Chapter Text
What kind of girl, one who hasn’t slept for 3 nights, dreading the drated day that she becomes “a woman” sits down to write her story, one that may never find their way into publishers and become a bestseller?
That would be me.
And although, it is 12 minutes past midnight and I’m literally writing at my desk with a flashlight reminiscent of candlelight, here I am, writing my story.
What’s my story?
It all starts on 16 December 2006, at 1200 Cheshire Cat Oakland Moor, Plum Street, Stars Hollow, Hartford, Connecticut. There I was- 10 pounds and everything, with a freaking pacifier in my mouth.
And my name was- Doula Jenkins. Until, by fate, or God, or the little fairies, it became another- Danielle Doula Jenkins. Born at 01:07 am. Which reminds me, Jess will be calling me precisely at the same time, as part of my birthday tradition- More on that later.
I don’t know whether you are going to enjoy this- you may have been expecting the classic opening of Sydney Prescott’s own diary- “Dear Diary, go f**k yourself!” Well sorry for disappointing you, I’m not that person. We may have only 3 things in common- mommy issues, anger management problems, and a diary with a less than impressionable aesthetic.
I’m more of a Mrs Maisel on her wedding day, oblivious to the fact that her life would collapse, prior to Yom Kippur, 4 years from then. And yes, I’m totally remembering my 12th birthday, where I was grateful for more than enough things- my parents, my uncle, my brother. And precisely, close to 3 years, 8.5 months later, I was no longer, the angel of Stars Hollow, but instead, a pariah, exiled to Philly right in the arms of my brother, my new guardian.
What you really need to know for now are 3 things in my life right now- my academics, my love life, and my family. Not necessarily in that order, but here goes:
Stars Hollow Middle School. I remember walking in with naiveté, thinking as to how everything smelled like freedom, friendship and... ammonia. Definitely ammonia. And now, I’m in the most prestigious school of Philadelphia- PLEASE, a school which could fit the ranks of the ‘Atypical’ meets ‘X-Men’ environment.
Moving on to my love life- it isn’t the next Jane Austen, Thomas Hardy or Charlotte Bronte novel. But here goes..
15 years old. As Ann Margaret said- how lovely to be a woman. And when I was 7, I already decided that my first boyfriend would have to have a name like James, or Jack or Martin or...
Marco. Marco Anderson. That’s who I decided on. THAT’S who I decided on. The boy who dared to kiss me on full display near the spray cheese section in Doose’s market. And before it, Bjork and the angels were singing ‘Human Behaviour’ as I made out with Marco in my bedroom.
Now you may be wondering the ultimate question- Was Marco was my first boyfriend or my first love? The answer is ... no comment!
Moving on- Family, mi amor. Well, it is something of a crushing pain in your back. Well, at least 3 people are the exception. But now, well only one is. My half-brother- Jess Mariano. Who everyone thought was my father. Given his age and behaviour with me.
My brother always told me- think of how dull my life would be without him. And taking the last few months of my life in account, I couldn’t help but agree more. But it was something this year that put things in perspective for me.
Let’s start with what exactly happened 47 hours earlier:
15th December, 2022:
“So, trick question” I ask Jess as we eat spaghetti and meatballs at Polo’s.
“Yeah?”
“If we could have any famous person narrate your story like in ‘Never Have I Ever’, who would you pick?”
He chews, considering the question, “Well, my pick would be Jack Kerouac.”
I roll my eyes, “Okay, let me put it another way. What living person would you like, to narrate your story?”
“In that case, it would be Dave Eggars.”
“Ha! I knew it. I got to tell Nadine. We totally bet on who would be your narrator, and Nay said Charles Shaughnessy and I said Dave Eggars. And I won. She owes me ten bucks.”
Jess gives a half-smile and an exaggerated sigh. “What would be yours?”
“Meryl Streep, hands down. Or Gayle Forman. She knows misery like the back of her hand. Just like me.”
“And Nadine’s?”
“Nicola Yoon or Angela Bassett.”
He shrugs. “Sounds about right.”
Mohit comes over and remarks, “My narrator would be Gordon Ramsey. Or Nigella Lawson.” We both look at Mohit in shock. “What, you are the most entertaining customers I have so far.” Just then, Barney comes in, masquerading as Buster Scruggs, “Well you guys and that hooligan.”
