Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Dean Winchester tries to commit suicide in a dirty motel bathtub, one bleak Friday night. Half a bottle of sleeping pills and a bottle and a half of whisky do the trick. He drifts out of conscience quickly, feeling like he is drowning and afterwards he really starts to drown in the full bathtub. Someone passing by happens to hear the commotion and they manage to get him out of the water 15 minutes later and the paramedics give him CPR, which promotes his heart to start beating again. It doesn’t change a thing, because the damage is already done. Once they get to the hospital, the doctors pronounce him brain death, his beautiful green eyes don’t hold any reflex and his throat is no putting any resistance to the breathing tube, the exams show no sign of brain activity. At least that is what the doctors explain Sam and John when they finally arrive at the hospital almost 24 hours later. A young nurse shows them the way to Dean´s room, Sam´s brain tells him that is a damn shame his brother is unconscious, because he would love to flirt and make jokes with the nurse, he hasn’t quite grasped yet that his big brother is not going to wake up. John watches his oldest son laying in the hospital bed and he gets mad, how dare Dean do that to them?, after everything, after finally killing Yellow eyes almost a year back, they deserve some peace, they deserve to live long fulfilling happy lives, he doesn’t seem to remember that it is been almost the same amount of time since the last time he has seen or even talked to his son.
After what seem only a couple minutes, but were probably hours, a young resident and a social worker try to talk to them, asking what Sam and John consider tactless questions, how can they be asking so callously if they have permission to remove Dean´s organs and give them to someone else? Why don’t they understand that his big brother is going to wake up anytime now and call him a big girl for crying and then make an off-hand comment they will all pretend to believe? “Why are you crying, you big baby girl? Aww Sammy, were you worried about big old me? I admit it wasn’t my greatest idea, but the hunt was a bitch, now why don’t you bring me some pie and ask the doctor when I can blow this joint”. John´s line of thought is similar and yet different, how can this so call professionals talk about his son like this, this is just like when Dean was younger in what seemed a lifetime ago, when he would hide under the covers and try to scare his dad yelling “got you”, but, Jonh´s brain tells him, this time he is not hiding under the covers and there wont be a giant “got you” before a goodnight hug.
That night, after traumatizing the hospital staff, they are left alone in the room with the breathing body of Dean, by now Sam can empirically say he knows his brother is not waking up, it should feel best/worse than denial, but honestly he doesn’t feel nothing, it is like the moment his brain understood that Dean is not coming back, all the joy was sucked out of him, leaving a gaping hole in his being. Sam tries to vocalize something anything to his father, but he is unable to get his voice to work. John hasn’t reached acceptance yet, his head is spinning, he is still angry, but by now the anger has migrated from Dean to himself, the guilt is starting to show its ugly head, why didn’t he call or better yet why didn’t he meet up with Dean before? What was so important that made him ignore one of the only people he has left, arguably the only one who has ever stick around without having to, the only one who has ever forgiven anything he has ever done? Why did he forget about Dean? He knows the answer almost instantly and the guilt creeps faster. He didn’t call because he was too busy playing house with Kate and Adam, he was so happy to be somewhere that hasn’t been touched by the Mission, where he could achieve a state of happiness, even if it was built on a tower of lies, ready to burst at any given moment. And while he is being honest to himself, he can also recognize that the reason he hasn’t called his son is because he cant bear to look at him and seeing all the missing opportunities, to see a soldier of his own makings, to see his failures as a father reflected on his son, because the only promise he made after the war was to keep any children he had away from it and not only he didn’t keep his promise but he dragged both of his sons to the front line. He won the battle, but it seems like they lost the war, while he wasn’t looking.
The sound of the door interrupts both men trains of thought. A man dressed as a janitor enters the hospital room, pushing a cleaning car while eating a lollipop.
-Good evening, gentleman- he says- I thought visiting hours were over- a permanent grin attached to an otherwise normal face and for some reason John´s instincts tell him to stay on guard.
-Yeah- Sam responds after a minute of silence, with a raspy voice- The hospital made an exception- which is a polite way of saying that they couldn’t tear them apart of Dean´s room.
-So you arent the two psycos that made a ruckus on reception early on?- the janitor asks grinning, Sam shrugs non commitment, and the janitor murmurs- Seems too much trouble for a vegetable.
-Excuse me, would you like to say that again?- Sam asks enrage, and finally an emotion starts to swell on him- That is my brother you are talkin about, you inconsiderate bastard. How dare you?- Sam looks ready to burst and John is following closely, ready to rearrange the janitor stupid grin out of his face.
-How dare I?- the man asks sardonically- How dare you?- he counters- how dare you stand there almighty, trying to pretend to be the perfect picture of a grieving family, when you couldn’t give a damn about your brother, about your son?- At this point in the conversation, John´s alarms are ringing loudly, but it is Sam´s who answers.
-You don’t know anything. You don’t know my brother or our history- he responds
-And that is were you are wrong bucko, I do know your brother and I would say that even better than both of you combine- he answers in a voice that commands respect.
-Who are you? What are you?-John asks with no hesitation, because this being in front of him is clearly not human.
- I have been called a number of names through history, but you two can call me Loki- the being answers- And as to what I am, I am a trickster. To be more precise, I am The Trickster. And I would drop the holier that you attitude, afterall you won’t want me to get mad, well, madder.
-Why are you here? What do you want?- Sam asks, seeing his father apparently in loss of what to say-
-Why am I here?- he repeats- Would it shock you if I tell you that I just wanted to visit Dean-o over here- John scoffs, so the trickster backs down- Alright, you caught me, I have a reason to be here, well besides the first one. Initially, I wanted to plat a trick with you two, so you could get served your just desserts, but after thinking it and conversing with some of my… lets called them associates, I decided that I would come here and offer you a-once-in-a-lifetime-deal.
-What kind of deal?- Sam asks
-I will put you through a quest, for lack of a better name, if you manage to complete it, I would heal Dean for free.
-Bullshit- John scoffs- Nothing is ever free. What do you want?
-Honestly, I want you both to suffer, to understand what Dean has been trough and for you to realize how your actions culminated in this.
-Alright, look, Dean and I had a rough childhood, I know it already but…
-You, Samuel Winchester, know nothing, not even a fragment of what your brother has been through- Loki says coldly. Not wanting to enrage the being that could save Dean, John asks.
-What are your terms?
-If you both accept- Loki starts- I will transport you to Dean´s memories, the ones that made him who he is right now, both good and bad, they could be mostly good, they could be mostly bad, you could even have a different recollection of the fact, it doesn’t matter, you will have to watch everything exactly how it play out, no lies, no half-truths. And you can stop it at any time, but the moment any of you says enough, Dean dies.
-We will do it, how hard can it be- Sam tells Loki with a false sense of bravado, proving once and for all that he gets his impulses from John.
-Not so fast, you will not only watch these memories, you will relieve them as if you were Dean. By that, I mean that while you won’t get any physical damage, you will feel everything that Dean felt the moment the events past. So do you accept?- he asks with an air of finality in his voice. John´s mind seems to work at a fast pace, but for the life of him, he cant see the trick in the deal. How bad can it be?
-We accept- Sam and John say.
-Alright, then I wish you both luck. Remember the magic word- And with a snap of his finger, John and Sam drop unconscious and are transported out of the room.
-I hope they learn. Hang in there Dean-o- Gabriel says before disappearing.

Chapter Text

When John regains conscience, he is sitting in a comfy armchair. Regarding the room, he can see his son, still unconscious seating besides him in a similar chair. In front of them, there is a black screen that seems to cover the wall. John was kind of expecting to see a projector somewhere on the room, and he chides himself for not planning ahead.
Sam wakes up a few minutes later. He gives the room his father and him are in, a look over. He was expecting something different, a room of torture to be honest, but the room they are in seems awfully comfy and that somehow makes the experience even more chilling. Before any of them could say anything to the other, the Trickster appeared in the screen.

-Well, well, hello, boys. Glad to see you are awake- the being said- We will start soon. Like I told you before, I will show you some memories of Dean, all of them will be of important moments in his life, and you will feel everything Dean felt at the moment. If you look to your right in the wall, there is a big red button, cliché I know but necessary, the moment any of you feel like you had enough you can push it, of course, the moment you push the button, Dean´s life is forfeit. So without any further ado, lets watch our first memory- The Trickster finishes before the screen turns black.

The screen turns up again and this time the image of a house appears. Sam finds it familiar but cant quite place it, John, on the other hands, has to choked a sound, he would recognize the house everywhere, it is where they lived before… Before the fire, before the stuffs of nightmares turned out to be real, before Mary… he wonders briefly why the Trickster is showing them this, but suddenly movement catches his eyes. A young Dean is running across the grass, playing with the neighbors, two little girls of the names Susy and Holly, his son seems free in a way that he hadn’t seen in a while and he feels the happiness that his son felt at the moment. Sam finds the scene odd and the feeling more so, he founds the happiness Dean is feeling foreign, he doesn’t think he had ever seen his brother so carefree as he is right now. One of the girls says something that has his brother laughing and nodding enthusiastically and Sam cant help but feel a pang of jealousy on his chest, how can this two girls make his brother so happy? Looking away from the scene, his heart skips a beat, he can see his young parents sitting in the porch of the house, talking with what he supposes are the parents of the girls, they look so young, his mother is clearly pregnant with him and she is glowing. John is mesmerized by Mary, she seems so beautiful and ethereal, he is honestly fascinated by the whole image, it seems like a dream far away of memories long forgotten; a noise suddenly catches his attention, one of the girls (Holly, if he remembers correctly) tackles his son to the ground, apparently the kid pulled one of her pigtails and she retaliated, Dean´s feelings change slightly to surprise but the happy undertones are still there. The adults of the memory start to go separate the kids, but before they even get up, his son stops the fight by apologizing to Holly, which seems to be enough for the three kids to forgive themselves and keep playing. The John of the picture laughs, but the John of the present feels something hollow on his chest, oh how he wishes things would still be so simple.

The memory changes abruptly. Suddenly the screen shows them a room, a tired Mary is sleeping in the middle of the bed and a young John is sleeping next to her. Sam and John see as a little Dean, carrying a small blanket, peers trough the crack of the door before he continues walking down the hall and entering another room that they soon recognize as a nursery. In the middle of the room, there is a wooden crib that Dean approaches silently. The feelings of reverence hit them before the words of little Dean does:
-Hi, Sammy- he says- I am your big brother Dean. Mommy says you are still to young to play and I must be careful with you and that you still don’t understand when I talk to you but I think you do. Matt from my class says that baby are stupid, but he is the one that is stupid, I think you are pretty cool. Susy says I must be careful, because if I am not mommy and daddy would forget about me, but Holly called her a moron and socked her on the shoulder. Please don’t tell anyone I say that, I promise Holly I wouldn’t. She told me, she doesn’t like babies but she thinks you will be rad when you grow up. I think you are perfect as you are. Daddy says that cuz you are little I must protect you, and I will, I want you to know Sammy that I will always protect you, and take care of you, I will even check under the bed and inside the closet for monsters, Dad says they are not real, but I don’t buy it. Mommy says angels are looking over us, but just in case yours gets distracted, I will protect you, I promise. Night, night, Sammy- Dean finishes before walking out of the room. Meanwhile, Sam is watching speechless, something is blocking his chest, his oldest brother has always looked out for him, even before he could comprehend what was going on, a sense of shame blooms in his chest, a shame he doesn’t know where it is coming from (he is still lying to himself). John is watching the scene with a sense of nostalgic and sadness, he remembers how Dean would not go to sleep before Sammy did, he never even once suspected that his oldest son took his words to the heart even back then, Deans feelings of reverence stay long after the scene fades.

The scene that starts is nowhere near as peaceful as the ones before where. This scene has Dean hiding in the closet of his room with a bundle of blankets in his arms, closest inspection show that the bundle is actually little Sammy. John and Sam start to feel distressed and anxious, it doesn’t take long to them to place that the feeling is emanating from Dean. Screams can be heard coming from down the stairs, and Sam understand snippets of the conversation, seems as his parents are going at each other, discussion ranging from who did the dishes to whether dad is doing way too many long shifts and whether mom should just let Dean decide what to wear, bullies be damned. Sam doesn’t quite understand what is happening, wasn’t his parents’ marriage perfect? John remembers the fights quite well and dread fills his chest. He always thought Dean hadn’t listened to them fighting, in hindsight, he should have given Dean more credit, he has always been quite perspective. John, unlike his son, remembers quite well what the fights were about, he always paints his marriage with Mary as perfect but the truth is far from it, both of them had their virtues and their flaws that would overlap and create problems and they were too stubborn to try to fix them before they grew into something ugly. He remembers what sparked this particular problem. Mary and John had gone to Dean´s school a few days back, because some older kids were bullying his son, apparently they were calling him names because Dean had taking a liking to some shirts that were deem too girly, he is ashamed to say they perhaps didn’t take the best stance, because the suggestion that both they and the faculty gave Dean was to change his way of dressing, Dean only nodded somehow less sad that John thought he would be, they would later found out, after the bullying didn’t stop and Susy snitched, that Dean gave some shirts to Holly to safe keep and she would bring them inside her backpack to school where Dean would promptly change in the bathroom, somehow that enraged Mary and she tried to make Dean stop wearing those shirts, John somehow thought the whole thing was stupid and to let Dean resolve his own problems, that caused an even bigger rift to the already shaky balance in the Winchester household, not helped by the fact that John had been working more shifts to provide to his family and when Mary offered to look for a work to help the finances, he for some reasons took it as a personal insult and a jab to his inability to earn more money, so he started taking even longer shifts and even when he wasn’t working he would get to their house late, having been driving around the city without a path in mind. In retrospect, those issues had little to not importance. Upstairs, Dean is crying and shushing little Sammy, asking him softly to stop crying, the heart of those watching break a little at the scene. The screams downstairs suddenly stop and the sound of a door opening and closing shakes the whole house. Dean puts his little brother into bed and quietly climbs down stairs, Mary is standing in the kitchen, eyes watery and red from crying, she gives him a small smile that looks more like a grimace and Dean runs to hug his mom, repeating the phrase “Everything will be okay, momma”, over and over again. A feeling of shame, sorrow and guilt coming from Dean invades both viewers and that somehow makes the scene even worse.

The scene fades and another memory starts. This time Dean can be seen in the middle of the kitchen helping Mary and John is setting the table. A cold feeling invades John, he knows what this day is, it is the last day of their old life, before the fire, they are making a cake for Sammy´s six months birthday, he wonders if Mary had a hunch of what was going to happened and that is why she insisted on having a little celebration. The feelings coming from Dean are of happiness, calmness even pride as they sit at the table and eat pie. Sam watches his family having what he knows now it would be the last dinner in that table and he wonders how thing can possibly change so far. The memory abruptly stops and both, John and Sam, hold their breath preparing for what is about to come.

Chapter Text

Fear. Pure unadulterated fear. That it is the first thing John and Sam feel before the screen starts to play the next scene. A scream can be heard, a scream that John recognizes as Mary´s. The screen shows Dean quietly coming out of his room, before John shoves Sam into his arms and tells him to run. Sam´s eyes can´t quite comprehend what they are seeing, he empirically knew what happened that terrible night, but somehow his mind could never have imagined the reality of the nightmare his family lived. His breath gets caught in his throat seeing a young Dean running and carrying him outside, his big brother seems so little; Sam, as an adult, can only see a baby carrying another baby, his brain barely registers Dean´s feeling until his brother stands outside of the house watching it burn, it is only then when a wave of feelings submerges him and he feels the fear, the anxiety, the horror and the confusion his brother felt because mom should be right behind them right? John´s head feels like it is about to explode, living and remembering the scene was painful as it was, but watching it from his oldest perspective is a new kind of hell, the fear he feels coming from his son would be enough to paralyze a grown man, hell, while his son was running outside saving himself and Sammy, John was too busy being frozen in terror inside of the house and almost getting himself killed, and, yet, Dean somehow powers through, Dean may not have understood what was happening, but even then his oldest manages to protect his family better than John could.
The screen flash-forward to what seems to be half an hour later and it now shows a baby Sam being carried by his father with Dean by their side sitting in a patrol car watching the remainings of their old life burning away. The only thing the Winchester´s can feel is cold numbness, there is nothing to be said as a family of four, suddenly turns into a family of three.

The screen changes the memory and they are now inside of a motel room. Sam finds the place somehow strange, this motel room seems different to the ones they lived while he was growing up, it looks more clean and comfy, well clean if you don’t count the bottles of beer and alcohol scatter on the floor, he doesn’t know how much time must have happened but he figures the room must be costing them a pretty penny. John feels shame seeing the state of the room and himself, damn his pride and stubbornness for not letting him accept help. In the room, they can see a young John sitting in front of the table in the small kitchenette, a bottle of rum dangling from his fingers. A crying baby can be heard in the otherwise quiet room, but John makes no move to go calm Sam down, they notice as Dean quietly approaching the table, footsteps hesitant as he approaches his drunk father, his little hand tugs at John´s sleeve trying to get his attention, feeling of desperation and anxiety clouding his actions, he continues the action making little noises and signs that Sam and John can translate as a “Please, dad, Sammy is crying”. The John in the screen brushes his son aside, but Dean doesn’t let that deter him, he continues to tug and signal until John abruptly stands up almost knocking his oldest down as he goes.
- Stop it already. If Sammy´s crying is bothering you so much, why don’t you do something about it before I decided to go there myself with a pillow? -John screams- If your mother was here… Why don’t you do something useful and you take care of your brother? I am going out- John finishes before pushing past Dean and out of the motel room.
Sentiments of desperation, sadness, feat and horror invade the room, and not all of them are coming from the young Dean half-laying frozen in the middle of the motel room. John for the life of him can´t remember when did this happened, he wants to trash the room, find the Trickster and make him take back the obviously fake memory, but is it really fake?, because truth to be told, John doesn’t actually remember much of the 3 months’ after Mary died and before he found out about the supernatural, he wants to blame it on something taking over his body, but sadly the only thing taking his body is the alcohol, Mary always did say he was an angry drunk, but knowing and seeing it are two different things, and he can’t help but feel ashamed and scared, because this is not the only time he was drunk in front of his kids, and if this is an example of what he has said when he is drunk then what else could he have possibly told Dean while on the influence, and he can be certain the words had only been directed at Dean, because Sam would have never let it go and Dean would have never let him start in the first place. Fuck, what kind of monster does his eldest sees him as?
Sam, on the other hand, feels rooted in his place, wtf just happened? how could his dad just say what he said? Did he just threaten his kids? What in the world is happening? His father never once lifted a hand outside of training towards his sons or did he? Because he obviously just pushed and threw Dean aside as if he was nothing. Cold dread invades Sam. Had dad hit Dean while drunk? Had he been too blind and too self-centered to notice? The memories are still showing a 4-year-old kid and his brother is now 26, what else has happened? He has the urge to deck his father and to break his nose, but he takes a deep breath and chooses not to, the viewing is hard enough as it is and they can´t afford to be anything but a united fort.
The kid on the screen gets up after what seems like an eternity, he washes his hands and sticks his hand inside the fridge, getting a bottle of milk, he grabs a pan from the dishwasher and pours the milk in, just like his momma did a lifetime ago, he waits until the milk is hot enough before removing the pan of the stove. John and Sam feel the pain of a burn on their left hands, but Dean barely flinches, the kid is possessed as man on a mission. Dean pours the milk in the bottle and goes to where Sam is. Baby Sammy is still crying but he slightly quiets down as Dean approaches, Dean puts the bottle besides him as he sits down before carrying Sam and feeding him.
-Don’t worry, Sammy. Don’t cry, please. Daddy is just sad, but he loves us and momma is watching over us. I will protect you of anything- Dean says with a hoarse voice of disuse, as tears starts spilling from his eyes and he starts to hum what seems like “Hey, Jude”
Both Sam and John cry too. Sam, because he is starting to understand that Dean always looked out for him, even when he didn’t deserve it. John, because he realizes he has been putting way too much into Dean´s shoulders for a longer time than even he has realized. And, both of them mourn as Dean loses his childhood.

Chapter Text

A new memory starts to play in the screen before the tears stopped in the men faces. It is showing what seems like a sitting room, and it takes Sam and John a moment to recognize it as Missouri´s. On the screen, they can hear Missouri´s voice explaining everything she knows about the supernatural and they can see her sitting on the couch with a young grieving John, Dean is sitting close by on the stairs rocking a baby Sammy to sleep. The emotions are all over the place, the Winchesters can feel a wave of fear emanating from Dean, but an even stronger wave of protectiveness. Dean´s tiny hands are clutching Sam´s body tight, ready to defend him against anything. Sam doesn’t know how to name what he is feeling, if he is honest with himself, he is beginning to feel ashamed of himself, he always took Dean´s protectiveness for granted in the best days and as an annoyance in the worst, but after seeing this, how could he blamed him for it? It is obvious to him that Dean has been taking care of him even before Sam learned how to walked and instead of thanking him, Sam had all but spit on his brother face.
John finds the whole experience surreal to be honest, watching memories from a different point of view certainly put things in perspective, and he doesn’t like where that perspective is taking him. He had always known his parenting skills were lacking to say the least, hell, half the people he knew had told him that same thing over the years (and a couple of swears words if you are Bobby Singer), but he always brushed them off by saying he did the best he could after all his sons turned out alright. But he is starting to realize that maybe they turned out well despite their father instead of because of him.
On the screen, Missouri stands up leaving John sorting through newspapers and books, while Dean nods off where he is sitting. Missouri approaches the young boy with a blanket and a sad smile on her face:
-Oh sweet boy, you are going to grow up to be great and your legacy will be even greater, but your fate is the one of a hero- she says with a soft voice- You will have to face great obstacles, but I promised you this, they may be able to bend you but they won´t break you. You will be the best, I hope your father and brother are able to see it- “No, they weren’t” is the thought that remains in their minds long after the scene finishes.

The screen changes to a familiar place. John and Sam watch John and Dean standing outside of a church with a man they recognize as Pastor Jim, little Sam sitting in the grass a few steps behind. Nostalgic invades both men, it has been to long since they had stepped a foot inside of that church in Minnesota. John is also slightly confused, he doesn’t understand why this memory is important to his son, he can´t remember anything of importance happening, but he figures he will find out soon enough. The emotions seem to be neutral at the moment and frankly, he is relieved, he will take any respite he can get. The nostalgia is hitting him hard, watching his old friend. He wonders what the old pastor would have to say about this situation if he was still alive, he doesn’t need to think too much about it, he is sure he will be one friend short and probably with a broken nose. Sam, on the other hand, enjoys the calm with a hint of sadness. He wishes he could turn back time to simpler days, he ponders if he would still be able to cross the threshold of the old church, after all he was (is?) tainted by demon blood, was Pastor Jim aware of any of this? He supposes it doesn’t truly matter but sometimes he wonders if he would have been treated differently had he known.
Noise startles both men out of their inner conflicts. A laugh is heard, as well as what seems to be encouraging noises coming from Dean, and both men admire how a baby Sammy stands in shaky legs and with little steps starts heading towards Dean, Dean meets Sammy half way, scooping him into his little arms and spinning him around, while Sammy gives a little happy shrill and the world seems to fade around them. Sam and John are hit with a feel of pride and with a happiness so strong that they spill a couple of tears because of it. There is something to be said, John thinks, of the fact that his oldest son remember this memory better than himself, and Dean deserves the pride he is feeling, he remembers the memory now, he remembers being busy inside his own world, he remembers a small feeling of excitement when Sammy first started walking mixed with a side of jealousy when his son started heading towards Dean, but if this is what Dean felt, what right does he have to be jealous of something of his own making. Sam, the adult version, is crying, he doesn’t even bother to hide it, this is one of his brother best memories? The brother he felt ashamed of, the one he hid when he was in Stanford, the one he threw aside at the first opportunity he had and his brother still considers this one of his best memories? The happiness his brother is feeling washes over him and he bows to so better, please let him have a chance to do better.

The scenery changes once again, this time showing a familiar and comforting sight to both Winchesters, John because he figures Bobby´s house wasn’t attached to any terrible memory and Sam because Bobby´s is the closest thing to a house any of the Winchester had growing up. The memory shows a young Dean playing with Sam and what looks to be the green army soldiers the boys loved growing up, John and Bobby are standing to the side discussing something or another with a bottle of whisky passing between them. Dean seems to be calm and content and both John and Sam enjoy the reprise while they can. The memory flash-forwards what seems like a couple of hours, Bobby´s house completely engulf by darkness, except for a small light shining in Bobby´s studio. John and Sam try to adapt their eyes to see what Dean´s doing, but there is no need, because suddenly the light switch goes on startling the poor kid (and the watchers) badly. Once their eyes get accustomed to the light, they see Bobby approaching Dean, who is trying to accommodate the books that are surrounding him:
-What are you doing up, kid? -Bobby asks with a gruff voice.
-Nothing, sir. I just couldn’t sleep –Dean responds after a while, with a trembling voice
-This doesn’t seem like nothing, boy –he responds picking an old tome- This is a little to mature to you don’t you think?
-I was doing a small reading, sir
-You shouldn’t be reading this kid, you aint old enough- Bobby says with a soft voice
-But I have to read it
-Why? Did your daddy put you up to this? Bobby exclaims
-No, sir. I just want to figure out how to protect Sammy and dad better –Dean exclaims with conviction
-This isn’t your fight kid, you don’t need to know this stuff.
-I am sorry sir, didn’t meet to grab your stuff –Dean says crestfallen
-Its not the stuff I am worry about –Bobby responds- Tell you what, why don’t you go to bed tonight and tomorrow after your daddy and I have a talk, I will give you one of my beginners books. But tonight off to bed you go, so get
- Thank you, sir –Dean says with a big smile, pleased feelings emanating out of him, before he takes off towards the stairs, he pauses one moment and returns to hug a startled Bobby, before dashing up towards his room.
John and Sam are startled as well, even if for different reasons. Sam seems shocked to see his brother hugging Bobby willingly, it is being so long since Dean ever initiate a hug for no apparent reason, other that because he was happy, actually thinking it through he doesn’t remember a time where his brother had ever showed such affection, barring life or death situations, he wonders what had happened to that little boy so full of life, he figures he is going to find out soon enough and he doesn’t whether to feel relief or dread about it. John, on the other hand, feels a pang of jealousy, he can’t remember the last time his son showed such emotion around him, as the matter of fact he remembers a different quieter Dean when he was on his presence. Realization hits his stomach like lead, in his grieve, he had forgotten about Dean and his feelings, he had tried to mold his beautiful compassionate boy into a stoic soldier and he is starting to see the results. Bobby had showed Dean more affection in one night that John in almost 10 months since the fire, and regret starts to fill him up, because John knows that come morning, he will take pride in Dean wanting to learn about hunting, and he will ignore Bobby´s warnings about the subject. Sam may not know it, but they are watching the beginning of the end, and John can do nothing to change it.

Chapter Text

The screen starts again and this time the scene shows John packing up a bag, Sammy is sitting in a sofa nearby watching cartoons while Dean seems to be inspecting a couple of books and photos that scattered all over the table. Present John´s blood runs cold, he would recognize this motel room in his dreams, more like nightmares, without much context he knows what this memory is about, it doesn’t take a genius to know why Dean feels like this is one of his worst memories, he wants to console himself by saying he wasn’t too tough on Dean, but deep down he knows the memory will prove him wrong and he can only brace himself for what is about to come. Sam, on the other hand, has his suspicions, suspicions that are confirmed by the photo he sees on the table, it looks like the handprint they found in the Shtriga attacks and he stares at the screen in anticipation, Dean told him almost two years ago about what happened back then, but he wants to see it for himself, he thinks that he might just figure another piece on the puzzle that is Dean, a part of himself thinks that Dean was exaggerating back then, but he figures he will know soon enough.
On the screen, the young John is giving Dean instructions about what he must and mustn’t do and while Dean´s face seems uninterested, his feelings betrayed him to the two people watching and feeling the memory. True, there are some feelings of exasperation, proper from a kid of Dean´s age, but there are bigger feelings of protectiveness and loyalty washing over John and Sam. Back then, John thought Dean wasn’t taking the situation seriously enough, but he is soon learning that even back then Dean wore more masks than he could even began to understand. The situation hits Sam like a bullet, back then he didn’t see anything wrong in his brother taking care of him, but know, with more years on his shoulders, he is seeing the reality of their situation, Dean is only 9 years old in the memory and Sam is almost 5, if an intruder, whether supernatural or human, where to enter that motel room, there is little to nothing Dean could have possibly done to save himself and his brother. A cold feeling is settling on Sam´s stomach and he suddenly doesn’t find the situation amusing.

Inside the memory, John finally leaves the room and time seems to speed up, until finally it stops at a scene where Dean is serving Sammy his dinner. Sammy seems to be questioning Dean about when their dad is going to be home, Dean´s annoyance is palpable, but both men can fell the hint of worry and fear Dean is hiding under. It doesn’t take much for John to figure out why his son is worrying, he remembers clearly he told Dean the hunt would only take two days max, needless to say that didn’t happen and back then Dean still believed John when he said that he would be home at a certain time. While John berates himself, Sam´s brain is telling him there is something wrong with this scene, he is just not sure what it is, the scene is lacking something, it is almost like that feeling one gets when a piece of furniture is move an inch out of his normal place, he tries to shrugged the feeling as he continues watching.
At the table Sammy is complaining to Dean, asking for Lucky Charms instead of Spaguettios. Both adults feel a hole on their stomachs, actually that hole had been there since this scene started but they are only now realizing. Dean seems to be feeling dread as he stands his ground saying he wants the last bowl of Lucky Charms, but Sammy throws him a puppy look and Dean caves, throwing Sam´s bowl inside the trashcan and then serving Sammy the last of their Lucky Charms. Sammy gives Dean the prize on the box and proceeds to eat his cereal happily without a care in the world, while Dean watches longing. Present Sam is feeling like crap at the scene, how long has it been since Dean said he wanted something for himself? How long has his older brother been putting Sam´s wants and needs before his own? How long will it take after this moment for Dean to stop asking for things? John is rooted in his spot, he wants to be angry at Sam for this, but Sam was only a child, scratch that, both his sons were only children and after all didn’t he tell Dean that he was to look out for Sam?
On the screen, Sammy finishes his cereal and proceeds to make his nighttime routine before Dean tucks him on bed. Dean makes sure his brother is already sleep before making his way to the kitchen. What happens next, makes John and Sam almost lose their lunches. Dean appears to be washing the plates on the sink, but a closer look makes them realize that that is not what is happening. Dean is cleaning Sam´s bowl by eating what little Sammy left in his plate and drinking lots of water, when that doesn’t seem to calm the hole in his stomach, he, with hesitation, puts a hand inside the trashcan scooping a handful of Spaguettios before munching on them until his hunger is satisfied. Horror invades Sam and John as they watch. Sam thinks he is going to be sick, he is a step short of vomiting, did Dean really just eat out of the trashcan? Sam´s brain suddenly comes to a stop and he finally realizes what was wrong with the scene at the kitchen, what was wrong was that while his youngest self was sitting eating happily Dean was just looking at him. His stomach revolts when he realizes why the scene wasn’t strange enough for him to notice what was wrong at first glance, looking back into his memories he has to search hard to remember how many times Dean didn’t eat citing he wasn’t hungry when they were alone in motel rooms, did Dean starve just so he could eat? He losses the fight with his stomach after this thought in a bag that is conveniently close to his seat (an also resembles the bag inside the motel room). John is frozen, he vaguely notices that Sam is emptying his stomach nearby, but he can’t seem to make his body move to go see what is wrong, he never thought that his son would be eating out of the trashcan just because his father was incapable of leaving enough food for his growing boys. That can’t be right, his defenses claim, it is Dean´s fault, he shouldn’t have thrown their food in the trash, but John shut that thought quickly, it wasn’t Dean´s job to ration food just so his brother could eat and how could have Dean had possibly known his father was not going to be home when he told him he was going to be? A cold realization settles on John´s stomach, these won’t be the last time his oldest goes hungry because of his father inability to keep a promise. Only years on the Corps and hunting nasty things, prevents him from joining Sam, but his stomach feels like lead, and the main memory of this hunt hadn’t even started.

The screen flash-forwards a couple of hours, showing a restless Dean that seems to be crawling out of his own skin, his anxiety palpable in the air. The clock nearby reads 9:00 pm and Sam wonders why Dean is still up. John figures it out quickly, and proceeds to wish he didn’t, when he told Dean to look out for Sammy, he never once intended for his oldest to lose sleep performing this task, but then again if something had happened to Sam while Dean was sleeping would John still be making the same argument? He knows the answer before he even finishes the question and his stomach revolves.
Something happens on the screen that pulls John and Sam attention towards it. In the memory, Dean has shoved his hands inside the sofa and found a couple of coins. Dean looks at them as if they were a precious gift but there is also some uncertainty in his face, he paces a few times, looking at something outside with longing, he seems to come to a decision after much deliberation as he checks that the lines of salt are correctly made and that Sam is safely tucked. He grabs the keys of the room, trying to not make a lot of noise and heads towards the motel office, where his feet drag him first to a vending machine and then towards an old arcade machine. John is conflicted about this, on one hand he wants to scream and berate Dean for a different reason that he did the first time this happened, that money should have been spent on food not in kids’ games, on the other hand isn’t that what Dean is? Isn’t he just a kid? A kid that should not be old enough to stay in a strange location locked with his brother, with little to no ways to entertain himself and even less food. Sam is talking in the almost relax air that Dean exudes even if it is tinted with worry, he is starting to realize that even though he is the one always complaining about how they grew up, he never went hungry, he never lacked of anything essential or even things that he wanted, sure, he never had expensive stuff, but Dean made sure to preserve Sam´s childhood for as long as he could, he is getting a wakeup call but it may already be too late.

The clock in the wall of the motel office speeds up, until it reads 9:30, a man tells Dean he is closing, so he finishes the game before rushing back to their room. Dean enters the room and immediately he gets on guard, he (and by extend Sam and John) can feel something is wrong, even if they don’t know what exactly is wrong. Dean sees the door of the room and realizes it shouldn’t be close, he takes a short breath before grabbing the shot gun and slowly opening the door. A creature is above Sammy and Dean hands tremble; terror is rooted inside him as he prepares to take a shot, but before that happens John is inside the room shooting the creature and scaring it away. For a moment, while John is hugging Sammy, Dean is relieved, at least until John glares at Dean asking him what happened, then the terror comes back with double intensity. Dean starts stumbling over words and apologizes, that John cuts off quickly, he screams at Dean that he has 10 minutes to pack up or he will leave him behind, before grabbing Sam and heading to the car. Dean is crying by now while he rushes over to pack everything, he gets in the Impala a few seconds before the time is up, carrying backpacks with difficulty and he is sure that his dad would have left him there if he hadn’t made it in time, he climbs into the backseat quietly before the Impala rushes off the motel. Sam is frozen in his spot, he thought his dad was unfairly tough with him, but seeing this, watching the screen where a livid John is altering between being livid and glaring Dean into silence, he feels terrible for even thinking Dean had it better; the guilt Dean is feeling is pungent and it threatens to drown Sam under it, Sam is full on crying by now and he doesn’t think he can stop.
John is horrified, as the matter of fact horrified doesn’t even begin to cover what he is feeling, the fact that his son was more terrified of his father reaction that of a literally soul eating creature says a lot about how he treated Dean. The worst part in this situation is that not a single moment of this is Dean´s fault, even if he had stayed inside the room there is nothing he could have possibly done to stop the Shtriga, the gun was useless against the creature, the only thing that may have accomplished would have been that it would have feasted on two souls instead of one. He is livid with himself, he should have never put his children in that situation in the first place, who the hell takes his two young children on a hunt where children are dying and leaves them alone for crying aloud? Hindsight is 20/20, but honestly he should have known better. Dean´s guilt makes John feel even worse, he is starting to understand where Dean got all this self-hate that drove him to overdose and drown in a motel bathroom and if wants to find the cause he only has to look into a mirror.

The car stops in front of a church the Winchester know by memory and John orders Dean to take the bags and get out of the car. John gets out of the car himself carrying Sammy, while Dean struggles carrying their luggage. Pastor Jim opens the door and makes a motion to help Dean with the bags, without looking back, John grabs the bags and orders Dean to leave his sight until further notice. Pastor Jim glares at John and with a soft voice tells Dean to go inside the church, which, with a quick glare from John, he does. To John and Sam, the church always felt comforting, they always found solace inside, Sam never once understood why Dean preferred Bobby´s house over Uncle Jim´s, but now seeing the memory the warm both present Winchester felt is missing of the memory, in its place is cold regret and guilt. The church, to Dean, feels intimidating as he walks down the center aisle, he looks like a man awaiting the death sentence, the fear clouds the room until it gives way to numbness. Dean stops and gets to his knees, before talking with sad words tinted with anger:
- Uncle Jim is always talking about how there is a bigger plan for all of us, but that is a lie, isn’t it? I don’t know if you are real or not. But if you are real then you sure as hell don’t give a crap about me or my family, no one is protecting us, otherwise you would have save mom, dad wouldn’t be so sad all the time, and Sammy and I would have a happy family. Mom always said angels were watching over us, but that is not truth is it? If you are watching over, why don’t you come here and explain why do bad things keep happening to us? Why don’t you come here and protect us of the supernatural, of the people, of the hunger? I will do you one better, why don’t you do a switch, me instead of mom, then maybe then Sammy, dad and mom would have a nice family without a useless fuck-up like me?- Dean sobs, before yelling- Why don’t you answer me, damn it?- Cleaning his tears, he continues, this time with a dead voice- You don’t answer me, because you are not real, there is no such thing as angels and if by any chance they exist, they already gave up on me.
Dean finishes his sentence and heads towards the backroom of the church is, leaving silence in his wake. The room where John and Sam are watching is equally silence, no words can be say after this, because, as both crying men understand, no words will ever be enough to undo the damage they had already done.

Chapter Text

Silence is filing the room, but what can John and Sam possibly said after what they just saw? How long has Dean been feeling worthless and inadequate for his family before his intent of suicide? John is praying for the next memories to be good ones, after all his oldest must have some good memories going on right? Sam is feeling sick the longest they keep watching, he is bracing himself for the next set of images, he can’t believe all of this happened without his knowledge, he always prided himself of knowing his brother from head to toes, but that notion is being quickly being dissuaded leaving only a bitter taste on his wake.

The screen lights up again, this time it shows a slightly older Dean buying groceries on a mall. At first glance, it seems like a normal everyday task with nothing exceptional happening; of course at this point into the journey, John and Sam know better. The feelings Dean is projecting are a dead giveaway that the memory is not exactly a good one; both Winchester can feel apprehension and nervousness coming out of Dean while he is picking the groceries, his right hand is trembling badly as he is grabbing the things out of the shelves, some he throws inside the basket he is holding, others he seems to examine for a long time before putting them back in the shelves. The action seems mundane, but a quick glance at his son tells John what he needs to know, his suspicious are confirmed when Dean arrives at the register. Dean puts the object down, while the cashier rings the total, the reason seems obvious now, Dean had been making a mental math to have enough to pay for the groceries. Sam´s brain can´t help but notice that all of the things his brother bought are basic brandless stuff, he remembers being pissed at this when he was younger, back then he wanted variety, but now he is finally seeing what it is in front of him, his brother was only buying what they could afford, moreover a much detailed glance shows that the objects are mostly Sam favorite foods growing up, save for one bottle of Dean´s preferred beverage at the time, there is nothing there for his brother and Sam can’t help but feel worse, he is hoping this memory doesn’t show him berating his brother for something out of his control, but in retrospect he did it enough times while they were young that this possibility is strong, over the years he has told Dean things he only now regrets, he promises to himself he will apologize to Dean when his brother wakes up and he will spend the rest of his life making it up to him (a part of his brain whispers “if Dean wakes up”)
On the screen, the scene speeds up until it shows Dean entering a motel room while clutching a paper bag with his purchases, Sammy is sitting on a bed watching him, Dean immediately tenses up, it looks like the young Sam is getting ready to start a fight with his brother and that is exactly what happens. John and Sam watch as Sammy starts to question Dean about their dad work, Dean getting more defensive after every question until Sammy takes out John´s journal from below his mattress. Dean´s emotions are all over the place and they give Sam and John whiplash, Dean seems to go through all five stages of grief before finally admitting the truth about the hunt, he finishes his speech with telling Sammy “Don’t worry Sammy, dad and I will protect you” before tucking his brother in for the night. The air of defeat hangs heavy on the room and Sam has the sudden urge to hide, he never thought his brother would take his questioning like this, at the time he was super pride of himself for being able to figure out the truth, hell, he felt superior to Dean, obviously he was smarter than his oldest brother, now seeing it from Dean´s perspective his stomach revolves at what happened. He had practically assault his brother with questions, never considering that maybe his brother had a reason for not wanting to let Sam into the secret, obviously Dean wanted to protect Sam´s childhood for a while longer, in retrospect he wishes he would have never said anything at all.
“Don’t worry Sammy, dad and I will protect you” This sentence gets stuck into John´s brain, “dad and I will protect you”, but then who protected Dean? Because Dean was only a kid, a kid that just like his brother deserved someone to protect him. Neither Sam nor Dean deserved to have their childhood ripped out of them because of the hunt, but Sam at least got 8 years, which is four years longer that Dean ever got. He wonders how long more would Dean have kept the secret if Sam hadn’t figured out for himself. And there is no question that Sam getting what little childhood he got is thanks to Dean, John can admit if only to himself that Dean was the one that raised Sam after Mary´s death, doing John´s work for him. The feelings are threatening to swallow John and not for the first time since the viewing started, he mourns for what should have been.

The screen changes imagery, but before it starts, a box appears in front of John and Sam, John opens it hesitantly and pulls two boxes of tissues and two empty paper bags out of it. He gives one of each to Sam. It doesn’t take a genius to understand that there is nothing happy about next memory, and they braced for the impact as it starts. On the screen, Dean is sitting outside of their motel room, head between his hands. The feelings of despair and desperation overwhelming him (and the viewers). Something is obviously wrong and John and Sam are going to figure it out quickly enough. A man approaches Dean, he looks like the motel manager, but for some reason he raises all of the alarms on John´s brain, he doesn’t like the way he is looking at his son and he wants to tell Dean to run, but he stays rooted in his spot as the man starts to speak to his son:
-So, do you have my money kid?- the man says nastily
-Sir- Dean answers- My dad won’t take long to come back, he will pay you in full when he arrives, please, just give us a little time- he pleads
-Kid, either you pay me or you and your brother can scram. I am running a business not a charity. I doubt that daddy of yours even exists, you are three days behind already. Maybe I should just call CPS- the man tells an already hysteric Dean.
-Sir, please, there must be something I can do, I can help you with the cleaning or I know a little of cars, please, don’t throw us out or call CPS, it is almost Christmas- Dean pleads, the manager eyes glint dangerously after hearing the desperation in Dean´s voice.
-Well, there may be something you can do. How about this, you help me with something in the office and I will let you and your brother stay. A favor for a favor- he says, and this time there is no mistaking the leer look.
-Of course, sir, thank you- Dean says relieved before following the manager to the office.
Sam is hoping against all odds that this is not what he thinks it is, he would have noticed right? If someone had… well he would have known, it is not like it is something Dean could have hidden. The paper bag is looking more inviting every minute that goes by. John is speechless and horrified, he is certain that this cant be happening, Dean would have told him if that would have happened, his son would have never hidden something like that, except, his brain reminds him, more than once he arrived later than he had paid for to find his debt settle, one (and the only) time he asked Dean, his son told him he had made arrangements doing jobs with the manager, but he never once asked what those jobs entailed. He is wrong, obviously, maybe the man would make him clean or be a receptionist, yeah, his brain replies, and maybe pigs fly.

