Archive of Our Own ^beta

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I couldn't even process the orgasm I just felt when he was already getting up and dressed while with his eyes he motioned for me to do the same, we were alone, but it seemed that as soon as we finished, everything we had done became dirty and shameful, and there was nothing to say but feel sorry for what we had just done. The warmth that her skin had just given me disappeared quickly since I was only covered by my arms that hugged me while I was already lying on a mattress on the floor. I wanted him to hug me for a few minutes, at least, but we had said it was nothing serious and if it weren't for the fact that we've known each other since high school, I don't think we would have even told each other our last name.

I sat on the mattress while I dressed up in my sports clothes (it was the excuse I gave my mother to be gone for so many hours, and so that she wouldn't be suspicious when I came back all sweaty and red) I saw how he still had the Christmas tree on in mid-August and on the table all the half-drinked bottles and some empty ones from the party the day before, which I was not invited to because it was too personal.

—I leave you in the same corner as always?

—"God Ben, you make it sound like I'm some kind of hooker." —I looked at him irritated while I tried to put my hair in a ponytail, trying in vain to make it not look like a tangle.

—You're the one who always asks me to leave you there. —He let out a sarcastic laugh as he played with his car keys.

—Yes, because I don't want my mom to know that I'm a slut who comes every summer only to fuck a guy! —I got up while trying to put on his sneakers as quickly as possible to get out of there.

—So, that’s what am I, Rey? Only a guy.

—You know what I mean…—I bite my lip—we say nothing serious—I said looking away while I was biting my nails.

—You always do that when you’re nervous, since high school, I remember every time we have to take a test you always have your nails chopped—he said while he took my hand away from my mouth, while whit his other hand brushes my cheek.

—A bad habit that is hard to remove—I smile shyly.

I turned to look at him and saw that he was getting closer to me, I closed my eyes waiting for him to kiss me, but he pulled away, leaving me there alone with a phantom kiss placed on my lips.

If I could I would go walking to avoid the awkward silence towards my house, but I don't know the way home although for the last few weeks for at least three times a week for four years in a row he has taken me, but I never pay attention to the road, I am always attentive to him, I know we said nothing serious, but I can't help but see his hands squeezing the steering wheel, holding back from grabbing my hand, when he presses his lips together to avoid kissing me when we say goodbye, and when he looks closely at the road so that his eyes don't give away the secret that he loves me as much as I love him has, and we do this routine every summer where he pretends that he doesn't love me and I pretend not to know that I know that he loves me, but when the summer ends, he tells me that he doesn't do long distance relationships and I tell him that I'm not going to let go of the opportunity that college gave me to leave our small town, even for him.

—I'm leaving on Friday— I whispered, trying to hold back my tears as he stopped at the corner of the church where he always left me, the one around the corner from my house.

—I thought we had one more week. —He didn't turn to look at me, but I knew that he also wanted to cry because of the sudden change in our routine or at least that was what I wanted to hold on to.

—Yes—I cleared my throat—they offered me an internship…This is the last summer I return, I decided to stay there.

A silence reigned in the car, I just listened to how my heart was going to jump out of my chest, and my eyes began to hurt from trying so hard to contain the tears that I knew would burst out at any moment and would never stop.

—Well, I'd better get going— I said quietly, trying to sound as calm as possible so he wouldn't hear my voice cracking.

—Wait, Rey—he said as he grabbed my hand to prevent me from getting off —Can we meet tomorrow?

-Yes.

I ran without stopping until I reached my house, I wanted to tell him no, that was the last time we would see each other, but I am addicted to seeing him, to imagining that during those two hours we are more than sex without any type of commitment and that in the end, he will hug me while telling me how much he loves me.

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I don't know why I thought it was going to be anything different, but when I arrived at his apartment (luckily he moved out two years ago from his parents’ house, and I no longer had to sneak in through the window of his old room every night, Although I was pretty sure that his dad saw me go out once at night, but for some reason he decided not say anything to Ben) I found everything exactly the same, except for the table that was without bottles.

-Can I kiss you? —he asked me so quietly that I could barely hear him.

Since when are you asking for my permission? I almost said it out loud, but I didn't because I wanted to skip my snarky comments and just kiss him, so I just nodded slowly as I started to take off my shirt, but Ben quickly walked up to me and stopped me. I was stunned that was always our routine. I took off my clothes, while he kissed me desperately while he took my clothes as fast as he could, but this time he took my face in his hands and with his thumb he slowly caressed my lower lip, and I couldn't do anything else just to look at him.

—I don't think I've ever told you, but I really like it when you look at me as if no one exists but me — He whisper between my lips.