Jess and I choke back our laughter as we continue eating. And just then, we hear the unmistakable sound of someone skidding across the floor, having obviously not seen the “CAUTION- Wet Floor” sign. And Mohit sigh, “I’ll be right back.”
He leaves and Jess turns to me, “Anyway, regarding your birthday…” Jess starts.
I sigh. “Let me guess, Mom’s already whipped up a classic Stars Hollow extravaganza.”
He shrugs. “Something like that.” I stare down at my plate. I’m not so hungry anymore. “Hey” Jess says in a soft tone, reaching and placing a hand on mine. “I promise, you can have your birthday the day after, however you like. We can go to a concert, a record store, a drive-in movie. With me of course; even at Polo’s if you’d like. You don’t even have to have a birthday cake. There can be a birthday pie or a birthday pizza”
I allow myself to smile a little and nod. “Sure.” But as we walk back to our casa, I cant stop the tight ball of nerves at the pit of my stomach.
16th December 2022:
It’s 01:07 am and I feel my bed creak. I groan in frustration. I hear Jess whisper, “Hey sleepyhead.”
“You really want to keep this up?” I murmur in my pillow.
“Well, tradition’s tradition.” He says, propping himself up on the headboard.
I quote Mostel, “In Anatevka, we have traditions for everything. How to sleep. How to eat. How to work. How to maintain privacy.”
Jess mockingly says, “Ha-ha!”
I snort as Jess says, “It all began on 15th December when our mother went to the grocery store to buy a carton of milk...”
“Orange juice” I correct him.
“Good, you remember. Now, before we continue this story, I need you to know something.”
I moan in response. It means that I’m listening.
“I think you are by far the strongest, talented and charming person I’ve ever known.”
I manage a smile. “Right back at you.”
“And that is what I thought the minute I saw you coming out...”
I groan in disgust and bury myself deeper in his bicep. It’s going to be a long night...
19 hours later:
I sleep to the sound of The Distillers as we drive to Stars Hollow. We end up at the Crap Shack, and Jess nudges me on the shoulder.
“We’re here Birthday Girl!”
I roll my eyes, “I promise if you go all Neil Sedaka and put on a party hat, I’ll bite your head off!”
He laughs. “Okay. Come on.”
We wait outside the front door. I pull out the olives I swept from Polo’s and attempt to recreate Susan Vance’s olive trick. I accidently drop one just as Mom opens the door. She gushes, “Aww, there’s my little girl.” Kissing me on both cheeks, she says, “Happy Birthday baby!”
I make a noise and say nevertheless, “Thanks, Ma.”
She comes out and ask, “How was the drive UP?” she yelps as she slips on the olive I dropped earlier. I stifle a laugh and Jess and I pick her up. She dusts off and locates the olive. She looks at me and I shrug. “Was trying a trick. Guess the olive got away.”
She huffs and gestures to come in. I follow with Jess behind me to cheers of, “SURPRISE!”
And my jaw drops open in shock. The whole town’s here! Taylor, Miss Patty, and even Kirk and Lulu! I look around to see everything draped in pink. I ask Mom, “Why is everything in pink?!”
“Oh honey, didn’t you say you wanted a whole My Little Pony theme for your sweet sixteen?”
I roll my eyes. “Yes! When I was 10.”
I feel a strong force hit my legs. I sigh and fake a smile. “Hey, Laurie!”
“Happy Birthday, Denny!”
I chuckle as I pick her up and kiss her on the cheek and whisper a thanks as I nuzzle her cheek and she giggles. And everyone clamours around me to wish Happy Birthday and I get overwhelmed. Mom puts on the music and I blanche. “Mom, why is the soundtrack of Sixteen Candles playing?” I call out.
“Didn’t you not ask for this soundtrack for your birthday?”
“It was a joke! We just watched it, urgh never mind!” I say. I sigh as I see Kirk try to bust a move. And everyone follows suit. I put Laurie down and she scampers to either her mom and Lorelai. And for a minute I can’t breathe! At the same time, everyone’s focused on everyone else, as if I’m invisible. I see Jess engaged in conversation with Rory and Luke. I feel my heart sink. For a while, I feel like I’m on the first day of school. With no one at my side! Just like how I was before my expulsion here. And only one thought screams in my head-
I’ve gotta get outta here!
And so I do. I sneak out the back door. And gulping the fresh air, I go to one place of solitude. A place where I cried unbashfully. Where I could feel my heart beat. Where I cradled the broken pieces of myself and sew it up myself.