The screen shows a small non-descript office, with orange painted walls, the same shade Sam realizes that his brother always hated. The manager offers something to drink to Dean but he declines, before he asks him what the job was. The man points at a table and asks Dean to reorganize the papers above it. There is confusion in Dean´s memories, before he shrugs and starts with his task. The look the manager gives Dean while sipping at his beer reminds John of a hunter watching his prey. The emotions Dean feels come to a halt when he realizes what the magazines he is organizing are about, he gets aware of the danger he is in too late. The manager had already crossed the little space between them, and while he grabs him forcefully he says with a husky voice.
-You know, I have been watching you and your brother for a while, all alone in that room- he says while his hands traveled along Dean´s abdomen. Dean is moving, trashing against his captor, but the man is stronger than his still young body- To be honest, your brother is a little more to my taste, but I thought you would be easier.
-Please, don’t hurt my brother- Dean pleads, while still trying to get away.
-If you keep fighting, I will- And then it is like the strings are cut from Dean, he becomes pliable and lets the man put a hand inside his pants. There are feelings of shame and disgust and fear, as the man keeps manhandling Dean. The only noises that can be heard are Deans sobs and the man disgusting moans, before he abruptly takes his hands off Dean, who promptly falls to the floor- Here is what is going to happen- the man says as he lowers his pants and underwear- you are going to come here, suck me and swallow everything I give you, and I will forgive your debts until today, of course for every day your daddy doesn’t show up, you will have to come back and do it again. Or, you stop playing nice, I knock you unconscious, go visit your brother and after I call CPS to report you, well maybe I will keep your brother. So what is going to be?- Dean brokenly approaches the man, before falling to his knees and pulling the member inside his mouth.
That it is the exact moment that Sam loses his stomach violently. Please, this must be a joke, let this be a joke, Sam thinks or maybe he is screaming, he is not sure, he starts chocking in thin air, until he realizes that that is what Dean is feeling, he is crying, he is not sure if he is crying because he is feeling the shame, fear and terror Dean is feeling, because he is chocking in an invisible object or because of his own feelings. Everything is spinning, except for the screen, even in the worst case scenarios he had considered before accepting the deal, this wasn’t even a possibility, his big brother, only four years older than him lived through hell, without his family knowing, how can Dean still love him after everything that he sacrificed for him? He pukes violently again what little is left inside his stomach
John is on the verge of a panic attack. This cant be happening. It must be a trick, it has to be, his son, his selfless, sensible son, his rock, cant have lived through this. Damn, this is too much, how could he have failed so much as a parent that his kid got sexually abused and he didn’t even try to tell his dad? Was he that unapproachable that his son didn’t even think to tell him. Fuck, he wants to find this bastard and salt and burn him alive, what kind of creep does this to a child? He starts chocking along his son, and just like Sam he loses his lunch. He cant breath, he is watching his son being defiled and the only thing he can do is stare with tears in his eyes, as his son is forced to perform oral sex to a pervert of his father age.
The man finishes and tucks himself in, he lifts Dean calmly and directs him to the door, he mockingly praises him and reminds him of their deal, before leaving a broken crying Dean standing in the empty parking lot.

Sam and John barely have time to react further before the scene abruptly changes. Dean is being directed towards the exit of the office, dead eyes looking nowhere and everywhere, the only thing they can feel is cold as the outside air hits Dean in the face. It is not the same day that last memory, John thinks which makes him feel even worse, there is no fight left in Dean, how could have he not notice the dead in Deans eyes? Sam is sobbing next to his father, realization hit him quickly, he remembers now that a couple days after finding out about the hunting world, his brother had started going out every day like clockwork and coming back when he thought Sam was already asleep, when asked the next day, he remembers Dean telling him he was helping the manager with some tasks, Sam didn’t think of anything back then, but now, now he realizes what his brother sacrificed for him, and after everything he did and said to his brother, he doesn’t feel worthy of it.
The manager on the screen takes his hand off Dean´s shoulder and before closing the door, he mockingly wishes Dean a Merry Christmas. Dean feels sick, even sicker remembering that his dad is still no home, so Sammy wont have any presents. He goes for a walk and like a sign he sees a house with presents under a tree. Dean dries his tears, and until now John hadn’t noticed his son was crying, and break into the house, he is careful only to take two small boxes out of under the tree, before making a quick exit. Sam is marveled by his brother, after everything that happened to him, he is still thinking about his younger brother, which leaves Sam feeling guilty.
The scene changes to next morning, where Dean lies to Sammy telling him that dad arrived and put the presents inside the room, Sammy gets excited and there is a burst of happiness pouring out of Dean, until his brother opens the presents to reveal dolls, then Dean´s feelings turn to disappointment and self-loathing, that feels like lead inside the adult Winchester´s stomachs. John for a second expects the disappointment to be directed towards him, after all he is the one that let them down, but who is he kidding, his son is disappointed at himself for something out of his control and if that is the lesson he indoctrinated unto his son is no wonder they are here.
Sammy seems disappointed before lighting up and giving a small package to Dean, claiming he deserved more than their father. Dean tears up the wrapping paper and pulls the amulet with reverence and a childlike happiness, that warms his stomach. He hugs Sammy and the good feelings stay inside him as the scene comes to an end.
Inside the room, the feelings are a different story. Sam doesn’t feel worth it, don’t get him wrong, he is happy that he could give Dean a happy moment, but it says something about his brother, that a small gesture of kindness gets him this excited. Hell, the present wasn’t even meant for him, Sam give it to him as an afterthought, and even if now the Amulet has become a symbol of their brotherly bond, Dean deserved better than a second hand gift.
John is hysterical at this point, he is crying bitter tears, he always knew he wasn’t a good father, but fuck did his kids deserved so much better than what he offered. He spares a glance to Sam, and the guilt creeps in even more than before. His sons may not know this (and he will never admit it a loud because he is a coward) but he wasn’t hunting when this events happened, actually more than half the time around holidays when he say he was hunting was nothing but a lie, he just couldn’t stand being around his sons and catching glimpses of the apple life he had with Mary, so when holidays were around the corner he always made sure to look for a hunt away from his sons and half of the time he would spend the actual festive day hold up in some no name motel throwing himself a pity party. Back then he reasoned that his sons were better off without his drunk of a father around, after all most kids loved the freedom right? But now watching what Dean sacrificed, watching the beginning of the rift between him and Sam (because until now, he didn’t even know the Amulet was meant to be a gift to him), seeing his oldest lighting up to the smallest sign of kindness, he realizes the price of his actions. A price that he didn’t pay, but he certainly caused. And the only thing that Sam and John can do now is stare mournful at a little kid that was never given a chance.

Chapter Text

The screen lights up again before Sam´s and John´s stomachs settle. They now know they are not ready for whatever happens next, Sam is clutching a trash can that appeared some time ago like a life line, fingers white with the strength he is putting on them. John is in no better form but he is still in denial, that had to be the worst memory so far, hadn’t it? There cannot be anything worse than what they just saw. (Oh if John only knew)

The scene in the screen starts with a young Dean pulling his trousers up with a man looking at him from a bed. The man is in his forties and John is disgusted of what he is seeing. There is no longer shame in Dean´s face, there is just cold resignation and a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. The man calls Dean over where he is and gives him a filthy kiss, Sam can’t recognize whether the nausea he is feeling is his or his brother, but it is probably a combination of both. Still the smile in Dean´s face turns sincerer when the man reaches for his pocket and put a 20-dollar bill in his little hand and he thanks the man before pocketing the money. John is furious, not at Dean but at the situation, his son shouldn’t be thankful for 20 dollars that were given to him after he was forced to performed despicable acts with a man twice his age, a closest look shows a badge that reads manager and he knows why his son is in that room. His son is in that room because his damn father couldn’t be bother to see what was right in front of him, he couldn’t be bother to get his head out of his ass to notice that the money he was leaving his kids with wasn’t enough to feed them both, let alone pay for their place of residence. Sam is cold, to be honest he doesn’t think he can ever be warm again, his brother performed all of those acts for him, there is no question that if Dean had been alone, he wouldn’t have resorted to such extreme measures, Sam wants to be angry at his father, but he cant find the energy to be and, keeping the honesty thing going, he realizes now that not all was his father fault. It comes to his mind, hounding Dean for money so he can play soccer, a hobby that only lasted for about 5 months before he got bored, he remembers tricking Dean into paying for “mandatory” school trips, back then he thought he was so clever, he knew if he told his brother the trip was mandatory he would do everything to pay for it, the thought right now is sickening, and finally he remembers his older brother´s tired smile while giving him money, when he thought his brother would give anything for him even the clothes on his back, this was a scenario he never once thought about, he dry heaves but there is nothing left on his stomach.

On the screen, Dean leaves the motel room where the manager is in, making the way to his own. He stops at the door, before watching as the door next to him opens reveling a man giving a girl 50 dollars before leaving for his car. The girl is wearing a tank top and a short skirt that barely covers anything, her makeup heavy on her face, John will eat his shoe if the girl is older than 20. She leans against the wall before looking at Dean and speaking:
-Hiya Dean- she says, grabbing a cigarette out of her pocket- Have a light?
-Hi, Lena- Dean says, while offering her a match.
-You know is weird that you carry matches instead of a lighter? - she says while taking a drag of her cigarette- want one?
-No, thanks. I don’t smoke
-Suit yourself. Did he pay you this time?
-You know it’s a trade- he says tiredly, they obviously know each other even if in passing and that this is not the first conversation they have had about the subject- I let him touch me and blow him and he let us stay in the room, no questions ask… He gave me 20 dollars.
-A food for thought, if you are good at something don’t do it for free- the girl says while finishing her cigarette.
-Is that why you do it?- he says, not maliciously, almost curious. She lets a bitter laugh, preparing to leave before saying.
-Want my advice? Don’t fall the rabbit hole- she leaves before turning back and saying- But… if you have to, be smart and call me before- giving him a paper with her number. Dean enters the room and the scene ends, leaving Sam and John hoping this is not going where they think its going.

The scene changes and this time Dean is sitting on the edge of a bed. The girl, Lena, laying besides him looking at him intensely, she asks:
-Are you sure about going down the rabbit hole, Dean-o?- she says.
The hunger Dean is feeling is indistinguishable, Sam and John notice for the first time the hole in their stomachs that seems to be ready to eat all the surrounding organs. The feeling is nothing new to John, he felt it enough in the war, but the fact that one of his sons is the one feeling it makes him nauseous all the same. In contrast, Sam cant deal with it, he never once felt something like this, yes, he has been hungry before, but never like this, he notices it is probably thanks to his brother that at most he only ever skipped one meal, the guilt is eating him away and he doesn’t think that there is anything he can do to atone it.
-I don’t think I am sure of anything, but we are running low on food and I have to take care of Sammy- Dean says
-And yourself- Lena says not unkindly
-What?- Dean says confused
-You have to take care of yourself too. It is like on a plane, you first save yourself, then your kids.
-Well, that sounds stupid, if I where to save myself but lose my family then living wouldn’t be worth it, would it?- Dean says with certainty. And that comment breaks Sam and John hearths a little more.
-Wouldn’t know- Lena says after a while- Mine kicked me out.
-I am sorry- Dean says, compassion seeping out of him.
-Enough about that- she says getting up- We are not here for that. Alright, first rule, you get paid first hand, they don’t want to pay you beforehand, you leave, otherwise you will end up money less. Second, don’t pick prices too low or too high, one will make them think you are inexperience and will try to abuse you, the other one will leave you without clients. You can charge 20 dollars for a handjob, 30-40 for a blow and 70-80 if you are going to let them fuck you.
-Wait, I don’t want anyone to…-Dean says making some complex symbols.
-They are going to- the girl says like stating a fact- Whether by your choice or by force. I will recommend you that you do it in your own terms, they pay more for popping your cherry. Its better if its on your terms.
-They wont. I wont let them- Dean says, and a coldness fill the Winchesters watching, they really hope that at least Dean had that. At this point, Sam is hoping that at least if it happened it was Dean choice, but the way the topic is going, he doubts it.
-Well, then I wish you luck- Lena says with a sad smile. John thinks she is talking from experience, and he feels bad for the girl, even if he is angry that she is indoctrinating his son in something he wishes Dean hadn’t learned- Last rule, always make them wear condoms. And with that a recommendation, use make up to make yourself look younger, they will pay more. I will teach you.

The scene flashes until it stops. Now Dean is wearing a shirt that barely reaches his belly button and some leather shorts that are hugging his body in ways that make John sick, thinking of all the pervs that would look at his son without good intentions; who is he kidding that is exactly the kind of people his son is expecting to pay for his services, the nausea comes back tenfold, he doesn’t want to think of what is going to happen, but this was years ago and he is too late to protect his son now. There is a small layer of makeup on Dean´s face that makes Dean look even younger and innocent and dare Sam say it, pretty. Pretty, his brother´s factions have always been soft and ethereal in a way that gives him a boyish look which had always attracted attention, Sam had never given it a second glance, except maybe to scoff at his brother´s antics, but the thought now makes his stomach turn.
Dean follows Lena all the way to a corner street where a bunch of other girls and boys are huddle together. Sam had never once given a second glance to the sex workers in any of the towns they visit, but now he cant look away, half of the people standing in the corner cant be older than him, he dare say that there are at least another four underage kids among the crowd, he is feeling sick, without Dean he could have easily ended up as one of those kids standing in the cold, just like his brother is standing now. John had only ever give the kids working the streets a pitying glance before looking away, he always pitied the fact that any kid had to resort to such measures because their parents wouldn’t or couldn’t provide. The irony of this line of thought is not lost on John, he spent so many years patting himself in the back, because at least his children where safe and not in the streets, that he never once realized that the statement was only a half truth, his eyes swell with tears and he does nothing to stop them, he failed as a father and his oldest paid the price.
A motorcycle stops in front of Dean, the driver calling him over, the man gives him a lusty look before asking the prices, Dean recites them, before the man takes him over to a dirty alleyway where he proceeds to put Dean on his knees and have his way with him. What follows is a scenery of man after man getting blown by Dean, until the litany of men finally stops. Dean gets up with wet patches on his knees, lips chapped and bruised after being abused for hours, his eyes look tired, layer of makeup long wash out. The feelings are all over the place, but the one that seems more prominent is the tiredness. John wants to be able to get into the screen and hug his son, holding him and never letting him go, it is a moot point now, there is no apology he can say his son that would make anything better. Sam is quiet, the numbness had creep inside him, he doesn’t know how to describe what he feels, he hasn’t even notice he hasn’t stopped crying yet.
Dean makes the way to the motel room, Lena walking beside him, they reach their destiny soon enough, Dean cracks the door open slightly before the girl stops him with an open palm, Dean seems to understand because the next moment he puts money on her palm, she counts it, extracts two twenties and returns the rest to Dean, she put a cigarette in Dean´s hand and pull one herself before lighting both. Dean takes a long drag of the cigarette, coughing violently while trying to expulse the smoke.
-You would think that after so long swallowing, you would be better at smoking- the girl says laughing- So how did your first day tricking went? Got enough?
-It was fine- Dean responds coughing- I made enough to last for a while.
-And to buy rockets for the 4th of July- Lena says, before adding at seeing Dean´s face- Thin walls kiddo.
-Well yeah, I want to do something special for Sammy
-That kid must be truthfully grateful with you- she says finishing her cig- So tell me, was it worth it?
Dean looks inside the room, watching a young Sammy sleeping peacefully.
-Every damn moment- he says with a small smile.
No, Dean, it wasn’t, Sam thinks sorrowfully.

The next memory starts soon and the feelings give Sam and John whiplash. There is a joy childlike emanating from Dean and the happiness is palpable in the air. Both Sam and John take in the scene like a breath of fresh air, at least that what Sam is feeling until he opens his eyes. The scene in front of him is the one of a field where they are setting up fireworks, he sees himself as a young child enjoying them around, he sees the satisfied look in his brother, the happiness and he feels like the worst piece of garbage in the world. Because he would never once consider this a happy memory, when he remembers this scene the only thing he remembers is running away with Dean after the field starts catching on fire, he never once thought that his brother will treasure this memory as a good one, to Sam this is rather unremarkable, but now knowing what his brother did to obtain this fireworks, knowing he was doing it for him, he wishes he had enjoyed it more and had been more thankful with his brother actions.

The screen doesn’t let them dwell in the good memories, sadly enough. The next image it shows in another motel room with Dean kneeling besides a bed, while a 50 something bald man is sitting putting his member inside the young boy´s mouth, a hand grabbing the back of Dean´s head, tears pooling in the boy´s eyes. The man abruptly pulls his member from out of Dean´s face, leaving the boy breathless and confuse on the floor, the manager pats the bed besides him and Dean, still confuse, sits there.
-First time I saw you, when you arrived with your brother and your father, I knew I have to have you– the men says, wandering hands touching a still clothed Dean- And well, look at my luck, you offer yourself to me. How long have you been blowing me, son?
-About 5 days, sir- Dean says hesitantly
-5 beautiful days- the man says- And you are really good at it, dare I say a pro, must be all the practice you have around the city- the man grips tightens around Dean´s shoulders after the young hunter tries to move away- But after 5 days, I find myself wishing for more, so why don’t you be a dear and take off your clothes and we can have more fun together- the man finishes in a way that states that it is not a suggestion.
“No, please, this cant be happening” John´s brain thinks as the room seems to start to spin around. “Dean already lost enough”. Sam´s brain seems to short circuit, why does everything bad seems to happen to Dean, he dry heaves again, eyes full of tears as he watches.
-No- Dean says firmly- This is not what we agree on
-Oh, come on, don’t be such a prude, I recognize a slut when I see one- the man says towering over Dean. The kid manages to escape the man grip, but the victory is short live, the man grabs him by the back of his head gripping his hair in a way that almost gives the older Winchester a headache.
-Let me go- Dean says while trying to get away, kicking and screaming.
-No, I don’t think so- the manager says, before throwing him forcefully on the bed, Dean tries to use the momentum to get away to no avail. The old man grabs him and tears the boy´s jeans and underwear with force- I was planning to prepare you, it was going to be sweet and loving sex, but then you decided to be a brat, you should be thankful you suck me first because that is the only lube you will get- he says before pushing forcefully inside Dean.
Pain, pure unadulterated pain, that is the only thing that John and Sam can feel while the man forces himself inside Dean´s tiny body. Sam is sobbing, breathless, his head seems like its spinning and his whole word seems to shake around him, his brother didn’t deserve this, how can Dean be kind and loving after this? How can his tiny body take such a beat down? How did Dean survive their childhood? The pain is splitting him open, and Sam cries hoping for it to stop.
John is heaving, fuck, how did this happened? He wants to hunt the son of a bitch that did this to his son, but more than that he wants to hunt himself, how is it possible that this happened to his son? He watches the news, he knows that Dean is not the first and is sadly not the last kid to be abused like this, but it is not supposed to be Dean in that bed, Dean was supposed to have a happy if different childhood, John was supposed to protect his sons of this horrors. But, well, that is not true is it? Hell he doesn’t even remember giving his kids the talk for crying a loud, he never even warns them about the dangers of the worst monster this planet has, the humans. And now, he is watching the consequences of his actions.
At this point in the scene, Dean has stopped struggling, big green eyes closed as he sobs loudly. The man above him stills for a moment before releasing his load and pulling out, leaving a white and red liquid leaking down Dean´s thighs.
-You didn’t tell me you were a virgin, sweetie, I would have been more careful- the man says mockingly- It looks like I pop your cherry, don’t worry, a slut like you wasn’t going to keep it much longer, better me than a stranger- he says before grabbing his clothes- Well, you have been a joy, but I have a job to do, you understand. Don’t worry, you can stay here as long as you want, of course if I find you here when I come back, I might want to use you again, but you would give it to me anyway no? Have a pleasant night, kiddo- the manager says, slapping Dean´s butt before vacating the room, leaving a catatonic bleeding Dean behind.

John is green at the face, the nausea a constant feeling in his stomach, the room is spinning or maybe his head is spinning. He spent so long trying to catch the Yellow eyed bastard trying to get revenge for Mary, always justifying himself saying that the quickest he caught the bastard, the quickest he could give his sons the apple life they deserved. But he failed miserably, he spent so much looking for revenge for what he lost, that he forgot to look after what he still had. And now, well now is barely nothing left.
Sam cant do this anymore, this is too much for him, it is a pain he cant barely begin to comprehend, his brother, his big brother did all of this for him, he is still barely 13-14 years old in the memories, there is still at least 12 years of memories left and Sam cannot stomach a second longer of this torture. He raises his eyes and see the salvation staring right at him. The button. The big red dramatic button stares seductively at him. He stands off his seat and makes a run for it before his father can even react.
John´s peripheral vision catches his youngest son, but he reacts to late, he makes a run after him and tries to grab his arm but his hand catches air. If Sam pushes the button, it is game over for Dean. Sam´s hand hovers over the button, and then…

Chapter Text

A figure of a man can be seen watching the horizon peacefully. Another figure approaches and the first says:
-You are giving away all my secrets, Gabe
-Thought you would be angrier Dean-o –Gabriel responds, sitting next to Dean
-Nah, I am not angry- Dean responds- Tired, maybe, but not angry- he makes a pause before adding- While a part of me never wanted them to know, another part always thought they had at least figure some of it, you know?
-They are learning now- Gabe adds after a while- Hopefully, they can make it better for you when you wake up.
-You think they can make it to the end? –the hunter asks curiously
-You don’t? -the Trickster asks
-We´ll see- he says before changing the subject- Cas is still mad at me.
-I don’t think he understands why you did it- he answers truthfully
-And you? -Dean says, before clarifying at seeing Gabriel´s confused face- Do you understand why I did it?
-No… yes… Maybe- Gabriel responds- Human emotions are complexed. Wished I could solve the puzzle that is your head.
-Get in line- says a new grave voice- And I am not mad at you, Dean, even if I wished you wouldn’t have taken such extreme measures. I wished you would have confided in me before. But I am not angry- Cas finishes, before giving Dean a peck in the lips and settling on Dean´s other side.
-This is peaceful. Never thought I would be here- Dean express while giving Cas a one-arm hug
-In peace? -Gabe asks perplexed
-In Heaven- he responds, before adding- Always thought that I would ended up downstairs
-Don’t believe everything you read –Michael says behind them, Raphael close in his heels- It would have been disrespectful after everything you suffered and every good action you did to not let you inside.
- Figured you would be the first to send me to the wolves, Mike. Start the big A, and the likes- Dean says humoredly.
-A year ago I would have- Michael responds, corner of his mouth twitching- But a mud-monkey taught me a thing or two about human kindness.
-Human kindness? -Raphael scoffs- Where is that human kindness now? With a man that abuses his power to abuse a young boy? With nameless men that took advantage of a young kid trying to survive? – he continues angrily- With a brother that pushes aside the person that he owns the most, caught in his own life, chasing something that was never meant to him? Or with a father so caught in revenge that leaves his oldest son to take care for his other son, neglecting what he has, preferring what he lost?- he spits out- And you dare say humans are kind.
- Kindness is in a psychic that takes in an angry confuse parent and his two kids in, trying to explain the parent that the monsters in nightmares are real. It is in a pastor offering his church to a family and to any hunter that passes by, simply because they need a place to crash. Kindness is in a man, who lived a terrible childhood, get out of it to marry the love of his life, only to have to shoot her after she got possessed, a few days after fighting with her, and still taking in two young boys and acting as a surrogate father. Kindness is in a young sex worker looking out for a young boy, trying to deter him for making her same mistakes and putting a couple more bucks in his pocket, when he wasn’t watching. It is on the old lady in a restaurant paying for two boys meals. It is on a cashier putting a mac and cheese box inside a paper bag, even if the boy buying it was a dollar short –Dean tells calmly- I think you haven’t quite understood that kindness is not something you give expecting something in return. It is something you give freely.
-You are right. I don’t understand- Raphael accepts- I don’t get how after everything you can still defend them.
-Love is in the giving- Castiel replies- Not in the having.
There is a hint of nostalgia in the air that is interrupted by Gabriel stating.
-Your brother is about to push the button.
-Yes, he is- Dean responds.
-The button that if pushed would mean you dead- Raphael exclaims.
-So it does- Dean humms
-We have to do something- Castiel says alarmed
-Not really. I made a choice, what happens next is theirs- he says
-Free Will- Michael exhales.
And 3 Archangels, a Seraphim and a human watch, waiting for what it is to come.

Chapter Text

Sam´s hand hovers over the button, and then… and then his knees give out. Red button looking at him mockingly. Violent trembles racking his body, sobbing loudly. He couldn’t do it, he can´t do it, hadn’t he raged against the doctors trying to disconnect his brother´s body what seems like a lifetime ago? Wouldn´t he pushing the button be the same? Different thing, same result. After everything he saw/is seeing, it is disrespectful to even look at the button; they, his father and he, deserve to feel at least a fraction to what Dean felt, they deserve to know the truth, not because they are entitled to it, but because learning is the least they can do to figure out how badly they messed up. Sam´s peripheral vision has a few seconds to recognize his father´s approaching form, before he finds himself with his head pushed towards his father´s chest. There is water dripping in his hair, chest shaking with trembles, and Sam recognizes belatedly that his father is crying. He doesn’t think he had ever seen his dad crying, but if there was ever a time for him to do it, now seems a good one. Time seems to stop and there is a moment when neither of them know who is holding who, before they break the hug.

John´s vision is filled with tears. There was a small second between Sam extending his hand to push the button and his son knees giving out, that he wondered if it would be too bad for all to be over, the thought didn’t make him feel better. The truth is that after all these years he cant picture a life without Dean. Its funny, he ponders, last year he couldn’t bother to pick up the phone to call his oldest too busy to reach out, but there was always the knowledge in the back of his head that the moment he called, Dean would be there to answer. When he got the call that Dean had tried to killed himself, hell, when Dean had killed himself, because John has no doubt that without the Trickster interference they would have buried Dean by now (salt him and burn him, his brain provides, but John can´t think of a proper hunter burial for any of his sons), he had been angry, fuck, he had been furious, but for the life of him he cant remember at what for. Was he angry at himself for not noticing something had been wrong, had he been angry because of the actions of his son or was he angry because the situation was out of his control? He never once accepted the fault of his actions before now. Even when they started viewing the memories, John didn’t acknowledge almost any of the responsibility, he could accept that he had probably taken Dean for granted the year after they defeated the YED, but he calmed himself thinking of all the good memories he had given his son. He is realizing too late that he had taken Dean for granted since Mary´s death. He had been an absent father that had ingrained the need to take care of Sam so deeply into Dean that he made his oldest feel like his own wellbeing was unimportant. Looking back, the only wonder is how they didn’t end up here sooner.

-I couldn’t push the button, I wanted to push it, but I couldn’t- Sam confessed- Dean killed himself, dad- Sam sobs.
-Yeah, Sammy, he did- John responds
-We fucked up, dad, we fucked up badly- Sam says hugging himself
-Yes, Sammy- John says, tears still running through his face- Yes, we did
-We didn’t know- Sam says rocking himself- How come we didn’t know?
-I don’t know, Sammy. Dean never say…
-But he shouldn’t have had to say anything- Sam explodes, interrupting his father- We should have notice, well, maybe not you, you were never there, but I should have notice. How come I never notice? - Sam continues hysterically- Well, aren’t you going to say anything???
-I don’t know Sammy, I just… I don’t know- John says defeated- You are right, I was never there, it’s my fault, Dean was just a child, both of you were just children. I should have been a better father; I should have protected you.
-It isn’t just your fault dad- Sam says after a while- I was there, I should have known- John makes a gesture to interrupt, but Sam continues- No, don’t defend me, maybe when we were children I couldn’t have known, but I should have known something was wrong, when I was older. Fuck, I was so focused in myself, that I didn’t even notice that my brother was…-Sam cries out- I want to go back in time and slap myself until I make myself see what was in front on me. I want to hug Dean and thank him for everything. I want to apologize for everything I said and did.
-I am sorry too- John admits- I am sorry for not seeing what was in front of me before it was too late. I spent so much time trying to catch the son of a bitch that killed your mother that I forgot what I still had. All those years, I was sure that once this was over, we could be a family again. The weight I put on your brother´s shoulders…-John says, bitter tears still spilling- I want to go back and protect him like I should have in the first place.
-What do we do know, dad? - Sam says, after he calmed himself a little- How can we possibly begin to atone for what we did? - Sam finishes, turning his teary eyes to John, lost look in his face.
-We keep watching- John responds- We take these memories to heart, we learn and we promise to never take Dean for granted again- he finishes.
-Then let’s continue- Sam concludes, broken smile in his face.
John and Sam return to their seats, getting ready for what’s about to come

Chapter Text

The screen lights up again and Sam and John take a deep breath preparing to watch the next memory. To their surprise, the scene starts once again in the motel room of the last memory, but, Sam rationalizes, they did interrupt the memory before it could finish.
On the screen, Dean has stopped crying, tears track on his face the only indication that he ever did. The mixture of emotions is difficult to identify, all wrapped up in a numbness that seems to want to swallow Dean (and the adult Winchesters) whole. Dean´s eyes are focused on the big blood mark in the bedsheet. John´s heart almost stops watching Dean´s look, it’s a look he is familiar with, he has seen it in Vietnam, he has seen it in veterans and he has seen it in fellow hunters, but he never thought he would see it in one of his sons. He would love to grab Dean into his arms and hug him until some life would return to those beautiful green eyes, he wishes he could turn back time and prevent this from happening, he is starting to wonder if killing the YED was really worthy, he is scared to even think of the answer.
Sam is shocked again; he now knows that Dean has been through a lot in his young life but he has never once seen his brother as vulnerable as he is seeing him now. He always thought of Dean as an indestructible force that could endure anything the world threw his way, but only now he is seeing his brother with objective eyes and he sees the way Dean carries the weight of the world in his shoulders and the place the pressure threatens to crush him. Now, as an adult, Sam recognizes the unfairness of the situation, he recognizes that the bar his dad and he put to measure his brother is too high, they put him on a pedestal as a god and they forgot he was a human, but then again, Sam thinks to himself, children always believe their parents to be indestructible.

On the screen, Dean closes his eyes and finally stands up in hesitant feet, directing himself to the bathroom, limping all the way, thighs cover with blood. The pain is almost too much to handle for Sam and John and they can’t barely believe that Dean is able to power up through it enough to move, let alone walk. Once in the bathroom, Dean gets into the shower sitting under the shower head, letting the scalding water wash up the fluids covering up his body. After what seems like hours later, Dean stands up, closes the shower and covers himself up with a white towel, the adult Winchesters can see the towel turning red quickly but Dean seems unaffected by it, he dresses quickly before leaving the room. The teared clothes hang around Dean´s thin frame loosely and John wants to look away, his son looks like a ghost, scratch that, he has seen ghosts with more lively eyes, he again wonders how he couldn’t have noticed that his son had been abused that badly, but then again he wasn’t paying attention, was he? Sam is deliberating how he is going to kill the son of a bitch that raped his brother when, there is not if, he finds him, Sam knows he is projecting his feelings into other things as to not think about the injuries of his brother and the first degree burns the water caused, he can feel them and he wonders how Dean power through the pain as to not make his family suspicious, he prays Dean got his injuries checked out, he hopes that for once Dean put himself first.

In the memory, Dean walks around aimlessly, nobody stops him until he reaches a truck stop. It doesn’t take long for John and Sam to realize that this is where Dean has been selling his service if the variety of girls and boys loitering in the space is anything to go by. John wonders what could possibly have possessed Dean to go there after what happened to him, he doesn’t think he can handle a new memory like the last one, hell, he doesn’t think Dean can live through another experience like that after what already happened. Sam is horrified, Dean can’t possibly be there to…?
Both Winchesters are brought out of their thoughts by movement on the screen. A young man approaches Dean, face filled with worry. The boy cant be older than Dean, probably sixteen year old even if one wouldn’t think he was with the layers of makeup he is wearing on his face and the look in his eyes that mirrors Dean´s. Dead eyes look at Dean with concern, the boy puts an arm around Dean and starts guiding him towards a building nearby. The boy knocks on the door and a man opens the door, revealing what appears to be a clandestine clinic. The doctor ushers them inside and John and Sam can hear clip voices before the doctor approaches Dean:
-Hey, kid- he says- mind telling me what happened?- he asks.
Dean makes to respond but no words come out of him so he says nothing.
-How about you tell me where it hurts, so I can check you over?- the man says.
-You can trust him, Dean, I promise- the other boy says and Dean must trust him to some degree because he makes vague motions showing the doctor where it hurts before unbuttoning his clothes.
The next part of the memory goes like a blur, with only cold detachment emanating out of Dean. The doctor finishes and gives Dean´s instructions, before the boy thanks him and helps Dean get out of the room. Dean breaks the silence some time later.
-Thanks, Lewis- Dean says with a raspy voice
-Don’t worry, Dean- Lewis answers- Did you…-he starts asking before stopping himself- I mean, did he…?- and makes vague gestures that Dean apparently understands.
-Does it matters? - Dean asks shaky
-No- Lewis answers after a while- I guess, it doesn’t really. Was it the motel owner?
-Yeah
-Creepy asshole. What are you going to do now?
-What do you mean? - Dean wonders
- Well, you cannot possibly stay there after what happened Dean- Lewis says, he continues after watching Dean confused face- Dean, you don’t think that he is going to stop at one time, do you? And you have a brother, he probably wont stop at…
-Shut your mouth- Dean interrupts, rage filling him and finally showing emotion after the events- I wont let anyone touch Sammy.
-I know- Lewis says placating him- Do you have somewhere else to go? Someone to stay with? I would offer you a place, but, well, you know where I live, I don’t think you would want your brother there- he says apologetically
-I have- Dean stutters- I have an uncle. Sioux Falls, South Dakota. But, I… my dad… don’t have anyone to take us there.
-You are in a truck stop, sweetheart, there is always someone going your way- Lewis claims- And I think today is your lucky day. Sal!!- Lewis shouts to a man smoking a cigarette. The man is in his 50´s if John´s assessment is anything to go by and has a hard stare, John doesn’t want his kids hitchhiking anywhere with a stranger but between the stranger and the motel owner, he would take his chances with the trucker. Sam lets out a breath of relief, he remembers Sal and his truck and traveling all the way to South Dakota with him, nothing inadequate happened on the trip, Sal was a really nice guy, he hopes his assessment doesn’t prove fake but at the very least he can at least remember that Dean wasn’t any worse to wear when they arrive at Bobby´s.

-What can I do for you, mate?- Sal asks, putting out his cigar.
-Where you heading?- Lewis asks
-North Dakota- he answers- why?
-You wouldn’t happen to pass through Sioux Falls?- Dean asks
-Not exactly, but I do have a stop in South Dakota, that I believe is an hour away of Sioux Falls if you are interested, kiddo- the man answers.
-Yeah- Dean says- I would like that a lot. But I have to go get my brother.
-Alright, kiddo, tell you what- Sal says- I see you in an hour.
-Thanks- Dean answers before rushing to the motel room

Dean arrives at the motel where he wakes a sleepy Sammy.
-C´mon Sammy, get up and pack up- Dean says
-Go away, Dean, I am tired and its late- Sammy answers annoyed and older Sam wants to slap his younger self.
-I know, but we have to go. C´mon pack up, we are going to Bobby´s.
-Did dad called? -Sam asks getting up and starting gathering their things.
-No, but the motel owner it’s going to call CPS in the morning- Dean lies- I´ll call dad when we get at Bobby´s.
-Fine- Sam answers- But call dad now or he might worry- Sam says in a bossy tone before entering the bathroom.
Dean pulls a cellphone and marks John´s number which goes to voicemail.
-Hi, dad- Dean says with a shaky voice- Its me. Hmm. Listen, the motel manager its getting suspicious so I… I mean, Sam and I are booking it to Bobby´s. I know that wasn’t the plan but I heard him say something about CPS, so I guess, we will see you at Bobby´s. I am sorry, dad- Dean finishes, before hanging up in time for Sam to get out of the bathroom, duffel bag on his hand.

Sam feels like an asshole, seeing the memory now, he can see (and feel) Dean´s nervousness that its clearly not because of the manager threat to call CPS, the fear is prominent in the air and he knows he should have noticed and said something. Fuck, Dean was even limping when he woke him up and the only thing he focused back then was in his annoyance to leave yet another town because his father left him with his older brother that clearly wasn’t careful enough. If he could go back in time he would slap his younger self until he understood the sacrifices Dean was making and the danger, he was putting himself into.
John is feeling extremely guilty, when he received the voicemail of Dean he got angry at his son for his careless, he should have known better, John didn’t even think to untangle the voicemail but now he can clearly hear the desperation and the plead in his son´s voice. Oh how he wishes he would have paid enough attention back then to hear the pain in his oldest voice, he would have left what he was hunting and rushed back to Bobby´s house to comfort his son, as it is, not only he ignored the voicemail, he left the boys a month at Bobby´s to prove his point, what point he was trying to prove? John doesn’t longer know and he guesses it doesn’t matter, because the only thing he taught his son was that his father couldn’t be trusted to be there, and that leaves a bitter taste in him.

Chapter Text

The next memory starts without much fanfare and Sam is relieved. This he remembers, this is familiar territory, this he knows how it goes, he thinks… he hopes… John can see Sam relaxing out of the corner of his eye, which calms him down a little, however, unlike his son, he can’t quite get into a relax stance; the truth is that, as hard as John wants to deny it, he is going to be face once again with his failures as a parent, he knows that Bobby took better care of his sons than himself did, he sometimes wonders what would have happened if he had let them with Bobby like the man asked him so many times before, would they still be hunting? Would Sam have gotten the apple life he so much desired? Would they still be here, watching Dean´s memories after he killed himself? John knows the answers to those questions and he knows that if Bobby Singer ever found out half of the things that Sam and John know now, he would salt and burn him alive.

The scene on the screen shows a young Dean sitting shotgun inside a truck with a young Sammy sitting between his legs. The trucker, Sal, casting them furtive glances as he drives, Sammy pays no heed to this fact falling asleep almost immediately, Dean, however, is more wary about this act and the adult Winchesters are assaulted with the feelings of wariness and protectiveness that are coming out of Dean. The young hunter waits until he is sure Sammy is fast asleep before talking to Sal while he glances at the window.
-If you want payment for the trip, I am game- false bravado dripping out of Dean´s voice- but it will have to be somewhere where my brother cant see, got it?- Dean says and Sam´s stomach sinks to the floor, it couldn’t have happened when he was there, right?
-Nah kid- Sal answers calmly- I was just wondering how a boy your age ends up doing what you were doing. How old are you, anyways?
-I am none of your business old- Dean answers annoyed- Does it matter?
-It matters- Sal answers- to know how much lying I have to do if the cops stop us.
-Why would the cops stop us?- Dean asks confused
-Maybe because I am travelling with two runaways
-We are not running away- Dean finally tells him- Dad knows where we are going and my uncle is waiting for us- he adds
-And do they know how you are getting there?- Sal asks curiously
Dean hums but doesn’t answer. John wants to shake his son, that information in wrong hands can lead to disaster, of course he is no one to talk, after all, he received the voicemail from his son and didn’t do anything about it, he didn’t call Bobby, he didn’t call Dean back, hell, until a few seconds ago, he hadn’t even thought about the dangers that two underage kids hitchhiking could encounter.

The scene changes and this time it shows a different truck stop, where Sal has parked his truck, Dean helps Sammy exit the truck and turns around to thank Sal.
-Well, this is my stop- the man says
-Thanks, Sal- Dean answers peering through the window
-You got it, kid- Sal says- Be careful out there- the man finishes before starting his truck and driving away. Sammy and Dean watch as the truck disappears in the road, before Sammy turns around and asks Dean
-Dee, at what time is Uncle Bobby supposed to picked us up?- the kid aks
-I…-Dean mumbles something that neither Sam nor John understand
-You didn’t call him, did you, Dean?- Sammy asks angrily- You are unbelievable, are we walking or something?- the kid yells.
Sam, once again, is invaded by the urge to slap his younger self entitled self, especially when the feelings of self-hate starts to emanate from Dean´s. John, for his part, is horrified, he didn’t even think of calling Bobby to make sure if the boys have arrived safely, actually, if he remembers correctly Bobby was the one to call him to tell him his boys where on his house, he remembers he gave the older hunter directions of what to train his sons with and didn’t even think to ask if their sons were okay.

-No, of course not- Dean answers after a while- I just didn’t know what time we would get here. I will call him right now, don’t worry, he will be here in a blink- Dean says with a confident voice, but the feelings Sam and John are getting from him show that he is anything but confident.
-Dee- Sam whines- I am hungry.
-I…-Dean says- Don’t worry, Sammy. There- Dean says pointing to a small dinner- I´ll pay, let’s get you something to eat- he finishes directing his brother to the dinner. Neither Winchester misses the way Dean says you instead of us.
The boys get inside the establishment and Dean tells Sammy to order whatever he likes before getting up to dial Bobby.
-Hello- Bobby´s rough voice answer, after a long silence, he asks- Is anyone there?
-Hi, Uncle Bobby- Dean answers with a shaky voice- Its me, hmm, Dean, that is Dean Winchester, sir.
-Dean- Bobby says, losing some of the gruffness- Boy, how many times do I have to tell you not to call me sir?
-At least once more- Dean tells him with a mirthless laugh
-Idjit- Bobby says- What can I do for you, boy?
-Can you pick us up, please? -Dean asks, a lone tear traveling through his cheek
-Where are you?- Bobby asks, this time worryingly- Are you and Sam ok? Where is your daddy? Is he…?
-Dad is fine, Sam is fine, we are fine, Bobby- Dean answers- Dad is… Dad is hunting but Sammy and I ran into some problems and we had to bail. We are at…- Dean says checking the name of the restaurant- We are at the Long Road cafeteria; it’s supposed to be an hour away of Sioux Falls.
-Yeah, I know the place- Bobby answers, still with a worry voice- I can be here in half an hour, 40 minutes max. Eat something, both of you, my treat.
-Thanks Bobby- Dean says relieved before hanging up.
John makes a note to thank Bobby whenever he sees him next, that is if the man doesn’t shoot him insight, as it is, he is sure that Bobby will murder him when he finds out what happened to Dean, if he hasn’t found out already, so maybe it would be prudent not to be anywhere near him.

The scene speeds up until it stops at what apparently is half hour later, Bobby enters the dinner and Dean´s face lights up, the sentiment of relief is pungent in the air and both John and Sam breathe a little easier. Sammy and Dean both join Bobby and get into his car, the two young boys might not notice it but John recognizes the worry in Bobby´s eyes. The car trip scene passes in a flash until the car stops at Bobby´s house.
The salvage yard looks warm and welcoming, it looks like home. John has never once thought about Bobby´s house as neither warm nor welcoming, to him Bobby´s has always been something akin a museum or a library, a place where you can get information, but he has never once call it a home; understatement settles quickly in his gut, those feelings aren’t his, those feelings are Dean. Now, John has always known that the Singer´s salvage yard was something that his eldest saw as a safe place, but knowing and feeling are two different things, the reverence that Dean feels towards the place hits him like a train, this is the closest thing to a Safe Heaven that Dean has (and Bobby is the closest thing to a parental figure in his life)
Sam recognizes his brother´s feelings right away and he is stumped. To him, the Singer Salvage Yard, Bobby´s home was always a place to crash and learn, but it wasn’t exactly somewhere he wanted to visit, truth to be told, he always felt better at Pastor Jim´s church, where he could play all day in the field surrounding the building and where he could walk inside without worrying if a pile of books was going to fall on him, to him Bobby´s was always quite disorganized and crowded and Bobby himself was always gruffer and colder than his Uncle Jim´s. Except… maybe those are not the reasons why he preferred Jim´s than Bobby´s, if he is honest with himself, and at this point he might as well be, Sam always felt jealous at Bobby´s, because to him Bobby always preferred Dean, now, that is not to say that Bobby ever treated Sam badly, but to his young self that was always used to be the center of attention while his brother faded in the background, being at Bobby´s, where the older man would teach his brother how to fix cars instead of discussing the lore with Sam and he would be teaching Dean how to play chess instead of playing with Sam (even if chess was never Sam´s favorite activity) and where Bobby would always take turns asking what they wanted to eat instead of asking only Sam, was always rather odd. Entitled and spoiled are words that begin to swim into Sam´s mind and he feels ashamed of himself.

