that Marinette Dupain-Cheng is trying to make sure Alya Cesaire isn’t late for class.

When they do enter the class Adrien and Nino are already sitting in their usual seats. Alya wants to look away out of fear that Nino is still angry at her but forces herself to look at him with an apologetic face, which Nino eventually looks at and softens at. She gives a look saying they’ll talk later and he just nods.

She then shifts her gaze over to Adrien, who is staring at the board looking perfectly composed, and wonders how this is the same person that may have had multiple panic attacks in the past few weeks.

Then she remembers what Marinette told her about her own attacks, and she remembers that there are countless times where Marinette isn’t a complete mess. The Marinette that’s class representative is the same Marinette that worked for Jagged Stone and the same Marinette that stood up to Chloé. And all of these Marinettes are the very same Marinette that used to have panic attacks years ago and takes anxiety medication now and still has times where she spirals over the seemingly smallest things.

She remembers the fact that she already knows that Adrien is a talented actor. She’d always known he was hiding something.

She just has a better idea of what now.

But Marinette and Nino are right. She’s been approaching this wrong. She’d been needling him like a reporter, when she should have been talking to him like a friend.

Because Adrien isn’t just an enigma or a scoop, he’s a friend.

So Alya needs to start treating him like one.

And sometimes that means calling friends out on their bullshit, especially when nobody else seems willing to.

Alya kind of scares Adrien.

…okay that’s a lie.

Alya definitely scares Adrien.

It’s not that he doesn’t enjoy her company, he does. He’s grateful to have her as a friend. 

Their friendship is mostly a quiet one built on mutual understanding. They both were new kids at school at the same time. They both love Ladybug and would follow her to the ends of the earth. They both work with the media, albeit in different ways. They both struggle with social interactions sometimes, not because of lack of trying but because they try too hard.

The thing with Alya though, is her intensity. 

Alya has told them all before that the thing she finds most important is the truth. She’s gone into rants about how she was to be a reporter because information is key, and that usually the best thing is for people to have all the facts rather than operating on limited information.

And usually during these rants he wholeheartedly agrees with her. Adrien’s been kept in the dark for most of his life and hates it. 

The key word in all of this is “usually,” because, as Plagg has pointed out several times in the past two weeks, Adrien’s a hypocrite.

Because there are often times where Alya turns his analytical eye on him and he wishes she’d stop. Sometimes he’ll catch her looking at him like he’s one of those puzzles to figure out and he worries just how close she is to the truth.

(What even is the truth?)

Alya Cesaire scares him because he’s spent some much effort trying to hide and it’s still not enough.

Alya Cesaire scares him because he worries what she sees under his smiles and lies.

(Alya Cesaire scares him because he’s worried that the answer is nothing. After all there’s a reason he has the miraculous of destruction. The miraculous of absence. Of nothingness.)

Alya Cesaire scares him because she knows the truth that he’s tried so hard to ignore. And he’s scared of when she’ll finally call him out on everything and he can’t pretend he isn’t a horrible person anymore.

He can’t really blame her when she does. He’s been masquerading as a person for years. Nino and Marinette are both too kind to see it, but he knows Alya will at least protect them. He’s just worried about when that time will come. Because he’s a terrible friend and a selfish friend who’s still scared to lose them even though he knows he’s making things worse. (That’s all he ever seems to do anyways.)

And it seems she’s coming closer and closer to doing just that.

Her questions during break on Wednesday scared him, especially when she brought up Mme. Mendeleiev because he didn’t know how she knew and oh god did Nino say something and can he even be mad at Nino if he did say something because Alya’s his girlfriend and he can’t expect Nino to keep secrets from his girlfriend.

She’d said something but all Adrien could hear was the words “rarely goes easy on students,” and “you and Max,” and “unlikely everyone failed,” ringing in his ears. Hitting every stupid worry he’s had for the past two weeks because what if he did fail and it’s not like Mme. Mendeleiev would be easy on him and oh god everyone expects him to do well and what if he’s the only one who fails then would everyone think he’s a liar and wait is he a liar because he’s supposed to be smart but clearly he’s not because he’s so stupid.

He had gotten out of there before she could say anything more because, even though he knows he deserves these targeted questions, he’s still a coward.

Nino found him in the bathroom not long after (which was still weirdly missing a mirror), and he just looked so apologetic and worried and Adrien didn’t know how to tell him it’s not Alya’s fault because he’s such a damn coward. 

They ended up going to class a bit early after Adrien reassured Nino several times that he’s fine and when the rest of their classmates entered class he had tried to ignore the stare he could feel Alya giving him as he looked at the board. He’d attempted to put on the best performance of his life.

And he doesn’t think Alya bought it.

Over the next couple days she doesn’t make any more targeted comments, which Adrien can only assume is Nino’s influence, but she’s still looking at him. Except now that normal analytical gaze he’s used to it mixed with something else:

Concern.

And he doesn’t know what happened because he had thought Alya was onto him, was aware of fake and manipulative and pathetic and undeserving of friends he is, but now she’s giving him glances similar to the ones Nino and Marinette have given him in the past.

And he should be happy right? If he has Alya fooled that means his secret is safe. It means he can keep being a selfish, terrible person without anyone calling him out.

So why does he feel so disappointed?

He gets his test back Friday, an 87, which is the lowest he’s ever gotten in that class but he also overheard Kim and Alix talking so he shouldn’t feel bad. But he got an 87 and his stomach rolls when he thinks about it and he can’t stop thinking about how stupid he is and then he feels even worse when he sees that Marinette got an 83 and if Adrien’s judging himself for getting an 87 doesn’t that also mean he’s judging Marinette? He’s a terrible friend.

By the time class is over and it’s officially the weekend Alya is coming over to him, test in hand as they walk outside, (Marinette having already rushed towards her home, having been anxious all day about finishing up designs for Jagged Stone.)

“Hey, Sunshine. I was wondering if you’re free later and could help me with test corrections? I really need those extra points.”

He sees that she got a 76, and remembers that school policy allows students who get below an 80 to go through their tests and work out what they did wrong, awarding them partial credit for every question they review.

…he has a feeling that’s not really what she wants to see him about though.

“Why don’t you ask Nino?” he says, trying to keep any bitterness out of his face because Nino got a 91 which is the highest he’s ever gotten in a physics test and he should be happy for his best friend. A good friend wouldn’t be bitter about someone else doing well.

Alya looks a bit surprised at the suggestion and he wonders if maybe he didn’t do as good a job pretending as he thought. He’s waiting for her to call him out on it when Nino cuts in.

“Dude, I barely know how I got the grade I did. I’m sure part of it is because of your mad tutoring skills. Alya and I studied together anyways and, no offense babe, but it would probably be more productive if we weren’t together.”

That’s true but…

“Also you’re really good at talking through stuff. And you know how shit I am at explaining anything that isn’t a mix.”

“That’s true,” Alya cuts in, “his explanation of inertia included going on for five minutes about how ‘not rad’ it is.”

“Inertia’s a total buzzkill dude!”

They do both have a point…not about inertia but he’s heard Nino’s explanations before and they’re only slightly more coherent than Vincent’s directions during a photo shoot. Plus, maybe Alya really does just need help with the test, and shouldn’t he at least try and contribute something to their friendship? Because so far he’s just been doing a lot of taking and taking and not doing a lot of giving.

(And, if she does out him, it’s not like he doesn’t deserve it.)

He nods, “Okay.” He thinks through his schedule, which is actually pretty empty tonight. His music instructor has been impressed with his piano skills recently and given him a night off. He had free time after dinner and he doesn’t know if he should be glad or disappointed.

“I can talk to Nathalie about coming to your place at six if that works?”

They’ve reached the stairs and he can see his bodyguard now. 

“Sounds good Sunshine, see you later.”

He says his farewells before hopping into the car, being taken home where he’ll have to wait until six pm. He knows he should be excited that Nathalie said he could leave the manor to help a friend, and that just makes him feel worse about the anxiety rolling around in his stomach.

Plagg doesn’t seem all too sympathetic to his plight either, watching Adrien pace from his pillow as he eats some Camembert.

“Maybe it’s a good thing if you and Glasses talk? You can’t keep doing this Adrien.”