I reach the bridge, now with lamps at equal intervals. I kick off my knee boats and my leather jacket, revealing my sleeveless red shiny blouse and my black mini skirt. I swing my legs over the water and take in the scenery. I hum to the sound of the breeze. And I feel the tears at the back of my eyes. And so I sing-
You're on the air, I'm underground
Signal's fading, can't be found
I finally open up
For you I would do anything
But you've turned off the volume
Just when I've begun to sing
Come to your senses
Defenses are not the way to go
And you know, or at least you knew
Everything's strange, you've changed
And I don't know what to do to get through
I don't know what to do.
I feel the tears on my cheek but I sing my heart out, feeling the pain leave me as I sing-
I have to laugh
I sure put on a show
Love is passe in this day and age
How can we expect it to grow?
You as the knight
Me as the queen
But all I've got tonight
Is static on a screen
Come to your senses
Suspense is fine if you’re just an empty image emanating out of a screen
Baby be real, you can feel again. You don't need a music box melody
To know what I mean.
I look at the moon, veiled by darkness and ask him as if he knew, the proverbial master:
Deep in my eyes, what do you see?
Deep in my sighs, listen to me
Let the music commence from inside
Not only one sense, but I use all five
Come to your senses
Come to my senses
Come to my senses
I want to come back
Alive.
I burst out crying. Burying my head in my hands, I let it out. The pain and frustration. And I hear the footsteps. I sense him. Jess. I sniffle and wipe my face. I whisper. “I’m sorry. I had to get out of there. I wasn’t feeling like giving the whole Rachel Green ‘Everyone’s-been-telling-me-you’re-a-shoe-but-I-wanna-be-a-hat’ speech. Or get a raunchy “Happy Birthday Mr. President” gift.”
“I get it.”
“One may lead a horse to water” I say.
“Twenty cannot make him drink?” Jess completes in a beat.
I turn to him in shock. “How did you know that?”
“Christina Rossetti.” He shakes his head disapprovingly at my look of shock. “I’ve read poetry, Dani. I don’t exactly prefer it”.
Jess sits next to me, not saying anything. He nudges me on the arm. “You know, this is my favourite place too."
“Oh yeah?”
“You see right over there?” I look over to where he’s pointing.
“Yeah?” I reply confused.
“That’s where Luke pushed me in.”
“Come again?”
“Seriously, we were walking and all of a sudden out of nowhere, I get pushed so hard, I fall in head first.” I crack up. After a beat of silence, he asks, “Do you know how you got your name?”
I look at him and shake my head. He takes a deep breath. “Mom went into labour and wanted a home birth, given that she had problems with me as I was born in a hospital. She and TJ wanted Luke to be there, but they gave me the privilege of picking your middle name. And I stayed awake the whole night, figuring out the perfect middle name. Eventually I came around to seeing you after you were born. And I was panicking, I didn’t come with any good names. And Mom revealed you as Doula Danes-Jenkins.”
“Oh, good God!”
“I know, but I’ve not come to the good part yet. And then Mom gave you to me to hold. And you were so small you fit in my upper arm.” He demonstrates. “And after cuddling you for a while, you opened your eyes and looked up at me. It was a sweet brown and I just had one thought in my head. That you were a champion of the world. It could be also the fact that I did a re-read of ‘Danny the Champion of the World’. So, you were Doula Danielle Jenkins. But then at your baptism, Reverend Skinner recites your name as Danielle Doula Jenkins. And that’s when we learnt that the names were switched. A classic Richard Parker situation.”
I exhale a huh. “Wow!”
“Yeah, wow!”
I say it, “You know? Mom and Dad weren’t in the smooth sailing part of their marriage before he... When Mom and Dad would fight, I would get so scared and run.” My throat thickens and I continue, “I started running so much literally, when did I start running away from my feelings, I don’t know, I lost count or something.”
For a while, it’s quiet. The sounds of our breathing the only apparent thing. And he nudges me. I look at him. He holds out a box. I take it apprehensively and open it.
Inside is a gold necklace. And I see the pendant- a hummingbird. I look at him and ask, “What is this?”
He looks at me. He begins, “Did you know hummingbirds have different migration patterns and they can go on for miles? They carve out new paths in all places possible. They’re the smallest birds but can endure a lot more than other birds.”
“And... what are you trying to say?”
“That... I know things are painful right now. But you are by far the strongest person I know. You may feel small or alone, but you’re going to have a great life. I promise.”