The scene changes once again and this time Dean is helping Bobby clean the dishes after tucking Sam in for the night, the line of worry in Bobby´s face hasn’t eased and its clear the man has been waiting to be alone with Dean to ask the boy what happened, if the next words are anything to go by:
-Want to tell me what happened now, boy? Or am I supposed to guess? -Bobby asks with his usual tack.
-I told you, uncle Bobby- Dean responds quickly- We encounter some trouble and we had to bail.
-Really? -Bobby asks raising an eyebrow- And what problem did you two find that had you running and was so big that you hitchhike with your brother from who knows where instead of waiting for your daddy?
-We didn’t have any funds to pay another night at the motel and the motel manager was going to call CPS- Dean lies and if both adult Winchesters didn’t know what happened already, they wouldn’t have caught it. Apparently, Bobby knows Dean better because he tells him
-Boy, I might have been born at night but it wasn’t last night. How about you cut the crap and tell me what really happened? And include why you have been limping all day in that story?
-I told you, we…-Dean starts before cutting himself off when he sees Bobby´s thunderous expression, he licks his lips before sitting down in one of the kitchen chairs and continues, his voice almost whispering- If I tell you, you have to promise not to tell dad.
-Dean, kid, if it is important, your daddy has to know- Bobby says regretfully- Unless- and his voice changes this time hardening- did your daddy did that to you?- he says pointing the limp, and normally John would be angry at the older hunter for making such assumptions but honestly after watching the memories he can’t say he doesn’t deserve it
-What??- Dean yells angrily- No, of course not, my dad is a great man, he would never hit me.
-Sorry, kid, I had to ask- Bobby says not entirely convinced- but if your dad didn’t do that then why don’t you want me to tell me.
-I won’t tell you until you promise- Dean says stubbornly
-Fine- the hunter accepts- I promise I won’t tell your father anything, now tell me what happened?
John and Sam are stumped, is Dean really going to confide in Bobby? If so, why didn’t Bobby ever say anything? John is almost sure that Dean didn’t tell Bobby the truth, because if he had he is sure that he would have a hole between his eyes by now.
-The motel manager- Dean starts- where we were staying start looking at us weirdly.
-Weirdly? - Bobby asks suspiciously- Weirdly how?
-In a way that no adult should watch a child- Dean says with a dead tone- He was looking at us like we were meat
-Did he…?- Bobby asks, swallowing hard- Did the man did something to you or your brother?
-No- Dean says defensibly- Of course not, I would never let anything happened to Sammy, you know that.
-Boy, I asked about the both of you, and don’t think that I didn’t notice you didn’t answer half my question
-He tried- Dean whispers and Bobby curses up with language that would make a sailor blush- But he didn’t touch me or anything like that- he hurries to lie- he just said some creepy things and tried to grab me, he, hmm, grabbed my leg and when I tried to get loose I tripped and fell but I got up and booked it with Sammy. I haven’t even noticed that I was limping- and that last sentence might be the only truth in the whole statement
-Dean- Bobby says putting a hand in Dean´s shoulder- kid, are you sure the man didn’t hurt you?
-Of course, Bobby- he says, fake smile in his face- I wouldn’t be a good hunter if I let him get the drop on me
-Dean, you understand that even if he had…- Bobby says stopping himself- it wasn’t your fault.
-I know that- Dean answers- you wont tell my dad, will you?
-That is something big to hide from John, you know that right? Your daddy would like to know?
-I just don’t want to worry him- Dean confesses, before adding- You promised, I trusted you- Dean says accusingly.
-Yes, I did do that- Bobby says, free hand removing his cap- I wont say anything to your dad, but you have to promise me something in return.
-What is it?- Dean asks
-If something ever where to happen like that, or if you ever needed help, you call me, got it?
-Thanks Bobby, I promise- Dean says before Bobby engulfs him in a hug. The peace that comes out of Dean at the moment as he lets his worries fade away, washes over Sam and John making them terribly guilty, because neither of them had ever comforted Dean like that and if that wasn’t a punch in the gut, they don’t know what it was.

The scene fades and the screen starts again in a field where Bobby and Dean are playing baseball. The childlike glee that Dean is feeling is contagious, but the happiness Dean is feeling is tinted with sadness for the Winchester viewers. John remembers Bobby and Dean telling him about this, he remembers being pissed at both for losing time doing what he catalogued as pointless and childish actions, he remembers making Dean trained harder as a punishment for this almost to the verge of his son passing out. John wants to scream, the guilt is eating him alive, he is just now remembering that his son was a child at the time, he deserved to have some fun without worrying of his dad´s crusade. John also feels jealous, this is the happiest he had seen Dean in a lot of time, actually he thinks that this is the more relax and carefree he has seen his son since Mary´s death, and he wasn’t anywhere near. He should have been the one to teach him how to throw a ball in the park, he should have given his son a decent childhood, he should have protected Dean, but it is obvious by now, that even if he doesn’t want to admit it, he is just a watcher in his son life, barely even a visitor, not enough there to be a father.
Sam is jealous. He is jealous at Bobby for putting that smile in his brother face. He has never made Dean smile like that. Wow, Sam thinks, I am really self-center. He feels guilty of his jealousy right away, Dean deserves any moment of happiness he can get with whomever cares enough, because it is evident by now that Dean´s brother and father are too wrap up in their own minds to care enough for him. And isn’t that a kick to the gut, to recognize that they, as Dean´s family that supposedly where there for him his whole childhood, didn’t care enough to recognize the signs that something was wrong, that something has been wrong for longer than they could have imagined, that after everything Dean had done and sacrificed for them, he always came last in his family´s priority.

The scene changes once again and this time Sammy and Dean are climbing into the Impala, John already in the driver’s seat, seething, Bobby waving them from the porch, Dean looks back one last time before John starts the car driving away. There is a certain nostalgia and sadness coming out of Dean that invades the air of the viewing room. Sam regrets never fighting to stay more time with Bobby, it’s clear this is a Safe Haven for Dean and he deserves all the comfort and happiness he can get. It is the feeling of leaving home, John recognizes and he knows if his time calculations are right that what happens next wont be good and he readies himself for what is to come, because he is sure that if the memories don’t kill him, Sam might.

Chapter Text

Hunger. That is the first thing John and Sam feel even before the screen shows any images. For a moment they cant concentrate on anything but the gnawing emptiness in the pit of their stomachs. For Sam this is such a new sensation that it takes him a few minutes to place what he is feeling, and once he does, he cant ignore it, he wonders how could Dean have function with such a feeling in his stomach, the only thing clear for Sam is that he doesn’t want to find out (but he is gonna do it anyway). Sam curls into himself, trying to appease the phantom pain threatening to eat him alive. For John, the experience is yet another dig to his ability to parent his kids, unlike Sam, his brain is going miles per hour conjuring different scenarios for his son. John remembers clearly hid eldest getting thinner and thinner from time to time when he was a teenager, now looking back he can recognize that that weigh lost happened when he left his sons alone for large periods of time, he always thought it was thanks to Dean´s metabolism, after all he had seen Dean stuffed his face with food every time they ate together, especially after he came back from a hunt, and Sam always looked well fed and Sam had better modals eating than Dean, who always ate like a man starved… Realization hits him like a freight train and John wants to get into his knees and ask for forgiveness, but it´s there anyway he can be forgiven?

After a few minutes the screen turns up again, the image shows a young Sam and Dean sitting in a motel room, Sammy is munching on a plate of mac and cheese while watching the small TV, meanwhile Dean is drinking a glass of water, taking small sips at the time. Dean waits until Sammy is distracted enough to stand up and start searching through the kitchen cabinets, John and Sam can see the cupboard is almost empty, which aligns with the nervousness Dean is feeling at the sight, Dean sits in the small kitchen table and spreads a couple coins in the table, he counts them once and once again, almost like praying that next time he counts there will be more. Desperation mixes with hunger giving a whiplash to the viewers watching.
The scene flickers at what seems a couple of hours later, Dean still sitting in the kitchen table seems to be deliberating something until he suddenly stands up, the action causing him to feel nauseous and making the whole scene spins. John cant figure out how his young son can still function with those feelings, his son should be resting instead of worrying about whether they have enough to eat, he wonders if this is the day when he… No, John cant go there, he is still clinging on the hope that that particular memory doesn’t make it here (he is praying really hard for it to not be there).
Sam almost vomits when Dean stands up, the vertigo he feels is to strong not to, he doesn’t understand, how can his brother be so selfless as to not to eat just so his little brother could? Sam would love to say he would do the same thing if the roles were reversed, but he is not entirely sure. What he is certain is that if that had happened he would have complained and yelled to his father the moment he had gotten home, fuck, he has done it before and he hasn’t even been hungry, he remembers complaining to his father because he was sick of mac and cheese and spaguettios and whatever other processed food that Dean normally bought, now an adult, that had gone to college on a scholarship, he can understand the merit to the act, those foods are normally cheaper than what Sam demanded. If Sam had known then what he is learning now, he would have stopped complaining and appreciate what Dean did for him, now the only comfort he has is that maybe he would be able to thank his brother if he wakes up (he has long stopped to say when)

The scene continues showing Dean walking down the street, at first it seems like he is walking without a fix destiny until he stops before crossing a street, John and Sam are confused as to why Dean has stopped till the scene shifts focus letting the adult Winchesters see what Dean is seeing and promptly making them wish they hadn’t, because they are watching a street full of young prostitutes offering their services. John doesn’t think he can see another scene like the ones before without suffering a panic attack, Sam is already clutching the bucket like a lifeline he is not ready.

Dean stays watching at the boys and girls gathering around the street lamps, indecision shinning on his eyes, he is careful enough not to draw attention to himself, he starts pacing but he stills when he sees the first man approaching one of the prostitutes; fear penetrates his body and makes him run away from his spot leaving John and Sam wondering the cause of it. That is until a couple blocks later, Dean starts to mutter:
-Get it together, Winchester- he mutters to himself- Sometimes you have to make tough choices, stop being a little bitch and do what you must. You already lost your cherry what is another more time. Sammy needs to eat- he says while his stomach grumbles- I also need to eat- he murmurs clutching his stomach.

Sam cant believe the words coming out of his brother´s mouth, has Dean self-esteem always been this bad? How can he beat himself off like that? How can he direct such cruel words to himself? How can Dean worry about him when he hadn’t eaten since who knows when?
John for his part is once again on the verge of a panic attack. The words his son is using to reproach himself sound familiar, maybe not in the same context, but the way he is telling them is the same way John normally would chide him to do something. How many times has he told his son to stop whining and get his shit together? How many times did he tell Dean that sometimes he had to make sacrifices for his family? The words “Take care of Sammy, no matter what” are coming back to haunt him.

Movement catches John and Sam eyes as they watch Dean approaching something, while a round of nausea makes the scene spins once more. Once the scene stops moving, they can see Dean approaching what seems like a small closed diner, Sam thinks his brother is going to break into the place and is surprised when Dean directs himself towards the alleyway behind the place.
Dean keeps walking until he is standing next to a trash container; he climbs inside searching for something until finally he pulls a half-eaten sandwich and without hesitation he bites into it, finishing it off in three bites, he also finds some chicken bones that he bites to take what little meat is still there, Dean´s stomach grumbles once more and he heaves a little, but he continues eating his “feast” without a care.

…And there goes Sam lunch. The scene makes him nauseous, he is not sure where Dean´s nausea stops and where his starts, but he is sure the line is thin. His big brother is eating out of a trash can. The food his brother is eating was taken out of a place probably containing bugs and rats and who knows what else, hell, his brother is inside a dumpster eating. Anger starts filling Sam´s body, anger directed at the man sitting next to him and a little to himself. If his father hasn’t been an obsessed bastard maybe they wouldn’t be in this position. Sam takes a deep breath and forces himself to calm down, looking at the green face of his father does wonders for his control, still, this is something they need to discuss and Sam is not letting this one go.
John´s lunch also makes an appearance, just when he thought the situation couldn’t possibly get worse, this happens. His son is eating the remains of someone else´s lunch because his damn father is too cheap to actually leave his sons with enough money for both of them to eat. His son is inside a trash can because his father left him in charge of his other son for an indeterminate amount of time. He failed as a father and every scene digs deeper and deeper.

The screen changes again, this time showing a different motel room than the last, John recognizes the name quickly and he steals a look to Sam who is still oblivious to why this place is important.
In the scene, Dean is feeling anxious, he counts the money he has and suddenly he is determinate to do something.
The next memories flash quickly on the screen, they show Dean deciding to enter a poker game with some older kids, they show him feeling more anxious as time go by and the already small money tower getting smaller and smaller until there is little to nothing left.
The flashes stop on a scene that shows Dean, eyes wet, inside a grocery store, trying and failing to find products that he can stretch so Sammy can eat. Dean finds a jar of peanut butter and a loaf of bread and looks at both sides before putting them inside his jacket. Dean makes a few rounds around the grocery store before directing himself to the exit, he can almost feel the freedom but he trips on the doormat making the jar and bread fly out of his jacket. And because of Winchester luck, that is the same moment when a police officer enters the store. Dean starts running not knowing exactly where to until he is tackle by the officer. An immediate fear invades him, having the older man on top of him makes him have a flashback of another man in this position, which causes him to try and defend himself, clocking the officer on the face. The man doesn’t take kindly to this action and starts manhandling Dean, subduing him like he was a dangerous criminal instead of a boy stealing food to eat. The scene ends with Dean handcuffed and in tears.
The whole memory gives Sam and John a whiplash. John is seething, he can feel the bruises forming into his son´s skin, nobody even bothers to ask his son why he was stealing food in the first place, he knows he is a hypocrite, he wasn’t exactly reassuring when he got the phone call, telling him what Dean has done, of course now knowing more information about what happened he can picture why his son went that road. John´s stomach sinks like lead, his only comfort is that surely his son doesn’t know that they call him, right?
Sam is angry, he can feel phantom bruises around his wrists, the cuffs are too tight to even allow circulation to the hands. Sam is also confused, when did this happen? As soon as he thinks that question, he remembers a couple months where Dean disappeared on a hunt, is this it? Sam was only eleven then, and never thought of questioning the story. Was Dean in jail instead of missing? And that begs the question, how come it took his dad so long to find his brother? Did they simply decide not to tell him the truth or something more sinister happen? Suspicious starts clouding his mind, but he decides against asking his father, he is not sure he is going to like the answer.

The scene changes once more until it shows an anxious defensive Dean siting in a couch while the police officer that arrest him is talking to an unknown man. Sam is smug to see the police officer has a shiner but he is confused as to why they are on a house instead of a precinct. The man on the screen asks the officer:
-So what did he take?
-Get this. Peanut butter and bread- the officer responds.
-Okay and how about family? -the man asks and that is exactly the same thing Sam is wondering
-Well- the officer says nonchalantly- His old man called, once he figured out what happened, he said “Let him rot on jail”

Static. That is the only thing in Sam´s brain at the moment. Did he just hear…?
John is horrified, he knows, oh, does he know what he said, but he always thought his son didn’t. Dean never asked him why he had let him on the Boy´s Home and John never told him either, when he lie to Sam about where his brother was once Dean was back, Dean didn’t contradict him, but then again, what exactly was he expecting his son to say? “Dad is a bastard, that let me rot for all he cared” “I could have been sent to juvie and dad wouldn’t care” “I was lucky” And John knows, after putting many spirits to rest, that Dean was lucky to find someone like the man in the screen, Sonny if he remembers correctly, at least he thinks so, nothing bad happened right? His son would have told him, but the lie tasted bitter in his mouth, he knows that if something bad had happened Dean wouldn’t have told him anything. John is curious as to why the scene hadn’t resumed itself until he spares a glance at Sam, who appears to be taking very long breaths, he is about to ask what is wrong, when his younger son turns to him, with a deadly voice:

-He is lying, dad, right?- Sam´s voice of steel cuts through the silence- The officer is just trying to get a rise of Dean, isn’t he?
-Sam, I…-John tries to respond before getting interrupted
-Because there is no way you told the officer to let Dean rot in jail. That would have been a douche move to the son that was always cleaning after you- Sam continues, getting angrier with each word.
-Sammy…-John starts saying before hanging his head, what can he possibly said that would justify his actions?
-You son of a bitch- Sam roars- You stupid obsessed bastard- he yells- You told the officers to let Dean rot in jail and what is worse you actually let him to rot. Him that has always been there for you, He who sacrificed his childhood for you. He who would have stood in front of a bullet for you. How dare you, you, ungrateful bastard? What excuse are you going to give me, you sorry excused of a father? Huh. I am waiting, you bastard- he asks angrily.

And John has no excuse. There is nothing he can possibly say, no excuse he can possibly give the would make any of this okay. He failed as a father, he was supposed to be the person protecting his sons, he should have been there for them, he shouldn’t have ever let them to fend for themselves to the degree that his oldest had to do inexplicable things for his and his brother survival. He gave up everything for revenge and for what for? What does he have left? A son that barely knows him and sees him more like a visitor than a father. Another son that hates his guts off and at the moment wouldn’t spit on him if he was on fire. And a son that doesn’t hate him, like his two youngest, no, Dean doesn’t hate him, instead his oldest hates himself and he has hated himself since he was younger, trying to reach an unreachable standard.

So lost is John in his own thoughts that he doesn’t see Sam´s fist until it cracks his nose.

Chapter Text

-Enough- The Trickster says appearing inside the room. The words fall on deaf ears as Sam continues punching and hitting his father letting all his anger out. John can barely defend himself against his son, not that he is making much of an effort, he knows he deserves this and more.

-I said enough- the Trickster says snapping his fingers, which returns both Sam and John to his seats. Sam tries to stand up, but Gabriel is quicker and ropes appear from behind the furniture securing an almost feral Sam to his seat.
-Release me- Sam screams
-No, enough is enough- Gabriel says
-You know what he did. He deserves to suffer- Sam spats
-What exactly is your plan here? Beating your father to death? - the Trickster asks incredulous- What would that accomplish?
-It would make me feel better
-And that would help Dean how exactly?- Gabriel asks pinning Sam with a look, but before Sam can answer, he continues- Yeah, I can see how that would go with your suicidal brother, to know he was the cause for you to kill your father.
-He would get over it- Sam says stubbornly, the sentence sounding weak in his own ears- Someone has to avenge Dean and if it has to be me, so be it- he says with heat
-Alright- The trickster says snapping his fingers, making the ropes disappear- Go on then. Take your revenge- he says- Just know that you are not avenging Dean by doing it, you are only doing it for you.
-Listen…-Sam starts before being cut off by Gabriel
-No, you listen- he says with fury in his eyes, making John and Sam recoil in their seats- You are not doing this for Dean, you are doing this for yourself. Just like you almost pushing the button was not on Dean´s benefice. So do us all a favor and drop the holier-than-thou attitude because from where I am standing, you are not looking so good either, bucko.

The fight seems to leave Sam at that moment. The corner of his eyes prickle with tears as he examines his bloodied knuckles. The Trickster is right, of course, he knows that this is exactly what Dean never wanted. How many time has Dean stepped between Sam and their father to prevent a fistfight? That is not to say he forgives his father, far from it, but he is not the one that has the right to feel angry about what their father did to Dean, especially when Dean´s suicide is not fully their father responsibility, Sam knows that even if until now most crimes against Dean has been fault of his father since Sam became teenager he has said and done things that helped pushing Dean towards the edge.

A silence fills the room, until the Trickster breaks it:
-Calm now?
-Yeah- Sam answers
-Good- Gabriel says, before snapping his fingers and partially healing John´s injures- Cant have you bleeding out, Jonny-boy
-Thanks- John says finally, still tasting the blood inside his mouth
-Don’t thank me- The Trickster says- Trust me, I didn’t do it for you. If it was up to me, I would have joined your son in giving you the beating you deserve. But as I already told Sammy over there, that wont help Dean. Now, can I trust you both to keep yourself in check? Or must I restrain you to your seats?- he asks
-We will behave- John says, Sam nodding along with his father.
-Good. Then I will leave you to your watching- but before disappearing Gabriel says- Oh and if I were you I would be thinking really hard as to how to atone for your actions- he adds before leaving

John turns to Sam, but the words get stuck in his throat, what can he possibly say now? The truth is he doesn’t deserve any forgiveness form neither of his sons, there are no words for what he did. Sam must have feel his father eyes because without turning he says:
-Leave it dad- he says
-Sam, I really want to…
-No- Sam interrupts him- Don’t say it. The Trickster was right. It is not me who you have to apologize to and it is not me who has to forgive you.
-I failed you too, Sammy, I mean, Sam- John says- Let me at least apologize for that- he pleads
-Yes, you did- Sam responds finally looking at his father- And don’t get me wrong you will have to atone for that sooner rather than later. But this isn’t about me, I am not the one who was driven towards suicide because my family couldn’t be bother to care. Because I always had Dean in my corner, but Dean didn’t have anyone to help him. Right now, we have to leave that behind and work together to try and get Dean back.
-We will get him back son- John says- You´ll see, and we will beg on our knees for forgiveness
-But will we deserve it?- Sam asks and to that John doesn’t have an answer

Chapter Text

The screen lights up once again, showing the memory that was interrupted. In the memory John and Sam can see Sonny take the cuffs off Dean´s hands, while he explains him how the boy´s home is run. There is not much going on and Sam is more focused in his bloody knuckles until he hears something that make his blood run cold:
-How do you know I wont run?- a young Dean asks Sonny, to which the man responds
-Because you have nowhere else to go- he says, leaving a Dean full of self-hate and regret behind

“You have nowhere else to go” Isnt that a quicker?, John thinks, he wants to scream that of course Dean has somewhere else to go, he has a family dammit, a family with a father that told the cop that arrest him to let him rot, a father that couldn’t be bother to leave enough money for his kids to be fed, no wonder Sam beat him up, if he could he would beat himself too, what has he done?
Sam is in pain, there is no other way to describe what he is feeling. Sam thought beating up his father would make him feel better, but it only made him feel empty. Beating up his father didn’t bring back Dean, it doesn’t change what already happened, it didn’t magically change everything, and the Trickster is right, he didn’t do it because he was trying to avenge Dean, he did it because he was angry. Sam is starting to lose hope that there is anything they can do to help Dean, but he is too selfish to even consider it.

On the screen, time speeds up a few hours until it shows Dean entering a bathroom in the boy´s home. Dean looks into the mirror and the words he utters break Sam and John hearts:
-You really screw up this time, didn’t you?- Dean tells his reflection- But then again what else could you expect for a useless fuck up like you? A cheap whore, with zero brains- he continues- No wonder your father doesn’t love you, you are disgusting. Are you going to answer me???- Dean screams before punching the mirror, over and over again. Feeling of pain and despair filling the room, self-hate permanently on his frame
Sam is cold once again, is this what Dean really thinks of himself? But is it really that surprising? After everything that he has learned from his brother is no wonder that Dean has no self-esteem. Sam gets colder when realization hits him as to why those words sound familiar, he has said those words to his brother in anger when he was a teenager. Perhaps not at this point of the past but later on he would utter those words to his brother that would confirm his insecurities and it would take him one step closer to his suicide.
John cant believe his ears. Never has he wished so fervently to take back something he said and did, is this what he made his son believed? Is this the lesson he taught him? That he was worthless? Horror and shame filled him and he wishes that Sam has finished what he started. He doesn’t deserve to live after what he did to his son. John remembers Dean´s bright smile when he was a toddler, playing and dancing around without a care, Mary and him watching their son, so thankful that Dean would grew up happy, if his youngest-self saw what would become of Dean, if Mary did… John can only hang his head in shame and regret, wishing he could turn back time, bud sadly he cant do that and the only thing he can do is bare witness of what his mistakes cause.

Still in the bathroom, Dean falls to his knees crying, pieces of broken glass surrounding him. His wailing sobs tear parts of Sam and John´s already broken hearths. After what seems like an eternity, Dean´s sobs finally slow down and he finally stands up. John recognizes the danger a second before they feel the pain, on the screen, Dean has stepped into a broken glass, he bends down to pick up the glass, and Sam and John can feel the pain of the small cuts that are appearing in Dean´s hands but Dean doesn’t seem to notice or care and he doesn’t stop until there is only one big piece left, this one he picks carefully and after a moment of hesitation he keeps it. Dean exits the bathroom, finishing the memory, leaving a strange of foreshadowing in his wake.

The next scene starts up, where Dean is standing in front of a classroom getting introduce. The image is surreal to Sam, long gone is the cocky teenager Sam remembers his brother being instead at the front of the class stands a shy kid. Dean sits in the back of the class and to the surprise of his family he starts taking notes diligently, but then again, Sam rationalizes, this school is meant to be the last for a very long time. These memories pass quickly showing Dean doing the same in every class and they finally slow down at lunch, where Dean is standing with a tray of food, insecurity creeping inside him when he sees there is no empty tables, he finally chooses an almost empty table. Dean clears his throat before asking the only girl sitting there:
-Hi, hmm, can I sit here?- he asks, and the Winchesters are in shock at hearing their normally suave brother/son speak with such insecurity
-I don’t know- the girl says, eating a fry- can you?
-I…- he says for lack of better words
-She is just messing with you, dude- A voice says from behind him and Dean turns around to come face to face with a tall muscled boy carrying his own tray- Sit down- Dean obliges- You are new right? One of Sonny´s?
-Ye-es- Dean mumbles
-Cool- the boy says- I am Steve. The one without modals over there is Alana- the boy says pointing at the girl.
-It´s Ally, asshole- she finally says- Don’t call me Alana, capiche? And what is your name Sonny´s boy?
-I am no one´s boy- Dean finally answers- I am Dean
-Well Dean- Ally says- If I were you I wouldn’t eat those burritos. They are made from the meat leftover from last month. Trust me- she says, but Dean just shrugs, they taste good enough to him
- So what did you do to get send to Sonny´s?- Steve asks, making Dean choke on his food.
-I punched a cop- Dean says half-truthing it. To his surprise Ally lets a deep laugh that Steve joins in.
-Oh man, then I definitely make the right choice letting you sit here. Tell you what, why don’t you come after class to the gym with me. I know a way you can let all that pent up anger go, if you catch my drift- he says lifting an eyebrow, and it makes Dean turned scarlet. Ally saves him from his embarrassment by saying:
-What this doofus is trying to say is that he wants you to join the wrestling team- she says while eating another fry- Honestly the team sucks and they are close to lose funds if they don’t win at least one match.
-We don’t suck, we are just… Okay so we do suck- Steve says- So what do you say Dean, you in?
-Yes, I am in- Dean finally answers smiling
-Great. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship- Steve concludes

The scene flash-forwards towards a wrestling practice where Dean is welcomed to the team. The feelings of happiness and ecstasy that fill him shower over the viewers, bringing smiles to their faces.
Sam feels happy that his brother is at least having a moment of normalcy in his life, he wonders how things would have been different if their mom hadn’t died, would this be Dean´s life? He joining a wrestling team, making sincere friends, no signs of toxic masculinity in his frame, laughing and goofing around?
John is having similar thoughts, this is the life he always wanted for his sons, he always thought that the hunting business would only be a couple of years before he left it, then the kids could have a normal childhood. Too late did he realize, that the more he hunted the more away he was from the apple life he always wanted for his family, and now watching these memories he can feel when he screwed up and just for a moment he pretends this is the life his son had, making honest friends and joining a sport teams, no traces of sadness in his step.

There is a pack of memories that pass in a flash. They show Dean getting acclimated to the school and to life at Sonny´s. These are good memories, happy almost if it wasn’t for the nostalgia that clouds them. It finally comes to a head, when the Winchesters see and feel an overwhelmed Dean sitting behind the school property head between his legs, and he only looks up when he hears someone approaching. The new person is a girl, maybe a year older than Dean, without saying anything she takes out a cigarette and offers one to Dean which he takes. They both light up their sticks and took a deep drag before the girl interrupts the silence:
-This is normally my place to cut classes- she says
-I am sorry- Dean apologizes
-Nah, don’t worry is nice to not be alone for a change- she says taking another deep drag- Panic attacks are a bitch, huh?
-Is that what it was?- Dean asks, coughing
-Yeah, cigarettes help. I am Skylar- she says offering her hand
-Dean- he answers, shaking her hand, before asking- How did you get those?- And for the first time John and Sam notice the small discoloration on the girl´s wrists, showing what appear to be old and new scars.
-Ha- the girl says- Well, those help too.
-You make those yourself?- Dean asks shocked- Why?- and even if Sam hadn’t caught yet where this is going, John has.
-I told you, they help. You should try it sometime. They help deal with the stress- she answers
-Really?- he asks
-Yes, see it like this, your skin is a canvas and you are the artist- she says before standing up and putting out her cigarette- Gotta run, but see you later Dean
-Thanks- Dean answers- See you- he calls out, before putting a hand inside his pocket, where Sam and John can feel a prickle in the thumb, their fears are confirmed when Dean takes out the piece of broken glass from it. In the glass, they can see Dean´s eyes mesmerized by it, before the scene comes to a close, leaving them feeling weak to their stomachs. Foreshadowing clinging to the ambient, leaving a sour taste on his wake.

Chapter Text

John is not ready to see what happens next, he doesn’t want to; he empirically knows that his son has been suicidal for a long time, but he can’t bear to know that it is has been this long, what is worse he was the one to push him over the edge, he who was supposed to protected him, he who was supposed to comfort him, he who abandoned him the moment his son made a “mistake” that he wouldn’t have committed if it wasn’t for him.
Sam is in despair and already in tears, his brother was always his pillar, Dean always protected him, he always made sure he was happy, he gave up everything for him, and Sam repaid him by ignoring him and making him feel even more worthless. Sam knew his brother had self-worth issues but he always blamed his father instead of trying to comfort his brother and now he wonders if he will ever have the opportunity to help his brother.

The screen lights up and Sam and John let out a deep breath, they thought they would see a scene of Dean with bloodied wrists but instead they are seeing a young Dean sitting with Sonny inside a diner. In the scene, Dean is thanking Sonny for helping to have the charges against him drop. A swell of pride suddenly invades Dean when Sonny utters the words “I am proud of you”

“I am proud of you”, when was the last time he said that to his son, John is not sure and deep shame fill him, it takes one crappy father to not remember when was the last time he provided any kind of compliment to his own kid, the same kid that did everything to win his approval, the same one that sacrificed everything for him, the only one of his kids that for some reason still loves him and hell if that isn’t a punch to the gut that the only one of his kids that was always there is the one he treated the worst.
Sam is happy as tears run down his face. He is happy that at least someone told those words to Dean, heavens know that Dean never heart them from his so called family. Bobby might have told them to Dean (and Sam is sure that Bobby did more than once) but it is nice to know that someone else appreciate Dean as his family clearly haven’t.

Wariness fill the room, pulling the Winchesters out of their musings. In the screen, Sonny is interrogating Dean about his “satanic” practices and honestly Sam doesn’t blame him. Sam, out of the three Winchesters, knows better how their normal routines are perceived by outsiders, those were the same reasons why he stopped doing them. John, on the other hand, is now realizing how those looked by the general public, and how they could have gotten his son in trouble if someone less open minded has been in charge of him, he shivers with the thought. The wariness is soon replaced by protectiveness when Dean exclaims:
-Well, it’s a family thing, so I cannot really talk about it- he says, and sadness suddenly fills him when Sonny responds:
-Same family that left you here? -he questions and dread fills the room coming from all the Winchesters because that is what happened, isn’t it? The ones that always proclaimed that family is more important than anything are the same people that are constantly leaving but still hope that Dean is there when they need him.

Suddenly a new emotion joins the sadness. On the screen a young waitress has approached the table, and when Dean looks up he feels something warm inside him. The girl, Robin, smiles at him and Dean smiles back and for a second Dean and the viewers get lost in the warmness of the moment. Dean first crush, Sam thinks and hopes that at least something good can come out of this mess. John looks at the scene and not for the first time wishes that this was the life his sons had grew up in, no monsters, no quest for revenge, just normal teenager problems and experiences, like the innocence of a first crush, no tainted by abandonment or sadness.

Of course the little warm bubble cant last and the current scene is replaced by another. In here, Dean is sitting at the edge of his bed at Sonny´s, he is wearing a short-sleeve shirt and if the feelings of self-hate weren’t a red flag as their own, the piece of glass that Dean has between his hands is. Dean looks at his reflection in the broken glass and whispers:
-Your family doesn’t want you- he tells himself- Why would they want a worthless piece of scum like you? They abandoned you because they cant even stand looking at you, you failure of a human. Sonny doesn’t care either, he is just a good man that wants to help, but be honest with yourself Dean. If you die today would someone miss you?- Dean laughs mirthless- Of course not. And that girl, Robin? Do you think she would even want you? Maybe she would, she is a nice girl, but you don’t deserve her affection, because while you may look pretty, on the inside you know what you really are, just a cheap used whore- Dean finishes crying and before the Winchesters even breath, Dean grabs the glass making cuts inside his left wrist.

John loses all the color of his face along with the contents of his stomach. His son feels worthless and it is his fault. John lets violent sobs, hearing what his son actually thinks of himself, it breaks his already shattered heart to hear his son saying those horrible things to himself. He drove his brave little boy towards self-harming. Where did the boy that made friends with the clients of the garage and strangers on the bus go? Mary used to say that Dean would make even a rock smile if given enough time and after watching him made friends with one of his grumpy customers John agreed, but now there is nothing left of that innocent smiling boy, and if he thought it would work John would plead to go back and retrieve him and revert every mistake he ever did, but now the only thing he can do is stare as his eldest cuts through his skin, nothing but self-hate left.
If Sam could he would reach his father and strangle him with his own hands, as it is, Sam is frozen in his spot. Sam never once understood the phrase “Like watching a train wreck” until now, he always prided himself with keeping a cold head when face with a deadly situation, but now he can only watch frozen as his brother keeps cutting and cutting. He hears loud sobs and a broken scream and it takes him a few minutes to realize that he is the one screaming. The already real situation just got realer, he is now watching the ways their childhood affected Dean and it is no wonder how they got here.

A commotion is heard on the screen as Sonny enters the room and struggles with Dean till he finally takes the bloody glass away of him. Dean falls to his knees crying and Sonny pulls him up in a one armed hug. No words are spoken for a while until Dean finally says:
-Why can I never be enough for him?- he whispers. Sonny catches up quickly as to who Dean is talking about and he responds:
-I don’t know Dean- he answers truthfully- but I do know that this is not the solution to your problems- he says showing him the bloody knife- C´mon, stand up, let me take care of those- Sonny says helping Dean to his feet.
The scene flashes a couple of minutes until Dean is sitting in the living room, with Sonny cleaning his wound, there is an oppressive silence that is finally broken by Sonny saying:
-You really made quite a mess in here- he says with a soft voice- but I don’t think they will scar.
-How do you know I was…?- Dean says making a gesture towards his injured wrist
-I didn’t- Sonny says after a while- I actually came up to apologize.
-About?- Dean asks confused
-About what I said in the diner- Sonny responds- I should have never said that thing about your family or the whole think about your symbols. Beliefs are beliefs, and they should be respected.
-You don’t have to apologize- Dean says- It is not like it isn’t truth, my father let me here to rot because I am a failure….
-Hey, hey- Sonny interrupts- Don’t say that. You are only human, Dean, we all make mistakes, yours wasn’t even that bad. Some of us make even worse mistakes and we are still forgiven. I don’t want you saying those things of yourself, Dean. It is a dangerous path
-How would you know?- Dean asks- You seem to have a real nice life
-I do now. But I wasn’t always like this- Sonny responds- I know it sounds like a walking cliché but life does get better
-Yeah, when?- Dean scoffs
-Well, I would like to think you are not doing so bad yourself- Sonny responds finishing patching up Dean- Come here- he says, directing Dean towards a mirror- You know what I see when I look at you in here, I see a brave boy, who fate dealt a rough hand but is able to overcome it, if only he gives himself the chance- Sonny says, squeezing Dean´s shoulder
-I am sorry- Dean says with tears in his eyes
-Don’t apologize to me Dean- Sonny responds- Look at yourself in the mirror and whenever you are ready apologize to yourself, please.
-Thank you, Sonny- Dean says after a while of looking at himself in the mirror- For not giving up on me
-You got me, son. Everything will be okay- Sonny says, giving Dean a hug.

The scene changes once again and this time it shows Dean a couple of days later sitting in the school cafeteria, eating lunch with the boy from the wrestling team, Steve. They are eating quietly before Ally approaches them and proceeds to seat down with her own lunch and says:
-Anybody interested in trading?- she says, in lieu of a greeting- Mom packed me up with a tuna sandwich and I hate tuna.
-Back off- Steve responds- I brought pizza, no way I am changing it for tuna
-I will trade you- Dean speaks- I got peanut butter and jelly, if you want.
-Thank you, Dean- Ally responds, exchanging sandwiches with Dean- You are a great friend, unlike other people sitting here- she says signaling Steve
-Oh please, as if you would have trade pizza for tuna- the boy responds in good nature- Suffer the consequences of your actions, Alana-banana- he mocks
-Well, Steven- Ally mocks back- At least I am only going to suffer at lunch, unlike you who will suffer at geography when you realize you forgot to make the essay that was due today, but to each their own- she taunts, taking a bite of the sandwich.
All color drains of Steve´s face and he hastily stands up, murmuring something about library before running off. Dean takes another bite of his food before saying:
-You know the essay is for tomorrow, don’t you?- he asks uncertainly
-Of course I do- Ally says- But Steve doesn’t- she laughs, Dean joining soon after. She sobers up before adding- I actually wanted to talk to you Dean- she says with a serious tone. Dean´s back stiffens and the nervousness of the situation fills the room, making Sam and John wary
-About?- Dean asks insecure
-Those wont make anything better- the girl says and Dean understands what she means because the next moment he covers his injured wrist.
-It was a mistake- Dean whispers- Please don’t tell anybody
-Hey, its okay- the girl responds with a kind voice- I get it, I just wanted to say that if you ever need something, you can tell me okay? You are not alone- she adds taking Dean´s hand in her own- And just in case you forget- she says- Here, this is for you.
Ally gives Dean a bracelet. A thick black band that John and Sam recognize as the one that Dean always wear. Heavy emotion is felt in the room as Dean takes the bracelet with reverence and delicacy. His big green eyes shine with unspoken tears and affection as he thanks Ally profusely. John thinks that his son is going to say something else, but before he can, the tender scene is interrupted by Steve yelling loudly:
-You, lying witch. The essay is for tomorrow- he screams without so much heat, prompting Ally and Dean to burst out laughing, before the scene ends.

Something churns in Sam´s stomach. This is Dean, his brother, as his happiest time. This is him finally feeling accepted. This is him healing. He knows that this story will be short lived. His brother is living in borrowed time, soon enough, they will appear and take him out of this safe environment, and all the healing he is having will be lost. The self-hate will grow and grow until one-day Dean would drown in a motel tub, after being abandoned by his family.
John, for his part, is quiet, crying silent bitter tears, once again mourning Dean´s childhood. Asking himself would it have been worse if he had left Dean at the boy´s house, letting him heal with the knowledge that his father had abandoned him or is it worse that he went for him after letting him have a taste of what a normal life was like, showing him what he could never have?

The scene changes and this time it shows Dean with the waitress from the diner, Robin. The girl is teaching Dean how to play the guitar, while they converse. Dean isn’t paying attention to the lessons though, his feelings betray him to his family. John and Sam feel the butterflies Dean is feeling in his stomach, the feelings of first love quickly invading the room. Sam can almost savor the good moment until a question makes it crash down as Robin asks whether Dean enjoys what his father´s do. Just a few days ago, Sam would have bet the answer was yes, but now it doesn’t surprise him when Dean says no, it is obvious by now that Dean always kept what he felt quiet, not feeling safe enough to exclaim what he truly felt to the family, that clearly never had his back.
On the screen, Robin asks what Dean wanted to do and the next sentence breaks the older Winchesters´ hearts, maybe because it is the most truthfully and passionate sentence that Dean has spoken in a while:
-Cars are freaking cool as hell- he exclaims, passion in his voice that leaks in the room- Fixing them is like a puzzle. And the best part is, that when you are done, you are no longer responsible for them.
And doesn’t that say something, John thinks. John can feel a pang in his heart, Dean, who John made responsible since he was four, longed to not feel responsible for once. Dean wanted to have a normal job, and probably a partner, and a white picket fence, and a family, and… it doesn’t matter because John would have never allowed his son to have that, because he was so trapped in his own revenge, ruining his life, that he didn’t see that he ruined his sons lives in the process and now the only thing left are the corpses of broken dreams and the corpse of his oldest son.

On the screen, Robin kisses Dean and Dean confesses blushing that Robin is his first kiss. And for that Sam is happy. He is happy that at least Dean got a happy first, because with all the crap that the world had thrown in his brother´s shoulders, at least there is a good normal memory in there. One that hopefully can bring Dean comfort, one thing at least that Dean got to enjoy.

The next memory is a happy one, the Winchesters can tell. Dean is sitting in the bleachers of the school auditorium, dressed in his wrestling uniform. The wrestling tournament is about to start and the school mascot, a wolf, sits beside Dean, before removing the head of the costume, reveling Ally underneath. Dean offers her a bottle of water, before he says:
-Thought it was illegal to remove the head of the costume?- he teases
-Only if I worked at Disney, babe- she responds back, taking a sip of water
-But what about the team spirit? What about the magic?- Dean says making exaggerating mocking gesture.
-Oh fuck off, asshole- she says in good nature, shoving him to the side. Dean laughs before saying:
-You have to tell me sometime how you ended up being the school mascot- he says
-Not much to say- Ally responds- Mom told me to try for the cheerleading squad, I agreed, her mistake for not specifying- she laughs. Something crosses Dean´s face but it is too fast for the Winchesters to actually decipher, Ally doesn’t seem to have the same problem because she adds with a soft tone- It is all about the small rebellions, Dean.
-Wasn’t she mad?- Dean asks fearfully
-She was livid- Ally responds, a thoughtful expression in her face- She wanted me to be more like her, but I am not her and I wont pretend to be someone I am not to please her- she says. The affection in the air is clear, it is clear that Ally and Dean understand each other in a way that John and Sam clearly don’t. There is clearly a deep friendship bond between the two, and for a moment they stay in their own bubble. The moment is broken by Ally saying:
-Well, I was actually just coming to wish you luck, kick their asses or something- the girl says
-Hey, where is my good luck wish, Ally?- Steve says joining them
-Kick his ass, Dean- Ally says without turning, before standing up and walking towards the court.
-Hey, wont they put you in jail for taking your head off?- Steve yells after her. Ally doesn’t even turn before she flips him the bird. Dean and Steve burst out laughing, before Dean says:
-Dude, how are you even friends?- he asks between laughs
-It´s the trauma- he answers- We know each other since we were like two, we live next to each other and we have always gone to the same schools and basically had the same schedule. She is the little sister I don’t want- he finishes with a smile. Dean smiles back before they both stand up to go to the field.

The competition itself passes in a flash, with Dean clearly coming out victorious. Sam doesn’t understand half of what is happening in the screen, but the victorious and happy mood of his brother is contagious and he lets himself be swept by the mood, clapping and cheering loudly when Dean wins.
John is proud. He is so damn proud of his son for this accomplishment. His pride however is mixes with sadness when he spots Sonny clapping Dean in the back congratulating him, he should have been the one there for Dean when he won, he should have been the one Dean was looking in the audience for, he should have been the one clapping his son back, yelling and cheering, he should have been, but he obviously wasn’t and that thought only leaves guilt at its wake

The next memory starts and this time is Dean smoking a cigarette outside school, the girl from before, Skylar next to him, smoking her own. There is a tense air between them and the silence is broken by the girl:
-Hear you are taking Robin to the dance?- she says
-Yeah- Dean responds- I am
-Cute- she says
-Sky, listen- Dean says- I could help you, if you…
-I don’t want or need your help- the girl interrupts angrily- And you are kidding yourself if you think that you can just pretend to be normal. Sooner rather than later you are going to realize there is no getting better and no amount of wrist band will be able to cover up- she spats before stalking off, throwing her cigarette away.
Dean watches her go, despondently. Self-doubt quickly rising inside him, but he pushes it out quickly, he takes a deep breath and the self-doubt recedes, leaving only a tint of sadness in his wake. He doesn’t know it yet but this is the beginning of the end.

The next scene starts quickly enough and it shows Dean getting ready for the dance, looking at himself in a body-length mirror. He smiles as he tells himself:
-You got this, Winchester- he says- You are taking Robin to the school dance and maybe later for ice-cream. You are a good guy and you will make this work. You will be the perfect gentleman and you would give Robin one of the best nights of her life. Maybe she will even kiss you- he says before adding, this time more serious- Listen, I know, I normally say shit about myself when I look in the mirror but this time I want to say I am proud of you, you got this- he says smiling- Now, if only I could get this noose- he says before turning back as Sonny enters the room
All good feelings are quickly sucked out of the room as Sonny tells Dean that John is outside, waiting for him. Dean´s face twists in a way that indicates that he is trying hard not to cry, a lone tear escapes his eye without his permission. The hopelessness and despair he is feeling fills him as Sonny explains that John already said no to leave Dean have at least this night.
Cold dread fills John, he remembers, oh, does he remembers the man at the home pleading him to at least let Dean have this night before he drags him away, and he remembers laughing at such a ridiculous notion, because Dean could have wanted that, right? Dean knew the importance of their job, and he knew not to waste his time in those events. Oh, yes, their super important job that just sucked the healthy energy and the good feelings out of his son. John remembers rationalizing that there will be time later on for such superficial acts, like school dances and wrestling matches, there will be time, except, well, time already ran out.

Sam knows how this is going to end, he knows it because he lived it, still, when he hears Sonny telling Dean he would stick his neck for him if he wants, he wishes Dean takes the opportunity, that he says to hell with the hunt and goes to the dance with Robin, that he stays in a school and studies to be a mechanic, that he opens his own garage and maybe makes his own family, removing himself from the monster´s world. It is just wistful thinking, really, the past is already set in stone. That doesn’t make it hurt less when Sam realizes that his brother returned because of him. There is no denying that Dean was doubting his decision until he saw him in the Impala playing with a toy plane. Sam´s heart breaks once more. This isn’t supposed to be Dean´s job, he is supposed to have what he had at Sonny, he shouldn’t be responsible for him, but, a small part of Sam, is glad Dean returned because he cant imagine a life without his big brother in it. And that thought makes Sam hates himself a little bit more.
Dean says goodbye to Sonny and climbs into the Impala, he hugs Sam, before turning back to watch the house. He keeps watching through the window long after Sonny´s disappears from view. Sorrow and regret the only thing left, along with an ever growing numbness that threatens to overwhelm him.