He kissed me slowly, but this kiss was different from all the other kisses he had given me before, it was like he wanted to tell me everything he had never told me before or everything he wanted to tell me, but didn't dare to do it. The kiss was so comforting that my eyes closed and I collapsed on top of him. For a moment I stayed still, wanting that delicate kiss to last forever, but I needed more from him so I wrap my legs around his waist and felt his smile between my lips, while he held my legs and guided me to the mattress that was on the floor, as expected, we fell on it, we broke the kiss to laugh and we looked at each other for a few seconds, while he touched my cheek looking at me like I was the most beautiful thing that he has ever seen.

—I love kissing you, I wish you did it more often— I admitted while playing with the buttons of his shirt.

Without saying anything he kissed me again, but this time it was more passionate like the kisses I was already used to; his tongue entered my mouth while his hands took off my shirt and my hands desperately unbuttoned his shirt. The moment my shirt was off his lips separated from mine to bite my nipple and I couldn't stop a moan from escaping my lips as I arched to give him better access. With his hand he slowly brushes my leg until he reached the edge of my pants along with my underwear, and he took it off until I was completely naked in front of him. Usually in these moments I always felt vulnerable that he saw all my imperfections, but for some reason he didn't seem to care much, he just focused on touching all the points that gave me pleasure and I let myself be guided by each of those emotions that he made me feel, kissing every part of my body until it was not a single part of it that he didn’t love.

—You still have too many clothes—I said, barely audible, but I think it was loud enough for him to hear me because he got up and took off the clothes he had left, leaving me to see him naked, he was never ashamed for me to see him because I know that deep down he knew how much I loved him, how much I loved how every part of his body in a certain way fit perfectly with mine and I couldn't help but let out a low moan thinking about everything he could do to me.

—You look good from here—he smiled as he returned to my arms and resumed the task of kissing my breasts.

I made eye contact with him as he entered me. My mouth opened as wide as his, but all that came out was a moan. The pressure I felt between my legs was stopping all the ability I had to speak, I felt like I couldn't breathe, it started with a slow pace waiting for me to adapt, but I needed more from him.

—More Ben, please…—was the only capable one I could formulate.

—God Rey, you're killing me— he said as his penetrations became more and more erratic as he continued to possess me. — Look at me—he moaned.

I opened my eyes and knew that I couldn't leave him, that I had to stay with him, even if it was in this filthy town, because no one was going to fuck me like he did, no one was going to kiss me like he did and I was never going to love anyone like I loved him. At one point only our breathing could be heard, my mouth could no longer make any sound because of so much pleasure I was feeling and I could see how he was almost reaching his climax, while I could feel that mine was also arriving. He got as close to me as he could until he was completely on top of me and with a kiss he caught my orgasm, while he let his release and he collapsed on top of me.

—That was... different—I told him while I worked in vain to make my breathing even.

He laughed, as he pulled out of me and in that moment, he felt the same emptiness and cold as always, I was about to get up when I felt him pull my arm and take me into his arms and plant a kiss in my hair.

—Stay like this with me for a while Rey, I always wanted to hug you, you know? —he said while continuing to place small kisses on my hair and forehead.

I didn't know what to say, so I just stayed still while I closed my eyes and let him hug me and for a moment, I allowed myself to fantasize about staying with him here forever, even marrying him and going to Christmas with him using the Christmas tree that was already happening on the corner of his house and he would stop making fun of me for never coming to the damn parties with him.

—Stay with me— he whispers in my ear —you don't have to leave, you can finish your career here, move in with me.

—You know I can't— I whispered, trying to contain my tears, but they began to flow on their own.

—I don't understand why you can't?!— he said angrily as he got up and looked for his clothes that were already scattered around the room.

—Please don't do this to me, I love you, but I need you to understand that I need to leave here, I can't continue in this city that offers me nothing — I said sobbing while I covered my breasts with my arms and sat down feeling all the cold of the room.

—If you loved me you would stay with me, you would know that I...

—Know what?! —I looked at him expectantly.

—You just don't want to leave and I honestly can't stand another minute with you, so get dressed— he said as he threw my clothes at me —let's go, I'll take you home—

And I sat there for a while crying quietly thinking why I was leaving the hottest bed I had ever known, while I knew that the only heart, I was breaking was mine.

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—I'm going to miss you, promise me that we will talk on the phone every day or at least as much as you can— my mom said while hugging me.

—I can't promise much, but I'll do my best— I told her while hugging her very tightly.

—Take care and I promise that your father and I will come visit you on Christmas.

—I'm counting on it— I smiled as I said goodbye to her.

The same routine as always, my parents left me at the airport and I couldn't wait for the time to leave this damn place, only this time I looked everywhere waiting for him to arrive and tell me one last time to stay, because I knew This time I couldn't say no, but as they called us to line up and we got on the plane one by one, I knew he wasn't going to come.

I thought I saw him in the distance, but I will never know because I never spoke to him again.