I scoff and get up. I pace on the planks of the bridge. “You don’t get it do you?”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m... I’ve been on my own since Dad died. And when I needed people the most, at my absolute worst and lowest point ever, people kicked me down. They... compared me to you! And you were... happy! On the other side! And I knew I couldn’t burden you! And I feel old not in a 16-year-old sense, but I’m 54 or 60. And I’m dreading the day I turn 21, that I’ll be stuck in a mediocre job or I’m married to some loser who impregnates me on our wedding night. Or worse, I’m stuck with you... for life!” I stop to catch my breath.
Jess gets up, dusting himself. He looks at me and say, “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. I’m sorry you feel that way, that you’re ancient or whatever you’re feeling right now that too on your birthday. But I’m going to tell you this- you’re going to have a hell of a life. You’re going to be happy with the smallest things, and you’re going to make mistakes and you’re going to fall¸ but you’re going to get back up! And I promise you- that you will never, ever end up living with me for the rest of your life! You’re out by the time you’re done with school! And you’re going to pay back your fees over the years, and you will get some fancy job and meet me over coffee and tell me all about it!”
I laugh and I say, “Oh Jess...”
And I take a step back and fall backwards into the lake.
-x-
I tighten my arms around Jess’s shoulders as he carries me back to the house. I sputter and shiver as I whisper, “I can’t believe we pulled a Mike-and-Tracy.”
He laughs, dripping wet himself. And I join in at the absurdity of it all. I’m bundled in both my jacket which was not on me and Jess’s overcoat. We reach the house. I whisper, “Jess, sing!”
“Why?”
“Because I feel as sick as Ingrid Bergman in that movie such that Cary Grant has to carry her out!”
He mutters, “How many movies are you familiar with?”
“I had a lot of free time.”
He rolls his eyes and starts singing, I’m Singing in the Rain. We reach the front steps and Jess opens the door. We hear the collected gasps of shock but Jess keeps singing. He takes me to the guest room and gently puts me on the bed. I clutch his hand and ask, “Please stay. Until I go to sleep.”
He sits on the edge and sings softly in an off-key. I smile and whisper, “Jess?”
He stops singing and asks, “Yeah?”
“I’m sorry. For going to have to make your life hell again.”
He laughs and sings softly, “Along with the sunshine, there's gotta be a little rain sometime, when you take you gotta give so live and let live or let go. Oh-whoa-whoa-whoa. I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden.”
I smile. That’s what he used to sing to me when I had difficulty sleeping. And I listen to his voice and give in to the peaceful ember pulling me into sleep.
-x-
Jess:
The party is cleared out. I come down and see the family nursing food. I shrug, “There was a bit of an accident. I’m going to head to the apartment and get a change of clothes.”
I walk to my car and grab my duffel bag. I open the door to the diner and take a warm shower. Once done, I wrap a towel around my waist and come out and see Rory shriek in surprise.
“Ah! Rory!!” I say, surprised.
“Sorry, I thought you’d like to talk and...” she trails off. I see her staring at my bare chest.
“Uh Rory? My eyes are up here.”
She snaps up guiltily. “I’m sorry, I’ll be down in the...” and she leaves.
I chuckle. Once I’m changed, I see her sitting at the counter, holding a Corona. I take a seat next to her and take another Corona. I take a big swig and she asks, “Rough night huh?”
“Oh, you have no idea.”
“You know when I turned 16, I hated the party my grandmother gave me. And my second party was the best I ever had. Here in Stars Hollow.”
I look at her. “Ironic huh?”
She laughs. “Yeah well, Dani isn’t me.”
I twist the bottle in my hands and taking a swig, I ask, “You know how I celebrated my 16th birthday?”
She shakes her head. I take another sip and sighing, I said curtly, “Neither do I. All I know is I had a pizza slice and my mother took a trip to Long Island.”
I feel her hand on my shoulder. I missed her touch. “Sad boy.”
I lean into it, being jolted into another memory- Kyle’s party. I close my eyes in pain. How I wish things were different.
“I promised myself that Dani wouldn’t face the same thing as I. And right now, I feel so ashamed. What do I do?”
She presses my shoulder comfortingly. “Well, give her a second birthday. A Stars Hollow extravaganza.”
I roll my eyes. She amends it. “Not exactly in Stars Hollow, but something that’ll make her happy.”
I look at her. She gives me a reassuring smile. I take another sip and say, “Alright. What do I do?”
-x-