A new scene starts, with the sound of flesh pounding unto flesh. John and Sam are sickened at seeing Dean in a bed, two other men in the room with him, one clearly pushing inside Dean´s mouth and another pushing inside Dean´s ass. The act lacks any tenderness or care, but the thing that terrifies the adult Winchesters the most is the cold numbness and resignation that Dean is feeling, long gone is the happiness and joy of previous memories. The men finish almost at the same time, one coating Dean´s back with fluids, the other one his face. Dean grabs a towel to clean himself up before extending his hand. One of the men gives him a wad of cash and the other one offers him a cig, which he takes. The men leave laughing and Dean turns off the cig off inside his thigh, barely flinching when he does it, even though the pain makes John and Sam jump in their sits. Dean cleans himself with the towel with cold detachment, before directing himself towards the bathroom.
The last part of the memory John and Sam see is Dean making his way towards the shower, never once even glancing at the cracked mirror.

Chapter Text

After that last memory, John stands up from his seat. After what he saw he can’t stay seated., so he stands and take a good look at the room where him and Sam are sitting. The room is cozy (so different from the rooms where he used to put his kids at), the room´s temperature is perfect (unlike the motel rooms his kids stayed at growing up that most often than not had busted AC or calefaction), the room is also spinning, or maybe is his head the one that is spinning. John´s eyes burn from spilled and not spilled tears. No for the first time he wonders how he could have fucked up so badly, that the brightest time on Dean´s life was the months he was away from him. His vision roams around the room until his eyes settle unto a corner where a food table has miraculous appear, or maybe it has been there the whole time and he is only now noticing. John approaches the table, there is a variety of food in it, mostly desserts and products that you can find in a bakery, all of it fresh (unlike the food Dean was forced to consume growing up). John fills two plates if only because he needs to feel like he is doing something.

Sam is hugging his knees in his seat, he may be rocking himself a little, trying to comfort himself. The act itself is a long cry from what he is used to. It doesn’t take long for Sam´s brain to recognize why the action seems foreign and why it barely brings any comfort. In the worst moments in Sam´s life, Dean was the one there to help him get through it, his big brother had never let him fall and did Sam do the same for him? Well, the answer is blinking in front of him isn’t it? Because Dean was always there for Sam at his worst, most recent example being when Jess died, but Sam was never there for Dean. Until recently Sam would have said that he was an expert at knowing Dean but now, now he is realizing he barely knows anything about his brother.
A plate full of food appears at Sam´s side and Sam takes it, noticing how his father´s hand is terribly shaking. The guilt in John´s face is evident and a dark part in Sam´s brain whispers “good, he deserves to feel guilty”, but Sam pushes that thought away as quickly as it appeared. Yes, maybe his father deserves to feel guilty, but so does he. Sam eats mechanically a little portion of the food if only to keep his thoughts busy, the food smells delicious, but to Sam every bite taste like sand, he cant enjoy any of it, not after what happened.

The Winchesters “finish” eating and only then the screen lights up again, both of them bracing themselves for impact.

The scene starts showing a young Dean and Sam getting out of the Impala in front of a school that Sam quickly recognizes as Truman High School, his brain brings back good memories and he cant for the life of him think why this would be a bad time for Dean until it hits him, it was the first high school where they spent more time at after Dean “went missing” and it was also one of Dean´s last schools before he drop out. The knowledge gives little to no comfort to Sam, who hopes against all that maybe this memory will be good.
In the memory, Dean is asking Sammy if he has everything he needs in a way that parents normally do for their children and after everything John doesn’t know why he is so surprised that Dean was a better parent that John ever was. Sammy starts complaining about the number of schools they have been at, and Dean is quick to try and reassured him, but his attempts fail when Sammy reminds him that they would still go to another school after this one before he turns to enter the school. The Sam in the screen doesn’t notice, but the Sam in the room is suddenly hit with the feeling of contempt emanating from his brother, fuck, would it have killed him to appreciate his brother´s efforts?
John doesn’t know how to feel when he is hit with Dean´s feelings, he knew Sam wasn’t happy going from school to school, but never to this extent. Then again, he also thought that Dean was content with the life they got and that isn’t true either is it? John´s brain brings him back to the numerous time when Bobby asked him to leave the boys at his house, when Jim asked the same, hell, even fucking Caleb have offered, but he always brush their concerns off claiming that the boys were okay and that they were his responsibility and that he knew what he was doing and isn’t that exploiting in his face at the moment?

The scene flashes until it shows Dean entering his classroom, the Winchesters watch Dean put on the act of a bad boy almost instantly and honestly if they haven’t been watching a feeling everything Dean has been through, they would almost believe it, but they know better. Even if they didn’t, the class is a dead giveaway, because Dean is paying attention when he thinks nobody notice, because Dean is muttering the answers seconds before his classmates answer, because they have already seen Dean perform in a normal setting and they know what he is capable off even if Dean doesn’t longer believe himself capable of it.

The next scene shows Dean kissing a blond girl they had seen sitting in Dean´s classroom. Dean explains the girl about how his dad is out of town and how his brother and him are alone. And John wants to scream at Dean to not give anything away before he stops himself, its funny how hindsight works, when he gave the order to Dean to keep quiet about his personal life, he always told himself it was for the best, that he couldn’t afford someone thinking anything was wrong, but now hearing his words out of Dean´s mouth and seeing the blond girl´s horrified face, he can recognize them from what they are, lies he told to excuse his shitty parenting skills, because he was selfish and arrogant enough to let his kids have a better life.
Sam is not surprised by the girl, he thinks her name is Amanda, reaction. But there is something bothering him about the scene until it clicks. The movements and expressions Dean make are fake, this is not what his brother would naturally react, specially comparing it with how he was with Robin. It hits Sam again that Dean´s heart is not in this, not in the flirting or the false bravado he is trying to convey, Dean is only putting up an act and going through the motions, which would explain why his feelings are almost null. Dean is closing himself off to the world and there is nothing Sam can do to stop it.

Anger. That is what John and Sam feel as the new memory flashes in and it doesn’t take long to see why. In the screen, Sammy is sitting with a black eye while Dean promises to kill the kid that hurt Sam. Anger steps down to give place to fear and if John finds more place to hate himself when he hears Dean say “if dad where here” with a shaky tone, its obvious that Dean thinks that if John had known what happened he would have blame him (its not a lie either).
The scene progresses with Sammy calling himself a freak while Dean fidgets trying to find anything to say to him. Present Sam feels awful for dumping that on Dean´s already filled plate, but at the same time he allows himself to smile a little at seeing Dean being ready to help him when he needed it.
Dean confesses that Amanda wants him to meet her parents, the comment being brushed off by past Sam, but in the present both Sam and John can feel the anxiety rolling out of Dean at the prospect and then the scene cuts through a close.

Next scene is of Dean snogging a brunette inside the janitor´s closet, before a knock and the opening of a door separates them, reveling an angry Amanda. Dean tries to apologize but he is swiftly brush off and the Winchesters can feel the relief Dean feels.
Sam´s brain short circuits, wait, relief? John understands it better though, he sees the way Dean is pushing the girl away, he is starting to see himself in his son and for the first time he realizes that himself is the last thing he wants to see in any of his sons.
Dean´s relief is short lived and the next thing that happens completely destroys him:
-You spent so much time trying to convince people you are cool. But inside we both know you are just a sad, lonely little kid and I feel sorry for you- Amanda tells him before walking out with her friends, the whole hall judging Dean as he (and Sam and John) feels his skin crawl from under him and his eyes tickle.
The scene fast forwards till both Sammy and Dean get into the Impala to a new school.

The Winchesters think that is the end of that day but the scene keeps speeding up until it stops at a random gas station. Dean tells his family he is going to the bathroom, he enters the dirty place and he stops in front of the mirror, before uttering:
-Wow Winchester, you really are a freak. You ruined everything you touch. Nobody loves you. You don’t deserve anything. You are nothing and if you die nobody would care. Amanda was right, you are nothing but a fraud- he says, before pulling his pocket knife out, he without hesitation starts to make lines with it into his wrists, blood flowing freely, self-hate pouring out his pores, the blade lingers far too long for the ones watching before Dean abruptly puts it in his pocket and grabs a paper towel to stop the flow, casting one last glare at his reflection before exiting the bathroom.
The scene comes to a close and Sam and John don’t longer know if the self-hate they feel is a residue of Dean´s or themselves.

Chapter Text

The screen lights up, this time showing a man in his 40´s laying in the center of a bed, clearly naked under a blanket, sipping on a beer while a young Dean is collecting his clothes and getting dressed, his hips covered in bruises.
The scene makes Sam want to claw his eyes out, he cant bear seeing these scenes of Dean selling his body with the knowledge that his big brothers did it for him, so he would never go hungry, so he could have everything he needed. Sam wants to hunt every single one of these pervs that paid his clearly underage brother, he wants to make them suffer like they clearly made Dean suffered. The small voice inside his head, the one that has always been present inside him (the one that scares him), whispers to burn the bastards alive and dance on their ashes, but Sam quickly shuts the voice off, even if the idea has its merit, that wont help present Dean, it would only be an outlet for Sam´s anger.
John feels impotent watching the scene and he knows there is no one to blame but himself. The numbness and detachment Dean is feeling at the moment makes it even worse. John was never once to talk with his sons about their feelings and emotions, but he would give everything he has to go back in time so he could hug Dean strongly and talk and comfort his eldest, then maybe the present would be different, but those are only fever dreams and the regret John is feeling was too little too late.

-Are you sure I cant tempt you to stay here all night?- the man on the bed asks Dean- I can reimburse you for your time- the man says with a lecherous smirk.
-Can´t do, honey- Dean answers, with a fake seductive face- Wish I could, though. But I have responsibilities- Dean says, feigning regret, inner feelings betray him, he feels anything but. Dean tries to make a retreat but the man on the bed catches his wrist with a bruising grip.
-Responsibilities other than looking pretty?- he asks, making all the red flags in the Winchesters (past and present) go off- You should let me take care of you, baby. You wouldn’t have to worry about a thing, I would give you everything your heart desire. You would only have to be available for me at any time I wanted you- the man says, patting down Dean´s crotch with his free hand, the other one still griping Dean´s wrist tightly- Imagine it, babe. Me returning to the house to find you tied up and naked in my bed, all eager for me- the man finishes, finally letting Dean´s wrist go.
-Sorry, honey- Dean answers clearly spooked, but with the fake smile still on his face- I could never just settle for one person. I am much of a slut for that- Dean tells him
-I guess you truly are. But still, such a beautiful whore you are that I had to offer. Here- the man says giving a card and a wad of cash to Dean- A tip for your services and my number in case you change your mind.
Dean takes them, mumbling a thanks before hastily leaving the room. He walks at least three blocks, before he gets inside an alley and loses his stomach.

And lose their stomachs John and Sam do.
John´s brain is short-circuiting. Terrible thoughts running wild in his mind. John knew his son has been in danger before, hell, the only thing that somehow mollifies his angst is knowing that Dean “survived” all that. But that doesn’t stop his thoughts from running wild when he sees the deadly grip the perv has on Dean´s wrist. What would have happened if the man (or any other) had decided to carry out his desires, Dean´s consent be damned? What then? Would John have had a chance to save his son? Or, and this is the thought that terrifies John, would he have eventually gotten a call from some police officer asking him to identify a body in a morgue in some forgotten town? A body with injuries that no one should have, let alone a boy, his boy? Or even worse, would he have returned to the motel, a worried Sam receiving him, telling him that he hadn’t seen Dean on days? Would they have found his body? Or would have Dean become a statistic, just another missing person, whose family never have a closure? These particular fears never crossed John´s mind but they are now seared in his brain, reminding him of how close he had been to lose everything.
Dean´s terrified face will forever be seared in Sam´s brain. Sam can still hear Dean´s speeding pulse in his ears. All color drains from his face, how close were they from losing Dean? How long would it have been before they realized Dean was missing? Would they have ever found out what had happened? Would they have even looked? Or, and Sam is ashamed of thinking this, would he have wrongfully assumed his brother had bailed, moving on in their lives none the wiser of the horrors Dean had suffered? That thought itself, makes Sam’s head spin.

On the screen, Dean rests a little before standing up in wobbly legs and walking in the dark night, finally stopping in front of a motel room, the boy takes a deep breath before quietly opening the door of the room. Surprise makes him (and the viewers) jump when they heard a small voice said:
-Where were you?- Sammy asks from where he is sitting in the motel room with only a lamp and various papers covering a table.
-Out- Dean responds with a shaky smile- I was hustling some cash.
-Yeah right- Sammy responds shortly
-What is that supposed to mean?- Dean asks defensively, fear clouding him
-I am not an idiot, you know?- Sammy says- I know you were out with a girl.
-Well- Dean says after a pause, fake smile in his face- you know me, but I did hustle us some cash to last us until dad is back
-Yeah, and when will that be?- the youngest asks angrily crossing his arms
-I don’t know, Sammy. Probably soon- Dean responds trying to placate Sammy
-Oh good, so only a few days until we have to leave, again, to another school, again- Sammy mumbles sarcastically.
-Hey, man, calm down- Dean says, approaching the boy at the table- what is the matter, buddy?
-What is the matter? You wanna know what my fricking matter is?- Sammy yells standing up so fast that he knocks Dean- My freacking problem is dad and his stupid rules.
-Sammy…- Dean says shocked from the floor
-No, don’t you Sammy me. I am sick and tired of dad and his hunts and him leaving us in motel rooms in the middle of nowhere and us having us to move all the time. I am sick off starting in a new school every month and trying to make friends only for losing them in a short amount of time. I hate that I miss all the important lessons and tests. I just want to be normal- Sammy says finishing his tirade.
-Look, Sammy- says Dean slowly getting up- I understand this is though but…
-You understand? You? Understanding? Don’t make me laugh. You may not want to do anything with your life but I am different- Sammy interrupts once again
-What is that supposed to mean?- Dean asks, expression numb
-It means that you don’t know what you are talking about. All your life the only thing you have ever done is doing what dad tells you to do. Do you even think for yourself? Do you use your brain at all?- Sam says crowding Dean´s space, not noticing the fear and sadness Dean´s is feeling at this moment, the Sam of the present doesn’t have that problem and feels horrified- Honestly Dean, you are only good to follow orders. The only other two things you use your brain is for eating and fucking. Honestly how could you expect to know better if you don’t even go to school, I mean at the rate you are going I will finish high school before you. All my friends think you are stupid or something and honestly I think I agree- Dean looks as he has been slapped, he makes a noise but Sammy finishes by saying- You are nothing but dad´s puppet and I refuse to be dragged with you. I am going out to get some ice- he finishes before storming out, leaving a numb Dean behind.
Dean, face full of tears, despair emanating from him, mechanically stands up and shuts himself in the bathroom, where he pulls his pocket knife and starts slicing his forearms, dead eyes looking intensely into the knife.

Just when Sam thinks the scene can´t get worse, it flash-forwards to the next morning when Dean, broken smile in his face and numb to his bones, goes to their then high school to ask for his papers, officially dropping out, his eyes looking deader after the paperwork is finished. The scene ends shattering Sam´s heart.
Fuck, Sam thinks, he never meant for this to happen, he was just so angry all the time when he was younger, he never once appreciated what his oldest brother was doing for him. Sam wants to crawl his eyes out watching Dean´s broken expression and knowing he contributed to put it there. He may blame their father for the situation that they are in at the moment, but the truth is, deep down, Sam knows that while John put Dean at the edge, he was the one that push his big brother. Sam pushed when he should have pulled Dean up and isn’t that even worse? Sam failed Dean, he took his anger out of him and now he has to do the one thing he has never done and that is face the consequences of his actions, without his big brother to make everything better.
John is speechless, he looks subtly at Sam, he wants to shake his son and ask him how he could have said such cruel things to Dean? Wasn’t he supposed to be the one between the two of them to know better? But then again, where would have Sam learned any better with him as an example? John that always berated Dean the minute things went even slightly wrong, John who always told Dean to suck it up and swallow his emotions, John who never once thank Dean for anything he did, John who barely rarely if ever showed Dean any sign of affection, John who never apologize. The thing that makes him angrier about the situation is knowing Sam is only repeating what his father taught him, what he saw his father do. John wants to go back and hug Dean, to thank him for everything he did, to apologize for all the harsh words and punishments Dean didn’t deserved, more important he wants to go back and be a better father for his sons, but know he might never have the chance.

The scene moves on, this time showing Dean and a young Sam in yet another motel room. Present Sam´s blood runs cold, he recognizes this motel room, he knows what happens next, he knows what he did, but it cannot have been that bad, right? (in a couple of minutes, he will regret even tempting fate)
On the screen, Dean is washing the dishes while Sammy seems to be struggling with his homework. Dean finishes the dishes and approaches Sammy, saying:
-Hey, Sammy- Dean says, soft smile in his face- Time to go to bed, kiddo
-Its Sam, not Sammy- Sammy responds moody- And back off, cant you see I am busy?
-C´mon man, you have to sleep to be ready for school tomorrow- Dean says calmly
-What I need is to finish this last problem, otherwise I wont be able to turn in this- Sam says angrily, Sam´s anger doesn’t deter Dean who asks
-Need any help?- Dean´s expression resembles a rollercoaster with the way it changes, when Sammy starts to laugh at his suggestion
-Ohhh that is a good one Dean- Sam laughs- I tell you I am struggling with this and what?- Sam asks sarcastically- You think you can do better?- Sam says still laughing, not noticing the way that Dean´s smile become more forced, his self-hate evident (and filling the viewing room)- Good laugh, though.
-Yeah, hmm, you are right- Dean answers- you are the genius- he says broken tone in his voice
-Hey, Dean- Sammy asks after a small silence- I need some cash, about $200
-What?- Dean asks startled, both present Winchester can feel the desperation Dean is feeling- Why?
-I need to pay some trip for school- Sammy says
-Sammy, I… We don’t have that money, I am sorry- Dean says, guilt filling him (and the room)- Besides, dad wont give you permission to go, you know that- Dean finishes
-I don’t see dad anywhere- Sam says petulantly- Besides, it is mandatory, I have to pay for it, whether I go or not- Sammy lies- and not going would affect my grade, I know dad and you don’t give a crap about that, but don’t drag me down with you, I actually do plan to do something with my life.
-I…- Dean says tired- I will do my best to get the money, Sammy. But I can´t promise you anything
-You are unbelievable, you know that?- Sammy says angrily- What? You are a worthless fuck up, so you want me to be just like you?- Sam screams at Dean- Where the fuck are you going?- he says watching Dean reaching for the door.
-I am going to see if I can hustle some money for you, bro- Dean says- You are right, I wouldn’t want for you to end up like me- he murmurs
-Thanks- Sammy says before Dean closes the door
-You are welcome- Dean tells the closed door- Even if I know you are lying to me- he whispers

And just when current Sam though it couldn’t get worse, he realizes where Dean is heading.
On the screen, Dean arrives at a truck station where girls and a couple of boys are loitering around, in his naivety Sam forgot what was Dean method to make money to support themselves, fuck does he is feeling guilty at the moment for what he did. John, once again, feels like shaking Sam around until he explains just what exactly was he thinking, and he knows, oh does he knows, that Sam wasn’t entirely guilty, but he needs someone to blame, because he also knows what happens next and it isn’t pretty nor was it fair.

A trucker approaches Dean, giving him a once over before crowding into his space:
-Hey sweetie, what is a beautiful thing like you doing here?- he leers, and John wants nothing more than rip the fucker´s eyes out.
-Looking for a good time- Dean says batting his eyelashes
-Name your price beautiful- the guy says
-$250- Dean automatically responds
-That is too expensive for a slut, kid- the trucker tells him, beginning to walk away.
-Wait- Dean says- $200, and you can do anything you want to me.
-Whatever I want?- he asks
-Anything, handsome- Dean answers
-Alright, then follow me, I will show you a good time whore- he replies and stars walking, Dean quickly on his feet.

What follows is a recollection of the most brutal sex, either of the adult Winchesters had ever seen, the scene making them nauseous. The scene speeds a little, until the trucker stops his assault in Dean´s teenage body. The man retrieves the money from his wallet and throws it at the floor where Dean is. The man leaves and only after he strays out of view, does Dean starts to violently sob. He slowly picks up the money, tears still on his face, and gets to his feet, with wobbling steps he finally reaches the motel room, he enters the room and sees Sammy already sleep, he smiles slightly before putting the $200 inside his backpack. Sam´s homework catches Dean´s eyes, he checks it and corrects the mistakes Sam has made, before putting it back inside and passing out in the bed, still crying. There is no words left from any of the Winchesters to say.

Desperation. That is what fills the room before the scene even begins. When it finally does, it shows a desperate Dean showing Sam´s photo around the establishments close to the motel, it doesn’t take a genius to understand when this happened, and Sam can´t help but feel extremely guilty for putting his big brother to such distress.
The scene seems to speed up showing an increasingly more worried Dean trying to find Sammy, it finally stops, showing Dean sitting at the edge of the bed of the motel room, head between his hands, despair, fear and dread filling him, before he pulls his phone out and dials his father´s number.
-Sir- Dean says, tears coming out of his face- It´s Sam, I cant find him anywhere, I am so sorry to interrupt your hunt, but I already tried everything, I don’t know what happened, I swear I was taking care of him, please, I am scared something has happened to him. Please, dad, help- he finishes hanging up, crying bitter tears- Please be okay, Sammy, I cant do this without you- he pleads to an empty room
This is what you did, Sam´s brain tells him, after everything he did for you, you abandoned him, your brother, your suicidal brother, anything that happens afterwards is on you.

On the screen, a loud bang is heard, before John slams open the motel´s door, making Dean jump.
-Sir, I…-the poor boy attempts to say but his father doesn’t give him a chance to finish before he slaps him, alcohol clearly in the older man´s breath.
-What the fuck happened?- John screams
-I am sorry, sir, I was just in the shower and when I got out Sam and his things were gone- Dean says, scared expression in his face- You don’t think that something got him, do you?- he asks with fear, voice quivering
-Of course nothing got him, you moron- John screams shaking Dean- Your brother obviously give you the slip. How could you let this happened?
-I don’t know, sir, I am so sorry, I…
-I. Don’t. Care- John yells- Damn it, Dean! How can you be so useless? First the stunt with the stolen bread and now this. How am I supposed to trust you when you are nothing but dead weight?
-I don’t know- Dean murmurs, expression broken, tears in his face, that don’t go unnoticed by a drunk John, who towers over his son, beer bottle in his hand
-And now you are standing there, acting like a pussy. What the actual fuck is wrong with you??? Either you sharpen up, or I am leaving you at the side of some abandoned road to fence for yourself, and why the fuck you are crying, you sissy? Want to cry about something? I am giving you something to cry for- and before Dean even has time to react, John smashes him with the almost empty beer bottle, breaking it in the process.
That doesn’t seem to satisfy a drunk John because he takes his belt and starts to hit his son with his belt, not stopping until the alcohol makes him pass out, leaving Dean crying on the floor, with a redden back, a swollen left wrist and welts all over his backs and thighs. And yet the words are the things that hurt him the worst.

Sam is petrified, he remembers, damn does he remembers pretty well his stunt to Flagstaff, he remembers feeling so clever by running away, he remembers feeling excited at finally being free even for a little, he remembers feeling great about himself… he doesn’t remember feeling guilty, not even a little, he doesn’t remember thinking the way his actions might have affected Dean, he doesn’t remember asking afterwards, and he doesn’t remember his brother even resenting him about it. Cold and numbness fill him and what used to be a great memory suddenly tastes like sand in his mouth. Anger suddenly starts to fill him as well, anger directed at his father, how could he have done that to Dean? Where did he get off treating him like crap? How could he have beaten the son he was supposed to love within an inch of his life?

Unknown to Sam, those same thoughts start to invade John, how could he have done that to his little boy? How could he have treated his son so badly? Why did, after all of this, his son stayed? He is ashamed to say he doesn’t even remember half of this fight, he was too drunk to remember, oh, he knows what he did, boy those he knows, only that the knowledge came from waking up to see his son beaten and still bleeding from what he did, what he does remember is that he never even apologized and Dean never asked him to. In a drunken rage, he had destroyed what little was left of his son´s confidence and he couldn’t even be bother to acknowledge it. His failures as a father are coming back to haunt him and he cant do anything to avoid them, just like he cant avoid the unknown being that appears in the room, and then it is lights out for John.

Chapter Text

John returns to the realm of consciousness, only to see chaos in the viewing room. The first thing his concussed brain recognize is Sam shaking him slightly, worried expression in his face. Last thing he remembers is an unknown being knocking him out, he can feel his face swelling, so he conducts a mental triage to categorize his injuries. Aside from a broken nose (again), he can feel that his left eye is almost swollen shut, he has a swollen left wrist, probably broken, he can feel three bruised ribs and another five that are broken, his stomach is bruised but there is probably no internal bleeding and his left ankle has double in size (he would later realize that these are almost the same injuries that he put on Dean in the last memory, if this was done by coincidence or on purpose, the strange being is not telling)

Sam starts talking, but John´s brain takes a few minutes to get back on line:
-….. okay, dad?- Sam asks
-What?- John responds, his ears ringing
-Are you okay, dad?- Sam repeats
-I am fine- John responds- Nothing life threatening. What´s going on?- he asks worriedly
-I don’t know- Sam answers, worry etched in his face, now that John is paying attention he can see the beginnings of a shiner in his son´s left eye- The thing just appear in the room and start beating you up like he was possessed, I tried to get him away from you, but I caught an elbow in the eye and then the Trickster appeared and they started to discuss between themselves

Across the room, the Trickster and the being seem to be in the middle of a heated discussion, John and Sam stretch their ears, trying to listen their conversation
-You need to calm down- the Trickster says
-Do not tell me to calm down- the mysterious being says, glaring at Loki- You know what that … did and you are defending him
-We cannot interfere, Castiel- Loki responds- You know that.
-Do not tell me what I can or cannot do- “Castiel” spats- How can you be so calm???
-I am not calm, but this is not what….
-There was a reaper on that room, Gabriel- the being screams

Static is the thing that fills Sam and John´s ears, the last sentence making their insides feel cold. Sam is the first to come out of his stupor
-I thought your name was Loki?- Sam ask stupidly
-I am a being of many names, some are well known, others not so much- the trickster, Gabriel, responds
-That is the only thing you take out of this, boy?- Castiel asks angrily, approaching the Winchester menacingly
-Don’t come any closer- John warns, itching for a gun he knows it isn’t in his holder
-Don´t tell me what I can or can´t do, John Winchester. Your words, like your threats mean nothing to me- it’s the respond he gets
-Who are you?, What are you?- John asks, not backing up
-I am Castiel, I am…- but whatever he is going to say gets interrupted by a tape appearing on his face
-Ah, ah, little bro- Gabriel responds- No spoilers- before he claps his hands and the tape disappears
-I am a friend of Dean´s- Castiel completes
-Impossible- John refutes- My son would never be friends with a monster

That last sentence seems to be the wrong thing to say, because suddenly Castiel is in his face yelling:
-A monster?- he roars- You dare call me a monster, when you did that to your own flesh and blood?- he says pointing at the frozen Dean on the screen- When you put your son in those conditions? When thanks to you, there is a reaper on that room???- he yells
-What…? What do you mean?- Sam finally asks with a small voice- A reaper? Why would a…?
-You are supposed to be the smart one, Samuel- the being mocks- But then again, half of this situation is your fault, isn’t it? Don’t worry, I will show both of you- he finishes

Gabriel considers stopping Castiel, clicking his fingers together and making the memory disappear, but then again the Winchesters deserve to know how bad they screwed up. Besides, he is also curious about what happens next as he is unfamiliar of the part of this memory, Cassie and Raphael were always the ones with the best relationship with reapers, so he figures that is how Cassie obtain the memory.

Castiel twists his hand and suddenly the image on the screen changes focus. The image of Dean´s unconscious bleeding form freezes and a woman appears in the otherwise frozen room. At first glance, the woman seems completely normal, if they didn’t already know better, they would think she was human. They know better, though. Still, Sam and John are not prepared to hear Dean´s small voice, breaking through the silence:
-What is going on?- Dean asks with a shaky voice, appearing in the frame. He is sitting cross-legged on the bed, watching his unconscious shaky voice- Who are you?
-Hi, little one- the reaper says with a warm voice- I am a reaper
-Am I dead?- Dean asks. The woman hums, but doesn’t answer- Did my dad….?
-That is to be decided, little one- she finally answers breaking the silence
-My name is Dean- he mumbles
-Mine is Tessa- she answers with a soft smile
-Who will decide?- Dean asks
-You, silly- she answers- Whatever happens at this point is up to you
-I don’t understand- Dean admits- Am I dead or not?
-Do you want to be?- she asks back
-This is not how this is supposed to work, at least I don’t think so- Dean ponders- And you didn’t answer my question
-Let me explain, Dean- Tessa tells him- You are in what most people would call a Limbo, you are neither alive nor dead, you are in the middle. In most of this cases, the reaper assigned to you would be the one choosing whether you died or lived. But you- she tell him- you little one are one of the special cases
-Why?- Dean asks confused- Why am I special?
-Well, for starters your father just beat you to an inch of death, a little more and there wouldn’t be a decision to take, you would have been dead. As it is, you fit a criteria
-Which is?
-Violent almost death for no apparent reason, in a time that is not yours yet. So you get to choose, you can go back or you can come with me- Tessa tells him
-If I…-Dean starts- If I go with you, where would I go?
-Well, now, that would be a spoiler, wouldn’t it?- she teases
-Can I ask you something?
-Of course. What is it, green eyes?- she says sitting next to him
-If I choose to go with you, would my family be okay?- Dean says with a quiet voice- I mean, they would no longer be burden by a stupid fuck up like me, so it would be better for everyone if I just die- he finishes

And just when John thought his heart couldn’t break any longer, Dean asks this question. How can he even atone for what he did? His mind freezes thinking of the fact that he could have woken up from his drunken stupor to find his son cold bloody body next to him. He almost killed Dean, scratch that, he killed Dean, if it wasn’t for some strange criteria, Dean would have been dead, barely 18th and dead, killed by his own abusive father. John´s mind can´t quite compute that, but he promises that if by any chance they get out of this, he will be better, starting by not touching another drop of alcohol, not after watching what it´s effects caused.
Sam´s brain starts bombarding him with a bunch of scenarios. How can Dean value his life so little? How can he think that? That John and Sam´s lives would be better if he was gone. Sam cant even imagine what would have happened if after running away, he would have come back to a dead Dean, killed by their father. The guilt he would have filled, that he is filling, at knowing that his actions caused that, a small part of his brain tells him that John was the one at fault, Sam could have never predicted his father respond and even if he had, John´s actions were his. But Sam shut that part, because, yeah, he might not be responsible for his father’s actions but he was responsible for putting his brother in distress in the first place, his amazing brother that had already given everything for him. Sam wouldn’t be able to live knowing his brother had lost his life because of him.

On the screen the scene progresses, with Tessa giving a one-arm hug to Dean:
-Listen to me and listen closely- Tessa responds- I am not able to tell you how things would progress with you gone. But I can tell you, you are neither stupid nor a fuck up, alrigth? And whatever happens next must be solely your choice. Don’t choose what you think your father or your brother need. Choose what you want to do
-I…-Dean answers, tears in his eyes- I want to stop suffering. I want to see my mommy again. I want everything to stop- Tessa gets ready to take Dean´s hand, but Dean interrupt her- But… Sammy needs me, dad needs me. I cant let go in good conscience yet- Dean says hugging himself.
-Is that your final answer, Dean?- Tessa asks squeezing Dean´s hand
-Yes, I will stay- Dean answers, voice determinate
-Very well, then I will see you next time- Tessa makes a gesture to leave but Dean´s hand stopped her
-Tessa?
-Yes, Dean?
-Can you stay a little while? Only for a few minutes?- Dean asks unsure
-Of course, little one. I will stay with you until you are ready- she says, hugging Dean´s small frame.

It is a little wonder they got here, if a reaper is comforting Dean better than his own damn family. And with that the scene abruptly ends, leaving a devastated room in its wake

-So you both see, you call me a monster- Castiel tells John- And maybe I am not human, but the only monster I see in this room is you, John Winchester- he declares- I will be taking my leave now and you better hope that you have a plan to make this better, because another slight like this wont be tolerated. And next time, not even Gabriel will be able to stop me- he finishes before disappearing
-And I don’t think I would try either, Winchester- Gabriel says- If Dean Winchester die, I would worry, because there is a long list of people, me included who would not take it kindly. You better organize your priorities long and hard, both of you. Because next time, someone else come from any of you, I am not stopping them- he proclaims.

Gabriel disappears leaving a broken-hearted Sam and John in his wake, crying bitter tears. They were so closed to losing Dean and none of them even had a clue. And now, they may lose him for real because of their actions, and that, that is a bitter pill to swallow

Chapter Text

-How could you?- Sam asks brokenly, breaking the somber silence that has fallen in the room since the two creatures disappear. John lifts his head from between his hands but he doesn’t quite meet his son´s eyes- Just, after everything? All that crap about family being first and how you would do anything for us. How could you?- Sam asks with unshed tears
-Sam, son, I…- John responds before stopping himself, because really, what can he even say after that
-You killed him- Sam whispers, a few stray tears leaving his eyes- After everything he did for you, for us, you… You killed him.
-Sammy, I…- John says pausing before saying- I don’t know what you want me to say
-What I want you to say?- Sam says incredulity- Geez I don’t know, what could you possibly say that makes this, killing Dean, okay? Fuck, is there any wonder we are even here? How about you tell me what possessed you to do that in the first place? Huh?
-Don’t- John answers cutting Sam´s rant- Don’t finish that
-What? You can bear to hear your flaws?- Sam says tauntingly
-My flaws?- John asks, anger creeping in his voice- Are you even listening to yourself? You want to talk about flaws?- he asks towering over Sam- How about we start by yours? How about you explain to me in which universe is right to call your brother names for taking care of you? Huh? How about you tell me why you felt the need to lie to your brother about needing money? What exactly did you think was going to happen when I came back and you were gone?
-Not that, never that- Sam whispers
-College boy thinking, ladies and gentlemen- John says mockingly- Because lets face it, Samuel, I already realized that I was a bastard but you don’t have a leg to stand on in the first place

John intends on continuing going off on his son, until he sees something that makes his blood go cold and he scrambles to put the most distance he can between Sam and him. He made Sam flinch and cower into himself, no small feat for his height. Sam thought you were going to hit him, his brain provides, and after what he saw you do is it any wonder that is where his mind went?

Sam flinches, later he might deny it, but right now he flinches. His eyes catch movement and he belatedly sees his father scrambling to the other side of the room. His mind doesn’t catch up though. His mind is too busy replaying the words his father said to him over and over again. He called you Samuel, his brain provides, that means you really fucked up. And he cant disagree there, he really did fuck up. He knows it is not his fault what his dad did, but he doesn’t kid himself thinking he is not guilty. At the end of the day his father is right, he is the one that told all those things to Dean, the one person his brother should have been able to relay on and he berated him, Sam mocked Dean´s attempts to make him happy and he took him from granted. Sam asked him for money, they didn’t have, just so he could go to some random school trip and so he could keep a little bit to make his attempt of freedom. What is worse, and what his father doesn’t know, is that he stole some money from Dean´s bag, just so he could run away. Money his big brother gain on his knees. He feels sicken, before when he thought about Flagstaff, he remembered those days joyfully, but now knowing what he knows, those memories leave a bitter taste in his tongue. He wonders what would have happened if Dean had decided different, if he had gone to the afterlife with Tessa, instead of returning to life. Oh, fuck, he would have returned to a ruined life and if he is honest he probably wouldn’t have been able to take it, to live even a fraction of what Dean had to suffer, it would have destroyed him, especially with the guilt that would have undoubtedly eaten him away. He embraces and starts rocking himself thinking of what could have happen, letting the guilt drowned him

John has similar thoughts as his son. What would have happened if he had woken up to Dean´s cold body on that room? Damn it, his oldest was just an inch of death. He doesn’t think he would have been able to live with the guilt of killing Dean, he probably would have shoot himself right there and then, which would have probably been for the best because between Jim and Bobby they would have murdered him, scratch that, he is sure Sam himself would have finished him off, if he had had the opportunity. Bile fills his mouth thinking of what could have been. He recognizes now that he is a bastard and he doesn’t have any right to ask Dean, or Sam for that matters, for forgiveness. He left Mary´s death change him until he become something his late wife wouldn’t recognize, he is sure if he had pulled something like that when Mary was still alive, they wouldn’t have found his body. John is regretting every single choice he ever made, but right now he has to pulled himself together if only for the sake of his sons

-I am sorry, Sammy, I mean Sam- John says after finally controlling his breaths- What I said, well, I shouldn’t have said that. You were just a kid, with a least than ideal life
-But I should have known better- Sam whispers
-No, son. You shouldn’t. I am the one that drop the bar here- John said closing the space between them and pulling his son into a hug- And that is on me
-It is your fault, how you reacted, I mean- Sam said not letting go of his father- But I should have never put Dean in that situation. I shouldn’t have said those words so callously
-We both make mistakes, Sam. The only thing left is trying to make things better
-How?- Sam asks- How could things even have a semblance of okay? How can we even begin to atone for what we did? How could Dean even forgive us?
-I don’t know, Sammy. We don’t, hell knows we don’t deserve any forgiveness, Me more than you. But at the very least we owned it to Dean to apologize to him for what we did- John says crying
-He would forgive us- Sam states- We don’t deserve it but he would
-Yeah, probably- John concedes- C´mon buddy lets get back to our seats

John leads Sam to his seat, returning to his own, but before the screen starts again, Sam interrupts the silence
-I wouldn’t have been able to- he whispers
-What you wouldn’t have been able to do, Sammy?- John asks
-To live with myself if Dean had…I wouldn’t have been able- he finishes
-Neither would have I, son- John responds with a whisper- Neither would have I

The screen lights up again, showing the same motel room they were before in what it looks like to be the next day. Dean stands up from his bed in trembling feet and the action makes the viewers nauseous. John didn’t think he could hate himself more until he sees his oldest beaten down form limp to the sink to fill up a cup of water and grab the Tylenol from their med kit. Sam feels how every step causes his brother more and more pain and he cant help but feel sickened, he winces a couple of times, wondering how Dean does not even acknowledge the pain.
On the screen, Dean carefully approaches his father and gently wakes him up. The John in the memory wakes up to find his oldest hand outstretch giving him the cup and a Tylenol. He takes the objects and quickly swallows the pill and the water, before getting up from the bed, he makes a movement to reach out from Dean before aborting it, instead saying the words:
-C´mon, lets find Sammy, son- past John says, not noticing how Dean flinches, the present John doesn’t have the same problem and he feels his stomach revolts with the knowledge he put that feat in his son´s eyes.

The scene progresses until it shows John entering a camper, leaving Dean crouched in the back seat of the Impala. Dean´s feelings are all over the place, the self-hate being the stronger, there is a lot of pain tangled with it, and if the position that Dean is in is anything to go by, his wounds run deeper than what they seemed. Dean probably needs medical attention, medical attention that Sam and John know he didn’t get.
The door of the Impala is opened by a young Sam followed closely by his father. Dean puts his brother into a one arm hug, but doesn’t make any comment. John starts to drive and it is only until a couple miles has passed before Sam turns to his brother, the younger kid doesn’t note Dean´s hopeful expression, the present Sam notices though and for the first time he thinks that maybe Dean was expecting an apology or at least an explanation, and because he acknowledges this he can pinpoint the exact moment when Dean´s face falls at his words.
- Whatever happened to your face?- is the first thing that Sammy asks Dean after getting back
-I…-Dean starts answering, giving John a side-glance, especially at John´s still bloody knuckles that are completely white from the force he is using to grip the steering wheel – I got into a fight while hustling at pool, you know how it is, you should have seen the other guy- he attempts to joke
-You should put ice on that- is the only thing that Sammy responds before the car falls in silence again.

The only thing that John can do is stare stupidly at the screen. Did his son thought that he was going to beat him for telling the truth? Of course Dean thinks that after everything John put him through and while John wants to denied it, he is not exactly sure how he would have reacted if Dean had told Sam the truth, but he can hazard a guess that it wouldn’t have been pretty for Dean. He wants to hit something, fuck, he wants a drink, but that is what started this mess in the first place. He wants to go back in time to that morning, hell, to before he entered that motel room drunk, but at the very least to that morning and begging on his knees for Dean forgiveness, he remembers wanting so badly to cradle his son and asking for forgiveness, but he was too much of a coward and now he has to live with the consequences of his actions.
Sam is shocked at hearing his youngest-self callous words. He didn’t even try to help Dean, what is worse he didn’t even care. He just thought about how much problematic his brother was, he didn’t even offer him an apology for worrying him, he just let the situation go, as if he hasn’t almost caused his brother death

On the screen, the Impala finally stops into a familiar garage. Dean and Sam exited the car almost at the same time that Bobby Singer exited his house, shotgun in his hand, that he lowers the moment he recognizes his visitors. His grip on it tightens though at seeing Dean´s swollen face.
-The fuck happened to you, boy?- he asks as a way of greeting, Dean lowers his head but before he can answer, Sam interrupts by saying.
-He got into a fight, again- he says- but then again what other thing you can expect- he mumbles
-Sam, if I were you I would keep my trap shut. Don’t think I am not mad about that stunt you pulled- John interrupts- Bobby can the kids stay for a few days with you? I have a hunt line up and Sam here just gave Dean the slip and ran away, which proves they both need supervision to stay out of trouble- John says not noticing the way Dean head lowers even more, but Bobby sure notices and he only nods, before both Sam and Dean enter the house.

The scene shifts once again, this time at night in Bobby´s kitchen, Bobby has the med kit out and is applying ointment in Dean´s bruises, at least the ones in his face. Dean only winces a little when the liquid touches his face. Bobby finally breaks the silence by asking:
-Wanna tell me what really happened or must I guess?
-I already told you, Bobby. Some sore loser didn’t like that I won him at pool and he decided to rearrange my face- Dean lies with a light tone
-Yeah, and I am the tooth fairy- Bobby sarcastically replies
- I didn’t know that you exchanged teeth for money, Bobby- Dean sasses
-At least, answer me this boy, did your daddy did this?- he asks
-What the hell, Bobby? My dad is a great man- Dean quickly replies, even if John feels anything but
-That wasn’t my question and you know it, idjit
-No, okay? My dad didn’t do shit. I already tell you what happened, if you don’t want to believe me that is up to you- Dean says angrily
-Alright, princess, don’t get your panties into a twist- Bobby replies- You know you could tell me if it was, right?
-Yeah, Bobby, but it is not. It was just me being my dumbass self- Dean replies self-deprecating
-Now, I never said those words, kid, so don’t go putting them in my mouth- Bobby responds- Is there any other injure I should now about?
-No, nothing more- Dean lies, Bobby studies him for a moment before telling him to go to bed and the scene cuts.

-…They are just kids and you know it, Winchester- Bobby´s angry voice can be heard coming from the house and carrying to the yard where Dean is fixing an old car, as the scene starts once again.
-I know how I raise my own children, Singer, so keep your noisy ass out of my business- John´s angry voice responds
-Wow, is that bruise the size of Australia the reason why Bobby is one step closer to murdering your old man?- a new man voice interrupts Dean, he looks up to see Caleb, offering him a beer.
-I ain´t 21, man- Dean responds while taking the beer
-Don’t think any of them care to be honest, but I wont tell if you don’t, deal?- Caleb asks, sitting in the trunk of the car
-Deal- Dean responds
-So? Did Jonny do that? Just say the words and they wont find a finger- Caleb half-jokes
-Nah, I got into a bar fight. Bobby doesn’t believe me though- Dean says peeling the label of the beer
-Neither do I, if we are honest, but I wont pry- Caleb says, taking a swing of his beer- Where is the runt?
-In his room, grounded. He tried to run away- Dean says
-Ah, and you feel guilty?
-It was my fault. I should have paid more attention. Dad was right at being angry
-No, Dean, he really wasn’t- he responds softly
-What are you doing here anyway?- Dean asks changing the subject
-Don’t think I don’t recognize a change of subject when I see one, kiddo, but I will let it go for now- Caleb responds- Bobby called, wanted some equipment and help from my old man and me for a hunt.
-Your father is here?- Dean asks
-Nah, he was busy with a chupacabra, send me here instead, another hunter is going to come round with his son to help.
-Dad didn’t tell me anything- Dean says
-Don’t worry, man, my dad doesn’t tell me anything either, and he is sure as hell not going to let me join- a new voice joins them. Dean looks up to see a guy his age, with long hair and carrying all the bravado that hunters usually carry, and his heart starts to thump harder in his rib cage, if either of the other men notice, they don’t say nothing.
-Name is Lee- the stranger says- Nice to meet you- he says shaking Dean´s hand, before the scene ends.