Adrien just shakes his head dismissively as he continues pacing around his room as he waits for dinner, having already heard Plagg say this dozens of times in the past week. He’s already told Plagg why he can’t talk to anyone, the kwami just doesn’t seem to listen and he doesn’t know why. 

“Kid-”

“We’ve talked about this already, Plagg.” And they have, they’ve been having the same argument for two weeks. While neither Adrien or Plagg are actual cats, they both have a lot of cat tendencies, and that seems to have carried on to their stubbornness. 

“But kid-”

“You’re not listening to me!” He yells out, suddenly so tired and so angry. Shouldn’t he know better than anyone else who he is? What he deserves?

He’d worried that maybe the person beneath Adrien Agreste was nothing at all, but now he’s worried that maybe it’s a terrible monster. 

Maybe that’s why he was locked up in the manor for so long? His father can see what he is and doesn’t want to expose the rest of the world to the scourge that is Adrien. Maybe that’s why his mother disappeared, unable to handle her horrible son any longer. Maybe that’s why his father can hardly bear to be in the same room as him because Adrien’s why the love of his life left and now all his father is left with is him. 

He was encaged to keep everyone safe, but then Adrien selfishly went to school, breaking all the rules in place because he stupidly thought he deserved something. And now he has friends and is Chat Noir and has somehow convinced everyone he’s good.

“No, Adrien!” Plagg growls back, floating up to him, “You’re not listening to me!” 

The kwami’s eyes glow a brighter green as he’s talking. His bedroom is starting to smell like ozone, and Adrien knows whatever is happening with Plagg is serious. 

Oh god, did he just make the literal embodiment of destruction angry? Is this how the world ends? Not with a bang but with a little black cat angrily holding cheese?

…except Plagg doesn’t look angry?

Okay, that’s not entirely true. Plagg definitely looks angry, but the anger on the kwami’s face seems dominated by an even stronger, shocking emotion: fear.

“...Plagg?”

“You can’t keep doing this Adrien,” the tiny-god starts, “you can’t keep going down this path. I…I can’t lose another one. I can’t lose you.”

…What? 

Wait a second why does it look like Plagg’s-

Plagg’s crying.

He made a god cry.

He made one of his best friends cry.

What can he even say? “I-I’m sor-”

“Don’t you dare apologize. Not until you know what you should be apologizing for.”

Tears are still dripping down Plagg’s face, and Adrien notices that they’re an odd gray-green color. Plagg seems to finally have noticed the tears, as he lets out a swear and goes to Adrien’s sock pile and pulls out a used sock. At first Adrien thinks he’s just going to sniff if it as a way to comfort himself, but instead he uses the sock to stop the tears from falling.

..tears that burn holes into his sock.

Okay, you know what? That sounds about right. But the problem right now isn’t that Plagg cries acid tears, it’s that he’s crying at all.

After a minute of silence as the kwami uses his sock to cleanse himself of the corrosive tears before he starts up again:

“You can’t decide for us.”

…huh?

“You can’t decide whether or not we care. It doesn’t matter if you think you’re worthy or not. We do. You’re afraid of being selfish or being a bad friend, but by ignoring our feelings that’s what you’re doing.”

As Plagg says this it feels like all his worst fears are coming true. Because he is a bad person, a bad friend. He’s been hurting people without realizing it. He’s tricked them into caring and then got so caught up in the guilt that he can’t even acknowledge his friend’s feelings

“And you aren’t some kind of evil mastermind.”

Huh?

“But I-”

“Do you spend your days in a dark lair monologuing and picking people to turn into monsters?” 

“Well no-”

“Do you have a vendetta against two teenagers and want to take over the world?”

“N-”

“Do you spend your days actively coming up with ways to manipulate people and make them do stuff for you?”

“I don’t think-”

“Do you put poke around people’s rooms, find cheese, and then murder it by putting it under their pillow?”

“No?” Why does that sound so familiar? “Wait is this about Fel-”

“Then I really don’t see how you’re an evil mastermind. Sorry kid, you failed Plagg’s Certified Evil Exam. Failed pretty miserably to be honest. No retakes. No extra credit. And I’m sure if I asked anyone who knows you they’d agree with me.”

“W-what if I’m just that good? What if I manipulate people without even thinking about it? Maybe I don’t even need to plan because I’m just a terrible person?” 

What if he’s been doing this for so long that it’s second nature? What if it’s so ingrained in him that it’s not even something he has to think about? What if he’s tricked everyone so well that he’s somehow tricked himself into thinking he’s not a terrible person?

“Kid, I don’t think bad people worry so much about if they’re the problem. If you were so bad, why would you care?”

Maybe it’s an act? Maybe the caring that Adrien’s always hoped was his own doing was actually just another role he’s been playing for so long?

“I-I don’t-”

“And frankly this is just insulting.”

“Huh?”

Insulting?!

“Yeah! Even if you were some kind of evil mastermind and didn’t know it, do you really think none of us would have noticed? You aren’t exactly subtle, kid. Plus Pigtails has called Sausage-Hair and Blondie out for their bullshit tons of times. Glasses is super smart and seems to be able to see through most of your bullshit. Hat Boy is…there. And I’m an all-powerful, semi-omniscient god. Are you really just saying we’re all stupid?”

“Alya knows-”

“You have no idea what Glasses knows because you don’t talk to her! You just assume! Maybe you being a super-genius villain isn’t what she wants to talk to you about! Maybe she wants to talk to you about your mutual boyfriend. Maybe she wants to see if you’ve realized your feelings for Pigtails. Maybe she-”

Oh no.

“Maybe she found out I’m Chat Noir!”

Which would be bad. Very bad. Because he loves being Chat Noir and he can’t think about the possibility of losing it. Of losing Plagg. Plus Alya already knows Adrien’s a fake. So if she knows Chat Noir is Adrien then she’d know that Chat Noir is a fake. And Adrien can’t accept the possibility that Chat Noir isn’t real.

“-kid?! Adrien!”

Bright green eyes are forced into his vision and he realizes that at some point during all of this he’s stopped pacing and sat on his couch.

…his couch which definitely used to have a table in front of it.

…and now just has a pile of ash.

Ash that looks like-

Why did Plagg-

“Plagg?” He asks, pointing towards the pile that Plagg turns to see before looking back at him with an apprehensive look on his face.

“...kid.”

“What?” Why did Plagg destroy his table?! Granted he didn’t exactly care about the table, but still!

“That wasn’t me.” The kwami slowly says to Adrien, like he’s missing something.

But what could it be? It looks like the table was cataclysmed! Other than Chat Noir and Plagg who else could have-

“If I’d done that half of Paris would probably be a crater.”

But then what else could have-

He looks at Plagg’s worried gaze and then just…

“Oh.”

Oh.

Oh no.

“Plagg,” he chokes out as his chest seems to tighten with each second, “what’s happening?”

Plagg’s really quiet before…

“A holder gets more powerful as they connect with their miraculous’s area of focus. I’ve heard of a couple holders doing it before but…” 

But what? What isn’t he saying?

“I’m the kwami of destruction, Adrien. And the thing with destruction is it isn’t isolated. It can spread.”

…what?

“You may think your self-destruction is doing everyone a favor but you’re not the only cheese here. You’re part of a larger meal. And if you taste bad then that can impact the way the rest of the food tastes.”

“So… I’m… what? Just going to destroy everything I touch?! As if I wasn’t doing that enough?!”

Oh god…

“What if I destroy the house?! Or a building?! Or the school?! A person?!”

Oh my god, can he kill a person?! The only time he’s ever witnessed a person being cataclysmed was when Miraculer took his power and hit him with it, several times. That was the worst pain he’s ever been in in his life, and Plagg even said later that it had been a watered down version of his power and having the cat miraculous had protected him.

Nino doesn’t have a miraculous. Neither does Alya. Or Marinette. Or anyone else at school. Or anyone else in the house.

Oh god what would happen if Ladybug got hit?! She has a miraculous, yeah, but is only the cat miraculous a barrier for cataclysm?! Their powers are opposites right? What if their powers reacted weirdly together and it made things even worse?!

“Adrien. Kid. Listen to me.” Plagg’s little paws are holding his face now, and for a moment he gets scared because oh god, he’d drifted away again. What if he destroyed something else? There doesn’t seem to be any more ash in the room but is it possible this works long range as well?