Of the Winchesters watching, Sam is the first to recognize the encounter from what it is, the beginning of a crush and he hopes this turns out well for his brother. John doesn’t take long to recognize it too, but he is more wary of what the situation might entail, after all he remembers how it ended, and he doesn’t think Dean can afford to have his heart broken once more.

Chapter Text

The screen starts again and Sam is hopeful, he is hopeful that this time a good memory will come out of all this, he doesn’t remember much about Lee, but he remembers that his father let both boys to hunt together so he cant be bad, right? Besides, his brother deserves to be happy, and honestly he can use the break, all Winchester can. Dean´s bisexuality does come as a shock for Sam and at the same time it is kind of obvious, he has seen Dean´s eyes linger once or twice on a hot guy, but honestly he thought Dean was so far in the closet that he might as well be in Narnia, he never thought that Dean would ever act on his feelings towards men, but apparently he is wrong (then again if something he has learned is that he is wrong about of things about his big brother)
John is warier about the situation, he never really liked Lee, he always thought there was something shifty about the guy and he didn’t like how Dean behave around him, that was his oldest reckless´ age, Dean seemed to returned from every hunt with a variety of cuts and bruises while Lee seemed no worse to wear, obviously Dean was picking up the slack of the other hunter, why he kept hunting with him is anyone’s guesses but it might have something to do with Dean´s puppy crush. John shifts awkwardly in his seat, he knows of Dean´s bisexuality, of course he does, there is no way he couldn’t have known, his son wasn’t as discreet as he thought himself to be, but John never said anything about it, whether negative or positive, probably because he wouldn’t have known what to say; not to say he understand Dean´s preferences, but after all the fucked up things he had seen, he knows better than to judge, he just thinks that things would be simpler if his son just dated girls. He is not even sure if Dean and Lee ever were a thing to begin with, maybe he is reading way too much in the situation, better wait and see and then make a judgment.

The scene starts and this time the Winchesters can see Dean, Lee and Caleb sitting in Bobby´s yard drinking. They are in the middle of a lively conversation:
-I am just saying they could have at least take us as backup, a pack of shifters is not something to laugh about- Lee says
-Hear, hear- Caleb and Dean respond
-It kind of sucks that we can only be babysitters- Lee says
-I am kind of sure that my old man doesn’t even trust me to do that- Dean says bitterly
-Oh c´mon dude, you cant keep beating yourself up for that- Caleb responds clapping Dean´s shoulder. If Sam wasn’t feeling guilty before, he certainly is now.
-Why? What happened?- Lee asks
-His brother, the runt upstairs, gave him the slip- Caleb answers
-Man, that sucks, I would be pissed if I were you- Lee tells Dean
-Nah, man, Sammy is a good kid and he is my responsibility, should had paid more attention- Dean responds
-Well, I think you deserved better- Lee responds, getting a mumbled thanks from Dean. The three young men stay silent for a while before Caleb´s says his good nights and enters the house. Dean makes a slight movement as to get up but is intercept by Lee.
-Hey, dude, I meant it, you should have some fun and dropped some of the responsibility, I think you earned it
-I will think about it- Dean says with a fake smile
-Oh c´mon, handsome boy like you, you must be a hit with the ladies- Lee says rising an eyebrow
-I…-Dean stumbles
-Or the boys, perhaps- Lee says somehow seductively- I wouldn’t blame them, with those lips of yours, they asked to be ravish- he finishes with a seductive tone, making Dean blush.
Lee starts to crowed Dean´s and in a matter of seconds his lips meet Dean´s, both of them meeting in a slightly chaste kiss.
-That is what I am talking about- Lee exclaims when they pulled up for air, tracing Dean´s lips with his thumbs- Wow! You certainly are a sight, babe. What do you say if we says fucked it to the old cots and go see what Sioux Falls´ night life has to offer, hmm?- Lee asks
-But, we are supposed to stay here- Dean says when he finally retrieves his voice
-Oh, live a little bit, besides your brother wont be alone, Caleb is there with him- Lee says
-Okay- Dean responds dumbly, before the scene cuts

John´s anger spikes up, how dare Dean leave Sam alone? But just as quickly as it came, it deflates, after all, didn’t Dean deserve a chance to be a teenager if only for a little while? That is not to say he likes how Lee is manipulating his son into going, but they are both barely 18, what is the worst trouble they can get? (Not much later John would curse the day he left his oldest with the other hunter)
Sam is feeling guiltier, every word Lee said felt like a stab in the back, Dean missed so much because he had to take care of him, he gave up so much of himself just so he could have a better life, and he repaid him by treating him like crap.

-Where the fuck did you go?- an angrily Caleb asks Dean on the screen
-Relax, junior- Dean answers slightly tipsy- We just went around town for a little something to drink
-Relax? Are you insane, Dean?- Caleb explodes- What would have happened if our father had returned, huh? What was I supposed to tell them? Shit, you didn’t even tell me you were going out, I was worry out of mind.
-Sorry- Dean says regretfully
-Fuck, kiddo. This isn’t you
-Well, maybe I wanted to feel free, for once- Dean spats- Maybe I wanted to forget about my fuck-ups and be a regular teenager.
-Look, Dean, I get that, but you worried me, man
-And I am sorry, I really am- Dean responds, before asking- Are you… are you going to tell my dad?
-No, of course no. No harm no foul. Just tell me next time, okay?
-Alright- Dean agrees and makes movement to leave before Caleb takes his arm and stops him
-And Dean?- he asks- Please be careful around Lee, there is something that I don’t like with him- Caleb pleads
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, mother hen, I will be careful, I promise- Dean shrugs the oldest boy concerns, before retiring to his room, leaving a worried Caleb on his wake.

The next scene starts, the older Winchesters still wary after Caleb´s warning can’t help but feel a whiplash of emotions, the happiness Dean is feeling in the current scene makes them lose some of their suspicious. The screen shows Dean and Lee inside a motel room, apparently celebrating, both of them drinking and laughing.
-For a hunt well done- Lee says clicking their beers together- You were pretty amazing out there, pal
-Thanks, Lee- Dean says while blushing- You were also pretty awesome back there
-One less monster in the world- Lee responds- This called for a celebration
-Yeah?- Dean asks shyly- What were you thinking to do?
-I can think of a couple of ideas- Lee responds wiggling his eyebrows, while sweeping Dean in a passionate kiss
Both young men start kissing hungrily, barely stopping for breathing, both ending on bed, Lee getting on top off Dean, his hands wandering through Dean´s clothes, they stopped on Dean´s buckle but before he can start undoing it, Dean stops him.
-Wait- he says breathlessly- Please, wait a minute, Lee- and to his credit, Lee does stop rolling off until he is besides Dean
-Sorry, got a little bit carried away- Lee says catching his breath- Hey- he says taking Dean´s face in his hands- we don’t have to do anything you don’t want, okay? We go as far as you want
-No- Dean says shyly- I do want to, is just that, I have never done something like this- he confesses
-Never have sex with a guy before?- Lee asks
-Not by choice- Dean confesses, shame clouding the room
-Oh man- Lee says horrified- I am so sorry
-Its okay. Just, sometimes you have to do somethings you don’t wanna while on the road, right?- Dean says non-committedly
-No, Dean, you really don’t have too- Lee answers- Dude, sometimes I wished I could just socked your father, consequences be damned. But just so we are cleared, you don’t want to do something, you tell me and we stop, alright? Last thing I want to do is hurt you
-I do want to, you know, have sex with you, I just don’t know how- Dean shyly says
-Well then baby be ready for me to rock your world- Lee says giving Dean a tender kiss

The scene speeds up the act itself and for that Sam is grateful, for more that the rapes and the forced sex work was tough to watch, somehow seeing the tender love making feels worse, like he is intruding in an intimate moment, which to be fair they are. Nonetheless, a couple of stray tears leave Sam´s eyes, this is the kind of love and tenderness his brother deserves, someone that love him and take care of him, that cares for him the way he cares for them. He wonders what could have happened to break such a beautiful couple, and he decidedly hopes he doesn’t have to figure it out.
John is conflicted because he knows that things between both of them didn’t end up good but still is hopeful that maybe things just weren’t as bad as they make it out to be

The scene slows down, this time showing both young hunter laying side by side on the bed with only a sheet covering them, Dean´s contentment and happiness filling the whole room, Lee lovingly takes his hand as they stare into each other eyes, before Lee exclaims:
-You are beautiful you know that
-I…- Dean says- You are pretty great yourself
-Hey, I mean it, you are a pretty swell guy- Lee replies- I love you
-I love you too- Dean mumbles before he gives him a shy kiss, ending the scene.

Next scene starts right away and this time both hunters are sitting inside a bar, drinking shots, Dean checks his cellphone worryingly from time to time, before Lee puts a stop to it
-Stop worrying so much- he says, shot still in hand- They can deal without you for a few days
-Yeah, I know- Dean says- is just that this is the longest I have been away from them in a long time
-Oh c´mon, you know your old man will call you when he needs you, they always do and then they leave you stranded- Lee claims bitterly- and then the runt will call you when he needs cash before leaving you dry
-No cool man, my dad aint like that and don’t you dare bring Sammy into this- Dean angrily spats before standing up, ready to leave, only to be stop by Lee´s grip in his arm
-Hey, Dee, I am sorry, come here- he says pulling Dean next to him- It is just that I get so angry knowing how they treat you, knowing what you were forced to do and what you did to yourself- he says tracing a scar in Dean´s arm with his finger- I love you so much and I hate how they hurt you
-Yeah, I know- Dean answers, shrugging his arm off Lee´s grip but still sitting in his lap- But you know I hate when you talk shit about them
-Yes, I know darling- Lee apologizes- Next round on me, got it?
-I will hold you to that- Dean says with a small smile

John doesn’t like the tone Lee is taking when talking about them, perhaps is because the guilt he is feeling, because at the end the younger hunter is right, he only called Dean when he needed his help taking care of Sam or in a hunt, never before and never after, he thoroughly neglected his boy, and he cant bear to hear the truth in a stranger´s mouth.
Sam feels guilty as hell, Lee´s words ranging in his ears, because he is not wrong, he remembers feeling relieved at not having his brother “policing” his every move, he only called him when he needed a buffer between his father and him or wanted some cash, never really caring all that much whether his brother was okay or not, because Dean was always okay, right?, he sarcastically asks himself.

-I am just saying you should stop caring so much- is the first thing they hear as the scene begins. Lee´s angry voice following Dean as he is shoving things inside his duffle bag.
-Lee, we talked about this- Dean says, not stopping- My dad called, he needs my help, you can come if you want to, but right now I have to go back to my family
-That is just what I am saying, why do you have to be at those entitled assholes beck and call? Huh? Cant they solve their problems by themselves?
-I already told you to never insult them in my presence, Webb. So better think your next words carefully if you ever want me to come back- Dean spats still walking, stopping by Lee´s tough grip in his hand.
-You are not going anywhere- he says angrily
-Lee, let go, you are hurting me- Dean says squeamish
-No until you stay put
-You are fucking drunk, man- Dean exclaims trying to get out of Lee´s grip without hurting him- Let go now- he finally yells- Just because you don’t get along with your old man, doesn’t mean that…
But whatever Dean was going to say is abruptly cut by Lee´s fist in his cheek, the force behind the unexpected punch making him loose balance and falling to the floor. Hurt emanates from Dean, barely related to the pain of the punch and more from the action itself, shock being the next emotion he feels. Lee must have been shocked as well, because next thing he does is rush to Dean´s side, apologizing over and over again
-I am so sorry, Dean, so so sorry, I didn’t mean to- he babbles- I just got so angry, I am so sorry
-Its okay- Dean says after a while- I am sorry too I shouldn’t have said that
-Don’t apologize please- Lee begs- I promise I am never doing it again, please don’t leave me
-Okay- Dean accepts- But if you do again I am leaving I am serious
-Of course, babe. I love you
-I love you too- Dean replies with his cheek still pulsating

Sam wants to cry, why cant Dean have nice things for once? John´s mind is running thousand miles per hour, he remembers Dean getting increasingly clumsy the more he hunted with Lee, his excuses ranging from a hunt gone wrong to crashing against a door. John never really paid attention enough to see what was wrong with his boy, but now he wonders how many of those injuries were really hunt or accident related and how many were caused by the son of a bitch in front of him.

The memory shifts once more and this time they are back at Bobby´s kitchen. The man himself has the med kit out and he is stitching a cut in Dean´s forehead. Besides the cut, Dean has a black eye and a bruise blooming on the left side of his face. Both hunters are quiet as Bobby works, Dean barely wincing at the stiches.
-Dean…-Bobby starts
-I already told you, I crashed into a door by accident when I wasn’t paying attention- Dean replies to what appears to be an already started conversation
-Yeah and did the door had fists?- Bobby sarcastically asks
-Jeez, Bobby, for the 8th time this hour I already told you what happened- Dean replies defensively
-Aha, and the bruises on your boy knuckles, those appear magically huh?
-Drop it, Lee didn’t do shit- Dean exclaims- He loves me- Dean whispers, the expression on his face making him look younger.
-Listen to me, and listen carefully son. That aint love- Bobby says tenderly, before Dean pulls away
-Well, thanks for the advice, Oprah, but I already told you, it was just me being a fucked up as always
-Boy, you better not used those words to describe yourself where I can hear you- Bobby exclaims- You know you can tell me if something is wrong, right?- Bobby asks, Sam and John are hopeful that maybe Bobby can get through Dean but before the boy can respond a voice booms from the outside
-DEAN??? GET OUT HERE!- John voice can be heard from the outside
-Well, good thing there is nothing to say- Dean shrugs before directing himself towards where his father is calling him, leaving a concerned Bobby behind

A pack of memories is then show, that leave the Winchesters livid, each one contains injured in a different way, with bruises and cuts in places they shouldn’t be. How long did the asshole keep abusing Dean?

The memories finally stopped at one, where Dean is washing dishes in another non descriptive motel room, Lee hugging him from behind, Dean is clearly standing awkwardly while favoring his left leg
-Hello, handsome- Lee slurs and even if they are not there, the present Winchesters can pick the alcohol in his tone- How about you leave those there and you and I have some adult fun?- he says rocking himself against Dean
-I am not really in the mood, Lee- Dean claims- I am kind of tired, how about we just cuddle and watch a movie?- Dean says with something that is supposed to be a smile but comes out as a grimace
-C´mon, baby I have needs, you wont even have to do anything more than be there and look pretty
-I don’t know- Dean hesitated- I am still sore from the hunt
-Exactly, perfect time for me to make you feel good- Lee says- Besides what good is to have a boyfriend if he is never going to want to be with me?
-I…Okay- Dean finally agrees
-You are the best, babe- Lee says, hungrily kissing him and lifting him by the waist.
Lee doesn’t take long in lowering both of their pants and underwear and taking Dean´s shirt off. If the Winchesters were horrified before, nothing prepares them to be confronted with Dean´s purple torso full of a collection of bruises and cuts, which gets worse by the pain Dean feels (and they as well) with the small movement. On the screen, Lee is manhandling Dean, before Dean says
-Lee, please, slow down, you are going to fast- Dean pleads
-Don’t worry, buddy, you are about to feel great- Lee says before plunging inside Dean´s body, muffling Dean´s scream with a kiss.
Later when the act is finally over Lee wanders off to look for a drink, none of the tenderness of before present as Dean just slides off to the floor, head between his hands as he cries bitter tears.

Did Lee just coerced Dean into…? Did they just watch Dean being raped by someone that supposed to love him? Sam´s mind is going into a spiral, does, oh how badly does the events have turned? What should have been a beautiful relationship, it is now in nothing more than ashes.
A fury is quickly invading John against the bastard and himself, is he so disconnecting from his own son that he failed to see what was happening? He doesn’t even ask himself how Dean can think that this is love, he already has an answer, after all didn’t he also beat his son while drunk and still claim to love him, is it so farfetched that Dean forgive the same thing to Lee? Didn’t John inadvertently teach his son, if on a small scale, that sometimes you have to do things you didn’t want to keep the people that love you close? Because that it what boils down to, Dean accepting the love he thinks he deserves, and that is barely little and will never be enough.

The memory changes and this time Dean enters yet another motel room, this time in a rage, the anger pungent in the room, Lee is sitting watching TV and barely spares him a look, before saying:
-Hi, babe, everything ok?- he asks a way of greeting
-Is everything ok? I don’t know, maybe I should be the one asking you that?- Dean thunders
-Jeez, take a chill pill, what got your panties into a twist?
-I just came back from the clinic- Dean answers
-Oh yeah, you were feeling under the weather- Lee says without worry- What? You got the flue or something?
-No, you asshole- he responds throwing him a bottle of meds- You have to take this too, because apparently eventhough I was clean when I started sleeping with you, I suddenly have the clap, you moron, so what gives?
-Oh crap- Lee responds- Knew that chick wasn’t to be trusted. Damn it! Well, it is a good thing it wasn’t something worse- he says
-That it wasn’t something worse? You cheated on me, you bastard
-What? You thought we were exclusive or something? Man, what gives? I already told you I have needs that have to be fulfilled and you keep running off every time daddy calls and you sometimes get a stick up your butt and say no, what was I supposed to do?- Lee says reproaching Dean, making him feel smaller
-I thought we were. I haven’t slept with anyone else- he whispers, tone confused and broken
-And I appreciate your effort, but I am not you. If you stay here with me, maybe we could talk about being exclusive- Lee “suggests”
-I cant and you know it- Dean whispers
-Then don’t come crying to me asking for you to be my only one, you aint a chick Winchester- he replies, before grabbing his jacket and going for the door
-Where are you going?- Dean´s broken voice asks
-I am going out to look for some fun, don’t want your mood ruining mine- he says before shutting the door off, leaving a crying Dean in his wake.

Yet another memory starts and this time both Dean and Lee stormed inside a motel room, anger and despair filling up the room, as Lee grabs a lamp and shatters it
-Freaking people, dude- he screams- we are supposed to hunt the evil in the world and for what? Just so they go around killing each other
-I know- Dean responds with barely concealed anger- Almost wished we have finished them off for what they did to those children. Monsters I get, but humans are crazy- Dean exclaims
-Damn right they are, should have finished the work ourselves instead of calling the cops- Lee yells- I am freaking done. I am quitting hunting, they can fend for themselves for all I care- he finishes
-You don’t mean that- Dean responds
-Of course I do- Lee replies- And you should come with me, they don’t deserve us saving them
-I cant do that- Dean exclaims
-Right, forgot Daddy´s little girl doesn’t have the balls- he says grabbing Dean roughly- Well this is it for me, either you come with or get lost.
-I, Lee, please, let go off me- Dean pleads
-No, I don’t think so, you want to see how monstrous a human can be, babe? Let me show you- he says quickly lowering Dean´s pants and entering him from behind, Dean lets a strangled scream before he says
-Please, stop, Lee, stop, it hurts- Dean begs
-No, don’t think so- Lee replies- Just stay still and look pretty- Dean can barely get another word before he passes out from the pain

By the time Dean wakes up, it is already morning and his body protests every tiny movement he does, Lee is sitting at the edge of the bed, head between his hands, Dean makes a noise that alerts Lee that he is awake. The other hunter starts saying something but Dean (and by default the viewers) cannot make up what it is. Lee smiles bitterly before saying
-I am sorry that it got this bad, Dean- he says- You deserved something better. I am gonna go now, please take care- he adds and without much fanfare he grabs his things and leave.
Dean groggily stands up, trails of blood running in his thighs and new bruises marking his naked skin, he searches for something, before he pulls out his phone and dials a familiar tone
-Caleb?- he says on the phone- think you can come pick me up?

Sam is angry and he is crying and he is not really sure what he is feeling except that he wants to find the bastard and ripped him apart one organ at the time, how could he have done this to his brother? Wasn’t he supposed to care for him? Why, just why?
John is livid, he wants to rip the throat out of the younger hunter, at the same time he is sad, how he wishes that for once Dean had something good in his life, why cant his son catch a break?

-I am going to grab him and hang him by the balls, just wait until I get my hands into that…-says Caleb, barely concealing anger in his voice as he drives the car, Dean´s beaten form slouch in the passenger seat, his tiny voice interrupting Caleb´s tirade
-Please, Caleb, stop- he says, wincing as big pain travels through his side with every movement he makes- Calm down
-Do not tell me to calm down. After what that, that asshole did to you he deserves to be kick where the sun doesn’t shine, the fucking coward- he says angrily, making Dean flinch
-Please, Caleb- Dean pleads, tears in his eyes- If I wanted to hear all that, I would have called Bobby. Besides, it was my fault to begin with, if only I haven’t…-Dean says before being abruptly interrupted by Caleb searing the car to the sides, before stopping it completely, hitting the steering wheel a couple of times for good measure.

Sam is shocked, he has no memory of ever seeing the older boy that angry. But is Dean really trying to justify Lee´s actions, after he beat him to a pulp, after he rap…, no, Sam´s mind can go there, if he keeps thinking about it he would go insane, didn’t Dean deserved to be happy for once? John for his part is having similar thoughts, knowing there were very little things that could get that reaction of the late hunter, not that he disagrees, he wants to track that stupid little asshole and make him wish he was never born.

-Don’t, just don’t- the older man says- Don’t defend that asshole, please- he tells Dean- You didn’t deserve to be beaten and rape by your boyfriend
-It wasn’t rape, he was my boyfriend- Dean defends
-Yes it was Dean, please tell me you understand that?- he says looking at Dean with pleading eyes
-It wasn’t, I know what rape is, and that wasn’t, he just got a little rougher
-And the beat down he gave you?- Caleb asks angrily
-You know me, I am smart ass, sometimes I deserve to be smacked down- Dean replies whole heartedly
-Damn you Jonny to all hell- Caleb angrily replies, hitting the wheel once more
-You are not going to tell him, are you?- Dean says starting to hyperventilating- You have to promise me you wont tell him, please- Dean pleads- I will do anything, I can make it up to you for the gas and the time you took- Dean begs, small little hand going to the older man zipper, scared expression in his eyes. The movement pulls Caleb out of his own head and he grabs Dean´s hand before he can go any further, horrified expression in his eyes
-Not that, never that, you hear me Dean?- he begs- I wont tell Jonny anything, but please never offered me that again, fuck Dean, just please don’t do that. You should never use tour body as a bargain chip, alright?- Caleb asks with pleading eyes
-Nor like is worth something- Dean mutters with a small voice
-Oh, Dean- Caleb says heartbroken before he pulls the younger man into a hug.

The Winchesters hearts break with him as they are forced to confront how little Dean thinks of himself and how little they did to comfort him.

Chapter Text

John is going to be sick, he could swear he can hear his stomach doing flips inside him. He can swear he could hear his heart stopped, he is not even sure how he is still alive… How didn’t he notice? Fuck, how could he have been so blind as to not see what was going on with his son? But hasn’t he notice? Because looking back, there is no denying there were signs, like how Dean started to sport different cuts and bruises that he would have to be too close for comfort for a monster to cause, but Dean was always clumsy, John rationalized back then, and he is always getting into some sort of fight, so he didn’t think much about it. Like how Dean started to retreat into himself more, his presence diminishing, but then again Dean tended to be quiet. Like how Dean started to withdraw from them, and John had thought it was just some form of teenage rebellion, as if Dean´s first and last thought weren’t them. Like how Bobby had requested (read: forced) Dean to stay into his house for two months, after Lee had bailed. Like how Dean flinched more than how he would normally… John wants to scream and rage at that last thought, he cant, for the life of him, think of a time when Dean didn’t flinch a little bit every time he went on a rant, there is nothing normal about it, and there shouldn’t been. John had been a damn fool and now, well now he is suffering the consequences.

Sam´s eyes had dried out, that is the only reason why he isn’t crying anymore, because he has run out of tears. He looks down to his hands and fidgets because things are not okay, Sam realizes that things had not been okay for a while, he wonders if they ever were. The sad truth is that Dean was always an afterthought in his family´s mind. They never paid attention or care enough to see what was really going on with him, and they are now paying the bitter price.

The next scene starts and John and Sam can see Dean laying on a bed barely moving, close examination shows that the room he is in is Bobby´s spare room (otherwise known as Dean and Sam´s room). Heated and loud voices can be heard downstairs, and both Winchester narrow their ears to hear what they are saying:
-… I am going to hang him by the balls and shoot him with so much rock salt, he will be shitting margaritas- they hear Bobby yell angrily- That fucking abusive asshole, he better not shows his face here, or else… How dare he treat that boy like that after everything he did for him??? Obsessive fucking asshole, I am going to rip his throat out…
-We still talking about Lee or we are talking about Johnny? -Caleb´s soft voice is heard answering- Cause I am game either way, might include the runt there if you are taking ideas- the younger hunter says
-Damn both of them to hell! -Bobby screams, a loud crash following his statement.

Movement catches both Winchester´s eyes, distracting them from the conversation downstairs, as Dean slowly gets out of bed, his body (and by extend theirs) protesting every movement he makes. The voices fade into the background as Dean slowly walks to the bathroom, every movement as painful as the last, until he comes to a stop in front of the small bathroom mirror and for a movement both older hunters can´t breathe. The Dean in the mirror is almost unrecognizable, his face is swollen in different places, he has a shiner on his eyes and a busted lip, his cheeks are pale and hollow, his eyes are bloodshot, the worst part though is the dead look in them thought, there is barely any light in those beautiful green eyes, and for a minute Sam asks himself whether he is seeing a dead man walking.
Dean stares at his reflection for what seems like hours before he lets out a humorless laugh and says:
-Pathetic- the boy tells his reflection- You really are nothing, don’t you? Lee was right, you are nothing but a two cents slut, nothing but a hole for them to fuck, nobody loves you, because you are unlovable, not even Caleb and Bobby, if they knew the truth… Well, Caleb does now, and you saw the disgusted look he threw your way, he knows you are weak, and now you are wasting Bobby´s hard earned cash as if you were some kind of victim. Shit, why don’t you kill yourself already? - Dean asks, slowly sliding to the floor of the bathroom, pocket knife in his hand as he starts making line in his already marked wrists, and for a moment he fantasies about cutting to deep but he stops himself- Coward- he says to himself- But maybe one day I will get the guts and maybe everybody finally will be free of my stupid fuck up ass- Dean says softly, allowing his tears to spill, before the screen cuts to black.

And fuck, just when Sam thought it was physically impossible to keep crying, bitter tears spill out of his eyes, because they caused this, didn’t they? With their neglect, they caused Dean to think he wasn’t important, they never even realize what was happening right in front of their noses, they couldn’t be bother to pick up their phones until Dean, sweet kind Dean, couldn’t take it anymore. What would have happened if he had come through his plan that day? What kind of horrors would Bobby and Caleb have to face when they had opened that door? Who would have called them and what would they have said? How would they have reacted? And how much longer would they have been able to live with the guilt? Those questions plague Sam´s brain watching the scars in Dean´s arms, questions he already has the answers for.
John cant believe how little Dean thinks of himself, the question that has been of his mind ever since they started watching repeats itself in his brain: What kind of parent is he that he didn’t even notice his son was struggling so much? How many times did Dean almost kill himself? What would he have done if any of those time were successful? He has the answer because he lived it when he got the call, he almost wishes he could fool himself a little longer. The guilt he has been carrying around since The Call threatens to pull him under and he wonder if it hadn’t been for the Trickster, how long would he have lived? Would he have made a deal with some demon? Would he have taken his son route of a quick death or would he have slowly poison himself in alcohol? Or maybe Bobby Singer would have shoot him himself and honestly he probably wouldn’t have made any attempt to stop him.

Next scene starts and John has to reach for the bucket in front of him while Sam makes a strangled noise, Dean is inside a motel room with two men behind him and two men in front of him, all of them naked. The older men are treating Dean as a ragdoll as they enter his tiny body, while the hunter himself does nothing, Dean´s mind miles away until they finish and throw money to his batter form, Dean barely reacting. It goes like this for the next couple of scenes, Dean in progressively more reveling clothes standing outside the bar zone, picking clients and taking them to motel rooms or to some random alley and said men proceeding to do what they want with him, before paying and leaving. The scene flash one after another until finally a familiar car stops in front of Dean, all blood leaves the hunter´s face as he approaches it, he doesn’t even bother seeing who the driver is as he climbs into the car, why would he? He would recognize Bobby´s old beaten car everywhere.
Neither hunter speaks as Bobby speeds out of the street where they are on, tight grip on the wheel. Dean, for his part, is scared, the fear would be pungent in the air without the addition of the trick. The car advances a few miles before Dean abruptly says:
-Please stop the car, I am gonna hurl- and to his credit Bobby kills the engine in the dessert road right away. Dean quickly exits the vehicle, getting to his knees to vomit all his stomach content on the road, a stomach content that John doesn’t want to even think what is composed off, but he has an idea.

-Bobby, I…-Dean says, still kneeling, but he cuts himself off as his voice fails him
-Don’t- Bobby says from where he is standing outside of his car- Just don’t -he says, fist in his hands- Damn it, boy. When Caleb told me he suspected this, I didn’t believe him, told him he had taken one to many hits in the head, that there was no way that Dean Winchester was turning tricks on the street, using his body as currency for men more than twice his age, but apparently I was the one in the wrong- he sneers
-Bobby, I am sorry- Dean says- I am so fucking sorry. Are you... do you want to…-he starts timidly- I mean you have every right to if you wanna…
-The fuck you are talking about, boy? -Bobby asks angrily
-I mean that if you want to… that´s okay, I get it, I know why you are pissed, I mean, you wasted your time and your hard earned money on a whore, the least the whore could do is make it up to you, so if you wanna, you can, I mean, hey, I am a public bicycle everyone gets a ride- Dean finishes.
A collection of expressions passes through Bobby´s face first confusion, then denial, until he finally understands what Dean is saying, his face turning green as he loses his dinner right next to Dean. Dean stays in his knees the whole time, tears wetting his cheeks and falling to the ground but he makes no attempt to stand up, his eyes staring at the ground until two hands take his face and make him look up.
-Dean, how could you…?-Bobby starts saying, tears wetting his cheeks- What did I do…? How can you think I would do that to you? You are the closest thing I have to a son- he finishes
-Yes, but that was before you knew I was a good for nothing whore- Dean states as if it was obvious.
-You are not a good for nothing whore, son- Bobby replies- Who the fuck told you that?
-Well, called it whatever you want, whore, slut, prostitute, tramp. And about everybody new I meet, they all tell me how much my lips were made for sucking and how my ass looks better with a cock inside it, I just learned to accept it.
-Dean, that is not…-Bobby tells him, before stopping himself- Wait a minute, you say you just learned to accept it, you are 19, how long has this been going on?- he yells, Dean mumbles something- What was that?
-I said since I was 13 alright?- Dean says as anger starts to fill him- Yeah that´s right the kid you let sleep in your house is nothing but a cheap whore, is that the answer you wanted? Or do you want details? Do you want an approximate number of how many men I have let use my mouth? What about my ass? Do you want to know how many cocks I have taken on my years in this forsaken life?- he yells
-Dean, son, that is not… -Bobby says lost at words, because really what can he say that would make anything even slightly better- Fuck, where was your daddy on all this?
-Oh give it a rest, not everything is my fucking father´s fault- Dean scoffs
-Oh really- Bobby responds, finding his footing in what is familiar territory- Because last time I checked he was supposed to protect you, the way I see it he dropped the ball, leaving you and Sammy at the mercy off…-Bobby says before being abruptly cut off by Dean
-Dad doesn’t know shit. And keep my brother out of this, or so help me. If you think for a minute that I would have let anything happened to Sammy then you don’t know me at all.
-Dean, that wasn’t your job –Bobby replies
-Yeah, well someone had to make sure one of us got out- Dean bitterly says- I cant do this- he says before standing up and starting walking, all fight leaving him.
-Where are you going?- the older hunter asks scrambling to his feet
-I need some air- he says- I just, I need, yeah, I will come back, just please I need some space- the younger man says before he starts running
-Dean!!!- Bobby´s screams are heard before the screen cuts to black.

Sam hugs his legs, Dean was wrong, it was not worth it, his brother shouldn’t have had to… Fuck, he shouldn’t have had to do that for him. Even thinking of everything Dean sacrificed for him, knowing he responded by being an ungrateful asshole, damn it, Dean should have just gotten out the moment he turned 18 without looking back.
John hangs his head in shame, Bobby´s words stabbing him over and over again, because it all comes down to that doesn’t it? He should have been there for his son, for both of his sons. He was the one responsible to take care of them, financially, physically and emotionally, and he didn’t. If things have gone different, Dean would have taken his secrets to the grave, and his own damn father wouldn’t have even suspected anything

The next scene starts with Dean sitting inside a bar, nursing a whiskey, his phone next to him lighting vibrating in random intervals as he declines every call.
-Rough night at work? –the bartender says, Dean looks up to see a woman in her late 20´s
-Do me a solid- Dean replies- Fuck off
-So terrible night then, you probably need something stronger –she claims serving him another drink- and you should probably take that, seems someone is insisting in communicating with you
-Yeah, watch me- Dean says as he turns off his phone- There. Now my uncle can go fuck off too
-You aint looking so hot there
-Not working tonight sweetie- Dean replies- Don’t need to look anything more than what I am
-And what is that?
-What?
-What you are?- she asks
-No one important- Dean responds
-Well, that would be amazing, last time I checked no one was ever unimportant
-You quoting Dr Who?
-Maybe- she replies with a smirk- I am Rhonda, Rhonda Hurley
-Dean Winchester- the hunter replies shaking her hand
-Seems like you might need a little pick me up
-Already told you I am not working, and I don’t do things for free, make that mistake once
-Bad break-up?- she ponders
-You could call it that way
-Hey, I was only offering a friendly ear, seems like you don’t really want to go back home, my shift will be over in 10 min, and the offer is on the table
-Just a friendly ear?- Dean asks- No strings attached
-Of course.

The scene changes and this time it shows Dean and Rhonda, in her apartment sitting in a sofa, silence surrounding them, but somehow not being awkward, Dean´s head is on her lap and her hand trending through his hair. Dean finally breaks the silence by asking:
-You don’t really have a survival instinct, do you?
-Why do you say that?- she asks
-You do realize you invited a random guy to your apartment, right? -he asks- I could be a serial killer for all you know
-Are you?-she asks back
-No, but if I were, I probably wouldn’t tell you- he replies- Also, you took your pants off and got into your underwear in front of a perfect stranger
-Well, to be fair, you did come to the apartment of someone you didn’t know after telling her no one knew where you were, so I don’t think you are the right person to tell me that –she tells him with a small smile- And about the pants, they were leggings, that stuff is uncomfortable after a while. Besides I don’t think I will have any trouble with you, babe, you bat the same way I do
-You do know I like both right –Dean says lifting his head- As both men and women
-Well –she says- No, I didn’t know that, does it matter though? I don’t think you are looking for a lay.
-No, I guess I don’t- Dean responds- No offense, you are hot but I don’t think I am up to anything.
-Don’t worry stud, I get it –she tells him
-So are those more comfortable?- Dean asks her- I mean they seem soft and…
-My panties you mean?
-I, well…hmm- Dean says
-Yeah, they are- Rhonda says laughing- Wanna try?
-I… what?
-I mean it, I have a pair you can use
-Can I?- he asks blushing
-Yeah, come on- she says.
The scene changes again and this time they are both sitting in the floor of Rhonda´s bedroom, both in panties
-Why?- Dean asks abruptly
-Why did I make you try them?
-No, I mean, why are you being so nice with me? You don’t know me
-Because I wished someone has been to me- she responds, and an understanding passes between them. Minutes passed before Dean tells her
-I have to go- he says regretfully- I need to get to my uncle
-Give me your phone- she says and to his credit Dean does. She does something to it before returning it to him
-There. I put my phone number´s in your phone. If you ever need a friend, I am here- she replies- And keep the underwear
-Thanks- Dean tells her, giving her a small kiss in the cheek as the scene ends

The screen lights up again and this time it shows Dean getting inside Bobby´s house. Bobby is sitting in the couch at the entrance. They both stay frozen for a minute before they both say:
-I am sorry- they said
-I, Bobby, why are you apologizing? -Dean asks confused
-I shouldn’t have reacted how I did- the man responds- I just got so angry, but I should have known better than let the anger dictate my actions, and I am sorry
-You had every right to react how you did- Dean responds- Knowing what I did, it is a wonder you didn’t just beat my dirty ass right there and then
-Dean, don’t say that. Get it through your tick skull, nothing you do can possibly justify someone to beat you to a pulp- the older hunter says- And stop talking like that
-Like what?
-Like you are worth less than dirt
-I just don’t, there are better people- Dean responds crying
-No, there are not. And even if they were none of them are my kids- Bobby responds closing the distance and getting Dean in his arms
-Why can I never be enough? -Dean asks crying
-You are Dean, you are enough- Bobby responds ending the scene with a broken heart, breaking the one of the Winchester´s watching.

Chapter Text

Bobby Singer is not stupid neither is he blind. He knows that it is not normal how Dean flinches at every slight movement, he recognizes that there is something wrong with the Winchester´s dynamic (and to this day he is still not sure if it wouldn’t have been better for everyone involved that he had gone along with his original plan to shoot John and take in the boys), but never in a million years, the truth passed through his mind.

His first reaction when Caleb told him his suspicious, was to lash out (and if he almost got his shotgun, well, Caleb should have known better than telling him when said gun was near him). Thinking back, Caleb probably didn’t deserve the number of adjectives he called him, even if he still thinks that the idjit has gotten one to many hits to the head, but he is getting out of the topic.

The point is, that even with the warning before hand, nothing could have prepared him for the sight that was his boy, wearing clothes that barely covered anything, standing at the side of the road in the outskirts of Sioux Falls, in a place where everybody in town and its surroundings know the prostitutes offer their services.

Bobby wants to clarify he doesn’t have anything against the boys and girls that loiter around the so called “Bar zone” offering their services at passersby. He is not one to judge, he understands there are many reasons why they are there, each one of them having a different story to which he is no privy (and sometimes in the middle of the night when his head is full of what if´s, he wonders if his father had been worse, if his mother had thrown him out after, well, after, would he have ended as one of those kids?). He doesn’t judge them because he understands necessity and free will, after all they called it the oldest profession for a reason (he pays attention to Jim once in a while). That said, it doesn’t make his blood boil less when he finds his boy in said place.

Bobby is the first to acknowledge that his reaction was less than ideal, but he was just so angry. At what, he is not exactly sure. At life for putting his boy in that path, at the thing that killed Mary Winchester and take her away from her kids, at John because let’s be honest most things wrong with Dean could be traced back to his damn father and the way he raised his sons, at little bit at Dean for putting himself in such dire conditions. Mostly, he is mad at himself for not recognizing the signs, for not seeing the suffering or misery in his boy´s eyes and he wonders what had driven Dean to go to such extremes? (By the time the night is over he will have the answers, wishing he could have remained ignorant)

Bobby almost swerves the car of the road at hearing Dean´s tiny scared voice and he feels worse knowing his silence put that fear there. He tries to keep calm if only to not lash out at Dean´s still kneeling form from where he fell after getting sick in the floor, but all caution is thrown out of the window when his brain finally processes what Dean is saying and know is his time to being sick, how could his boy think that he…? Tears spill out of his eyes as he closed the space between him and his boy, taking him into his arms, for a moment not being sure who is holding who.

He recognizes that what follows after, it is not one of his proudest moments, in his defense emotions were running high and he was never one to know what to do in this kind of situations. Put a demon in front of him, he can exorcise him without a though. Put his bleeding boy in front of him and he can patch him up without a trouble. Put his broken crying boy in front of him after you found out one of his deepest secrets and he is not sure how to proceed. His late wife would have called him emotional stunt, but the Winchester´s, specially Dean, are into another level. Combine both? And you have a bomb ready to explode.

The situation only derails from there, ending with Dean running away. Bobby has half a mind to go after him but at the end he decides to let the kid cool down and to calm himself down before he sticks his foot in his mouth, again. What follows is the longest five hours of his life, his cellphone almost glued to his hand as he makes call after call to Dean´s number, leaving increasing more desperate voicemails, waiting for the boy to pick up, until the number comes back as unavailable. He starts to rethink his choice to not go after Dean, but by now is probably late, so he waits. Besides, he is sure that Dean wont skip town, he is almost sure, 90% sure, the percentage decreasing with every hour that passes.

He is debating on whether or not calling the police, when Dean stumbles into his house. He hugs the boy, his boy, with all his strength, as the kid (because for all he looks older, in Bobby´s eyes he will always be a kid, his kid) cries bitter tears in Bobby´s arms. Because what can he say that makes this even slightly better? Bobby waits until the boy falls sleep to let his own tears out, because Dean doesn’t deserve that life, he deserves to be love and appreciate, if anybody deserves the world, that is Dean. A sadness fills Bobby completely and he curses John´s name once more for being the indirect cause of all of Dean´s suffering (and if he cries himself to sleep, well no one is watching)

Dean stays at his house a few days after, he avoids talking about the subject, and Bobby doesn’t ask him anymore questions. Then John calls him and Dean is speeding out of the Salvage Yard. Bobby can do nothing but watch and hope that he could have at least bring some comfort to the poor boy.

After Dean leaves, Bobby gets to work. As stated previously he is not stupid and if his loud brain told him something in those silent days while Dean was staying in his home, was the signs he has previously dismissed. It doesn’t take a genius to remember a time where a young injured Dean called him from a dinner in the middle of nowhere or the story of a motel manager giving them a funny look or the limping, oh fuck, the limping. (That memory will haunt him from the rest of his life, taunting him at every moment)

And Bobby, well, Bobby is nothing if not resourceful, it also helps that John tends to make a mess and leave a trail wherever he goes. It only takes a few phone calls to know the name of the town the Winchesters were staying and a few more to get the exact location of the son of a bitch that took Dean´s innocence.

Bobby wonders after as he is washing his bloody hands if what he did was right. But as he leaves the motel room where the now almost dead monster dressed as a human, he thinks that perhaps some would call what he did wrong, but it was totally justified and fair and good at short and long term, after all he cant hurt anyone else son without functional hands or after he removed without certain part of his anatomy. Let this be a lesson, Bobby thinks, no one messes with my boy.

Chapter Text

Sam is crying and he cant stop, how did they drop the ball so badly regarding Dean? How did they neglect him so badly that he thinks his life is unimportant? How can his brother believe he is worthless? But then again, how could Dean think any different about himself? Aren´t the words Dean keep telling to himself, the same his father and brother are always telling him? That he is an idiot? That he is useless? That his only value is measured by what he does for his family? Sam feels dirty just thinking about all the words he ever directed to his brother, all the times he added to Dean´s already growing insecurities, and oh how he regrets it now, but regrets wont make the time go back nor would it take the words that he so careless threw at Dean´s way.
John is not sure how his heart is still beating or perhaps it already stopped and he just hadn’t notice. He caused this, it is his fault that Dean´s self-stem is on the ground, but it is not fair, Dean didn’t deserve any of this. He didn’t deserve all this suffering, oh how he wishes he would have noticed something was wrong before everything came crashing.

The screen turns on and the Winchesters watch it with hesitation, neither one of them think that they can deal with another heartbreaking scene. For their relief, the scene seems to be somehow a generic one of Dean getting inside their current vacant motel room. A few minutes pass without any explication as to why the scene is there, but they can appreciate the peace, a peace that only last until Dean takes out his pocket knife and starts carving at his wrists.
It is quite a horrifying sight, Sam thinks, seeing Dean´s methodically cutting, as if he was slicing something else, as if h wasn’t putting a knife against his skin, as if a false movement couldn’t end it all.

The sound of a phone cuts through the silence of the room and then Dean starts cursing, scrambling towards it.
-Shit, shit, shit- Dean exclaims, finally grabbing the phone- Yeah?- he answers
-Dean, where the fuck are you?- John´s gruff voice is heard through the receiver and wow, if that is how he sounds when he answers the phone, there is no wonder why Dean thinks his father only loves him when he is useful, John thinks
-I am in the room, sir- Dean´s voice answers, and though his voice is steady, the fear invading the room betrays his real feelings.
-Great job, boy, I am sure that the wendigo will go meet you for tea in the comfort of the motel, great detective work there Dean- John says, sarcasm and venom dripping with every word, and it gives another reason for present John to hate himself a little bit more.
-I am sorry, sir- Dean´s voice shakes- I just thought that…
-Yeah- John interrupts- Better don’t do that, it is not exactly your forth, you aint a genius neither you are particularly smart- What was that? Did John thought he couldn’t hate himself more? Sentence fucking disproved- I don’t want to hear any more excuses, get your lazy ass here now.- John says before hanging up.

Feeling of hurt and worthlessness fill the room, emanating from Dean before panic sets in when Dean realizes his wrists are visibly and still bleeding, he frantically looks for something to cover them until he finds his father´s jacket and hurriedly puts it on before quickly exiting the motel room, ending the memory.

John can feel his past words still ringing in his ears, he wants to go back and scream at his past self, he wants to shake him until he realizes his words are hurting his son, more importantly he wants to come back and ask his son for forgiveness, he wants to lie and say he didn’t mean it, but didn’t he? The truth is he never once mind the words he used when talking to Dean, after all Dean had to be strong for him, he had to be able to work under pressure, he had to be the rock his family could lean on and damn his feelings about it, well, that turned out great didn’t it?
Sam is angry, whether at his dad or at himself, he is not sure, he should have done something, he should have stopped his father´s cutting words, but didn’t he add to them?

Next scene starts and this time it shows Dean and John standing in front of an old cabin, next to them is the Impala and a red familiar truck. The memory is familiar to the older hunter so he lets out a deep breath with the knowledge that at least this one wont be so bad.
-Dean- John says
-Yes, sir? -Dean responds
-Quick thinking back there
-Thank you, sir- Dean preens
-Of course, it would have been better if you had arrived earlier as instructed- John adds
-Of course, sir- Dean deflates
-But I supposed that is not entirely your fault that you had to hotwired a car to get to the scene. That is why I want to give you this, catch- John says throwing something that Dean instinctively catches, when he opens his hand he sees the keys of the Impala
-Sir?- Dean asks bewildered- What?
-The Impala is yours now, son.
-Why?-Dean asks, doubt and confusion present in his tone
-I need to avoid something like today, besides I figured that you need wheels to move so we can cover more ground and so that you can get Sammy from point A to B
-Thank you, sir- Dean says, and while in the past John may have not notice, this time he is aware that his son move as if to give his father a hug, before thinking it twice, and doesn’t that add to his multiple parenting crimes? That his son is unsure of giving him a hug?
-Besides I figured if you were already stealing my jacket, might as well give you the car to go with it- John adds as a “joke”, but saying it felt flat is an understatement if Dean´s feelings and humorless laugh is anything to go by
-Yeah- Dean responds, all happiness gone from his voice- You are going on a hunt?- Dean asks his father changing the subject
-Yes, I am. But you stay here, watch out for Sammy- John says before driving off

The current Winchesters think the scene is over, but the screen keeps playing, this time showing Dean entering the cabin, good mood once again filling him as he calls for Sammy. A good mood that evaporates when he sees a familiar envelope on the table. And Sam cant believe how stupid he was leaving that letter in the open, but then again Dean never said anything, so perhaps he didn’t see it? The excuse seems fake even to his ears, and there is no denying when he watches Dean scanning the letter with the glaring symbol of Stanford printed in a corner.
The moment is interrupted when noise is heard coming from the bathroom and Dean has only enough time to put everything back in place before Sammy appears on frame
-Stop yelling, jerk. What is it?- Sammy asks annoyed. Millions of emotions passed through Dean before he settles in a fake smile and says
-Dress up! We are going to take a ride on my Baby- Dean says, showing Sam the keys
-Don’t you mean Dad´s?- Sam asks
-Nah, I mean mine. Dad just gave her to me. Now, come on, this call for celebration
-Wow- Sammy exclaims- How original, next time he might give you his glock- Sam mutters
-What was that?- Dean asks, feigning that he didn’t heard, he is obviously faking it, because they can feel and heard the hurt in his voice.
-Nothing- Sam quickly responds- Okay, yeah, lets go, I have to go to the library anyways
-To the library it is then- Dean says
Sammy quickly exits the room, leaving Dean behind, Dean, that with a last sad look directed at the admission letter, closes the door.

And fuck, Sam never intended his brother to find out about Stanford like that, not that he intended for him to find out at all, but still… Suddenly things start making sense in Sam´s brain, because after this, Dean started driving him everywhere and wanted to spend as much time with Sam as possible, Sam remembers having been annoyed at his brother´s actions but now they made sense, because Dean knew that Sam was going to walk away, and he didn’t say anything, he didn’t try to stop it, he didn’t even tell his dad, and he suffered in silence knowing that his time with his brother was finite, that soon there wasn’t going to be a Sam and Dean, it was only going to be Dean, and he didn’t do anything to stop Sam, not like Sam had accused him and oh fuck, he even start saving cash, because after this, Sam remembers that Dean started working more and more, and somehow no matter how much money he gained, his brother´s weight keep decreasing to the point where even John made a comment about it and… Sam hangs his head in shame, he doesn’t deserve Dean, he really doesn’t

John doesn’t know whether to be proud or angry. He wants to be angry because how dare Dean hide that from him? How dare him not stopping Sam from leaving? Didn’t he know how important family is? But he is also proud, he is proud that Dean didn’t blindly do what John would have wanted, he is proud his son stood by Sammy when his father didn’t. And ultimately he is sad, he is sad because he knows how this story ended up and it was anything but pretty

The next scenes pass in a flash, showing Dean working his ass off as a waiter, as a mechanic, as bartender, some scenes show him hustling pool, others playing poker, and some more standing at the edge of the road selling his services. The only constant on the scenes is that Dean seem more tired and more skinny the more the scenes progress, they feel like a punch in the guts to the Winchesters who are watching.

Finally, the scene stops in a familiar sight, all Winchesters would be able to recognize it at first glance, it’s the beginning of the end and the only thing they can do is keep watching.
On the screen, Dean is sitting at the edge of one of the beds, holding an ice pack to his face and John is sitting on a chair drinking a beer, while Sam stands in the middle of the room.
-I am leaving- Sam announces to the quiet room
-And just where do you think you are going?- John responds with a beat
-I apply to college and I got in. Full ride to Stanford- Sam says proudly, and in the past Sam might have not noticed but right now he does, he sees Dean´s smile and movement to hug him, but that is interrupted by his father ringing voice.
-College? The fuck you want college for? College wont help the mission- John tells him
-Your mission- Sam responds
-What was that, boy?
-I said your mission, dad, you are the one that is obsessed with it, not me, so forgive me for wanting to do something with my life- Sam yells
-Show some respect, that is your mother´s killer you are talking about, if she was here…
-Well she is not- Sam cuts his father- And I didn’t even meet the woman. I refuse to live in her shadow and I refuse to be your soldier, like Dean.
-Well perhaps you should learn something from your brother then.
-Yeah, the day I want to be a lifeless drone, I let you know. You know? Most parents would be proud of their son, in most families this would be a celebration
-We are not most families, so take that idea out of your head, and stop talking about college, you will be a hunter and that is final
-No, I wont
-Samuel- John says standing up meanly- Be careful of your next words. You leave through that door and don’t you dare come back- John screams and in the back of the room the present Winchesters can see Dean standing up, fear pungent in the air.
-Is that how it is?- Sam asks closing the distance between him and his father
-That is how it is- John responds
-Fine- Sam spats, grabbing his bag and storming out, with Dean closed in his heels

-Sammy, wait- Dean pleads- You cant leave like that
-I can and I will, and an idiot like you is not going to stop me- Sam yells angrily, turning back and almost making Dean lose his footage and flich, and wow as if the scene wasn’t bad enough, Sam thinks, now Dean is scared of me
-Please, Sammy
-Its Sam, and goodbye
-At least- Dean says with a whisper- At least let me drive you to the bus station, please
-Whatever- Sam says, stomping towards the Impala

The drive to the station is quiet and Sam and John finally understand what people mean when they say that the words get stuck in one´s throat if what is Dean feeling is anything to go by. Dean keeps giving side glances to his brother, the air a whirlpool of emotions fear and hurt the most prominent but there is pride between them, a pride that current Sam doesn’t feel deserving off
They finally get to the station and Sam makes movement to get out but Dean´s hand stops him, Sam turns angrily, before Dean offers him something:
-Here, take it- Dean says, giving his brother a wad of cash- I know you said full ride but some pocket money never hurts, right?
-Dean, there is almost 10K in here- Sam says counting it
-Yeah, sorry it wasn’t more, you kind of spring it on me- Dean says and there is shame in his tone
-Yeah- Sam responds- Well, it might help for something- and why couldn’t have Sam said thanks, why did he had to sound recriminating?- I am going
-Yeah, take care, please and hey, call me when you get there- Dean pleads
-Sure- Sam lies- Well, bye, call you soon- he says exiting the car, without looking back
-No you wont- Dean tells to the now empty car

That ending would have been bad enough, sadly the scene didn’t end there. The screen kept rolling now showing a battered Dean arriving at the room, the moment he opens the door, a bottle goes flying towards his head and he barely has time to move out of the ways, before John is pushing him against a wall
-Where the fuck where you boy?- John asks angrily and clearly intoxicated
-I was…- Dean mumbles
-You were getting that entitled bastard away, weren’t you? You were letting him leave, you were letting my son leave
-Dad…
-Drop it- John screams, before letting go of Dean, who falls to the floor- Fuck, look at you, don’t you get tired of being so pathetic? You are useless, Dean, Sam was always better than you, now who is going to do research? You? Do you even know how to read?- John mocks, and in the present John is beating himself up, why did he say such hurtful words to his son? Words that he didn’t mean and worst of all he doesn’t remember- Shit, son, if I knew you were going to be such a pathetic little bitch I would have let you on the side of the road years ago- John finishes before kicking Dean´s crying form a couple times- I am going for a drink, clean your mess- John barks before exiting the room

The scene ends with Dean´s hunched form crying on the floor, feelings of bitterness and hurt filling the room, Sam and John are no better, they feel ashamed of their actions and words, they feel terrible for what they did to Dean, but their shame is fruitless, nothing they can do or say now can erased what happened and their guilt continues long after the scene ends.

Chapter Text

John is horrified and appalled with himself, how could he have treated Dean so badly? He is ashamed to admit he doesn’t remember half of his actions but he is even more ashamed for the part he did remember, because he did remember kicking Dean in the ribs and berating him for crying and he also clearly remember the next day, how he didn’t care or bother to ask Dean whether he was okay or not, he remembers he never apologized, hell, he didn’t even acknowledge him, after all Winchesters don’t talk about feelings, right? Because that obviously turned down great…

Sam is ashamed with himself, just when he thought that things couldn’t get worse, this happens. But then again, what did he think had happened when he left to Stanford without looking back? The image of his extremely thin brother devastated face is now seared in his brain, he cant believe he didn’t notice, but that is wrong isn’t it? He sure as hell noticed that Dean´s thinness has reached well bellow of what it was acceptable for his age, he had also noticed how Dean was barely sleeping, he noticed how quickly Dean had started to resemble a dead man alive, he noticed, he just didn’t care. No, Sam Winchester was too damn focus on his own life plan (his mission) to care about the person that had given everything for him, because he was sure that Dean was always going to be there for him, he took him from granted and now they are facing the consequences.

The screen turns on again and this time it shows Dean driving the Impala, following his father´s truck, even the slight movements of Dean´s hands on the wheel send trembles to the rest of his body, the pain is almost unmanageable to John and Sam, but Dean barely makes a noise. The left side of Dean´s face has purplish tones where a bruise is beginning to form, but the worst part of the scene is the self-loathing that is the only companion of Dean´s.

The scene flash-forwards until both John and Dean are standing in an all familiar Salvage Yard, with Dean barely knocking on the door, before Bobby opens it:
-I am coming, I am coming- Bobby tells them in lieu of greeting- What the hell happened to your face, boy?- he asks angrily, John doesn’t wait for an invitation before entering the house, but Dean stays rooted outside the porch
-Hi, Bobby, nice to see you too- Dean responds, before he sees Bobby´s arch eyebrow and adds- I walk into a door
-The same door that you walked into last time you told me that excuse?- Bobby asks with an eyebrow still arched
-Fine, I got into an altercation with a costumer, that is all- Dean lies
-Dean…
-What? You want details, fine. He wanted to fuck me without a condom, I told him no, he didn’t care, I defended myself, that is all
-Dean…
-Drop it
-Fine, where is your brother at? And what got you and your daddy into such a mood?-Bobby asks, dropping the subject for the moment
-Oh, do you mean Mr. Joe College, oh well, he left- Dean responds, venom dripping in his tone, but there is something else there, the current Winchesters can´t seem to identify- he fucking up and left, said he didn’t want to hunt no more, so dad said good riddance and told him not to come back, and he just left. He left Bobby

And to the shock of Sam, who has always thought of his brother as an unmovable rock, Dean breaks down right there and then, on the front porch of Bobby´s, his body no longer being able to sustain him which cause him to drop to the floor, Bobby scoops Dean´s frame into a tight hug, offering the comfort that Dean´s family never seemed to care to provide him.
John is in shock as well, but he is also horrified with himself, this all happened in his nose, and he was too busy breaking into Bobby´s alcohol stack to even notice that his son hadn’t followed him inside, let alone that he was having a break down less than 20 steps away from him.

The scene ends with Bobby finally managing to calm Dean´s down and it changes once again, this time showing Dean inside an apartment, one that, while only seeing once, the Winchesters are able to recognize, and sure enough a few seconds later, Rhonda appears on frame with a package of bandages, as she helps Dean to bind his “bruised” ribs.
-You know? I aint a doctor, but I am sure that at least one is broken- she tells him with a soft voice
-Yeah, well, I aint a doctor either, but I have experience, and I say they are fine- Dean answers with a winded tone
-I will put that in your tombstone: He said he was fine, because he had experience- she says sarcastically
-That would be an unforgettable sight- Dean answers
-So, want to tell me what happened? Or should I guess?- Rhonda asks
-You already knew that Sammy was going to leave, I told you- Dean answers
-Oh, yeah, for sure, I was asking what was your excuse for the bruise that is taking half your face
-None of your business
-So your dad then- she responds
-He was just a little bit mad, it wasn’t that bad- Dean defends- Please, lets just dropped it and hang out, watch a movie or something- he pleads
-Or something- Rhonda tells him- Fine, but Dean, you need to realize that him being your father is not an excuse- she tells him taking his hands in hers- Please tell me you know that- she asks, but Dean refuses to answer before looking away, ending the memory

And that last sentence breaks something inside John. Because Dean believes that, Dean actually believes that his drunk father beating him up is acceptable, he thinks that just because John wasn’t sober that that excuses the fact that he used him as his personal punching bag and it makes John´s blood boils, because that is what he taught his eldest, his son doesn’t see anything wrong with it, hell, if the relationship with Lee was anything to go by, that is exactly what Dean expects, he thinks that this is normal, John puts his head between his knees as he shakes, it is not until later that he realizes that he is sobbing something fierce, the only thing grounding him is the hand that Sam somehow managed to put in his shoulder and how can Mary´s youngest even bears to touch him? Knowing what he did, knowing the price that Dean paid

Sam dares a look at his father, only to see him shaking in his spot. He manages to stabilize him, putting a hand on his shoulder, even if his mind is far away from this room. Dean´s admission hurts something deep inside him, because how can his courageous brother think so little of himself? Doesn’t he know that it is thanks to him that Sam is even alive now? Doesn’t he know that he is his hero? But that wasn’t true back then, was it? Or more like it was, but Sam wasn’t ready to admit it to anyone, not even himself, and now, well now it is too little too late

If the Winchesters hope the next memory brings them any reprise, they are completely mistaken, because before the scene even starts, screams and yells can be heard around them. The image finally appears on the screen to show Dean standing beside the Impala outside Bobby´s house, the commotion can be heard deep inside the house and John recognize it for what it is, it was the day that Bobby threaten to shoot him after a bad timed comment by John, made the older hunter realized what exactly had caused the bruises in Dean´s frame.

A shot is heard and the next moment John comes out of the house furious, Bobby crocking his shotgun closed behind him, both men show signs of slight intoxication, not that that would have prevented Bobby to actually hit his target:
-Get the fuck out of my house, Winchester- he screams- If I ever see you again, I will shoot you so full of salt that you will be crapping margaritas, you sick son of a bitch
-Yeah, well, nobody wants or needs your help, you bastard, Winchester need no one but themselves- John screams back- C´mon Dean we are leaving- John says making Dean flinch
-You know perfectly well I wasn’t talking to the boy- Bobby yells
-Well, too bad, maybe you should have thought that before, because neither Dean or I are crossing your threshold again
-Dean…-Bobby says and something akin regret crosses his eyes
-Dad…-Dean finally chokes out
-I say we are leaving, get into the car Dean
-But…
-You don’t get in the car and drive in the next 10 seconds, you can stay in here and never talk to me again, is Singer or me?- John tells Dean
-Dad, I…
-10- John counts
-But
-9
-Dad
-8… I am not joking Dean, you want to test me, you get the same treatment that Sammy did. 7. Get inside the fucking car
-Yes, sir- Dean says devastated, climbing inside the Impala and driving away and it is only till he is a few miles away, his father´s truck close behind, that he lets a few tears escape him- I am sorry- he whispers to the otherwise empty car.

Both hunters keep driving until they are far away from Bobby´s, only then does John´s truck passes the Impala, stopping on the sides of an empty road. John and Dean exit their cars, John fuming while Dean stays quiet
-What was that?- John finally asks Dean
-What was what, sir?- Dean asks
-I know you are dumb but you are not that dumb- John tells Dean- What was that back at Singer´s, huh? I gave you a direct order to climb on the car and you hesitate- John scolds- What do you think Singer cares about you? Or you just want to leave, huh? Is that it? Want to go to college like Sammy?- John taunts
-Dad…
-Because I will tell you know boy, your brother has the brains, but you would probably not even last a week
-I am sorry, sir- Dean tells- I just thought, since I am no good at research, that we couldn’t really afford to lose Bobby´s contact, I am sorry- Dean apologies.
-Get this in your thick head, Dean, Winchesters don’t need anybody, we make do with what we have and we work with that, you don’t need help for a hunt and if you do then maybe you are not the partner I need, perhaps you should just focus on doing salt and burns or is that too hard for the princess too?- John taunts, and present John is horrified, he knew he had put too much on Dean´s shoulders but in his mind the words never sounded so harsh.
-No, sir- Dean responds, blank expression on his face, and Sam is scare to realize that even Dean´s feelings are blank
-Good, then c´mon there is a hunt in Arkansas and you are heading there- John barks
-Me?
-Is there an echo or something? Yes, you. I figure that we will both cover more ground if we hunt separate ways and we meet in the middle. I can trust you to get the job done, right? Or are you planning to just stay there and look pretty?
-Yes, sir, I can hunt by myself- Dean responds- Where, hmm, where are you going?- Dean asks hesitantly
-Jeez, a man cannot even do a job without being interrogated. If you must know princess, I am heading to Minnesota- John barks- Need my coordinates too or can I go now?
-No, sir, I… take care
-Same- and with those words John climbs inside his truck and drives away, leaving Dean standing alone in the middle of the road.

Only after John´s car disappears, Dean´s feeling fill the room, as if a wall has just been demolished, the feelings of hurt, loneliness and self-hate, all get muddle together, as Dean starts shaking, tears falling down his eyes, as numbness quickly falls over him, in what can only be called as a dissociated state, Dean dries his face and climbs into the car, driving away.

The sight is horrifying to Sam and John, because for all the crappy things that had happened in Dean´s past memories they have never once seen Dean, so lifeless, like a puppet whose strings were cut.
-You isolated him- Sam tells John, with a monotonous tone- He didn’t have anyone anymore. You, we, we cut him off and then we left him alone, shit, dad, why did we do that?- Sam cries
-I am sorry- John tells him- I am just so fucking sorry
-Yeah, me too- Sam whispers- And you know what, it doesn’t change a damn thing- and for that, John doesn’t have an answer

The screen lights up, this time showing a collection of memories of Dean hunting, each hunt getting progressively more careless and more bloody, a collection of scars also appear in Dean´s body, some caused by a hunt but most of them caused by Dean´s own hand. A few memories in between, show Dean sleeping inside the Impala, selling his services in sketchy bars and truck stations, getting somehow thinner the more time passes.

The scenes finally stop, and Sam wants to be sick, he wants to be sick because he recognizes the hall his brother is standing and he has an inkling of what this scene is about, he closes his eyes as he prays for forgiveness.
On the screen, Dean knock on a door, tired eyes but with excitement, the door opens to reveal Sam´s smiling form, a smile that drops the moment he recognizes who is infront of him
-Dean- Sam says- What are you doing here?
-What a warm welcome, Sammy- Dean says covering his hurt with sarcasm- Really feel the love there
-My name is Sam and I asked again what are you doing here?- he says annoyed
-Can a big brother visit his bro for the holidays?- Dean asks
-Not in our family, they don’t- Sam responds crossing his arms- What do you want?
-I am serious, I just wanted to check on you, see the sights, meet some girls, seeing as someone doesn’t answer his phone- Dean says giving Sam a look- Are you at least going to invite me in?
-There is a reason for that, you know? Look, I get it you want to be a hunter or whatever, but I don’t and like dad said I cant have a foot in and a foot out- Sam responds, and present Sam has half a mind to beat his youngest self with a chair
-Since when do you do what dad says?- Dean asks
-Look, I am sorry that you come all the way here Dean, but I don’t think that it is such a good idea you are here
-Alright, well, I know when I am not wanted, I am going to check the sights and all that- Dean responds hurt dripping in his tone- I am just going to go, sorry for interrupting your life, hopefully that doesn’t make you hate my gift
-What gift?- Sam asks in a shallow tone
-Here- Dean says, passing an envelope to Sammy- I saved a little bit of cash for, hmm, expenses and stuff, it is not much, but, anyways, Merry Christmas, Sammy!- Dean says, turning away
-Dean, wait- Sam calls out, and Dean turns back, hopeful expression on his face- Thanks, maybe next time you come hunting this way you can give me a heads up and we can hang out
-Yeah, I would like that, take care Sam- Dean says, walking away and Sam doesn’t stop him

The current Winchesters think that the scene is over, but the screen keeps playing, showing a teary eyes Dean walking to the Impala, a figure standing beside the car, that makes the hunters´ gut stay on alert
-Wow, man, cool wheels- the man says and Sam recognizes him as his friend Brady
-Thanks- Dean responds shortly
-Wow, you okay?- Brady asks concerns
-Yeah, I am fine, just a small discussion with my brother- Dean says
-Family, am I right?- Brady says- I am Tyson Brady
-Dean Winchester- Dean offers, which he instantly regrets, when Brady friendly face drops
-Sam´s brother? You sure have a lot of nerve showing up in here- he tells him
-What?-Dean asks baffled
-I am Sam´s best friend and boy does he talk about you. How you and your father never let him do anything he wanted, how you move him all around the country, how you couldn’t even provide him with the basic necessities, how he is sorry that you are a good for nothing fuck up, how you poison everything you touch. Shit, man, I almost feel sorry for you- the man says mockingly
-Screw you, pal- Dean responds, his eyes feeling with tears
-Eloquent, really classy, I can hear the richness of your words- Brady mocks- Let me give you a piece of advice “pal”, Sam doesn’t want you or need you here, if it was up to him he wouldn’t ever have to see you again, I mean I don’t blame him, though if I ever wanted a good lay I probably would call you, of course I would have to wear a condom, I wouldn’t like to be infected with whatever you have there- he taunts as Dean lets a few stray tears escape- You should probably go, go cry to daddy, you slut, and let Sam alone, wouldn’t want him to catch your uselessness- he finishes, slapping Dean´s rear as he quickly passes him, climbing in his car and speeding up.

Sam loses his stomach, right there and then, his tears fall freely, not knowing how to react or respond to what just happened, Brady never once mention any of this, come to think about Sam doesn’t remember telling him half of this stuff, but he must have, otherwise why did Brady know just where to hit Dean? That doesn’t make it any better, though, he can’t believe that anyone that he had associate had been so cruel as to say those things to Dean, what is worse is that Dean actually believe that Sam believed all those things of him, oh fuck, Dean must have thought that Sam hated him, guilt creeps inside Sam, and he wonders just how longer is the list of the crimes he committed against his brother.
John´s brain can’t compute. His mind is just a turmoil of different thoughts, did Sam actually think that of his family? Was he so ashamed of how they lived? And he understands, he knows he was a terrible father to his sons, he deserves all the hate they have to offer, what he cant understand is how Sam could have said all those nasty things about Dean. There is a ping in the back of his head that tells him that there is something wrong with this Brady character, but it gets lost in the other million thoughts inside his head.

The next scene starts and this time they see Dean sitting inside a dirty bathtub, making a phone call, and the Winchesters´ blood runs cold, this memory is so alike to a different motel room in a more recent time. Dean is playing with his favorite blade, as he waits the call to connect, finally a gruff voice answers
-Hello?- Bobby says, and after a minute without response he adds- I can hear your breathing you idjit, either tell me who this is or I will hang..
-Bobby?- Dean´s voice cuts through Bobby´s rant
-Dean, kid- Bobby responds relieved- Boy, you gave me quite the scare, the reports other hunters have given me are something, where are…
-Yeah- Dean interrupts- Listen, Bobby, I just wanted to call you to thank you, for, well, everything, you were always there when nobody else was and you took care of me, even when I don’t deserve it, and why would you waste your time with a dirty used and useless whore like me, is anyone´s guess, but, yeah- Dean trails off
-Dean, kid, what is going on?- Bobby asks concerned- You are scaring me. Where are you? Are you or your daddy hurt?
-Nah, I am just done, Bobby. I am... I am tapping out. I cant do this anymore, but I thought you deserved to know
-Dean, boy, don’t you do anything stupid.
-I am sorry Bobby, you can find my body at the Halfway motel in Sioux Falls, and I know that is it too much to ask but do you think you can maybe give me a hunters funeral, I would hate to come back- Dean asks crying
-Dean, don’t you…
-Goodbye, Bobby- Dean says hanging up- I will see you in another life- he tells the empty room, before grabbing the knife and slicing both of his wrists.

Chapter Text

After the scene finishes, Sam falls to the floor, hunching into himself, empirically he knew that Dean has been suicidal since before his family even noticed (or cared), hell, in the memories he has seen Dean cutting himself, but nothing prepared him to see Dean slicing his wrists open. Sam starts crying as the reality of the situation comes crashing down on him, because even though he knows Dean survived, he cant help but wonder what would have happened if he hadn’t, if just a couple of days after he had turned down Dean at Stanford he had gotten a call to let him know his brother was dead after killing himself. The guilt after the fact would have eaten him alive, hell, the guilt is eating him alive right now. He starts shivering and crying, because at the end that is the only thing he can do now.

John clutches his heart and for a minute he is afraid he is having a heart attack, not that he thinks the Trickster would let him die without seeing everything that has taken them to this moment. He starts hyperventilating by just thinking about what he saw Dean do. How could he have messed up so badly? His son tried to kill himself years ago and not only he didn’t know, but Dean didn’t even think to call him before. John´s mind runs miles per hour thinking how that scenario would have played by, Singer calling him after the fact, screaming his ears out, finding out Dean was dead by his own hand, and it is too much, he cant even begin to… He cant think like that, not now and not ever.
A wounded noise distracts him as he sees Sam sobbing on the floor, he stands up and helps his son to his feet, hugging him, and if he starts crying, well, he wasn’t denying it.

After what seem like hours, both Winchesters finally calm themselves enough to go back to their seats, in time to see the screen lights up as the Trickster appears on the screen:
-The next couple of scenes are going to be from the point of view of Tessa, you know her, the Reaper, just in case you haven’t noticed how close it was. You will probably notice when the memories returned to be from Dean´s view. So lets begin- he says before disappearing as a new scene begins.

The screen turns black as a phone call is hear, once of the callers having a familiar voice:
-911, what is your emergency?
-I need an ambulance at the Halfway motel in Sioux Falls- Bobby´s shaky voice can be heard through a speaker
-Of course, sir, are you or somebody else injured?
-I think… I think my so… my nephew is going to try to kill himself- Bobby says
-Why do you think that, sir?
-Because he just call me to tell me that- Bobby snaps
-Alright, sir, calm down, an ambulance is already in the way. What is your name?
-Bobby Singer
-And the one of your nephew?
-Dean Winchester
-Alright, and have your nephew ever tried anything like this before?
-I don’t know- Bobby confesses as the voices fade out

The screen doesn’t let the Winchesters rest as it starts to show the next memory, this time showing the paramedics breaking into the motel room, rushing as they get into the bathroom taking in the horrifying scene.
John feels bile climbing through his throat as he takes in the scene in front of him. He thought he had seen the more terrible scenes the world had to offer, but as the memories keep progressing he realizes that he hadn’t even seen the tip of the iceberg. The scene will haunt him for the rest of his life, as he watches the paramedics take Dean´s limp body out of the bloody water and start CPR, that they might as well be doing to a mannequin for all the life Dean has at the moment.
Sam almost passes out watching the screen, before today he would have never called himself queasy, a few days ago he would have prided himself of having a strong stomach, there none of that now as he takes in the bloody bathtub, he wonders if they were able to clean it up after the fact, he wonders if he will ever be able to clean his bloody hands after this, he ponders if he would ever be able to erase the image of a bloody Dean of his head.

The scene shifts once again, this time showing the paramedics entering an ER with Dean in a stretcher as the doctors start trying to help.
-What do we have?- the doctor asks the paramedics as they come to a stop
-22-year-old male, name is Dean Winchester, his uncle called 911 after he called him to say goodbye, we found him inside a bathtub with both his wrists cut open
-Shit, okay, I am going to need 2 bags of O- -the doctor tells the nurse- and a suture kit
-There is something more you should know doc- the paramedic says- we found multiple self-harm lacerations on his thighs, upper arms and stomach, he is also severely underweight
-Poor kid- the doctor says before the monitors start to beep
-BP is crashing- a nurse says
-Crap, someone, bring me a crash car, now- the doctor says as he starts doing CPR on Dean´s chest- C´mon kid, you still have a life in front of you- he yells as the screen fades

The scene shifts and this time it shows a worried Bobby sitting in the waiting room, head in his hands, a shadow looms over him, and Sam´s heart skips a beat as the spectral form of Dean hugs the old hunter, with hands that don’t quite touch him.
-We meet again- a woman´s voice can be heard as Tessa appears on frame
-Hi, Tessa- Dean greets standing up with a hollow voice- Are you here to reap me?
-Not yet- she says- not for your like of trying apparently. Regretting your last choice?
-A little bit, yeah- Dean confesses- Is there an option now?
-No, that was almost a one-time deal, this time is out of both of our hands. But just out of curiosity would you have taken it if I had offered?
-Oh sweetie, I should have taken the out when I had the chance- Dean says, before a doctor enters the ER cutting the scene.

Sam´s mind goes numb, he cant believe what just come out of Dean´s mouth, how could his brother think that everything would have been better if he was dead? Is there any wonder that they are here now if that happened right under their noses without noticing? He wants to go back to the moment where Dean appeared in his doorstep in Stanford. If he could have a do over, he wouldn’t even let Dean say hello before hugging him, he would have invited him to come in and he wouldn’t had let him go before he won a couple pounds, he would if he had the chance, too bad he is already out of chances.
John´s heart hurts something fierce watching his oldest, memories of a happy boy full of hope and opportunities fill his mind, what happen to the happy smiling boy that Dean used to be? When did John crush his son so badly that he destroyed him from the inside? Because it has to take a special kind of monster to do that, a monster he sees every time when he looks into a mirror. Not for the first time, John is thankful for Bobby, there is a tingle of jealousy too, but he shuts it down, he cant be jealous, he lost that right a long time ago.

A beeping noise makes Sam and John pay attention to the screen, that is now showing a tired Bobby sitting next to Dean, who is laying on a hospital bed. Dean starts moving slightly before he opens his eyes. There is an air of disappointment and sadness in the air that knocks the air out of the Winchester´s lungs, is Dean really so disappointed that he lived? They are not sure they want to know the answer.
On the scene, Dean speaks, drawing Bobby´s attention
-Bobby…- Dean says- What?
-You are awake- Bobby answers, tone flat
-Yeah, I… how?- Dean asks, trying to move, only to find his arms restrained- And why am I tied?
-Jeez, I don’t know- Bobby says, anger lacing his tone- Might have been the fact that you decided put some new scars in your body and almost died
-Great- Dean mumbles- Cant even killed myself right- he adds with a low voice, but not low enough for Bobby not to here
-You fucking idjit!!- Bobby yells- Are you trying to kill me? Fucking hell, boy, do you have any idea how close you were?
-Bobby…-Dean says before Bobby interrupts
-No, it is my turn to talk, fucking hell, Dean, I have had some terrible phone calls in my years of hunting but nothing has been as bad as hearing my boy´s voice thanking me and telling me he is checking out as if he was talking about the water. What the hell were you expecting? That I fell asleep after that and go pick your body in the morning? How could you think anyone would be better with you gone? Are you that screwed in the head? Huh?
-Nobody needs a worthless fuck up in their lives- Dean responds, a single tear making his way down his cheek
-Who the fuck put that fucking idea in your head, boy?- Bobby asks with despair- You are not worthless nor a fuck up
-But I am a dirty cheap two cents whore- Dean responds dejectedly
-Balls, boy- Bobby swears- Please say something
-I don’t know what you want me to say- Dean answers- When can I leave this joint?
-You cant
-What do you mean I can?- Dean asks spooked
-It means the hospital after seeing what you did, plus your countless additions to your body and the fact that you are severely underweight decided to put you into a suicide watch. You have to stay 48 hours in here and afterwards you have two choices, either you check yourself into a clinic for 30 days or you come to my house where I can keep an eye on you until you convince me you wont off yourself the next time no one is watching. And before you choose, I would like you to remember that I am a hell of a hunter and I will drag your ass down to the clinic if you even think of escaping
-Seems to me like there is no much choice- Dean answers bitterly- I guess I will go with you
-Good choice- Bobby answers before they both fall into silence.

The next couple of scenes play rapidly as they watch Dean goes into a state of numbness that almost borderlines in being catatonic. The Winchesters watch as Dean is finally released from the hospital, going back to Bobby´s house. They are horrified to watch hours of Dean sitting in the same place, without moving, Bobby practically having to force him into the kitchen so he can eat his meals, and then essentially force feed him until he at least cleared half of his plate. It is a terrible sight to see Dean so lifeless, like a puppet whose strings were cut.

It finally ends on a scene where Dean is sitting at Bobby´s kitchen table staring at a wall, when Bobby drops something heavy in front of him, startling him. Dean turns his head around making a confuse noise, before Bobby says:
-That is a book, specifically a book that can help you pass your GED, so you can finish your essential education. Since apparently you seem to think that you are dumb as a rock, I figure that this could prove you that you aren’t and also gives you the opportunity to have something to do, instead of staring at my walls- Bobby finishes before exiting the kitchen.
Dean keeps staring at the space Bobby vacated for a few minutes, before hesitantly grabbing the book.

The scene ends with a somehow hopeful tone, but for the Winchesters it tastes bittersweet, Dean might have been saved for the moment being, but they know that it didn’t last, and that is a tough pill to swallow.

Chapter Text

Sam feels defeated, there is no other word to describe how he is feeling. All those things happened to Dean and he never had a clue, hell, he only now knows because of this whole mess. The truth is that they did this to Dean, himself and his father are the ones responsible for where they are right now. Sam feels ready to burst in tears once more knowing what his indifference caused, he wants to rage and tell himself that he couldn’t have known but seeing Dean´s broken expression, seeing Dean´s eyes dimming as each memory that passes is yet another stabbed to Sam´s already broken heart. There is nothing he can do or said now that would fix this, and he can only hope that at least Dean get some decent memories before… well, before.

John can feel the tear tracks in his face but he doesn’t do anything to clean them, truth to be told, he is in shock after seeing what he saw, he cant believe this all happened and he never knew. He wonders not for the first time if it wouldn’t have been better if he had let his boys with Bobby or Jim all those years ago, hell, he could have even let Dean at the boys home, it is obvious that that Sonny guy was better parental figure than himself, but wondering is a moot point now, and there is nothing that he can do know but watch as Dean slowly loses himself.

The screen lights up once again, this time showing Dean inside a familiar bar. He sits at the bar, before a glass is roughly put in front of him and a female voice says:
-We are closed- Rhonda says pissed off expression on her face. Dean looks around bewildered to the half full bar before saying
-At 8 pm?- he asks
-For you it is- she responds
-What did I do?- Dean asks startled
-You know? I am not sure, but I think perhaps you did something bad, like I don’t know, slicing your fucking wrists in a motel room an hour after you called me, which I only found out because your uncle knows we are friends and come to tell me and then proceed to ignore my calls and messages and me not knowing whether you were alive- the girl says, her hands and voice shaking- you take your pick
-I am sorry- Dean says swallowing hard- It wasn’t my intention to worry you, I haven’t actually used my phone since before I tried to, well, that- Dean apologizes
-Yeah, well, I am still not serving you- the girl responds after taking a deep breath
-That is fair- Dean answers with a sad smile, before beginning to stand up
-And where the fuck you think you are going?- Rhonda asks angrily
-Thought you didn’t want me around- Dean answers
-And when the fuck did I say that? Sit down, you asshole, you and I have a pending conversation after I close this joint- she tells him as he sits down once more- But perhaps you should call your uncle before he sends the search party- she says
-Don’t worry, he is the one that drove me. I am under constant vigilance, not going anywhere by myself.
-Sounds fair- she responds, before serving him a drink
-Thought you said no alcohol?- Dean says with a small smile
-Ever heard of not alcoholic drinks?- Rhonda answers back, smiling back

The scene changes and sadness fill the room, as the screen shows Dean and Rhonda sitting awkwardly on the floor in Rhonda´s apartment, the silence almost suffocating the room, before Dean breaks it saying:
-Rhonda, listen…
-Why, Dean?- Rhonda asks cutting him off
-I don’t think I can explain why, I was just feeling so down, and I couldn’t see an end and I guess, I just couldn’t take it anymore. - Dean answers so truthfully and with so much sadness, that he pulls a couple of tears out of John´s and Sam´s eyes.
-And why not asking for help? Why not telling your uncle, me? Don’t you know we care about you?- Rhonda asks hugging herself
-I know, but…-Dean says before cutting himself with a sad laugh- You know? I have always heard that people say that suicide is a cry for help, and I have never understood it, you only cry for help when you believe that there is help to cry for. And I know that you are going to say that Bobby and you were here, but…
-But we weren’t enough- she finishes, tears streaming down her face- because we are not the ones you needed to be here
-I wish it could be enough, I wish I was enough- Dean cries quietly, while Rhonda pulls him into a hug

And just like that, that last sentence hits John, like a dagger to the heart, because he caused this, Dean´s self-esteem didn’t deteriorate out of the blue, it took months and years of his own father calling him names and never giving him the valor he deserved that caused this, the same father that now has to watch as his oldest lose all the light he used to have in his beautiful green eyes and wonder just how much can Dean break before he cannot longer glue himself back together (sometime he wonders if it hasn’t happen already)

Sam remembers having a fairytale´s book when he was a kid, pastor Jim gave it to him for his 5th birthday and it was one of his most precious treasures, at least before he grew up and happy endings stopped being realistic, he is not even sure what happened to it now that he thinks about it (if he were to look for it, he would found it tuck inside the Impala, where Dean put it as a way to remember happier times), that wasn’t the point, though, inside the book, the third chapter if Sam remembers correctly was the Humpty Dumpty´s tale, that Dean used to read to him before Sam outgrew such things (and how he regrets taking it for granted now). Dean used to do the voices and made Sam laughed as he read it, but Sam is no longer laughing about the tale, he now understands it, even if he wishes he didn’t, because just like in the tale, Sam is now realizing that there is no way to put Dean back together, all the king´s horses and all the king´s men indeed.

After what seems like an eternity, the scene changes once more, this time showing Dean entering Bobby´s home the next day
-Had fun?- Bobby says from the living room where he is sitting, making Dean´s heart jump a beat.
-Hell, Bobby- Dean answers, eyes still slightly puffy- You scared the living shit out of me, did you stay here all night waiting for me?
-I was doing some research- Bobby lies unconvincingly- You are late; she drove you?
-Yeah, Rhonda and I fell asleep, and she brought me here, since someone doesn’t trust me with the keys of my own car- Dean bites
-Tell you what? You have someone pull the shit you put on me, and see if you trust him with the keys- Bobby snaps back, before sighing- Dean, I am sorry I didn’t mean it
-Except you did- Dean answers back- Bobby, look, I know what I did, I am so sorry that I worry you, it was never my intention
-I know it wasn’t your intention, you idjit, because you didn’t think anyone would care, and I am sorry that I didn’t give you enough confidence in me for you to come to me when you were having issues- Bobby apologizes
-No, Bobby- Dean denies- don’t say that, if it wasn’t for you, I would have thrown away the towel a long time ago, shit, man, you are the only person who has always believed in me, who has always been there for me- Dean says with silent tears- You are the only one who thinks of me as someone who is worthy.
-I wish I could have done more- Bobby confesses, before pulling the boy into a hug, and showing himself as the father that John never was.

The screen lights up once more, this time showing clip after clip of Dean studying and reading book after book, preparing himself for his GED, as the scenes progress, the Winchesters can see how Dean regains weight, as he stops looking like a corpse, his cheeks filling with color and his eyes regaining some of the light (Sam can tell that the light in Dean´s eyes is still dull and it scares him)

The screen finally stops at one scene that shows Dean inside a library searching for a book, a pencil tugged behind his ear, he finally finds what he is looking for, but as he goes to take it out of the shelf a hand makes accidental contact with him, Dean turns around to find a beautiful woman standing behind him.
-Sorry- they say at the same time.
-Sorry- Dean repeats- I didn’t see you there, do you, hmm, need this?- Dean says waving the book
-Yes, but I supposed you do too- she responds
-Yeah- Dean says sheepishly- I need it for my GED- he confesses
-And I need it for my thesis- she responds- So I guess we are in a crossroad
-I guess we are- Dean replies- Dean Winchester- he says extending his hand
-Cassie Robinson- she replies, shaking his hand- Well, GED boy, guess we should talk and reach a compromise, shouldn’t we?
-Guess, we should- Dean responds smiling as the scene draws to a close

There is hope filling the room, hope that both Winchesters know it wont last, because even if they cant tell right now, the good memories are running out.

Chapter Text

As the hope lingers in the room, Sam cant help but feel dread about the events that are to come, he wishes he could be optimistic, he really does, but he cannot longer deny the bitter truth, knowing the longer the memories go on, the closest they are getting to the inevitable end.

“Hope is what will kill you at the end” is a phrase John remembers hearing her mother said all those years ago to his aunt after his cousin got diagnosed with a fatal disease, John being a teenager never quite understood what his mother was referring after all hope is supposed to be the last thing to lose, isn’t it? Now, he gets it, though, as he is sitting here, watching Dean´s memories and trying to cling to the thinning rays of hope, he gets what his mother was talking about. A husband who loses his wife is a widow, a kid that loses his parents is an orphan, but how do you call a father who loses his son? (A dead man walking, his mind supplies)

The screen turns up again, interrupting the Winchesters thoughts, and they brace themselves for what is about to come.
Despite their pessimist, excitement is the thing that fills the room, tinted with some nervousness, as the screen shows Dean outside the place where he is supposed to take his big test, surrounded by Bobby, Cassie and Rhonda.
-I cant do this- Dean says bouncing in his place, nervousness filling his tone- I need more time to study
-You got this, boy, don’t you go doubting yourself now- Bobby reassures him
-But I cant, what if I make a fool of myself?, I don’t even remember more than 12 numbers of Pi
-Winchester, you always make a fool of yourself, that has never stopped you from being the best- Rhonda tells him- Also, I am pretty sure they are not going to ask you that
-You don’t know that, what if they do and I am the only one who doesn’t know?
-Dean- Cassie says holding his hand- Breathe. You got this, cowboy- she says giving him a sweet kiss
-I got this- Dean responds, giving them a boyish smile before entering the building.