“Kid.”

Oh, right, Plagg.

He tries to speak but all he lets out is a high pitched mewl. Plagg seems to pick up on what that means though, because then he’s pressed against the side of his neck purring.

Soon Adrien can hear his heart calming a bit and also…

Is Plagg licking him?

Honestly the idea only seems to calm him down more and he can feel himself relaxing into the couch, letting out his own purr.

They’re like that for a while, then Plagg quietly says “You’re going to be okay, kitten,” before licking the side of his face once more before floating to meet Adrien’s eyes again.

How can any of this possibly be okay? He’s destroying everything! And not just objects but his own friends!

He tries to convey that but nothing can come out beyond a hum as he tries to convey the hopelessness and despair he’s sure are already on his face.

“This shouldn’t be permanent, kid. Powers derived from kwamis are heavily tied to emotions, I think our miraculous is just responding to all the shit you’ve been feeling.”

And oh, yeah, he’d figured this change was somehow his fault.

“It’s just too much. If you want to contain the destruction you need to start at the source. All of this just seems to be everything in you bleeding out onto others. To stop things from getting bloody you need to sew up the wound.  If you want to stop hurting others you need to stop hurting yourself, kid.”

Okay…and how does he do that?

“Look, putting moldy cheese in a container doesn’t stop it from getting moldy. All of that will just build up there, preventing the other lovely cheeses from reaching their gooey potential. While possibly making the moldy cheese lose what made it such a delectable piece of cheese to begin with.”

Um…what?

“Get rid of the container. Let things happen naturally. Share the mold so you can all reach your delicious gooey potential.”

…okay Vincent might need lessons on food metaphors from Plagg because Adrien’s pretty sure he gets what Plagg is saying.

But still, knowing he has to get rid of the barriers he has doesn’t stop him from being scared of what will happen when they’re gone.

…but if what Plagg is saying is true then he doesn't have a choice. If he doesn’t he’ll keep hurting his friends, and not just by worrying them but by possibly destroying them or maybe Paris or the world because holy shit why are his powers doing this?!

He’s still so scared though, because talking to Alya means admitting things he’d rather not. Talking to Alya means finally baring his soul out to someone for them to judge. And he doesn’t even know what to expect because he doesn’t even know what his soul is. 

Talking to Alya means he can’t keep pretending, even if he’s apparently been doing a bad job of it.

(Talking to Alya means he loses his friends, and maybe even Chat Noir. And he doesn’t know what he’ll do if he has to go back to how he was living before even if maybe it’s for the best.)

Talking to Alya may mean the end of his world, but at least it can prevent the possible destruction of the world. 

Chapter Text

He doesn’t end up talking to Alya.

It’s not like he wasn’t trying to follow Plagg’s advice, but on the way to her apartment after dinner an akumatized villain struck, so Chat Noir was needed.

And he doesn’t know how to feel about this.

Because on one hand (or paw) at least he can postpone having that conversation, but on the other he’s Chat Noir. And Chat Noir has destructive powers.

But so has Adrien recently if Plagg is to be believed.

And Adrien is supposed to be many things but superpowered isn’t one of them. Least of all powers of destruction.

He had always thought he did a good job of separating the two. Adrien’s whole life is dealing with the expectations that come with Adrien Agreste. Nobody associates Chat Noir with Adrien (except maybe possibly Alya?)

Becoming Chat Noir is usually a relief. His body going from tense and burdened to confident and relaxed. And maybe it says something that he feels less pressure saving the world than he does being a figurehead for his father.

But despite his best efforts to keep things separate they have been bleeding through. It used to just be some cat characteristics he could write off, but it’s gone beyond that now. 

If Adrien is destroying things now, does that mean the lines between him and Chat Noir are more blurred than he thought? And if so does that mean all the things he hates about being Adrien are true for Chat Noir too?

All of this is flying through Chat Noir’s mind as he chases after the new villain that’s simply a giant hurling balls of fire around Paris. The weightlessness he usually feels as Chat Noir is gone, replaced with the same heavy feeling he gets when he’s Adrien.

And he’s scared. Because Chat Noir may be a screw up but he isn’t as damaged as Adrien, and that damage has spread, what does that mean for Paris? For Ladybug?

“Kid, relax. You need to focus.” A voice in his mind goes, and he doesn’t know if that’s actually Plagg or just his mind making up a Plagg-voice to calm him down. Either way it works, mostly because he’s reminded of the fact that getting caught up in his head is what his problem was as Adrien. And right now there is a giant akumatized villain, who is on fire, that needs to be stopped.

As he waits for Ladybug he watches from a rooftop as he tries to figure out where the akuma may be. So far the fire-giant has only been throwing flames at non-populated areas, but he doesn’t want to risk changing that by drawing its ire. Still, he can jump in to save civilians if needed.

Watching them throw fire at trees, Chat Noir wonders what exactly Hawkmoth is hoping to accomplish. Yeah he wants his and Ladybug’s miraculouses, but what is burning them to a crisp going to do? Even if he does succeed, this is just straight up murder. Have they annoyed the guy so much that now he’s going to resort to killing kids ?

The flaming giant doesn’t have much on them beyond, you know, fire. So he has no idea where the akuma is. Maybe this is similar to Glaciator and the akuma is being held within the giant? But he has no idea how anyone could get through the flaming mass.

As they round the corner with Chat Noir following the villain from roof to roof they come across a police barricade that stops them in their tracks.

…for like five seconds, after which the giant simply steps over it.

Yeah, Chat Noir really doesn’t know how much they thought that was going to do.

The only good thing with this akuma is that they seem more focused on destroying monuments and trees than they do people, so he’s still hesitant to start a fight. Especially with his possibly out-of-control powers and no Ladybug around.

And, with the luck of a black cat, that quickly changes as some of the police officers from the failed barricade start yelling at the giant.

“This is a violation of several city ordinances! Arson, public disturbances, blocking the flow of traffic, threat to human safety-”

As Lieutenant Roger continues to yell into a megaphone, Chat Noir can see the giant preparing to shoot another fireball, causing him to jump out of his hiding place and in front of the group of officers on the street. As soon as he gets there the giant is throwing the flaming projectile, so he starts spilling his baton around as a shield.

It…kind of works? Like, the heat is unbearable as the flame hits and he wouldn’t be surprised if he was sunburnt after all this, but the five police officers behind him are all safe (if a bit toasty.)

Roger is still talking though: “-and let’s add attempted murder to the list, and-”

“RUN!” He yells to them, cutting Roger off as he continues to spin his baton around. They might have just woken the sleeping giant, and he needs to clear the street before they fire any more attacks.

Some of them sound hesitant, but as another ball of flames starts to get thrown towards them he hears them run away.

Good. Now it’s just him and… what is this thing’s name?

The villain hasn’t uttered a single word so far which, while not implausible, is surprising. Especially given how often akumatized people like to air out their grievances during their attacks. Most people want everyone to know exactly what their problem is.

It looks like they’re about to go in the direction of the officers, so he extends his baton and starts vaulting around the street to keep the creature’s attention.

“Hey Human Torch! Ghost Rider! Seems like something’s gotten you fired up!”

Another ball of flames gets launched his way as he says it, letting Chat Noir know that he’s gotten their attention. He stumbles as he launches himself away from the incoming flame, landing on a light post.

Why did he feel so sick when he said that? The weight in his chest seemed to double when he yelled at the giant. Even now he’s recovering from the whiplash.

…oh no, is this an Adrien thing? The thing where he feels sick when he tries to speak so he usually just refuses to.

Shit. Shit. The stress was enough but he does not need this right now. He’s Chat Noir. He’s supposed to talk and yell and pun.

…then again people do like Adrien Agreste better when he’s quiet. Even his lady gets annoyed by his jokes a lot of the time. Maybe this is better?

As he’s thinking all of this another projectile gets launched his way, and the only thing that saves him from becoming a cooked cat is the fact the light post he was standing on disintegrates, dropping him to the ground so the flames fly over him.

No. No. This can’t be happening.

Reeling from the shock he darts into an alleyway, once he’s clear checks his ring for confirmation. Yep…all five pads are still there.

He didn’t use Cataclysm.

…but he did use Cataclysm.

Shit. Shit. He backs further into the alley, running into some garbage bins that disintegrate at his touch, causing him to fall onto the floor.

No. God, he never should have transformed. Can he detransform? He has to say the words to do that and he doesn’t know if he can.

And what if he detransforms and he’s still like this?

What if he missed his chance to fix things and now he’s like this forever? Destroying everything he touches?

“Oh dude, did he get you?”

He turns to see Carapace standing at the entrance of the alleyway, likely seeing him holding himself on the ground surrounded by remnants of destruction.

This cannot be happening.

With all this going on he can’t let another one of the heroes see him. He knows that his lady said he wouldn’t be replaced, but that’s because he’s usually semi-competent and actually able to do his job.

He just nods. Because technically the turtle is right and he had gotten hit a few times. He just…was able to shield himself from most of it.

Carapace goes over to him at that and offers a hand to help him up. Chat Noir ignores it in fear of hurting him and pushes himself up instead, nodding at him.

“...dude?” Carapace just looks confused.

He takes him a second before he realizes he’s supposed to speak, because Chat Noir is many things but silent is not one of them.

“Where’s Ladybug?” He asks, hesitant to try to get through the formalities of dude-talk with the other miraculous holder. Part of him wants to clarify and let the guy know he’s not trying to be curt, but the rest of him is trying to hold back its revulsion at the thought of saying more.

“Fighting the big dude with Rena…dude are you okay?”

Why do people keep asking that? They ask him when he’s Adrien and now they’re asking him when he’s Chat Noir. What do they expect him to say? Apparently he’s obviously not fine but he’s supposed to be fine so what’s he even supposed to say? If he says yes he’s a liar but if he says no then people get uncomfortable.

He nods again, Carapace continues to look at him strangely so he just gives him a questioning look.

“...it’s just… you’re not really talking?”

Oh. Right.

“Sick.” He says, and he certainly feels sick.

“Oh! Dude, are you good to fight?”

He really doesn’t know. But he should be. He nods again.

“Uh…Oh! We should go back to Ladybug and Rena now right?”

Again, he nods. At least Carapace seems to be reading his mind on that one.

Without saying anything else Carapace rushes out of the alley, Chat Noir on his heels as they go to meet up with the girls.

She doesn’t know where her partner is.

That’s the only thing on Ladybug’s mind as she swings from building to building, trying to keep FlameThrower (an apt- if not unoriginal- name) occupied as Rena Rouge gets as many people to safety as possible. When she saw a news notification for the akuma she’d assumed they’d need some extra help, and one lucky charm later (a token to an arcade) she had the assistance of Rena Rogue and Carapace.

When collecting them Rena had mentioned that she’d seen on the news that Chat Noir was holding off the giant, and Ladybug had hoped that would be enough until they got there.

But maybe she was wrong. Because here’s FlameThrower and a scorched street and no Chat Noir.

She’d sent Carapace after him, being the best one to protect her kitty if he needed it, but Ladybug’s starting to wish she’d gone instead.

But if she has lost Chat Noir she can’t lose Alya and Nino too. She can’t leave them to fight this while she looks for the remains of her best friend.

Carapace is taking too long.

He’s taking too long and she doesn’t know where the akuma is and if she can’t stop this then she can’t reverse the damage to bring Chat Noir back if he really is gone.

She should have been faster, but she was so cut up in preparing stuff for Jagged Stone that she didn’t hear what was happening until her phone vibrated loudly from the news. She should have been faster and stopped by her partner before getting Carapace and Rena.

She should have been faster but now she doesn’t know what to do. Because the plan Ladybug has in mind right would only work with Chat Noir. And Ladybug doesn’t know how much longer she can keep doing this because she’s getting tired and how did Chat Noir do this for so long? How is he always so good as being a distraction? She’s exhausted.

He’d promised he’d work on not sacrificing himself. Ladybug had thought he understood. He’d looked like he was doing better the past two weeks. Was she wrong? Had she been so caught up worrying about Adrien that she didn’t see that her kitty still didn’t understand?

If that’s the case then when this is done (if this is done) she needs to beat her kitty up, followed by crushing him with words and hugs until he doesn’t have a choice but to listen.

“Ladybug!”

Another blast nearly hits her as Ladybug turns mid-swing towards the sound, looking over to see Carapace on a roof across the street.

And next to him is-

Is-

Chat Noir.

He’s standing right next to Carapace on the roof, looking fine and unharmed and alive . The crushing fear she’d been struggling to bottle up dissipates, and then Ladybug’s changing course and running towards them.

“Dude, watch out!”

She swerves to avoid two fireballs heading her way, having forgotten for a second that there is still a giant-fire throwing champion to take down.

“Pull it together Marinette,” she tells herself.

Her inner-Chat Noir then follows her voice with: “It’s okay Bugaboo, we got this now. Unstoppable together.” And that honestly is a million times more calming than her own thoughts would be.

And Chat Noir is right there.

…and he’ll make so much fun of her if she gets hit because she was worried about him. He’d probably say it’s because of her repressed feelings for him, which is stupid, and use it as an excuse to get ice cream after.

…although ice cream really does sound good right now. Especially with the unbearable heat this villain is giving off.

Dodging one more fireball, Ladybug pulls herself behind a decently sized chimney. Which gives her time to call for the Lucky Charm: a pipe wrench.

It must be ladybug luck, because the universe seems to be sympathetic to her earlier worries and is giving her a break. Unlike most of her lucky charms, Ladybug knows exactly what to do with it.

The boys have moved towards her while she was busy, Carapace using his shield to block off the fireballs that FlameThrower is now hurling at them. While they’re busy she can see Rena Rogue rushing over from the other direction. She motions over to the fox-themed hero, who then picks up her speed and bounces to her, getting behind the chimney as well. 

“Okay Ladybug, so what’s the plan?”

As Rena says that, Carapace and Chat Noir come to a stop behind their chimney, Carapace still using his shield to repel any attacks coming too close because of the tight fit. Seriously, is it really too much to ask for a chimney that can shield four teenage superheroes from racing fireballs?

It’s not holding well, and it will lightly only need a couple more hits before it collapses all together, leaving them exposed.

“Rena, I need you to do an illusion of us to keep FlameThrower distracted.”

The redhead nods at that and uses her flute to activate Mirage. Because of the chimney, Ladybug can’t exactly see what Rena is projecting, but she assumes it’s illusions of the four of them coming out from behind the chimney and racing around to “fight” the monster. The distraction works, and the giant’s focus goes towards the fake heroes, allowing the real ones time to put into place their actual plan.

After checking with Rena to be sure that the illusion is hiding them, Ladybug moves away from the chimney so she can look down at the street. Scanning, she can find the fire hydrant that she had noticed earlier on when she first started battling FlameThrower. Originally Ladybug was going to use Chat Noir’s Cataclysm to break it and release the water, but with the pipe wrench she might not need to.

But with Rena Rouge focused on maintaining the illusion to keep FlameThrower distracted and away from them, she has Carapace and Chat Noir to make sure that FlameThrower doesn’t try to run away from the spraying water…

She looks around and different things come to mind, brain working at hyperspeed. Cataclysm. Shelter. Superhero illusions. Subway lines. Wrench. Fire hydrant. Gorizilla.

The pieces come together and she has a plan. The completed puzzle in her mind feels like just like any of her other successful Ladybug plans (although her Marinette plans may be a bit more…wonky,) which gives her the confidence to call out directions:

“See that fire hydrant over there? There’s a subway that runs under the street. Chat Noir, like in Gorizilla I need you to Cataclysm the street to make a ditch once Rena lures him close enough. After that I’ll use my Lucky Charm to release water from the fire hydrant, cooling them off.”

“Alright dude, you need me for anything?”

She looks back at Carapace who is giving her a look that she still struggles to believe is for her: trust. Complete and absolute trust.

“I need you to have Shelter ready in case they’re able to escape. It will be a backup so they can’t leave and it will contain the fire while we wait for them to lose their steam.”

Everyone nods and start towards their positions, but she can’t help but feel that something is wrong. But she has no idea what. 

She, Chat Noir, and Carapace head towards the fire hydrant on the street, and wait as Rena Rouge’s illusions start going in their direction as well, causing the giant to chase after them. Rena is smart enough to keep the illusions in the air, so all fire is being directed upwards rather than on the street. All the giant’s focus is too.