The scene fast-forwards a few hours later, showing a smiley and triumphant Dean getting out of the Hall, proudly showing his results to his family as they all congratulate him, Dean accepts the hugs as he proclaims:
-Nice to know, I am more than just a pretty face- he says laughing

And with that phrase something breaks inside Sam, because he knows where his brother got the idea that he wasn’t smart, fuck does he knows, and it is not fair, because Sam should be there celebrating and congratulating his brother, he should had been the one to helped Dean study, but then again Dean probably wouldn’t have taken the test if Sam had been there, would he? Because for all that Sam nagged his brother about not getting a higher education, he was the first to put Dean down when he showed even a little of his intelligence, after all Sam was supposed to be the intelligent brother wasn’t he? He asks himself bitterly.
John has many regrets, but the thing he regrets the more is missing so much of his oldest son´s life, he was so sure of himself that there would be time when he caught the thing that killed Mary, he promised himself to do better once his quest was over, that he would give his boys a childhood once his revenge was seethed, except that when it was finally over, when he finally turned around to see what had been in front of him, it was already too late, he missed everything and now the only thing left was regret.

Through those intrusive thoughts, the scenes continue, happiness filling the room as it shows snippets of Cassie and Dean going to the movies, eating dinner together, going out to bars, to the mall, to the park, Dean driving Cassie to her work, Cassie taking Dean to an art gallery, both of them so happy with each other, that for a moment everything else stops.
Of course, because this is Dean´s story, that happiness doesn’t last and the world comes crashing down, beginning with a phone call.

The screen changes, this time showing Dean waking up, with Cassie besides him, domesticity clear in the scene. Dean tries to get up before a hand stops him:
-5 more minutes- Cassie says sleepily, making Dean laugh
-You said that 5 minutes ago- he responds- C´mon Cassie, you’ll be late- Dean says while putting a t-shirt on- I will make you breakfast if you get up now- he bribes
-Well, why didn’t you start with that?- Cassie says finally getting up- I am going to take a shower and I expect breakfast when I get out, gotcha?
-Gotcha- Dean responds
The scene changes this time showing Dean kissing Cassie as she leaves, before she says:
-See you later, cowboy, I love you- she tells him
-I will see you later, beautiful- Dean responds with a smile, a smile that peels off his face as Cassie drives away

-There are three words, Winchester, goddamn it, why cant you just said it?- he tells himself as he is cleaning the table- C´mon, you’re a big boy, you can do it- he says gritting his teeth
Dean´s inner monologue is interrupted by the sound of his cellphone ringing, which Dean answers without a thought, thing that he will probably regret later.
-Hello?- he responds
-Where the fuck are you?- a gruff voice says at the other end
-Dad?- Dean asks startled
-No, the tooth fairy, of course is me- John responds sarcasm dripping- I will ask again where the fuck are you?
-I am in South Dakota, sir- Dean responds
-Well, I need you in Indiana, now, I have a case and I need back up- John answers- So drop whatever you are doing and come meet me to the coordinates I am sending you
-Dad, wait, look, I cant just up and leave, I have the beginnings of a life here, I mean I could probably…
-I am sorry- John interrupts- I thought I was talking with Dean, the one that understood the importance of the mission, didn’t know I was talking to the selfish brat known as Samuel- he says anger in his tone
-Don’t call Sam that, he is not a selfish brat just because he wanted to go to college- Dean defends, white knuckles clutching the phone
-Yeah, sure you will defend him now that you have what did you call it “the beginning of a life”, thought that I have raised you better than that, thought you loved your mother, my mistake then
-Don’t say that- Dean says- Don’t say that about mom, you know I love her
-Then prove it, and stop being a coward- John taunts- I expect you here tonight
-Wait, dad- Dean tells him- Look, I can be there by tomorrow, but not tonight, I have to tell my girl I am leaving for a few days
-A girl? A girl, Dean, really? One that lasted more than one night? Have you learned nothing? We cant afford to have someone waiting us at home, it will only end in tragedy, I bet she is a civilian too
-Well, yeah, but…
-You know what? Fine, whatever, I will see you tomorrow I guess, just don’t come crying when this blows up in your face- John says hanging up
-It wont, dad- Dean tells the empty room- Cassie will understand, you´ll see

Except she wont, Sam thinks. Sam knows how this story ends and it doesn’t end pretty, he could tell himself when they met up with Cassie again, the devastated smile and the longing looks Dean gave her were enough to clue him in. Because Dean truly loved her, but at the end it wasn’t enough to make her stay.
John hears in horror the manipulative words his younger self throws his kids, the hypocrisy dripping in his tone and he hopes that Dean and Sam never find out about Adam, because then they will realize that for all that John berated them for having a partner, he was the first to go play house with another family.

The screen flash-forwards to that night as a painful scene plays out in front of them. The screen shows Cassie arriving home to see Dean sitting at the couch, duffel bag besides him, Cassie asks him what is wrong, and Dean tells her, he tells her everything, about the hunt, about the supernatural and about the mission, and there is hope in Dean´s tone as he finishes explaining, hope because Cassie didn’t interrupt him, hope that perhaps his father is wrong, hope that Cassie will still love him, hope that is quickly squashed down by Cassie´s next words
-Get out- she says, voice firm and cold
-What?- Dean asks stupidly
-I said get out- Cassie repeats
-Wait, Cassie…
-You know, if you wanted to break up with me, you should have just said so, you didn’t need to go invent all that Hansel and Gretel story. I really thought you were the one- she tells him bitterly
-Wait, no, I am not lying- Dean tries to defend himself
-Even worse, then, what kind of psychopath thinks that monsters are real, huh? Hell, I knew you were screwed up in the head, but monsters, really?- she tells him- Get out of my house and don’t you dare coming back
-Cassie, please don’t do this- he pleads
-I didn’t do anything, you did it yourself, now get out, before I call the cops- she yells
-Alright- Dean accepts numbly, taking his duffel bag and heading towards the door, he turns around one last time, telling her- For what is worth, I am sorry
-I am sorry too- Cassie responds- Sorry that I wasted my time with a psycho like you- she says closing the door in tears, leaving a devastated Dean standing in the porch

Dean climbs into Baby and drives and drives and he keeps driving until Cassie is miles away and the road is empty, only then he stops and the numbness gives way to sadness, sadness that gets the waterworks going for what seems like hours and perhaps they are, as by the time the tears in Dean´s face finally stop, the sun is already rising, Dean gets out of Baby and he exclaims yelling at the sky
-I get it, okay, I get it- he yells not caring he is in the middle of the road- I don’t deserve happiness, I don’t deserve a girlfriend or a house, I am a hunter, I will always be a hunter till the day I die, I am worthless, I am screw up, and I will never amount to anything else, I will die bloody one day, hopefully on a hunt but probably by my hand, is that what you wanted to hear, universe?- he screams before silently whipping his tears and climbing once more into the Impala and driving away.

John considers if it wouldn’t be better if he pushed the button, the red button that as time passes looks even more seductively, because he cant take this anymore, he cant take seeing his son suffer knowing that deep down it is all his fault, knowing he caused this, but he knows that pressing the button would be selfish, because he wouldn’t do it for Dean, he would do it to stop his own suffering and he deserves to see and feel every single thing he caused.
Sam throws up once more, just when he thought Dean couldn’t break more, this happens and he wonders how did they miss so much.

The next scene starts this time showing Dean and John sitting inside a bar, after catching the monster of the week, John drinking his beer slowly and Dean drinking shots as if they were water
-You were right- Dean says- About the girl, didn’t work out
-I am sorry son, but man like us, we are not meant for the white picket life- John says, and present John cringes at his past self
-Yeah, I get it now
-Nice job, down there, you are a good hunter, cling to that- John tells him, getting up and patting his back
-Where are you going?- Dean asks
-Have a one-man job line up- John tells him- I will call you if I need backup
-Alright- Dean says finishing his shot and signaling the bartender to serve him more- See you- Dean says to the already retreating figure of his father.
Another drink, becomes three, and before he knows it Dean is quite drunk, normally he would have stopped but this time he keeps drinking and drinking until he passes out inside the Impala.

What follows next is the stuff of nightmares for John and Sam as they watch as Dean continues drinking going from bar to bar, he is half-sober when he meets her, her being a girl named Lisa, who takes him to her home, where they proceed to have marathon sex over and over again for the weekend. Of course the Winchesters don’t see the act itself, but there are enough fragments for them to get a clue. John doesn’t get why this is important, but Sam understands it perfectly, there is a coldness and numbness to Dean that shouldn’t be there, his movements are robotic, his smile is plastic and his eyes are miles away and not exactly because of the alcohol, this is his big brother dissociating, this is Dean resigning himself to a life of suffering, this is Dean giving up (this is Dean trying to have one last hurray, is the thing that Sam refuses to even think)

The scene with Lisa ends with Dean leaving her house after the weekend, taking a shot of his flask. The next scenes are all jumbled together as Dean submerges himself in the hunt, no longer caring about his wellbeing or his health, they show a ruthless Dean, hunting things and saving people, they also show him being reckless, drinking on the job, and getting drunk afterwards, declining calls from Bobby and Rhonda and even Caleb. He becomes the most efficient hunter that John has ever seen, but then again, John thinks, the most dangerous man is the one who no longer has nothing to lose and no longer fears death.

The screen finally stops at an abandoned church in the middle of nowhere, noises can be heard as furniture is drag around on the inside of it. Poltergeist, Sam and John both think, as they watch Dean getting out of Baby and stumbling towards the scene. And John wants to stop Dean, his son is in no condition to hunt if the lose clothes and the stumbling are anything to go by, but as he has learnt there is nothing he can do but pray that nothing bad happens.
What follows breaks something inside Sam as he watches his brave and broken big brother being thrown around like a rag doll by the Poltergeist and it then in the middle of the fight when Sam notices something else, Dean has stopped fighting, because in reality the abandoned church is in the middle of nowhere, yes, there is a poltergeist in there, but Sam is almost 90% sure that it hasn’t actually hurt someone, the structure of the building too weak for even the most adventurous to get in, which means that Dean seek this hunt, this hunt where he knew it didn’t matter whether he beat the monster or not, this hunt where nobody could see him give up, this hunt that they could blame for his death, this hunt Dean is using to kill himself, Sam´s fears are confirmed when the creature attacks his brother and he doesn’t move out of the way, no, Dean accepts the finality of all as the being throws him out of third-floor window, leaving him a bloody broken mess in the floor, as he exhales with a smile
-At least, I will get to see mom again- he smiles before passing out.

And just like that, the heart of the Winchesters break once more, there is nothing they can say or do anymore, because even if Dean lives, it is only delaying the inevitable, and they cant do nothing but watch as Dean takes one step more towards his death

Chapter Text

-He gave up- Sam says breaking the oppressing silence of the room, tears in his eyes as he tries to erase the last memory of his brain, but who is he kidding? The scene will forever be ingrained into his brain, haunting him
-Your brother, he was in no condition to be hunting- John responds looking at his hands- Mistakes happen, that doesn’t mean that Dean was…
-Oh for crying a loud- Sam explodes getting up and starting to pace the room- Stop lying to yourself dad, what other reason would Dean have to search a hunt in a middle of nowhere without a backup? Hell, he didn’t even try to defend himself, he just stood there waiting for the poltergeist to…-Sam says before his voice breaks
-Drop it, Sam, Dean would never do that- John responds clutching his seat
-Yeah, because Dean would have never tried to kill himself- Sam responds sarcastically- Wake up, dad, why are you so afraid to recognize it, huh? Why after everything do you keep denying everything?
-Because I don’t want to- John says walking up to Sam, until he is clutching the front of his son´s shirt- Because if I do, I would have to admit that the last thing I did before my son tried to kill himself was making him feel worthless and undo any progress he had achieved. Because if I accept what I just saw, then it means that I pushed my son into this life to abandon him. Because my son could have died and I would have never found out, because I am a terrible parent, because I might as well have killed Dean myself- John finishes his rant, falling to the floor crying.

Sam watches the scene unfold, watches as his proud father falls to his knees crying, but he doesn’t reach out nor he says anything for a while, trying to find the right worlds
-I wont say you are a good father- Sam finally says, his voice barely a whisper, but John still hears him over his chocked sobs- I wont even say you are a decent one. I am sorry if that is what you wanted to hear, but it would be a disservice to everything that Dean had to go through, to everything he had to do, to say it. I do think you tried your best, it was just that your best just wasn’t good enough, Dean was a kid, he needed, he deserved more- Sam says, his words stabbing John´s heart like a dagger- But…- Sam tells his father kneeling down next to him and putting an arm around his shoulder- But it wasn’t just your fault, we both messed up, dad, we messed up badly- Sam says, tears falling once more- We failed him and thinking of what if´s wont help, we need to try to do better, we need to be better.
-You think we still have a chance?- John asks genially curious
-I have to believe it, otherwise I don’t think I could take it- Sam says getting up and helping his father up- Now, lets keep watching- Sam tells him with a broken smile
-Lets- John responds giving him the same broken smile

Once the Winchesters are sited in their places, the screen starts once more. Pain, that is the first thing that the Winchester feels, but the pain is tainted with something else, something they cant quite place. The screen flashes in what appear to be various images but neither John nor Sam can distinguish anything. The screen finally turns black, before colors start to appear quickly forming the face of a girl. At first glance the girl doesn’t seem special at all, but at second glance they notice something ethereal about her. The scene shifts, this time showing the girl mixing some things into a bowl, Dean laying out in a couch that has probably seen better days, slowly waking up. Dean´s alarm raise as he realizes he doesn’t know where he is, but before he can get up, the girl speaks without turning around:
-I wouldn’t do that if I were you- she tells him- You broke 5 of your ribs, bruised another 2, I managed to fix your left leg, but your hip should still be sore, also you fractured several vertebrates, and while I healed them, you still have to rest.
-Where am I?- Dean asks dazzled
-At my house- the girl responds, finishing what she is doing and finally turning around- Well, it is more like a cabin, but you get it
-Yeah, not to be rude or anything, but just who the hell are you?- Dean asks- Better question yet, what are you?
-Is that any way to speak to the girl that saved your sorry ass?- the girl asks stepping closer to Dean
-Yeah, well, maybe my sorry ass didn’t want to be saved- Dean mutters
-No shit, Sherlock- the girl responds, offering the hunter a bowl- Eat this, it will help you to get your strength back
-What is this? Some kind of potion?- Dean asks
-Yes, it is a potion to get better, I think you normal people call it chicken soup- the girl snarks
-I repeat, what are you?- Dean repeats as he accepts the bowl
-Why? So you can kill me?- the girl asks- Hunters in better shaped than you had tried, none had succeed
-Yeah, well, maybe I am special- Dean snaps
-To answer your question, I am Fae, and you can call me Fay- the fae responds
-I am going to go into a wild guess and assume that that is not your real name- Dean tells her, sipping his soup
-Aint you a smart cookie?- Fay responds
-Nah, just someone well informed- he tells her- Why am I here? It seems to be a lot of trouble to bring me here to kill me and I didn’t accept any deal with you, so what gives?
-You know? Just because I am not human, it doesn’t mean I am a monster. I found you by that church, and I wasn’t about to let you die via chocking in your own blood. Mind you, you must have expected that end, you committing suicide by monster and all that
-Well, forgive me for thinking that, it is not like I have experience or anything- Dean contends
-Hunters, you are so self-center- Fay tells Dean with a humorless laugh- Have you ever though the reason you always encounter evil monsters is because you go actively looking for them?
-Yeah, well, did it occur to you that perhaps I didn’t want to be saved?- Dean retorts
-You know, it kind of did- the girl responds with a huff, turning her back to Dean
-Sorry- Dean says after the silence stretches- I didn’t mean it like that
-Except that you did- she says turning once more- because your soul was screaming in pain so that all of this could end. You carry all this weight in your shoulders, you are holding yourself together with pins and needles, you don’t let anyone in, because you have been hurt one too many times by the ones closest to you- Fay tells him- For all intents and propose, I should have let you die so you could be free.
-And why didn’t you?- Dean asks, tears streaming down his face
-Because I couldn’t let such a beautiful soul go like that, because you deserve better than to die in an abandoned forest, because I couldn’t let you go without at least trying to save you- she responds, before hugging Dean, who clutches into her, all his inner hurt hitting Sam and John like a wave, leaving them speechless

-My family left me- Dean says, as the scene shifts to what appears to be a few days later, his abdomen heavily bandage as he helps Fay mix some ingredients- They just left
-Family is messy and complicated, take it from someone that knows all about it- the fae responds
-Thought that Fae´s were all a closed knit family- Dean responds surprised, the answers surprises Sam as well, after all, all the lore he has read told him the same thing.
-Don’t believe everything that you read- Fay responds, before adding- I guess it depends
-Of what?- Dean questions
-Of the type of Fae you are talking about- she responds- Look, Fae or I guess fairy is an umbrella term for a lot of beings, the ones you are thinking are the normal type, and while mischievous, they rarely meddle on human affairs, they stay in their own territory unless force out. There are others, the ones that offer deals and mostly screw you over with the wording, and then there is others like me.
-And what type are you?- Dean prompts after Fay stays silent with her eyes far away
-My type, well, we…-she starts to respond, before trying to find the right words- I wasn’t always a Fae, you know? I used to be something else, a long, long time ago, well, it doesn’t truly matter what I was, just that I was part of something bigger, I was part of a big flock, we were plenty and most of us were pretty close, but we were supposed to fall in line, be obedient. Well, one of my brothers didn’t, and a war broke through. There were those that believe in the big picture, that we should follow the rules, that was the bigger group, but there were those that started to question it, those were the rebels- she tells him, with a far away look as if she was remembering- And then- she says licking her lips- there was my group, a real small one, the ones that decided not to take a side, the ones we couldn’t or wouldn’t, I am not exactly sure now, I guess, you could say we were the ones that wanted our siblings to get along. At the end, it didn’t matter though, the rebel group lost and they were severely punished and exile from home, to never step a foot again there. The group that followed orders got to stay, that was their reward, and my group, well, to be honest, they weren’t sure what to do with us. You see, we haven’t done anything wrong per se, but our indecision showed our lack of commitment- a lonesome tear falls from the girl´s eyes, and Dean takes her hand- I used to have wings, you know? They were beautiful and when I was flying I was free. That was our punishment, we lost our wings, our home and our family, we were exiled from home, and for our indecision we were condemned to wander, never part of a group. After all, we aren’t human nor are we truly Fae, so while they still recognize us as Fae, we are not allowed for a long period on their lands, either.
-And your siblings?- Dean asks swallowing dry- The ones that got exiled with you?
-At first we tried to stay together, but it was hard, we started to drift apart trying to be part of something. Some tried to be human and others tried to be Fae- she responds finally looking at him- But it didn’t last for long, they were too different. Some were killed trying to fit in, others grew bitter and they joined the rebellious side, some disappeared but most gave up after a while and they joined the afterlife, if there is one for beings like us- she tells him- The truth is that I haven’t had contact with any of my siblings in centuries.
-Sounds lonely- Dean tells her
-It is
-But you prevail- he says
-I did
-Why?
-Because I have to believe we might be welcome back at home someday. Because I have this dangerous thing called hope. Because I understand the war a little bit better, and because after all this I still don’t regret a thing- she confesses
-Really?- Dean asks confused- After everything you have been trough? You don’t regret doing it?
-I will never regret standing up for what I believe in, nor for loving my family- she responds with a sincere smile- Even if that makes me naive
-Perhaps a little bit- Dean answers- But I get it
-I figure you might- she tells him- But enough sadness, how about we finish this up so we can eat?- she asks, receiving a nod from Dean and finishing the scene.

The scene leaves the Winchesters shaken if for different reasons.
There is something about Fay´s story that rings some bells inside Sam´s head, but for the life of him he cant quite place where he heard it, perhaps it is mostly because his brain is otherwise still occupied riling about what he just saw. He clutches his head thinking how callously they abandoned Dean as if he meant nothing, his brother could have died and they would have probably never known what happened, if Fay hasn’t been there, no, Sam cant think like that (but he does wonder)

John feels his stomach revolt looking at the screen, there is no denying what he just heard, Dean tried to kill himself via monster, he wants to say he never got a clue that Dean could do something like that, but didn’t he? Hindsight is a bitch. He remembers seeing Dean growing reckless on the few hunts they had together, with zero regards of his safety, hell, Dean hadn’t been sober at any point on the last hunt they had together before this memory and did John tell him off? No, of course not, he was worried about other more important things, that he wouldn’t be able to name now even if his life depended on it. Because other things were always more important than his own son and now, now he is paying the consequences

-You are completely cure now- Fay says as a new scene starts
-Yeah, I guess I am- Dean responds from where he is sitting beside her on the couch
-You know that you are welcome here at anytime- the girl offers
-Yeah, I know that- Dean responds
-But you are not staying?- she wonders
-I don’t think I can- Dean answers candidly- But I don’t have anywhere else to go, either
-Well, that is not true- Fay responds- I am pretty sure that uncle of yours that keeps blowing off your phone, might take you in- she says before adding- But you don’t want to go there either
-It is nothing against Bobby, I love being at Bobby´s house- Dean responds- But I just…
-You want to get away a little bit- Fay completes- That is the same reason you wont stay here, it is too close
-Yeah- Dean answers- But I don’t know, I mean every time I feel low, Bobby is the one that helps me through it, it is just that it doesn’t feel right now- he says before clutching his head in his hand- I don’t know what to do
-You know? Even if I am not that kind of Fae, the rules apply all the same- she tells him
-What do you mean?- Dean ponders
-I mean that if you wanted, you could ask me and my “magic”, for lack of a better word, could take you where you could heal, where you are needed- she explains
- Really? Even though you don’t like to use your Fae powers?- he questions
-Meh, I have used them for worse things- she shrugs-So what do you say?
-Wait, what will it cost me?- Dean asks
-A promise- Fay responds- That you wont be a stranger and that you will come if it ever gets this bad again- she proposes
-I don’t know if I will survive another time like this- Dean confesses
-And you don’t have to, but at least come see me before you do anything rashly- she tells him
-Alright- Dean says- I agree to your terms then, so show me where I need to be, Fay- Dean tells her
-Faith- the girl interrupts
-What?
-My name is Faith- she tells him
-Is that so?- Dean questions, raising an eyebrow- And your cover name was Fay, seriously?
-Small change, enough difference- she replies- Now, are you ready?
-Yes, lets get this show on the road- Dean replies, before saying- Faith, take me to the place where I am needed, where I can heal
-Done- the girl responds, her eyes shining with power- Good luck, Dean Winchester, may the stars align in your favor- the girl tells him, before a glow erupts in the room, turning the screen to white.

The screen slowly transition to another scene, this time showing Dean standing, in the middle of the night, on a familiar porch, one that the Winchesters had seen before. Dean knocks on the door and waits patiently for someone to answer
-Hi- Dean says as the door opens- I am sorry about the late hour, but may I come in?
-D-dwag?- the person asks- Of course you can come in, c´mon before you catch a cold- they tell him before the scene cuts to a close…

Chapter Text

-You know? It´s curious, how Faith was there in the right place at the right moment?- Dean tells his companions as they watch the scenes unfold in front of them
-Yeah, curious indeed- Gabriel responds, not giving anything away
-It is almost as if someone had send her- Dean says, looking at Gabriel knowingly
-Don’t know what you are talking about- the archangel says
-Was it you?- Michael asks, his face pale- Where you the one that send her?
-Perhaps- he answers
-You kept contact with her, even after everything?- Raphael asks, his face as pale as Michael´s
-Of course, I did- Gabriel answers- Why wouldn’t I? I think you forget she was one of mine´s
-What do you mean?- Dean asks curiously
-Before the whole big mess, we, as in Mike, Raph, Luci and I, were in charge of the fledglings, so every time, dad created one more angel, they were assigned to one of us, and she was one of mine´s
-Why I don’t remember any of this?- Castiel asks, the three archangels go silent, before Raphael breaks the silence
-After Lucifer- Raphael answers, voice breaking- well, you know, after he did what he did, a decision was made that the fledglings on his side couldn’t be blamed for not knowing better, so we, as in Michael and I, well…
-We erased your memories- Michael continues with a small voice, after Raphael falls quiet- We thought that way we could give you a clean state, we erased your childhood and implant false memories, little one, so you would never be tempted to follow him.
-But that is..- Cas says lost at words- horrifying, I don’t even know if I had done something wrong, how many memories did I lose?
-All the ones that involve him- Michael answers- We erased most of your memories, your´s, Anna´s, Uriel´s, we thought it was the right choice, it was supposed to be your punishment.
-Punishment for not knowing better?- Dean interludes
-Better than the one that befall my kind, right Michael?- Gabriel interrupts- Better than the punishment you assigned Faith.
-Listen, Gabe, you have to understand…- the oldest archangel tries to defend
-No, you are the one that doesn’t understand- Gabriel answers angrily- she was barely out of fledglinghood herself, she shouldn’t have been measure with the same bar that you measure our wiser and older brothers and sisters, she was only a year out of being a fledging herself, and the only crime she committed was not picking a side and trading messages between both sides, a job that if you can’t remember, you and I authorized, heaven, I was doing the same myself. My fledglings were never meant to be warriors, they were messengers, just like Raphael´s were healers, they weren’t supposed to take part of yours’ and Luci´s war
-I know- Michael says softly
-Then why did you do it?- Gabriel spats
-I didn’t- Michael confesses
-What is that supposed to mean?- Gabriel asks confused, Raphael being the only one in the known is the one that answers, after noting his brother´s silence
-She wasn’t supposed to be exiled forever- he says
-Then what happened?- Cas asks, surprising even himself for interrupting the archangel´s discussion, but wanting to know
-After the war- Michael commences- everything was a mess, Luc´s garrison was not trusted, even the little ones, angels were distrusting one another, they were weeping after losing friends and brothers in arms, they couldn’t believe the inexplicable actions that both sides had committed, and in the middle of everything was the group that hadn’t done anything- he sighs before continuing- Father had vacated the building not before putting me on charge, and I was suddenly given the task to fix everything. I know you and Raph think that Luc and I knew everything, but we were young still, we didn’t know better. The crown was too big for me and everyone look at me as if I hold the answers to the universe, but I didn’t. I had lost the brother I was closes to, dad was as good as gone, Raph was trying to save the unsavable, and you, Gabe, had run away. Everything was chaos, so I did what by then I thought was right, I punished everyone that had opposed me, including those that hadn’t taken a side. The fledglings, like Balthazar and Samandriel, I forgave, and they got the same fate as Lucifer´s, their memories were modified and they were sent away. The older one´s I exiled, burning their wings away. But Faith, she was different, for starters she was few seasons out of being one of the little one´s and also, I remembered she was one of your favorites, so while I wanted to cut her with the same wood, I didn’t, instead I offer her a deal.
-What deal?- Gabriel asks, not wanting to hear it
-I told her I would exile her, like the others, but that I wouldn’t burn her wings, instead I would cut them, and she would be made to wander on Earth like the others never fitting in, but that she would be welcomed back home if…
-If?
-If she found you and brought you with her- Michael confesses
-But she never did- Cas says
-But she never did- Michael confirms
-But she knew were I was, maybe not since the beginning, but its been centuries since she found me, she could have told you, she should have told you, she should have told me, why didn’t she?- Gabriel despairs
-Because- Dean answers- she knew that if she told you, you would have turn yourself in and she knew you would have never been happy if she sent you back here
-She should have told me, I was the one meant to be in charge of her, not the other way around- he says
-Yeah, but coming back would have destroyed you- Dean tells him
-You are talking from experience?- Cas asks
-Of course- Dean answers- Look at me, I destroyed myself sacrificing everything for Sam, and see where I am now
-And still, you would do it again- Michael tells him
-Of course, I would- Dean answers- he is my brother, my son, I would have given everything for him
-And you did- Gabriel answers
-And I did- Dean hums, leaving a thoughtful tone in the air.

Chapter Text

Sam watches the scene unfolding in front of him with numbness in his heart, it is sure telling that Dean´s place to heal is a place he only spent a few months in when he was a teenager, a place that was not corrupted by his father nor brother presence, the only place where he had ever been allowed to be himself. Sam wants to cry just by thinking about it.
John feels cold, he is still reeling about the last few memories, he doesn’t think he can bear seeing his son like that, no father wants to see their son attempt suicide, and yet here he is sitting watching, feeling impotent and knowing he helped Dean being in that situation. He hopes that Dean can find the comfort, he obviously couldn’t provide.

The screen shows a familiar kitchen with Dean sitting in front of the table, clutching a cup of what appears to be hot coffee, Sonny appears on his line of sight holding a plate of mac´n chesse
-Here, eat this- the kind man says- I know it is not much, but you must be hungry.
-You didn’t have to bother cooking this, Sonny- Dean responds, pushing the plate away- Besides I am not really hungry
-Alright first of all, I didn’t cook it, just reheat it, and secondly, you are skin and bones boy, so I am calling you on your bullshit- the man retorts not unkindly
-I am fine- Dean says, taking a sip of his coffee
-Dean, kid, you are so far from fine, that you might as well be in another planet, please, at least eat something- Sonny tells him
-I don’t want to- Dean says, a little lost
-Tell you what, son. I will leave you alone, if I cant wrap my hand around your wrist and still have space left.
-I don’t think that is… I don’t, I…-Dean responds spooked, he knows what Sonny will find if he does, but he doesn’t react fast enough. The older man grabs his wrist kindly, and lets a horrifying noise at what he finds at the same time that Dean lets out a whimper. Sam almost gags seeing how much space of Sonny´s hand is left when he circles his brother wrist, Dean is truly skin and bones, but then again malnourishment will do that to you, he is so scared that he almost misses why Sonny is horrified.
-Oh Dean- Sonny says tracing the scar on Dean´s wrist- What have you done to yourself?- he asks
-I am sorry, Sonny- Dean responds crying- I am so fucking sorry. I just didn’t see other way out
-Its okay son- the man says hugging Dean, while the younger man keeps on crying- Shh. Its going to be okay.
-I didn’t know where else to go- Dean sobs- I don’t have anywhere else to go-he confesses
-I told you once, and I will tell you as many times as I have to, you will always have a place here D-dwag. Now, how about you go to bed for the night? If in the morning you want to tell me anything, I will listen to you, but if you don’t, that´s okay
-Thank you, Sonny. Just thanks- Dean responds with such a sincerity that almost breaks the Winchesters hearts, ending the scene

And just like that, John´s already shatter heart breaks a little more. Because there on the screen is a man who is not related to his boy, who only knew him for a couple of months when the boy was 16, who by all means hold no obligations towards him, and yet he is comforting Dean and showing him more kindness that his own family ever did. Dean´s confession breaks him eve more, to think that Dean didn’t even think of calling his own father is telling, but then again after everything they had seen, after everything John had done, is there any wonder that his son feels alone in the world?
Sam´s eyes are once more filled with tears at seeing his older brother breaking down on the screen. He wants to rage and yell and tell Dean that he had always had a place at Sam´s, but didn’t Dean try to go there a couple of memories earlier and wasn’t he rejected? Hell, he wasn’t just rejected, he was also humiliated. Sam wants to punch himself just by thinking it, he feels sick at knowing that it was partly his fault that Dean felt worthless.

The screen turns up again, this time showing the next day on the house. On the screen, Dean is frying some eggs on the kitchen as a few boys start setting themselves on the table, if the boys find Dean´s presence strange, they keep their thoughts to themselves, gracefully accepting their breakfast, Sonny arrives and Dean serves the man some breakfast too, without saying a word, before serving himself a plate. The scene speeds up, showing the boys exiting the kitchen, until just Sonny and Dean are left, Dean makes to get up to wash the dishes, but Sonny stops him by saying:
-I´ll do the dishes, Dean- the man says- you already did enough by cooking breakfast, which I should remained you was not expected of you- he says not unkindly
-I know- Dean says- I just… I guess, I wanted to feel useful
-Dean…-Sonny says sitting himself once more- You are not… You don’t need to prove anything here, you are welcome here no matter what- the man tells him- Wanna talk about what is bothering you?- he offers
-I don’t, but I guess that I must- Dean answers, hugging himself
-You don’t. You staying here is not conditional. If you don’t want to tell me anything, you don’t have to
-I know, but I kind of want to
-Alright, then, lets heat it. What happened to you, son?- and perhaps that question is what finally breaks Dean´s façade, because next thing he knows, he starts crying bitter tears, that manages to pull a few tears from the Winchesters that are watching
-I don’t know- Dean confesses sobbing- Life… Things weren’t supposed to be like this, I was supposed to be something, to be worth something, I wasn’t supposed to be such a worthless fucked up, I don’t even know why anyone bothers with me anymore- Dean says before putting his face in his hands, every word feeling like a stab inside the Winchesters´ hearts.
-Hey- Sonny says getting up from his chair and kneeling besides Dean´s chair- Look at me, D-dwag. C´mon- he says taking Dean´s hands on his own- I don’t want to hear you talked like that. You are not worthless and you are not a fucked up. Whatever that has happened, we can fixed it.
-You don’t know that- Dean says slightly pulling away- Shit, man, you barely know me, you don’t know the things I have done.
-But I do know you, Dean- Sonny says not letting go off his grip on Dean- You are Dean Winchester, the boy who was brought to my home because he stole peanut butter and bread, you are the boy that was a fighting champion, you are the quiet kid that gave half his lunch to another kid because you knew he didn’t have anything that day, you are the boy that volunteer to teach the smaller boys to defend themselves, you are the boy that took care of his brother and gave everything for him and for his family. You are right, I don’t know what has happened to you or what you have done, but I know you still have some fight in you, I know you can still fix this.
-How do you know that?- Dean asks brokenly
-Because you came here, that means you are still willing to try and save yourself- Sonny answers him, giving him a long hug and finishing the scene.

And while the scene leaves on a hopeful tone, the older hunters cant help but feel anything but, because unlike Sonny they know, they know what happened before and what happened after.
John knows that his son never actually looked for help himself, he knows that if it was up to Dean, they would have found his body a long time away, he knows that no matter what progress Dean makes, it will be undone once the boy leaves the man house, after all they are here now.
Sam feels hopeless at watching the scene, he wants to scream at Sonny to help his brother, but then again, the man did, and then Dean´s own family had undone any progress, making him even worse, it is no wonder they are here now. Dean had been offered a way to save himself, the only problem was that Dean didn’t believe himself worth saving, which begged the question, even if by some miracle, they were able to save Dean, will it changed anything? Sam didn’t have an answer, and that more than anything hit him right in his heart.

Chapter Text

John remembers a time when Dean got sick when he was younger, Mary was 8-month pregnant at the time, so John took the job himself to run a bath for a 3-year-old feverish Dean. He remembers it like it was yesterday, he remembers feeling scared and thinking about all the things that could go wrong, from seizures to developing pneumonia, he felt scared for the little boy sitting on the tub, thinking he could lose him on a blink of an eye, he remembers how Dean, sensing his worry, took his hand as he told him “it´s okay, dad, I am fine”, and in that moment, as he hold that little hand and with those big innocent eyes looking at him, John promised himself that he would always protect Dean. John is not sure when he forgot about his promise, he is not sure when he forgot those big innocent eyes looking at him or when he forgot the weight of that little hand on his own, he is not sure when he lost sight of what was in front of him, but now watching Sonny helping his boy he cant help but feel guilt and shame.

The screen lights up once more, this time showing Dean helping Sonny fixed something at the barn of the farmhouse. Both men are working in silence, until Dean breaks it by saying:
-They left me- Dean says, without looking at Sonny- After everything I did, after everything I sacrificed for them…They just left me
-Dean…-Sonny exclaims
-Of course, I cant blame them- Dean interrupts him- I would leave myself too if I could- Dean says with a broken voice, before sitting down on a bench, with Sonny sitting next to him- Fuck, they left me and they don’t even now half of the shit I have done
-So, tell me- Sonny tells Dean
-You would hate me too- Dean answers with a sob
-You don’t know that, Dean- Sonny tells him, Dean makes a noise as if to interrupt but Sonny cuts him out- No, listen to me, you are so sure that if anybody knew what you have done they would hate you, that you haven’t given yourself the chance to believe that the opposite could be the truth, so go ahead, tell me.
-I used to sell myself for money- Dean whispers- I used to go to trucker´s stops to offer my, hmm, services to older men. I am fucking whore, Sonny- Dean cries out
-Dean- Sonny tells him firmly- You are not a whore
-Yeah, and then what do you call it, huh? What the fuck do you want to call it, if not that I am nothing but a disgusting cheap two-cent slut?- he exclaims, each word feeling like a dagger to the Winchesters heart
-You want to know what I would called it?- Sonny asks him- You want to know what I see when I look at you?- waiting for Dean´s nod before continuing- I see a survivor, I see a kid, whom his whole life fought to make the best of horrible situations and managed to pull through from situations that would make a grown man cry. I see a fighter, Dean, and correct me if I am wrong, but you being here, makes me believe you still have some fight left in you, even if you, yourself, cant see it
-I don’t know how much more I can hold, Sonny, I am not even sure if I want to- Dean confesses, with such a raw emotion that Sam´s heart almost stops- Somedays, I cant even stand to be on my own skin- he says rubbing at his arms, with more force than necessary
-I know- the man answers- Did I ever tell you about how this dream- he says signaling the house- came to be?
-I don’t think so- Dean responds
-Yeah, I figured, I don’t think I have ever told anyone but a few people the whole story, but I think you might need to hear it- Sonny says- I grew up on a terrible neighborhood, my father had a gambling problem and a drinking problem to a boot, and my mother used to pretend she didn’t have a child, she was high half of the time and sleeping the other half, and I was an angry kid, it didn’t take long for one of the local gangs to invite me to be a part of them, and I accepted, anything to be away from home and for a couple of years my life was great, at least according to me, then reality finally hit me- the man pauses before continuing- I was 16, the cops got a tip that the warehouse we were in was full of illegal shit, when they arrive, hell broke loose. Later, that night I learned that 3 people had died and one was in critical condition at the nearest hospital, he would die from his wounds two days later, he was only 19. After all that, after seeing my life flashed before me, I took the first deal the police gave me and promised myself that I would keep my nose clean and crawl my way out of the mess that I had gotten myself into. The only thought that rounded my mind was I don’t want to end like that guy
-And you didn’t- Dean tells him, putting his hand on the man shoulder- You got out.
-Yeah, I did, but a lot of the guys I knew didn’t. I guess that is why this idea started, but still it was until later that it actually come into fruition, and it all started with one guy that I met when I was locked up. In a way, you remind me a little bit of him, his name was Henry and he died when he was 17
-What happened to him?- Dean asks, suddenly finding his voice hoarse
-I met Henry when he was 15- Sonny tells him- Kid was arrested for prostitution, but truthfully they convicted him for attacking a cop, though if you ask him it was the cop fault, he always said that the cop should have known better than to try and get a freebie. Henry was the oldest of three, his brother was 12 and according to him, he was a genius in the making and his sister was 8 and on her way to be the best boxer in town. I never asked and he never told me about their parents, fair to say they weren’t on the picture, he raised those two kids as his own
-He was their brother- Dean said, oddly defensive of a kid he never met. Sonny gave him sad smile in return before continuing
-He was a kid himself, Dean- the “just like you were” heavily implied- The kind of weight that was put on his shoulders was too heavy and he was crumbling under it. I think that for him, being arrested gave him a reprise, a chance to be free for once, he was lighter while he was inside. He got out before me, his last day there he told me to look for him when I got out, one could said he had taken me under his wing, even if he was younger, he really had a wisdom beyond his years. That was the last time I saw him- Sonny tells him, a few stray tears falling
-How did he die?- Dean asks, feeling a little cold inside
-I think you know
-He got a deal that sounded too good to pass and ended up getting fucked over it- Dean guesses, getting only a nod from Sonny as confirmation, and Sam suddenly gets sick to his stomach, because the way Dean told it, was the way people talked when they had experience on the subject, and Sam doesn’t know what to do with that information.
-That was one of plenty stories I could have told you, but I guess that one was the one that stuck with me the most. You know? The first time I saw you, you reminded me a great deal of my old friend and I promised myself I wouldn’t fail you.
-You didn’t- Dean responds- The few months I stayed here were one of the best I ever had. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had stayed that night, sometimes I wished that I had- Dean confesses
-One of my biggest regrets in life is not having fought harder for you to stay- Sonny replies- But I am glad that I was at least able to grant you a reprise for your life and I mean when I said you are welcome here whenever you like- Sonny says standing up before a cold hand stops him
-Sonny, and Henry´s siblings? What happened to them?- Dean asks him, almost afraid of the answer
-I still see his sister from time to time, Henry wasn’t far off about her, she ended up being a box champion, and has her own gym now- Sonny tells him, before sighing- His brother, I am not going to lie, got mixed with some of the wrong crowd, he was in and out of rehab for a while, but he is doing better these days
-Thank you, Sonny- Dean tells the man- You are a good man
-You are too, Dean- he tells him pulling him into a hug- And one day, you will believe it- he tells him, finishing the scene.

Sam´s heart breaks once more at hearing the story Sonny tells his brother, because it is easy imagine Dean in Henry´s shoes, hell, the story was almost a parallel of his brother´s life, the only difference being the ending. Sam knows he will never be able to forget the image his brain had formed at hearing the story. He wonders what would have happened to him if Dean had died when he was younger, would he have been like the sister, managing to pull through? Or like the brother in and out of rehab, falling without his brother to guide him? The truth is he knows the answer to his own question but he is too scared to even said it out loud.

John wonders once more why he didn’t let Dean stay at Sonny´s. He wonders what kind of man, his oldest would have grown up to be if he had had the chance, would he had been a doctor, a teacher, a firefighter? Because John knows there is no question that Dean would had dedicated his life to help others around him, that is just the kind of person his son was. Not for the first time, he cries. He cries for the family he never appreciated, he cries for effectively killing Dean´s childhood, he cries for the father his children lost to alcohol, he cries for the man Mary thought him to be, but more than that, he cries for Dean, he cries for the dreams that he ruined, he cries for the boy he destroyed.

Chapter Text

Sam feels heartbroken watching Dean´s memories. Somehow, he realizes, Dean´s happiest memories are the ones that break his heart the most, perhaps because he already knows how the story ends. He knows that there is no happiness waiting at the end, he knows there is only pain and suffering at the end, pain and suffering caused by their own hands; blood that neither he nor his father could ever wash from their hands.

The scene starts once again and this time it shows, Dean entering a tattoo parlor, a woman is standing with her back towards him, there is an inexplicable nostalgia in the air, but Sam and John figured they will understand the reason soon enough.
-Hi, welcome to Ally´s parole- the woman says, turning slightly, the Winchesters get a small glimpse of her face, but they don’t need more to recognize her as Alana, Dean´s friend. The girl doesn’t seem to spare Dean more than a glance, before returning to her previous task- How can I help you?
-Yeah, hi- Dean responds, with a shy voice, that seems to gain confidence the more he speaks- I want a tattoo
-Kind of figured, dude- Ally responds, rolling her eyes- Where do you want your tattoo?
-On my dick- Dean responds
-I hope the design you want is tiny then- Alana responds automatically, for some reason the Winchesters don’t understand (but that Dean does) that startles her enough, for her to turn around and face Dean for the first time. Recognition hits her, and suddenly she is embracing Dean
-Dean? Is that you?- she asks happily
-Sure hope so, otherwise after that exchange, this hug would be awkward- Dean responds with a hearty laugh.
-Oh fuck you- the girl says punching the hunter´s shoulder- Man, it is good to see you, you haven’t change a thing
-But look at you, I seemed to remember that arm with less color- Dean says, pointing at her friend´s colorful sleeve of tattoos.
-Yeah, well, you know what they said, cant trust a tattoo artist without tattoos- Ally answers with a big smile- Where have you been, Sonny´s boy?
-Here and there- Dean answers as the Winchesters feel a wave of sadness invading them- I am actually staying at Sonny´s for the time being, trying to arrange my head
-Be as it is, I am glad you are here
-Thank you- Dean responds- But tell me about you? This is your gig?- he asks
-Yes, you are seeing at the proud owner of her own tattoos establishment- the girl answers
-I imagine your mom was super happy- Dean comments sarcastically
-Oh yeah, she hates it, hasn’t spoken to me in a while- Ally says rolling her eyes
-Her lost- Dean responds honestly, which makes the girl smile to him- So how is Steve?
-Being a mess, as always- Alana laughs- He is now the coach of the wrestling team at the school. They don’t suck as much as before- the girl tells her before a masculine voice interrupts her
-Is that a compliment I hear, Alana-banana?- Steve says entering the shop
-Go fuck yourself- Ally responds without any bite, before adding- Look what the cat dragged in
-Well, I´ll be damned- Steve responds- Dean Winchester, in the flesh- he says before hugging Dean- how have you been?
-I have been… I am better now- Dean responds with honesty, making his friends smile softly at him.
As the friends keep catching up, the scene fades into the background, leaving a bittersweet feeling in the room.