FlameThrower is moving closer, she starts to get the wrench in position to quickly release the water. 

Almost…

“Chat Noir, get ready.”

Chat Noir tenses beside her and Ladybug again gets that feeling that something is wrong.

They’re getting closer.

But what?

And closer.

What’s wrong?

“Now!”

She turns to pull the fire hydrant loose, causing water to gush out towards the giant who should be trapped in a hol-

They’re not trapped in a hole.

Because there isn’t a hole.

Chat Noir’s just looking in that direction frozen, having not moved at all.

“Dude!”

“Chat Noir now!”

He snaps out of it and looks towards the ground, putting a shaking finger to it as it disintegrates beneath the giant.

And beneath them. 

Quick reflexes allow her to grab Carapace and haul him to a nearby roof, with Chat Noir vaulting behind them.

What was that ?

Looking down she can see that the destruction wasn’t simply isolated to where FlameThrower was standing, but instead spread across the entire street, creating a ravine. 

She turns to Chat Noir who is just staring at the street blankly, and Ladybug’s hit with the fact that this entire time he hasn’t said a word. Even when using Cataclysm. How’s that possible?

What’s going on?

She turns to Carapace, who’s also staring at Chat Noir oddly, and whispers to him: “Keep an eye on him. Prepare to use Shelter if we need it.”

Carapace nods at her and she can tell he’s thinking the same thing: what is going on with Chat Noir?

FlameThrower is trapped and getting hosed down with water from the fire hydrant. The flames are dying out, so she should be able to find the akumatized object now.

Leaving Chat Noir with Carapace, Ladybug swings down to the giant whose flames have mostly been put out, making them less of a giant and more of a normal-sized human wearing what looks like a firefighter uniform. She takes the helmet and breaks it in half, releasing the black-and-purple butterfly that she catches with her yoyo. 

She purifies the akuma without fanfare, then rushes back to the roof she left Carapace and Chat Noir on. Rena Rouge comes up from the other side, having released the illusions she was holding now that the akuma was captured.

“Ladybug, what’s going on?” She hears her ask, but Ladybug is too busy looking at the person who’s supposedly her partner to respond.

He had disappeared when fighting alone.

Carapace found him.

He hasn’t made a single pun, despite the amount of material she’s sure there is about a flame-throwing giant.

He hasn’t even said a word this whole time.

He didn’t use Cataclysm when he was supposed to.

And when he did he did it without the activation phrase.

And when he did they almost got hurt, his power stretched across the whole street which doesn’t make sense because usually Chat Noir has never had trouble with limiting the effect of his power.

Only one idea really makes sense.

And she hates the very thought.

“Carapace, I need you to use Shelter to isolate this roof.”

She’s grateful he hasn’t used it already with the akuma. The turtle responds quickly, using his power to keep them contained to the roof in case Senti-Chat Noir tries to flee back to Mayura and Hawkmoth.

She starts walking up to Senti-Noir who seems to be backing up in fear, and you know what? He should be. Where the hell is her partner?

“Where is he?” She growls out, barely restraining herself from jumping him. The only things holding her back are the knowledge that her teammates expect her to be composed and the fact that Senti-Noir seems to have Chat Noir’s abilities, including Cataclysm. She’s never been scared of Chat Noir having such power, but for someone who isn’t Chat Noir that’s a very different story.

He’s still backing up to the edge of the roof, and Ladybug is honestly surprised that Mayura hasn’t recalled him yet. When sentimonsters have been caught in the past she always seems eager to get rid of them, making Ladybug wonder if there is something deeper at play.

Her blood is boiling at the thought that maybe the villains have her kitty right now, and as she’s about to ask again her earrings blink, reminding her that she has minutes before she detransforms. Which reminds her of the fact she still has her Lucky Charm.

Maybe…

She grabs her Lucky Charm that she left sitting on the roof and throws the wrench into the air, reversing the damage around them. Including the burns on their skin, the smokey holes around the city, and the cavern in the street.

But nothing changes with Senti-Noir, which was a long shot anyways because a sentimonster wouldn’t disappear unless she purified its amok. Still, she had hoped that maybe-

Her earrings are still blinking though.

“Keep him contained, I’ll be right back.” 

Then she runs behind the chimney on the roof as de-transforms, immediately pulling a macaroon out of her purse because she needs to get back there and figure out what the hell happened to her partner.

“Marin-”

“Eat up Tikki,” she says, “I need to get back there so I can find out where Chat Noir is and what happened.”

Tikki’s eating but staring at her with worry, and Marinette doesn’t get why. Her partner is in danger. She needs to find him.

“You think he’s a sentimonster?” Tikki asks, taking a break between bites.

But nothing changes with her partner, which was a long shot anyways because a sentimonster wouldn’t disappear unless she purified its amok.

“What else could he be?” Because Marinette doesn’t get what’s taking Tikki so long. She needs to get back out there before Mayura can recall the sentimonster and their only lead is lost.

“You know, I can sense Plagg nearby. I think I should tell you that Chat Noir-”

“Is close?” Because this is good. This means that he’s still alive and has his miraculous and she can get him back.

…unless Hawkmoth has already taken his miraculous or he lost the miraculous or maybe the sentimonster took the miraculous (can sentimonsters use miraculouses?) or-

“Tikki spots on!” She yells, cutting off her thoughts before they can get any worse because Chat Noir is fine. He’s fine and she’s going to find him and her friends are all right: her spiraling isn’t going to help him. Chat Noir doesn’t need an anxious Marinette, he needs a composed Ladybug.

Once her transformation is complete she rushes back from behind the chimney, towards Carapace and Rena Rouge who have surrounded Senti-Noir who continues to stand at the edge of the building. He can’t go any further because of the Shelter Carapace has cast, and she’s somewhat surprised he hasn’t tried to fight his way out when she was gone.

She can hear Rena’s miraculous blinking rapidly too, which causes her to call to the girl and have her go to where she just was, because she doesn’t know what is going on but nobody is leaving this rooftop until they figure it out. She’s going to need as much help as she can get if she has to battle a copy of Chat Noir (and then need as many bodies as she can to find Chat Noir.)

Rena nods and they switch places, allowing her to get closer to the cat-imposter, who she can now see is shaking.

Why is he-

“Where is he?” She asks again, running low on patience and knowing there is only so much time before Carapace needs to recharge. That’s probably what the sentimonster is waiting for. For Carapace to drop Shelter when he detransforms. Well, not happening.

She gets closer which causes Senti-Noir to stumble back even more, but with nowhere else to go he just falls to the ground, letting out a squeak as he does which is the only noise she thinks she’s heard from him so far.

He has no right to look scared. Not when her partner is missing.

“Stop it. I’m going to ask all three of you again: where is he? ”

“Ladybug.”

She turns to Carapace, who’s cut her off with a voice that is distinctly un-Nino like, staring at Senti-Noir in fear.

As she follows his gaze she realizes he isn’t staring at Senti-Noir, but rather at the rooftop. 

The rooftop that is slowly getting stained a black color, like all the life and energy is being drawn out of it. Which doesn’t make sense because he already used his Cataclysm: but the pads on his ring are still full. How is he doing that? Is this a sentimonster thing? Is Mayura able to make sentimonsters without miraculous limits? That seems unfair.

She makes another move towards the cat, who shrinks back even more and lets out the first word of the day:

“Stop!”

It’s a wrecked voice, barely a whisper but holding so much fear that it stops Ladybug in her tracks. The sentimonster has gone to clutch his knees, rocking back and forth as he buries his head into his thighs.

Ladybug doesn’t know what to do. She’s never seen any version of Chat Noir like this and it’s heartbreaking. She has no idea what Hawkmoth would stand to gain from such a performance and she doesn’t know what to do because someone with the face of her kitty is right in front of her and he’s hurting.

“Dude,” she hears, reminding her of the fact that Carapace is still here as he goes to sit down on the floor next to the shaking cat, keeping a distance and holding his hands up in a way that shows he means no harm.

The kitten lets out another squeak, letting both Ladybug and Carapace know that he heard him.

The corrosion on the roof is still spreading, Carapace’s Shelter likely being the only thing that’s stopping the ground beneath them from collapsing all together.

“I’m going to need you to breathe okay? Can you try and follow me?

And Ladybug’s reminded of the fact that the turtle sitting on the ground next to her was a protector long before he got a miraculous. That the boy underneath the hood has helped bring her down from numerous panic attacks and breakdowns, even when they weren’t close friends. That before they were Ladybug and Carapace, they were Marinette and Nino. The nutcase and the loner.

As Carapace starts to imitate breaths for the cat to copy, Ladybug turns around to see Rena, transformed and standing back by the chimney, seemingly giving them space. Rena has this calculating look in her eye as she stares at the boys that is so Alya-Cesaire-like that if Ladybug didn’t know her identity before she definitely would now.

“Rena?” She asks, as Carapace starts to walk Chat Noir (?) through the same sensory exercise she’d shown Adrien weeks ago.

Rena’s not doing anything more and is now looking at her with this questioning look in her eyes, and for a second Ladybug feels like she’s being seen through. Ladybug wants to ask more but there is still a possible sentimonster behind her and she doesn’t know how much longer Carapace has until he detransforms and the containment they have drops.

She still doesn’t know if that’s Senti-Noir’s plan; to spend all of Carapace’s time so when the shield drops he can get away without having helped them. But she’s also never seen her kitty so upset before and is worried what would happen if Carapace were to leave now.

They stay like this for a while, Carapace asking Senti-Chat things he can hear or touch, to which the sentimonster will give a nod to. He still isn’t talking, but the corrosion spreading across the roof has slowed down. There is some light returning to her kitty (wait, no, not her kitty, just a sentimonster who looks like her kitty)’s eyes, and she feels crushing relief because maybe everything will be okay.

Carapace’s bracelet starts to blink faster, though, and she realizes time is almost up. The turtle looks towards her and whispers something to black cat, before slowly pulling himself up. Ladybug goes over to take his spot on the ground as Carapace walks towards the chimney to call off his transformation, Rena following him.

She maybe should be more scared of the prospect of being left alone with a possible sentimonster, but she knows they’re both nearby if she needs them.

Plus she’s starting to get less worried about the prospect that this Chat Noir will attack her. Her apprehension is mostly gone. And maybe this is a trick, but then Carapace’s Shelter drops and this Chat Noir is still here, looking to her like she’s a liferaft of sorts and he’s close to drowning.

Where was Nino at in the 5-4-3-2-1 technique? Wait…

“One thing you can taste?” She asks, trying to remember if that’s where Carapace left off. She’s waiting for a nod of sorts (or a shrug, because telling someone what you can taste on the spot is usually hard.) But then she hears some words so quiet the only reason she can understand them at all is because of the surrounding silence.

“Ash.”

Which, yeah, guess that’s valid. They were just fighting a fire-based villain, although she thought she’d erased all the effects. 

But then the ground beneath her shifts and she remembers that’s not the only person capable of turning things to ash. 

The ground starts to shake more and she can hear the blond’s breathing pick up, which only reminds her of the fact that without Shelter the roof is likely much more unstable.

He’s breathing faster and she can see his eyes start to glaze over and she can’t lose him again.

“Can I hold your hand?” she asks, waiting a baited breath because in the past physical touch has definitely helped ground her before. In fact, Chat Noir’s touch specifically has been a reassurance more times then she can count, and if she can return the favor-

Chat Noir shakes his head, and she figures it was a long shot anyway. He seems to get scared whenever anyone moves closer, she doesn’t want to trigger him more. (What if this is a family thing? Or a bullying thing? Or a- no, stop, this might not even be Chat Noir.)

She’s prepared to drop the topic altogether when she catches him saying: “...don’t want to hurt you.”

And oh.

Oh .

“You’re not going to hurt me, Chaton.” She says, because even the idea of it sounds ridiculous now. Regardless of if he’s a sentimonster or not. All she can see right now is her kitty, and her kitty would be the last one to ever hurt her.

He looks at her in disbelief, reminding her of all those times she’s told him to stop sacrificing himself for her. The nails in her heart drive deeper.

“But-”

“But nothing, Chaton. You’d never hurt me.”

“I did.” And she’s frozen, trying to remember when he could have possibly…

“On the street? I’m fine kitty, don't worry.”

He shakes his head though, and Ladybug is left trying to remember any other times today she could have possibly gotten hurt.

He seems to take pity on her confusion though because then he quietly adds: “Darkblade.”

Oh…

So many things go through Ladybug’s mind at once, the main ones being that: 1) it wasn’t his fault and 2) how could Hawkmoth and Mayura have known about that? Maybe Hawkmoth saw from the akuma but they weren’t there to see how shaken up Chat Noir was afterwards. So how would a sentimonster-

“I was fine, kitty,” she says, “and that’s over with anyways. You can’t hurt me.”

Her cat just points at the roof though and she's reminded of the fact that his powers seem to have been spreading this whole time, despite him not using Cataclysm.

And the street…

“I know, kitty, but you’d never hurt me. And with Tikki I don’t think your powers would do anything. They’d cancel out. It’s okay, Minou.”

And she believes every word she says. There is no universe where Chat Noir would hurt Ladybug. And after what happened with Darkblade she had talked to Tikki about their powers and physical damage they could cause, unless Chat Noir was actively trying to hurt her his powers would do very little.

She puts her hand out, close enough that he can reach for it but still far enough away that she isn’t forcing anything. He still looks wary though.

“It’s okay, Minou. You’d never hurt me. Do you trust me?” 

He stares at her face unblinkingly, but unlike before he’s not gone. He’s looking hard for something in her face, likely any sign of hesitance. And then he must realize the same thing as her: there isn’t any.

His shaking hand slowly moves over towards her smaller, firm one. She doesn’t move, letting him be the one to initiate contact and move forward. Slowly going from lightly brushing her fingers to laying his hand on top of hers to interlocking fingers. 

Ladybug lets out a smile at that, and she can hear Chat Noir make a shaky breath before he starts crying and she pulls him into a hug. Holding him tightly for as long as he needs.

Her cat’s helped her numerous times before, it’s time to repay the favor.

Adrien’s being hugged.

That’s all he can process right now. He’s being hugged by small but strong arms and he isn’t destroying everything.

He stays like that for a while, and he can feel the hugger move one of their arms from around his shoulders into his hair, combing through it. It feels so good and he just pulls the hugger in tighter because he’s scared and he needs this but he’s Adrien and Adrien doesn’t deserve hugs and-

Except he’s not Adrien right now, is he? Adrien doesn’t have cat ears or wear tight, black leather. He’s Chat Noir and he failed to help defeat an akumatized villain and his powers went out of control and then he had a breakdown on the roof and the whole team was scared of him and he could have killed-

“Chaton, it’s okay. Breathe for me.”

He tries, and he can feel the hand that’s holding his squeeze before moving so the thumb can trace on the back of his own hand. Why does this feel so familiar?

He buries his head deeper into someone’s shoulder, trying to get his thoughts together. He was Chat Noir but Chat Noir doesn’t break down like this, only Adrien does. But Adrien was supposed to be Adrien Agreste and Adrien Agreste isn’t supposed to break down like this either. So if Adrien is failing at being Chat Noir and failing at being Adrien Agreste then who is he supposed to be?

He can’t just be Adrien. Because Adrien is nothing and Adrien is manipulative and bad and stupid and-

The hand continues to trace things into his own, and the repeated movement starts to pull Adrien Chat Noir away from his thoughts as he tries to focus on them.

“I” “H”... ih?

It keeps going: “I” “H” “I” “H” “I”

Oh…hi.

“Hi,” he whispers, feeling a twinge of deja vu for some reason that he doesn’t understand until the person holding him responds.

“Hi.”

A face comes to mind, blue eyes and dark hair as they crouch next to him at a park.

He’d stupidly thought it was Ladybug but it was actually…

“Marinette.”

How did Marinette get up on a roof?

“W-what did you s-”

“I’m sorry,” he forces out, overcome with the need now to just lay everything bare because this can’t keep happening. He already burdened Nino and now he’s doing it to Marinette again and he screwed up a mission and he ran away from Alya’s conversation and- “I’m sorry. You don’t need to be here. I know you and Nino are worried about me but I don’t deserve it and you should really talk to Alya because I’m sure she’d explain.”

“Wait! Nino, Alya…” he doesn’t know why Marinette sounds confused, she knows these people! “...Adrien?!” She gasps out in surprise, and he’s lost because yeah, of course he’s Adrien?

…then again he’d be upset too if he was hugging someone like Adrien.

He just whispers, “I’m sorry,” and her arms wrap around him tightly again. 

He doesn’t know how long they stay like that, but eventually he starts to pull away. Because he doesn't know what time it is but it was after dinner when the akuma struck and then sometime after that he ran into Marinette but he doesn’t remember-

That’s not Marinette.

His heart stops because there is a dark haired girl with blue eyes across from him but it’s not Marinette.

It’s Ladybug.

He just spent who knows how long crying and shaking in Ladybug’s arms after failing on a mission.

“M’Lady I-” he starts to apologize but then the words get stuck in his throat and he’s choking.

“Adrien? Adrien?!”

How does she know his name?

“Adrien, I need you to breathe!”

Is he Chat Noir or is he Adrien? She’s saying Adrien but she’s Ladybug and why would Ladybug be hugging a random pathetic civilian? But if he is Chat Noir why is he freaking out because only Adrien is supposed to freak out but Adrien is Chat Noir.

“Nino get over here I need help!”

If Chat Noir is Adrien then that means Chat Noir is bad and empty and nothing . And why is Ladybug here because she deserves so much better than bad and empty and nothing .

“Dri? Dri!”

He hears people rush over to him and it doesn’t make sense.

“Can you hear me? We need you to breathe dude.”

“Nino, he’s not-”

“I know, I don’t know what else to do. Maybe keep applying pressure.”

The arms holding him tighten, and then there is an added weight as if more arms are joining the hug. It’s warm and compressing and he’s starting to feel a little claustrophobic but he’s here. He’s somewhere.

“Sunshine, what’s one times two?”

Alya? Well, they were supposed to have a physics review today…

“Two?” He croaks out in the hug, head no longer ringing as much from his voice.

“Okay, double that?”

“Four.”

“Double that?”

“Eight.”

“Double that?”

They keep going all the way up to 4096, his mind focusing only on the numbers as they go. It’s math. He likes math. He’s good at math. You can’t trick numbers. They just are.

“Any better Sunshine?” He hears Alya ask, and he just nods his head in the cuddle pile, which is starting to feel even more claustrophobic than before. He hates to ask but…

“Can we… maybe…?”

“Oh, right.” He hears three voices say as they start to release him from the cocoon of arms they made. In the dark his night vision is activated, showing him the faces of the three people surrounding him.

Ladybug. Carapace. Rena.

…but they’re not…

“Dri, are you okay?” He hears the turtle ask, and as he looks at him he’s hit with the fact that only one person has ever called him that. And only one person has eyes with that kind of warmth…

“Nino?” He whispers, and the turtle just nods. He then looks over to the two other girls sitting next to him and if Carapace is Nino then…

“Hey, sunshine.” The greeting from Rena (Alya!) causes him to look down at his own clothes, where he’s still wearing his Chat Noir suit.

His breath hitches again, but then there’s a hand on his shoulder and he looks into the bright, bluebell eyes he fell in love with. 

“It’s okay Minou, why don’t we go over to my place? I think we have a lot we need to talk about.”

“What about your parents M-Mari?” He hears Carapace ask, to which Rena offers up another idea:

“We could go to my place. Sunshine was supposed to be helping me over there anyways. My parents shouldn’t be home but if they ask we can say we expanded the study session.”

Chat Noir can’t get over the fact that the people in front of him are all talking like friends trying to figure out what house they should go to…because they are friends trying to figure out what house to go to. He’s been to all their houses!

He’s been to Ladybug’s house! He’s been in Ladybug’s room .

“Kitty, does that sound good?” He looks back to Ladybug (Marinette!) who’s just looking back at him with worry. He just nods because he really can’t bring himself to say anything more and he’s so exhausted and has caused enough problems for one night.

Once they’re all on their feet they start jumping their way across Paris, making it to the window in the Cesaire’s apartment which was left half open (likely from when she snuck out to help with the fight.)

After they all step in everyone just stares at each other awkwardly for a second before Rena’s had enough and releases her transformation, followed by Carapace and Ladybug. Alya, Marinette, and Nino all look over to him who just shuffles in position, because now he’s supposed to-

“Dude, you good?”

“You don’t have to detransform if you don’t want to, kitty. It’s fine.”

She says it’s fine but he doesn’t know if it actually is. They’ve all detransformed and are looking at him expectantly, plus they’ve already done so much for him. It would probably be easier for them to talk to him and tell him the awful truths if he isn’t dressed up like a hero and teammate.

Still…

“My powers…” he can tell they still don’t get it, “I don’t want to lose control.”

They look confused now.

“Uh…dude, why would being Adrien cause you to lose control of your powers? They’re Chat Noir’s.”

He pauses because he doesn’t know what to say. How do you tell your friends that even when he’s supposed to be a normal human he’s going around destroying everything?

“It isn’t just when you’re in the suit though, is it?”

As Alya says this he’s reminded of the fact that she knows stuff about him even before FlameThrower. Anything he doesn’t share she probably will, it might be easier to get it over with…plus Plagg had said talking might give him better control.

He nods before releasing his transformation, because it may not matter either way in terms of his powers but if that’s how they prefer to talk to him right now who’s he to stop them?

Except it’s not just talking they do. There is talking, but there’s also crying and laughing and Marinette yelling at one point about “how dare you think you’re a bad person. If you’re a bad person then everyone else is a serial killer!”

It takes a while, and by the end he’s apologizing again for putting this on them all. To which Alya just shakes her head and says that this is what friends do. Even when he tries to say that he feels like he’s weighing them all down they respond that he’s helped them on numerous occasions too. With studying and listening to rants and talking about dates and comforting and helping with headaches.

And oddly they’re right. He has done all that stuff before, he just never thought about it.

“Still…I feel bad about making all of you guys my therapists.”

“We aren’t your therapists, we’re your friends. We’re here for you and care about you-”

“And will tell you when the stuff you’re thinking is bullshit.” Nino adds in, cutting Marinette off.

“...and will tell you when the stuff you’re thinking is bullshit.”

“Still, I-”

“Maybe if this was a constant thing it would be a problem-” 

“Alya!” The other two both yell. 

“-but it’s not. You’ve kept stuff in for so long. You’ve been the strong one both as Adrien and as Chat Noir. You don’t need to be.”

And that helps, knowing that there are still boundaries, that there is a point where it could be Too Much but he hasn’t crossed it yet.

After hanging out in Alya’s room for a bit longer, the three that don’t live in Alya’s house go to leave, transforming and exiting through the window after a quick hug and goodbye.

Carapace separates from Ladybug and Chat Noir pretty quickly, his home being in a different direction than both of theirs. (He knows where Ladybug’s house is now!)

Once Ladybug’s balcony is in sight she stops on a nearby rooftop, Chat Noir halting there as well.

She’s looking at him, and he quickly realizes there are tears in her eyes.

“M’Lady?”

She crushes him into another hug, lithe but muscular arms wrapping around him. He wonders how he never connected the dots earlier, Marinette and Ladybug both give the best hugs.

Still, as she’s hugging him his thoughts start to race: what if it’s only okay for Adrien to be a mess but not Chat Noir? What if they were all lying? What if she doesn’t want someone like Adrien as her partner? Maybe Marinette never liked him to begin with and now she knows he’s a disaster and hates him even more?

No. No. Stop. They said it was fine.

(They could be lying.)

“Minou? What are you thinking?”

God, she knows him so well.

It honestly says a lot that he actually responds truthfully rather than evade the question or answer it with a pun: 

“Do…do you still want to be partners after all of this?”

She looks at him like he’s insane and his heart starts to crumble before:

“Always, kitty.”

“But…I’m…me?”

“And I’m me. Does that make you uncomfortable?” She says it dismissively, but there still seems to be a tiny cornel of uncertainty in her eyes.

“No! Never. You’re…you! You’re Ladybug and you’re Marinette and-”

“And I have diagnosed anxiety, likely OCD, and have obsessive near-stalker-like tendencies. Nobody is perfect Adrien. Everyone has…stuff. It doesn’t go away, but we can work on it… together.”

“M’Lady…”

“Everything you told me today doesn’t change how I feel about you. Maybe you have self worth problems and daddy issues and are possibly autistic and have anxiety and a tendency to gaslight yourself, but that doesn’t change anything. I still love you.”

Too many things ring in his brain as she’s talking. Self-worth. Daddy. Autistic. Anxiety. Gaslight. But then the last part hits him…

“You…love me?”

Ladybug looks a bit shy as he says this and he’s just starstruck because how could that possibly be true?

“You know that boy I had a crush on?”

Yep, whoever he is is a lucky guy…

Why is she pointing at him? Does he have something on his shirt? He’s not really wearing a shirt but-

Oh.

Oh.

OH!

“Me?!” He squeaks out, because surely he’s interpreting this wrong but Ladybug is just nodding and it doesn’t make any sense. She’s rejected Chat Noir dozens of times, how could she have a crush on him…

She has a crush on Adrien?

Wait, no, that doesn’t make sense. She couldn’t have a crush on Adrien, he’s Adrien . Human disaster. Walking barbie doll. Nothing more than a face for the Gabriel brand. Both Ladybug and Marinette deserve someone so much better than Adrien.

But she’s said she doesn’t have a crush on Chat Noir. So who could it be…

He makes sounds that certainly aren’t words, he’s sure if his father were here he’d be scolded for how inarticulate he is but it doesn’t make sense .

She continues to look at him though.

“What?! You can’t! I’m me…”

He feels awful as he says this and he hopes it doesn’t crush her heart but it’s true. And maybe if he says this then she’ll realize she loves someone who’s actually worth it.

She doesn’t look mad though.

“Minou, what did we say about deciding things for other people?”

Oh, right. Alya’s house.

“...not to?”

“So, if I say I love the amazing, brave, kind, gorgeous kitty in front of me, who are you to say I don’t?”

But…

“But I’m the kitty in front of you.”

She boops him on the nose. “I know.”

He…

“I love you too.”

Ladybug’s smile brightens even more, her eyes nearly blinding with joy. His heart warms at the sight and he wants to cry.

He wants to kiss her so badly. Wants to take her in his arms and parade around Paris declaring their love.

But…

He’s not okay.

And maybe he can lean on his friends sometimes but he’s still scared of becoming too much. Of crossing the line and then ruining the relationships he does have.

Plus it’s Ladybug. It’s Marinette. And Chat Noir is many things, but at the top of the list are being a romantic as well as a perfectionist. If anything in his life has to be done right it has to be this.

“I think Alya’s right. I shouldn’t be leaning on people constantly for help.”

He’s so scared of messing this up. He knows he’s not in a good place right now. And the thought of hurting her accidentally because he hasn’t taken the time to work through his shit is somehow worse than the idea of not dating her at all.

“Minou…”

“I know you want to help Bugaboo, and I love you so much for it. But it isn’t fair on you.”

It isn’t. There have been so many times in his life where people have forced him to be the perfect one. The strong one. And he can’t do that to her either. She’s already mentioned that she has a lot on her plate. And Ladybug would be completely willing to sacrifice her time for him, but he can’t ask her to do that. Not now.

“If we get together…I think we should both be in places where we can support each other equally, we’re partners.”

“Oh…” her face looks down for a second and Chat Noir wants to cry. He’s doing this to make sure he doesn’t hurt his lady in the long run but he’s still hurting her now.

“...but maybe one day…” she continues, and he’s amazed to see a smile forming on her face again.

“One day,” he says, “I’ll kidnap you from your millions of projects and take you on a moonlit dinner on top of the Eiffel Tower. After all… that’s where I-Fell for you.”

She lets out a groan at the pun but he can tell it’s mostly for show. Because he loves his lady and can read all the expressions on her face.

…and she loves him .

He wants to…

“You know…I know we’re not like- I mean I literally just said we should wait but maybe…for the road? Like a preview? Or?” He’s stumbling and he doesn’t even know what he’s trying to say at this point, but his lady knows him better than anyone else.

She kisses him. It’s light, but filled with so much emotion and love. It lasts only a few seconds but that feels like both a lifetime and like nowhere near enough time. It’s a promise. A “see you later.”

He’s gobsmacked at the amazing girl in front of him, and she pats him on the head before kissing his cheek and heading towards her balcony.

He loves that girl.

…and she loves him.

He’s riding on a high as he heads towards his own home. Fueled by the knowledge that his best friends are superheroes, Ladybug loves him, they kissed, and according to all of them: he’s not a problem.

That last one hits him the hardest as he enters through his window, detransforming to collapse on his bed.

He’s not the problem. He’s not manipulative or empty or evil. He has people that love him. 

He can hear Plagg flying around him saying “I told you so.”

Yeah, he has stuff he needs to work on. Mental health being the main thing if all of his friends are to be believed. But he isn’t broken . He doesn’t need to be perfect. They just want him to be happy.

And once he’s a bit more stable there’s a beautiful girl waiting for him.

That alone makes him want to try and improve.

It’s difficult at first.

He wants to say that he’s fine. That he knows most things in his mind are made up. That he’s able to just throw away years of expectations and behaviors coached into him.

But the truth is he can’t. It’s rough. And there are things that he knows will never go away. He just needs to learn how to manage it all. He’s still expected to be Adrien Agreste ™ after all, so even if he can be more open with his friends he still needs to keep a lid on it around others who expect Adrien Agreste.

A few days after the FlameThrower incident Marinette comes to class one day with a small gift for him. He nearly rejects it because he doesn’t need gifts, but then remembers that if someone is willing to do this for him he should accept it.

They’re earplugs.

“Loop earplugs,” she had said, “they should help with blocking out background noise when things get too loud.”

They’re perfect. And at the time he didn’t know how to respond so he just blushed and gave her a quick hug, ignoring the giggles and whispers from the people around them.

It’s hard to be open with them. Sometimes he’s afraid he’ll say too much and they’ll think he’s weird or a freak or too much and push him away forever. It ends up being Alya who tells him to relax, and that he’s spent his whole life wearing a mask that any bit of exposure feels like complete oversharing. 

“It’s not,” she had said, “friends want to know about their friends’ lives. You telling us about your day isn’t too much. The rest of us talk about our days and daily problems all the time.”

But…

“Trust me,” she had added, “if you start getting into whiny-Chlo é territory we’ll let you know.”

It’s after a month when Carapace asked him on patrol why he hasn’t asked Ladybug/Marinette out yet.

“She’s said no before.”

“Yeah dude, but you know she won’t say no now. Dudette literally admitted she loves you.”

Yeah…but…

“I still have thoughts though, you know? I’m not…better.”

Because he’s not, for all the work he’d done in pushing the thoughts away, of telling himself they’re lying and he isn’t a bad person, of opening up to his friends. He still has them, and he still doesn’t know if they’ll ever stop.

“Dude, if you keep waiting to be perfect you’ll never ask her out. I know you said you didn’t want to have like, an unbalanced relationship, when you’re dating but the thing is everyone has stuff.”

“But-”

“Me and Alya can’t hang out sometimes because one of us will have a bad migraine or be hyperfocused on a project. Should we both wait until that’s ‘all better’ to date?”

“No-”

“And are you saying Marinette should wait until her anxiety is ‘all better’ before she can date? Because otherwise she’s burdening them? I mean…girl has no chill.”

“Okay, I get it,” he said, cutting Carapace off because he hated the idea of anyone thinking Marinette could possibly be a burden, “so what should I do?”

“Look, no pressure dude. You should wait until you feel ready but don’t…you don’t have to be perfect. Isn’t that what this whole thing was about?”

He’s right.

He was still trying to be perfect.

And maybe he’ll always be striving to be perfect.

But that’s why he has people in his life to tell him that he doesn’t have to be.

Three nights later he did exactly what he promised and kidnapped Marinette from her room, giving her time to transform into Ladybug before they made their way to a picnic he set up at the Eiffel Tower that she had the decency to act surprised about.

Later that night they had their second kiss (or is it third? Or fourth? Do we count akuma-influenced kisses?)

He doesn’t need to strive for perfection with it. There’s nothing either would change.

Now he just needs to teach himself that the same is true for him.

Over time he’s able to breathe again. He’s able to limit the amount of responsibilities he feels are pressed upon him. And when it’s still too much he has other people who he knows will be there to support him.