In the short time they had been viewing Dean´s life, scenes like this are the ones that remind John everything he took away from his boys. John´s crime against his family keep piling up, as he comes to the understanding that the one responsible of most of his kids, specially Dean´s, tragedies are ones of his own making. John wants to come back in time and punch himself, as he realizes, that he is the reason why Dean doesn’t have more memories like this, he is the reason that Dean have barely any friends. In his goal of making his sweet boy a good hunter, he isolated him to the point, that the only people he could rely on was his own family, the same family that ditched him the moment they didn’t need him anymore. John can only hope that these moments of peace last a little longer, for Dean´s sake

Of course, the peace wasn’t meant to last. It started small, or so the Winchesters figure, as clippings of newspapers start to appear on the screen, the news talk about kids, ages ranging from 7 to 12-year-old, going missing. They see Dean reading the newspapers with a frown that gets deeper and deeper as days pass, and the hunters know why. Because any hunter worth their salt can recognize the MO of a rawhead preying on children. It is not until the fifth day that everything changes.

The scene starts with Dean entering Sonny´s house, two patrol cars can be seen outside. The older hunters can feel the jitters of nerves that Dean is feeling and they had nothing to do with the cops inside the house. Still, Dean powers trough, entering the living room where Sonny is arguing with two uniformed man
-I am telling you, he would never do this- Sonny is angrily telling the cops
-Sonny?- Dean asks- What happened?
-Tony is missing- Sonny tells him, Dean quickly recognizing the name of the youngest inhabitant of Sonny´s house- And this “gentlemen”- Sonny spats- are telling me there is nothing they can do because “48 hours hadn’t passed yet” and “he probably ran away”- he exclaims
-Tony would have never done that- Dean automatically responds, because it doesn’t make sense, regardless of the reasons Tony is at Sonny´s house, he is a good boy
-Sonny, that is not what we meant- one of the cops tells him, he is obviously the “nice one” out of the two of them, because it doesn’t take long for his partner to respond
-It is exactly what we meant- the older one tells them- there are other 4 boys missing, your boy probably wanted some of the attention for himself- he spats before muttering- couldn’t expect more for a….
-I dare you to finish that sentence, pal- Dean tells him with barely conceal anger and a dangerous voice that makes the cop inch for his gun, before Sonny steps between the two and the other cop says
-Ok, lets relax all of us. Carter, that was out of line, take a break- he tells him, making the other cop stalked out of the house, angrily. The cop sighs before turning towards Sonny- Sonny, look, you have to see it from our side, four kids, two of them from prominent families, are missing, we have no clues and the mayor is breathing on our necks
-So what you are saying is that Tony´s life is worth less, because he is not from a “prominent family” and has a criminal record- the man deadpans, and for a minute he looks as dangerous as his record shows him to be
-Look man, we will do our best- the younger man mumbles- And hey who knows maybe he just decided to skipped class today- he says with a false cheer in his tone
-Get out of my house, Carl- Sonny spats, making the cop hightailed out of the house, leaving only Dean and Sonny inside the small living room.
-Sonny…- Dean starts to say, before being abruptly cut by said man
-Don’t, Dean- the man says, all fight leaving his body, as he seats in the sofa, putting his head in his hands- I know what they all think, but Tony would have never done that
-I know- Dean responds- I believe you- he tells him, before asking, insecurity creeping his voice- Do you trust me?
-Of course I do, Dean- the man says startled, clearly not knowing why the change of subjects and to be fair neither do the Winchesters watching- What…
-What if I told you that perhaps I can find him?, but you have to trust me- Dean asks, the hunter in him making itself known
-Dean, what do you mean?- Sonny asks bewildered
- I can find Tony, or at least I can do my best to find him- Dean continues- I once told you that my bruises were because of a werewolf, I know you think I was lying to protect my father, but I wasn’t- Dean tells him, before adding- I know I can find the son of a bitch that took Tony and I know because I have an inkling of what kind of monster took him and the other kids, but I need you to trust me- he finishes, there is devastation in his words, that makes the Winchesters balk on their seats, Dean is clearly preparing himself for rejection, the Winchesters are prepared as well, which is why they are surprised with what happens next
-Dean, I…-Sonny tells him- I trust you- he tells him- But you have to understand that this sounds insane
-I know- Dean sighs
-But as I said before I trust you- Sonny tells him surprising him (and everyone in the room)- And my gut had never stirred me wrong before, what do you need?- he asks with a tired smile, it takes a few minutes for Dean to get out of his own head, but soon his hunter side takes over
-When was the last time you saw Tony?- he asks with no preamble
-At breakfast today. He was supposed to go to school, but the teaches say he never made it
-Did he walk there? Was he alone?- Dean inquires
-Yes, he always walks to school, he usually goes with Mark, but as you know Mark is sick with the flue- Sonny answers
-Alright, was there anything unusual about today? Did Tony seemed spooked? Did he complain about strange noises? Was there anything off about his room?
-No, there wasn’t anything different about him today
-Alright, do you know his route to school? Does he pass any wasteland? Any place that has a weird creepy history? A place that you probably told him to walk faster or not alone even if you don’t know why?
-I… I don’t- Sonny starts before pausing- Yeah, actually, now that you mention it, I can think of a place. The old Mason´s house. It has been abandoned for years and not for the lack of trying of some, it is just almost as if…
-As if the place was haunted- Dean concludes- I have been investigating the other kids dissaperances and I can only think of a monster that fit the bill, since…
-Since no bodies had shown- Sonny finishes
-Well, yeah- Dean answers- I think I know what fugly it is and your haunted house seems like a good place to start looking for
-Alright, so lets go- Sonny says standing up
-Hey, wait a second- Dean tells him, stopping the man- There is no we, I am going
-The hell you think you are going alone, one of my kids is in danger and I am not standing with my arms cross as another one puts himself on harm´s way to rescue him- Sonny tells him crossing his arms- We are going and it is final
-Yeah, Dean- a female voice interrupts- we are going with you
-The fuck did you come from?- Dean asks startled to see Ally standing under the doorway
-I heard about Tony´s, came here to help, saw the assclowns speeding out of here, and caught tail of your conversation- she answers- Now, at this point there are two options, either you are having a breakdown, which is reason enough not to leave you alone, or you are telling the truth and monsters are real, which is even more reason to go with you, strength in numbers and all that
-You have zero training- Dean answers- Neither of you is coming with me and that is final
-Sweetie, I would like to see you and try to stop me- Ally says standing her ground, there is a hot minute when they all stand still, but finally Dean relents and says
-Fine, you are both coming with me, but you have to follow my lead
-Of course- Sonny answers
-Roger that, Capitan- Ally says with a mock salute
-Also, I know Sonny probably does, but do you know how to use a weapon, Al?- Dean asks
-I have a taser gun, does that count?- she counters
-Actually now that you mention it- Dean answers, closing the scene

The Winchesters don’t get even a chance to ponder on it, before the next scene starts. This time the Impala and a truck pull outside of the abandoned house, the three occupants getting out of their respective vehicles with Dean talking the lead
-Alright, you know the plan- Dean tells them- We are going quietly through the house looking for the missing kids, Ally you take the left, Sonny you take the right and I take the center and we convey before checking the basement, any sounds of trouble and you scream
-Alright, and where do I go?- Steve says raising from the back of Ally´s truck
-The fuck?- Ally asks- Where you there the whole time?
-What can I say? I heard you all were going in an insane mission to save kids and I figure what the hell, I am coming with them- Steve grins, before adding with a serious tone- Also, one of the kids is in my class, I aint leaving him alone- Dean nods at that
-Alright, you stay outside then- he says, giving him a walkie talkie- See anything werid, you call it. Alright lets go

The group enters the house quietly, each one searching their respective rooms without luck, before meeting at the top of the stairs, ready to check the basement. They climb down the ratty stairs, and it doesn’t take long for them to see five figures clutching in one corner, Tony among them. Sonny pockets his gun and rush towards them, Ally and Dean close in his heels
-Sonny- the young boy, all but screams- you came
-Of course I did, kid- Sonny answers embracing him as Ally checks the rest of the kids
-A monster took us- a younger boy tells them
-He was going to eat us- another one cries
-It is alright, you are safe now- Ally says.
-Kids, the monster that took you?- Dean asks, taser still at the ready- Where is it?- this question makes one of the boys look up and then there is a scream, as the kids and the adults turn their backs towards the monster. Dean barely has time to push the kids out of the way, before the monster charges towards him, making him lose the taser in the struggle. Dean falls to the floor and looks up at the monster, only for it to be crisped to a bone, Steve firing the killing shot
-The hell was that?- he asks almost out of breath
-A rawhead- Dean answers automatically- You may know it as the bogey man. Thought I told you to stay outside?
-A thank you is enough- Steve tells him- you butt called me on the walkie talkie, figure you might need help- he finishes shrugging making a laugh escape Ally´s mouth, and soon the whole room is laughing with relief

The scene once more shifts and this time it shows the group standing outside sitting in the truck of Ally´s truck, as the police and paramedics help the children to their parents and checking them over
-So this is what you do for a living, Dean-o?- Ally asks him, all of them watching the proceedings in front of them
-Kind of- Dean answers
-I said it once and I will day it again- Sonny says- You are a good one, Dean- he tells him clapping his shoulder
-It doesn’t always end like this- Dean tells them
-But today it did- Steve says- You are a hero, Dean, and don’t let anyone, not even yourself, tell you any different- he finishes, before giving him a hug, ending the scene in a light tone

And that is the quicker isn’t it, Sam thinks, that doesn’t matter all the good that Dean does, he has never once considered himself a hero, not after pulling a young Sam out of the fire, not after taking care of Sam all his life, not after saving so many people. Dean has always considered he has done what anyone else would do, without realizing that not everyone would have done all the things he does, did… Dean´s self-stem had never allowed him to see himself as anything but flawed, but Sam knows the truth, he knows his brother is a hero, he just wishes he had appreciated it when he had the chance.

John watches the scene, wanting to clawed his eyes out of his skull, this is the comradery that he denied his son, these are the kind words he kept quiet after a hunt where his son had saved the day, these and more were the things that slowly but surely broke Dean´s self-stem piece by piece, until there was nothing else. His son is a hero, everyone can see it, except himself and his own family. Once again, he realizes too little too late, the errors of his way and once more there is nothing he can do to change it.

Chapter Text

The first thing that Faith notices upon entering the frozen room are the flowers sitting at the besides of Dean´s bed. She wonders who put them there, because knowing the two hunters his friend calls family, there is no way they were the ones to do it. Anger fills her, an anger that has been a constant on her life since long before she fell, an anger dating back to when the rebellion started. As she approaches the bed of her young hunter friend, she can’t help but let her mind wander, with memories of the circumstances that led her to where she is now.

Before the Big Figth that tear her family apart, Faith used to be in charge of delivering messages between her siblings, the messages that they sent with her were mostly the small unimportant ones that they would have probably be able to deliver themselves, but still it was a great honor for someone as young as her. Her wings allowed her to travel faster than most, only rival in speed by Gabriel´s, perhaps that is why when the dissent among the ranks started, she was one of the first to find out (and also the first to not take a side)

The Dissent started small, with offhanded insults whispered by Lucifer´s faction about the intelligence of humans and about the fairness of the situation, mind you most of this conversations were carried between fledglings and young angels, perhaps the seniors of their flocks were also commenting about the situation, but Faith never heard a peak and anyways it wasn’t her place to question, still the air turned hostile sooner rather than later. Most fledglings were asked to stay inside the sanctuaries, and the Archangels weren’t seen as much, and when one could get a peak of them, you could see the differences from before. Raphael´s brow was always frowned. Lucifer´s pranks had turned less playful and more deadly. Michael had taken a soldier stance, demanding obedience from all of them and Gabriel… he had lost his brilliant smile, the one that make everyone at ease. Then everything came crashing down

To be fair, Gabriel approached all of his younglings at the beginning asking them to stay sheltered with the fledglings, while he played mediator from his siblings, he claimed that it was just a small fight, nothing mayor, it had happened before, nothing worse than a bruised ego would happened. It didn’t take a genius to realize he was lying. Most of her sibling accepted and were locked inside the sanctuaries, protecting all fledglings alike. Some others asked to fight along the older ones and Gabriel gave them his blessings with a grimace, that was the last time Faith saw most of them alive. The line grew thinner and thinner until only Faith remained, she was the youngest of the bunch and still when she was approached, she answered without hesitation:
-And you, little one? Would you accept the little protection I can give you? Or would you choose to fight at one of my brother´s side?- Gabriel asked with a tired sigh, dreading her answer
-I wish to remain neutral- She responded- I wished to help you carrying messages through both sides
-Do you doubt me, little one?- he retorted- Do you think me unable to do my job?
-No, however I can see you running yourself thin, I wish not to fight any of my siblings, but at the same time, I don’t want to stay cross armed. I wish to be of service- she proclaimed
-You understand that you will lose all the protections I can offer you, right?- he asked- I cant promise you wont get injured or killed in the crossfire- he pleaded, before whispering- I cant promise you wont get punished when this mess ends
-I know- Faith answered- But my decision remains, would you give me your blessing?- she asked kneeling beside him
-You have my blessing, little one- he proclaimed- Go, present yourself to both generals and tell them you will help me deliver messages between both ranks, tell them you have my protection, go, little one, fly- he said, before whispering to himself as she was taking flight- I only hope we both don’t come to regret this.

The fight was brutal, Faith saw her sibling falling one after another, some she recognized, some she never met, some were dead with scorched wings on the floors when she saw them, some others gave their last breaths on her arms, their shadowed wings forever scorched in her. As the fight kept heating up, she wondered if perhaps they weren’t so different from the humans they claimed to be superior from.

The end of the fight was swift and the outcome expected, down to the brutality of the punishment of all of those that didn’t side with the winning side, hers included. Michael found her on one of the balconies of the High Palace, looking at the horizon.
-I hope you weren’t planning on escaping, little one- the archangel said with a light but hard voice
-Where could I have gone that you weren’t able to find me, sir?- Faith responded still not looking at him
-And yet so many older and wiser angels than you had run for cover as if that would save them- he claims with a sardonic tone- So if you weren’t running and you weren’t hiding, what are you doing here, youngling, instead of asking on your knees for my forgiveness?
-I think we both know the time of begging has come and pass, and now only judgment remains- she answers, before finally looking up- As an answer to your question, I has already guessed what my punishment will be, so I only wished to watch the horizon of creation one last time, before being cast out
-You seem wise beyond your years, wiser than your own mentor, who has taken to flee, leaving all of you loyal to him without protection
-I am not one to question my superior´s choices- the youngling answers, somehow calming down her impulses to defend her general
-And yet, you chose to be neutral- Michael responds, before gripping Faith´s shoulder- By all means, I should burn down your wings and cast you out like the rest- he tells her, before he adds- But I wont, instead I will offer you a deal- he says- You seem to have faith in your commander and you are the youngest to the bunch, so I wont burn your wings, I will simply cut them before casting you out, and you will only be allowed to come back, when you find and bring Gabriel with you, do you agree?- he says. Faith thinks about it for a minute before nodding and then she knows no more.

And there is that. Faith wakes up disorientated on Earth, surrounded by a bunch of her neutral siblings, and while she knows her wings are not lost, she cant help but mourn for them with the rest. To be fair to them, the first few years, her and her siblings try to make the best of it, they try to blend in, and it works, until the humans, primitive as they are, start to whisper about them, about their strangeness, about their unnatural shine, about their lack of aging, it doesn’t take long for them to be ran out of their homes
Next they try the supernatural creatures, the ones their Father created with magic, but that is also short lived as even the creatures can tell they are not one of them, they aren’t quite as violent as the humans, but their message is received, they aren’t welcome there anymore
Their final intent for community, is creating one of their own, but being surrounded only by their siblings starts to remind them of what they had lost, and grief starts taking over them. One by one they start leaving, trying to find what they lost, until only Faith remains on their makeshift tents, hoping against hope that at least one of her siblings had chosen to take her with them, but the truth is obvious, even among the outcasts, she is an outcast herself, because while her siblings might not know the truth, they can recognize that something is different about her, which causes distrust.
So perhaps that is why when the anger comes for her, she lets it take over.

Before that, Faith never claimed to be a saint, but she wouldn’t have called herself cruel either. And yet, after she let the anger in, cruelness was all that was left. Before, when she make the deal with Michael, she wasn’t planning on ever delivering Gabriel to him, but after being left alone, she started to second guess herself, before coming to the conclusion that if it helped to save her own skin, she would deliver her commander to her brother, and dammed the consequences. And truth to be told it didn’t take long to find Gabriel shacking up with the pagans. Disgust filled her as she watched her brother´s hedonist style, and this was the brother she was supposed to defend?
She could have grabbed him right there and then, but Faith knew to be patient, she knew that if she struck now, she might lose her target, so she continued to follow him for a while, remaining undetected. And she waited and waited, but when the moment to strike came, she couldn’t do it.
All those years she had followed him, she had seen a peek of her brother that she hadn’t seen in a long time, his brother was happy and accepted, and she couldn’t take that away from him, even if it ended being her life sentence, so she left and finally the sadness took over once more

Time passed, as Faith try to find a purpose to her bleak life, until finally she sat down at the edge of a river, crying bitter tears of loneliness, and that is when she finally saw what was in front of her.
The landscape in front of her was nothing like what she saw in the window of the High Palace all those years ago, and yet there was nothing short of beautiful on what she was seeing. She saw families bathing on the same river she was in, enjoying their, to her. short lives and she concluded that she would do what she was meant to do in the first place and protect these creatures.

And that is what her life become afterwards, helping where she could, humans and creatures alike and perhaps it was a lonely life but she was happy to serve. At least until she found Dean Winchester on those woods. That is when hope started to swell on her once more.

Faith was lost in her thoughts when she heard wings behind her, and for the first time in more than a millennium, she saw Michael standing there.
-Penny for your thoughts, sister?- Michael asked
-I think they are worth a little more, brother- Faith answers without missing a beat
-I committed a great crime against you, little one, I let you to rot in here- he tells her, voice filled with regret
-And yet, I forgive you- Faith responds
-And yet, you do. Gabriel almost asked for my head when he found out about what I did
-Is he safe?
-Yes, he is. He is with Dean, Raphael and Castiel now, and I am following orders to take you with me to them, if you are willing- Michael says standing his hand
-I think I will wait a little bit- Faith answers- I want to see how this story ends
-You don’t think that this will work out?- Michael asks signaling Dean
-I think the Winchesters are able to finish the memories, if only for spite- Faith answers- But what Dean does after that, well, that is another story. Say hi to them for me, brother, and tell them that whatever is the result, I will meet them at the end, but someone has to keep the faith going
-I will, sister- Michael responds, before disappearing leaving the young angel alone watching the scene
-Remember you still have a choice, Dean- she says, before sitting at the sill of the window, keeping vigil of the room, humming a blessing from Old, as the word remains frozen around her.

Chapter Text

There is something so final about watching Dean´s memories, John ponders when the screen stops for a minute. The weight of his actions and inactions finally dawning into him. It is with despair that he realizes that watching all these memories is perhaps not going to be enough, that perhaps they aren’t going to be enough to save Dean from his worst enemy, himself. All John wanted when his kids were younger was for them to be safe and happy, even after Mary´s dead, so he is not quite sure when he strayed so far from that path that he lost the way.

A pack of memories are shown next on the big screen, showing Dean hanging out with his friends, with Sony and with Sony´s kids, as he slowly gets better, the air suddenly becoming easier to breath. A single tear runs down Sam´s cheek as he watches Dean´s carefree attitude, something he had never seen growing up. It is a good look in Dean, Sam realizes, this is what Dean should have look like growing up, this is exactly who Dean would have become if given a chance, and god those he wishes Dean had been given a chance, a chance away from the toxicity of his own family, a chance away from the negativity, from the insults, from the violence, then perhaps they wouldn’t be here sitting watching as the good memories run away from them.

The good memories fade and leaves uncertainty on its wake, the beginning of the end is near, they can feel it and all they can do is keep watching.

The next scene starts up, showing Dean and Ally eating pizza, at Ally´s place. There is a strange tension in Dean that neither of the Winchester´s watching can figure out (but then again, as this experience had taught them, neither of them know Dean enough), Ally, however, seems in tune with Dean, and it doesn’t take long for her to comment on it:
-Alright, spit it out, what is bothering you?- Ally asks between bites of food
-What?- Dean asks, feigning innocence- Nothing is bothering me
-Yeah, and I am the queen of England- Ally snarks- C´mon man, cut the bullshit excluding Steve, you are my second best friend, I know you better than that.
-Where is Steve anyways?- Dean asks, changing the subject- Shouldn’t he be here complaining about how you order meat lovers instead of Hawaiian pizza?
-Don’t think I don’t know you are trying to change the subject- the girl responds- But I will allow it for the time being. To answer your question, he is on a date at the moment.
-Seriously? Someone asked him out?- Dean asks with a teasing tone
-Dick- Ally responds laughing- Yeah, some guy at the coffee shop he buys the monstrosity he calls coffee
-And do we approve of this guy?- Dean asks- He didn’t even tell me anything
-I don’t know- Ally tells him- Honestly, I think he only said yes because his mom has been hounding him about his lack of dating life. And of course, he didn’t tell you anything mister I-stand-behind-my-friend-like-a-protective-bulldog-while-you-try-to-ask-him-out- she says shoving him a little
-Hey! That was only one time, and guy deserved it- Dean responds, cheeks colored red- But seriously, his mom? The same mother that hates every girl and guy that Steve have ever taken home?
-Yeah, well, I think she was expecting him and me to date
-I think that most people in this town were expecting that- Dean responds.
-Not you?- Ally asks
-Nah- Dean shrugs- You guys are best friends, practically siblings, it would be a little bit weird. Sides, you told me you didn’t like him that way, and I respect that.
-Kind of wish more people would respect the fact that I am allowed to be best friends with a guy without wanting to date him
-Yeah, well, people suck- Dean answers while taking a big gulp of his beer- Hey, Ally?- Dean says nervously- Can I ask you a question and you promise to answer me with the truth?
-Sure, man, whats up?- the girl says turning towards him
-It is just that I have been thinking about the people that I left behind back then and most I have seen at least in passing but there are two that I haven’t, well, I wanted to know if they, I mean…- Dean mumbles struggling with the words, until Ally interrupts him
-I suppose you mean Robin and Skylar?- Ally says, getting a nod from Dean, before continuing- Damn, well, I can tell you now that Robin was really upset when you didn’t show up to the dance. I am pretty sure she would slap you if she were to see you again.
-I would deserve it- Dean answers
-I mean, I don’t know what to tell you, it was a shitty think that you left the day of the dance, but also, it is not like you had much of a choice. I get why she is angry, but Sonny did told us that your dad showed up and took you away, so…- she says shrugging- As of why you haven’t seen her, that is because the day after we graduate, she packed her bags and left town, she left a note to her mother where she told her she had gotten accepted at college and she needed some time to find herself. Last I knew of, her mother and her talk on the phone every Sunday and she was set to graduate sometime soon.
-That is good, I am glad that one of us was able to follow our dreams- Dean says with a nostalgic smile, and his family´s heart breaks a little at hearing that phrase, Ally´s must break too, because her next sentence is:
-It is still not too late to follow yours, Dean- she tells him, putting a hand on his shoulder and squeezing it.
-And Skylar?- Dean asks abruptly, obtaining a grimace from Ally, who plays with the bottle in her hands
-Dean…
-Please, Al- Dean pleads
-Alright- Ally answers resigned- Skylar was Skylar, I guess. After you left, she started to miss more classes, said that you have inspired her or some bull like that. Start speaking about death and how nobody like her and we all bully her, which you know that we didn’t- Ally tells him- Still, we told the school counselor about what she was saying and he called her parents, let me tell you, that they were shocked of what the man was telling them, apparently they thought her daughter was perfect and couldn’t be depressed, they changed their tune fast when she tried to cut her wrists. They had her commited and…
-And…?- Dean asks with a haunted look- What happened to her?
-And that´s it- Ally responds- She has been in and out of the hospital since. If you ask me, she needs more help than the one of the local psychiatrist.
-She deserves better than that- Dean says with a broken voice- She is not a bad person
-I know- Ally says to Dean bewildering- I know her since we were little, we might not like each other, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve help, the problem is she doesn’t want it and there is nothing we can do about that.
-My dad called me yesterday- Dean confesses, after a minute of silence- I didn’t answer, so he left me a message. He told me he needed my help, because what other reason would he have to call his son?- Dean asks sarcastically
-What are you going to do?- Ally asks after a minute of silence
-My first instinct was to let him to rot, hell, Sonny told me that when he heard the message. And maybe that is the reason why I am still here, a small part of me just wants to say fuck it, delete the message and not moving a finger. He got in trouble by himself, he can get out of it the same way. Heaven knows, he was never there for me- Dean confesses, each word as a blade stabbing John´s soul.
-But?- Ally asks
-But I would never forgive myself if something were to happen to him just because I couldn’t be bother- Dean answers- The fuck should I do?
-I think that is something no one but yourself have to choose, neither me nor Steve nor Sony can tell you what to do- Ally whispers before adding- But I think you and I already know what you are going to choose. After all, Dean Winchester is known for being a self-sacrificing asshole- Ally tells him with a small smile.
-Yeah, guess perhaps I needed to have one last night before returning to my life.
-You don’t have to, you know? Just because you are going back to search for your father, doesn’t mean you lose your place here. You have a home here, whether you like it or not- she says
-Even if I end up bringing all my baggage with me?
-Specially then- Ally tells him- Promise me that after all this, whatever this is, is over, you will come back.
-I promise- Dean swears, before the scene ends with the two friends sharing a hug.

The scene changes quickly, this time showing Sony, Steve and Ally at Sonny´s driveway the next day, as Dean gets ready to leave. Ally hugs Dean tightly, Steve following suit, before telling Dean:
-Don’t be a stranger, okay man?- Steve tells him
-Of course not, who would teach the kids the right way to fight if I wasn’t around?- Dean responds with a fond voice
-Dickhead- Steve answers equally fondly, before being replace by Sonny
-So this is it?- Sonny asks
-I guess it is- Dean answers
-I once told you, you would always have a home here no matter what- Sonny tells him, getting a nod from Dean- I want you to remember that- Sonny says extending his hand to Dean, who takes it and pulls the old man into a hug
-Than you, Sonny, thank you for saving me once more- Dean whispers into the hug
-I didn’t save you- Sonny answers- You saved yourself- he tells him- Now go, be the hero we all know you are, and hurry so you can come back- the man says before ending the hug. Dean just nods, his voice leaving him as he climbs into the Impala, looking with something akin to grief on the rear mirror long after leaving behind Sonny´s place.
-Stanford, here I go- Dean says with a voice filled with emotions too strong to describe, before the scene cuts to black.

Sam´s stomach does a somersault while watching the scene playing, it is the beginning of the end, isn’t it? Not for the first time, does he curse his father for his actions, if not for the same reasons as before, why the hell did he have to call Dean for help? Before all this mess, Sam used to curse at his father for ruining his perfect life, now he knows that it was himself and his father that were ruining Dean´s life. Because Dean was finally getting better, and one phone call ended that. Sam wishes that Dean had followed Sonny´s advice and ignored the voicemail; sure, he recognizes that they would perhaps still be chasing their own tail, trying to find Yellow eyes but it is nothing short what they deserved for abandoning Dean in the first place.

John wonders if he is dead and this is Hell, because nothing else could explain this torture he is living by reliving his eldest son life. All his errors and mistakes are staring back at him. Is it any wonder that they are here today if the only reason he even calls his son is for help? John kind of wishes that Dean had just ignored him and kept on his life as if his father was dead. For the cryptic message he left on Dean´s phone, he might as well have been. But then again that is not who Dean is, is it? Old reliable Dean, who his family can push around and step on, because he will always be there, regardless, so why don’t take their frustrations in the human punch bag? John doesn’t know when he started taking Dean´s presence for granted, but he knows it has been a long time since he stopped looking at Dean as anything but a soldier, perhaps that is why Dean is not here with them today, perhaps they are indeed in hell and this is their punishment.

Chapter Text

Sometimes John wonders what would Mary think if she were still alive? But then again, they wouldn’t be in this mess if that was the case, would they? Because if Mary were still alive, he would never have taken his kids into a quest, because there wouldn’t be a quest to be had, so what would their lives have been like then? Would he have been a better father? Or would he have still been a bastard? Would he and Sam still have fought over college? Or would he have accepted Sam´s decisions? What about Dean? Would he have let his oldest go to college? Or would he have forced him into a different family´s business, albeit one safer? Would things have been better or would they still be here today? John doesn’t think he has an answer to those questions, hell, he knows those questions are pointless, but still, as he sees his son go down the road that cause his suicide, he cant help but wonder.

At this point, Sam had lost all hope, not that there was any to be had, that this wasn’t just a feverish dream, he could wake up to find his brother alive and well; a part of his subconscious was still waiting for all of this not to be real. As the memories progressed, he has come around to the fact that he is a terrible brother and not a very nice person to begin with. And now he is having a reality check he should have had years ago and he is slowly but surely losing hope that they can save Dean.

The screen lights up one again, this time showing what Sam clearly recognizes as Stanford campus and he guess this is the day that Dean broke into his apartment, but the timing is wrong. Didn’t Dean break well into the night after he and Jess had come back from that shitty Halloween party? The ringing of Dean´s phone cut his line of thoughts as he brings his focus back to the screen. Sam figures he will find out soon enough, even if that thought sends shivers through his body.
The screen shows Dean inside Baby, looking through the windshield, his expression unreadable but to the observant viewers they can see him trembling, doubt clouding his judgment, still debating whether he should grab Sam or leave and never come back, and it doesn’t take a genius to know why, after all the last time he was at Stanford, he left with his heart shattered in pieces that had not healed. The phone ringing distracts him from his thoughts and maybe that is the only reason why he answers.
-Dean Winchester- he answers, voice rough.
-Junior- the other voice answers, a voice that all Winchesters know
-Hi, Caleb- Dean answers, some of the roughness from his voice disappearing.
-You know?- Caleb tells him- You should really answer your phone more often, seriously, dude, Bobby was going crazy, if it wasn’t from the updates your friend Sonny has been giving him, and don’t think I am not kicking Jonny´s ass next time I see him…
-Goodbye, Caleb- Dean interrupts, roughness back, but before he can hang up, the older hunter says.
-No, wait, don’t hang up, please I need your help with a case- Caleb pleads
-I am on a case myself- Dean answers- Sorry- he says and by the way his voice cracks he means it.
-That is fine, I just need some info, please- Caleb tells him
-Shouldn’t you be calling Bobby, then?- Dean asks softly- Why would you asked me for lore? I mean, I am not the sharpest tool in the box, you know that?- And wow if that sentence is not a stab through the Winchesters heart
-Dean, I mean this in the kindest way- Caleb tells him, voice firm- What the fuck are you talking about? You know more lore from the top of their heads that any hunter I know, Bobby excluded, and only because he is a paranoid old man. Seriously, man, I have seen you crack cases of the top if your head, while the rest of us are still struggling.
-But that is only because I had help- Dean answers shrugging- But again, as I know there is no arguing with you, my question is why are you not calling Bobby.
-Oh man, I kind of did something stupid- Caleb says, sounding embarrassed over the phone
-Oh boy, what did you do?- Dean asks exhasperated, before adding- Let me rephrase, what did you do that Bobby and possibly your father specifically told you not to do?
-First of all I wanna say that by now they should know that when they tell me not to do something I will probably do it- Caleb responds
-I am going to hang up- Dean threatens
-No, wait- Caleb hurries- Okay, so there might have been a case in New Orleans that Bobby might or might not have told me not to get involved with as a sorceress that he knows was already working on it, I might or might not have shown up, complicating things between two magic users and she might or might not have cursed me for being a jackass
-You are a jackass- Dean deadpans, massaging his head- Do I even want to know how she cursed you?
-I have magical herpes- the older hunter says. Dean stays silent for a whole minute as amusement creeps towards him, before he (and the Winchesters watching) lets out a full belly laugh- It is not funny, asshole, c´mon you got to help a brother.
-Oh man- Dean says after sobering down- This is super funny. “Magical herpes”, really?- Dean asks- Are you sure you didn’t get that during your “weekend activities”?
-Shut up, asshole. She already admitted to it, told me she was going to hurt my pride for embarrassing her, I was just trying to help- the boy yells
-And your help was neither wanted nor required- Dean tells him
-Screw you- Caleb says without a heat, and a touch of embarrassment- What am I supposed to do now?
-Your dad is a doctor- Dean reminds him
-Yeah, well no way I am going to my dad with this, don’t need a lecture on top of everything
-Alright, well, the way I see it you have two options, you can go to a random doctor and you can get treat it the old way, meaning antibiotics and shit or you can try the quicker but harder solution
-Yeah and what is that, genius
-You go and gave the woman a real and sincere apology for being an overzealous asshole and ask her to remove the “curse”- Dean explains in a condescending voice
-And what if she doesn’t?- Caleb asks
-Then you get your ass to a doctor- Dean deadpans- Honestly, Caleb, just get your sorry ass to the sorceress place and apologize
-I guess I would have been pissed too if someone had stolen my hunt, but did she really have to mess with my privates?- Caleb whines.
-I mean, she could have killed you or let you get killed
-Fine- Caleb finally accepts- But if this doesn’t work I am blaming you
-You are welcome- Dean tells him rolling his eyes- Goodbye Caleb
-Goodbye, Dean- Caleb says before adding- And call Bobby- he says before disconnecting the call, leaving the car in silence once more

And with that phrase all trace of amusement seems to leave Dean´s frame as he starts tapping the wheel nervously, a tick that Sam has realized his brother has whenever he is nervous. After staring at his phone indefinably, Dean finally picks up his phone and dials a number, however it is not the voice that the Winchesters expected to hear
-Hello?- a feminine voice answers as the call connects
-Hi, Rhonda- Dean greets with a shaky voice
-You are an asshole- the girl answers back
-I know
-No, seriously, we were super worried for you, your uncle almost organized a manhunt for your ass, so you better have an explanation ready. If it hadn’t been for your pal Sonny, we would have thought you were dead on a ditch somewhere. So, what is your excuse?
-I am sorry- Dean says, his body shaking slightly- I was in a really low place once more, I just I didn’t know what to do
-Oh sugar- Rhonda answers, her voice softening- That is the exact moment for you to pick up the phone, but I get you, we were just worry about you. Sorry for yelling, it was an asshole move of my part
-Well, I probably deserved it- Dean tells her, her words giving him some comfort
-But you are better now, sugar?- Rhonda asks
-You know? I think I am- Dean tells her
-Good- she says- So, not that I am not happy to hear from you, but we both know that you are just stalling to avoid calling Bobby
-What if he doesn’t want to hear from me?- Dean asks fearful
- You are family, Dean, there is no world where Bobby doesn’t want you, so man up Winchester and call
-Alright- Dean agrees
-And don’t think for a minute that if you are lying to me, I wont find out where you are and kick your ass all the way to Sioux Falls
-Thank, Rhonda- Dean says sincerely
-What are friend off, darling?- the girl says before disconnecting the call

It is with a shaky breath that Dean dials Bobby´s number and it doesn’t take long for the call to connect
-Hello?- Bobby´s voice sounds through the receiver. There is a moment of silence where only Dean´s rough breaths can be heard, before Bobby add- Is anyone there? If this is a prank, I am going to…
-Hi, Bobby- Dean answers cutting the man´s tirade off- It´s me
-Hi, Bobby? That is all you have to say for yourself, boy?- Bobby huffs- You pull that shit once more and I will find you wherever you are and drag you to the yard myself, you understand?- he asks
-Bobby, I am so sorry- Dean apologizes, flinching violently- I…
-Almost gave me a heart attack. You lose contact with a hunter and you expect the worse- Bobby says, tone softening- Good to know you are not hurt, son.
-Bobby? What?- Dean says confusion on his tone- Arent you mad at me?- he asks bracing himself for a tirade
-Mad? Never. Pissed? Maybe- Bobby answers- But I understand why you did it, I just want to remind you that I am here, doesn’t matter what happens, I will always have your back, Dean, because family is always there for each other, and family doesn’t end in blood- Bobby tells him, making a few stray tears fall from Dean´s eyes
-Bobby, thanks- Dean says holding back a sob, with raw sincerity in his tone.
-Yeah, well, enough with the mushy stuff- Bobby says after regaining his voice- Now, where are you? And your next words better be that you are heading here- he threatens jokingly
-I am at Stanford- Dean confesses
-Is Sam okay?- Bobby asks, tone alert
-Yeah, no, he is fine, but…-Dean answers quickly reassuring the older hunter- Dad is “missing”- and Sam and John are surprised to see him making air quotes
-What?- Bobby asks
-He left me a cryptid voice message and honestly I don’t know whether to believe he is missing or no, but what I do know is that we might be in trouble, so better to have Sam close for the weekend- Dean answers, and John doesn’t know whether or not to be surprised that Dean was able to figure his act so quickly
-Damn, John and his secrets- Bobby says over he phone- Say the world, son, and I will pull the forces together, that idjit Rufus still owns me a few favors- Bobby musses
-Thanks, Bobby- Dean says- But I think I will try to find him on my own for now, until I have something more concrete
-Alright. You need anything you call me, got it?
-Yeah- Dean answers and before either of them can hang up, Dean whispers- And Bobby?
-Yeah?
-Thanks- Dean says before hanging up the phone.

The scene shifts quickly, this time showing Dean standing outside Sam´s apartment at night. The young hunter takes a deep breath, as he enters Sam´s apartment, he lets his façade take over him, and then the scene ends.

John feels baffled watching the last scene. Dean knew he wasn’t in trouble and he still left everything for him, to help him, after everything he has done to him none the less. He is left feeling like the scumbag he already suspected he was. He is not sure what he did to deserve such a pure boy as his son, but he sure as hell took him from granted ever since. John also doesn’t miss the way Dean flinched when Bobby picked up the phone, as if he expected the older hunter to berate him and tear him down, just like his old man would have done. Now more than ever, John is sure he is a shitty excuse for a father. The next memories are going to show the wild chase his sons had to do to “find” him, every time he ignored them for his own convenience is going to be shown to him and he cant do nothing to change it.

“Family doesn’t end with blood” is the phrase that keeps replaying in Sam´s head. It is a phrase he has heard Bobby said his whole life, and he used to scoff at it, head always in the clouds thinking what he would give for a “normal” family and never appreciating the one he had in front of him. Never appreciating what Dean had done for him, what he had sacrificed for him. Now, he wishes he could go back in time and do it all over again, do it better. They are about to watch Dean´s last months of living, and they are too late to change it now.

Chapter Text

Ever since this whole quest started, John cant help but keep wondering, why on Earth he had to involve his children into his mess once more? Was it really necessary? Did he really need them for his mission? Or it was just him being a selfish greedy bastard that couldn’t leave things be? Because if it wasn’t for him maybe Dean would have been able to make a life of himself at Sonny´s place, maybe not one with a white picket fence, his oldest had seen way too much for it to actually be real, but a happier life none the less, instead he drag him down with him, taking Sammy too for good messure, and then threw him away like a broken toy when he was done with him. Next memories are going to be hell to watch.

Sam is scared. He knows what the next memories are going to show and he doesn’t think he is capable of watching them. He doesn’t think he can stomach watching all the rude things he said to his brother while they had their little mission for revenge.

The screen lights up once more, this time showing Sam´s apartment at Stanford engulfed by darkness, there is a small noise outside that makes Sam stand up from his bed and going to investigate, only to be tackled by Dean, and if they were in any other situation, John would probably laugh at his sons tumbling like teenagers, but this isn’t any other situation, so John cant find amusing on it.
On the screen, Dean gets an introduction to Jess. Back then Sam was annoyed at his brother´s comments to Jess, but now after watching Dean´s memories for so long, he can detect the mask his brother is putting, the one that makes him seem reckless, he wonders if perhaps that wasn’t Dean last attempt to give him an out, to give both of themselves one.

The memory continues this time showing the two brothers arguing as they climb down the stairs
-When I told dad, I was scared of the thing in my closet he gave me a .45- Sam says, and back then it sounded like such a compelling argument to show why their family life was unstable, it seemed like such a big crime, now it pales in comparison of what Sam know his brother had to go through. Meanwhile, John hides his face into his hand as he hears one more thing he failed his sons
-I was nine years old- “Sam” continues- He was supposed to say “Don’t be afraid of the dark”.
-Of course you should be afraid of the dark- Dean says- You know what´s out there- and that phrase is said in such an earnest way, that both John and Sam realize that no one ever taught Dean that.

The fight continues as the Winchesters start to feel the anger and desperation that Dean is feeling. Back then, Sam didn’t notice, but now watching closely, he can see the flash of anger on Dean´s face when he mentions their mother, now more than a year later, Sam knows it was a low blow.
“Do you think that mom would have wanted that for us?” is a question that hits John like a freighting train. It is one he had asked himself multiple times. In his earlier years of hunting the answer would have been yes, now after knowing how the story ends, he is sure that Mary would have killed him, way before this.

-I cant do this alone- Dean says, and the desperation is back in full vengeance. Back then, Sam thought his brother was trying to guilt him into going with him, but now he realizes it was the way his brother was trying to reach out, and he feels like a dick for the way he ignored it
-Yes, you can- “Sam” says callously
-Yeah, well I don’t want to- Dean says, tone raw with honesty

The scene continues, with Sam finally giving in, when asked about why Dean wasn’t with his dad when he went missing, Dean lies and says he was on a hunt in New Orleans. John is sure that had he asked Caleb back then, he would have told them, that Dean was of course doing a hunt in New Orleans with him, and he guesses that is why he went with that lie.
Sam is floored by the way he hears himself talking to his brother, he knows pretty well, that Dean is capable of working his own hunts, without their father´s help, then why on earth did he have to be so condescending when Dean tells him he was working his own gig? Sam also comes to a startling realization, when he met Dean after all those years apart, Dean was wearing a mask but had some confidence on himself, a confidence that he started to rip down, with comments and critics until it was barely there. Sam helped destroyed Dean, and this time he cant blame his father for it

Dean explains the hunt to Sam, and John cant help but be impressed at how prepared Dean is, he sure as hell didn’t give him any info, perhaps hoping to delay his sons off his track, he ends up feeling sick for doubting his son. Sam finally agrees to go with Dean, under his own conditions (and the Sam watching wants to quick himself for always having to put his conditions, that college interview sounded so important back then)
At the screen, Sam gives one last kiss to Jess, and the Sam watching lets out a single tear, this is the last time that he will see Jess alive

The memories of the case continue as Sam and Dean keep trying to find clues as to where their father is. John cant help but notice how his sons seem to be in sync, even after all this time, and he cant ignore how better they are at what they are doing, hell, they found more clues to the case in one day that what he found in a week, of course he might have found more info if he hadn’t been busy chasing information at the bottom of his bottle.

The screen shows Dean and Sam in the bridge at the middle of the night, they seem to be focusing on the case, and then…
-You are really serious about the interview, aren’t you? You think you are just going to became some lawyer?- Dean says tone full of sarcasm- Marry your girl? Does Jessica knows the truth about you?- Dean asks as repressed anger hits his family. Back then, Sam thought his brother was angry at him, but now he realizes that Dean was angry on behalf of Jessica, and he had a right to be, because Sam planned his marriage to the girl, based on lies, and that is not how Dean raised him
-You are one of us- Dean says in an ominous tone
-No- “Sam” says- I am not like you. This is not going to be my life- and the Sam watching wants to rage at his younger self if only he knew…
-To Dad? And his crusade?- And damn if that phrase doesn’t hurt John deeply, he really managed to screw both of his sons- If it weren’t for pictures, I wouldn’t even know what Mom looks like. What difference would it make? Even if we found the think that killed her, mom is gone and she is never coming back
Anger like nothing they have ever felt fills Dean as he pushes Sam against the bridge support, but there is also a lot of hurt and grief mixed with that anger, and Sam wants nothing more than the floor to swallow him, as he watches himself hurl those careless words, at the moment he felt victorious at having hurt Dean with his words, now the only thing he feels is shame; Sam takes a quick look to his dad, the exact moment that John looks at him with a glare, John wants to say something to his wayward son, but he stays quiet, it wont do to speak in anger, heaven knows that is how most of his troubles start

Dean releases Sam, only to see Constance´s ghost fall off the bridge, and then Baby starts chasing them down the bridge. John feels his heart leap through his throat and he turns to Sam, eyes wild with a scared tone
-Sam?- he asks- Please tell me your brother did not just jump off a bridge known for his suicide rate, that the ghost you are chasing used to killed herself.
-I cant tell you that, dad- Sam responds, only now understanding the gravity of the situation, he thought it was funny to see Dean covered by black waters, he never once thought that an inch to the left and he might have lost his brother
-Jesus- John responds- And he wasn’t hurt?
-Of course no…-Sam starts to answers but then cuts himself off. When they arrived back at the motel, Dean seemed to be walking more stiffly and he was sure he saw a few bandages peaked out of his brother´s clothing
-He was hurt but didn’t tell you, right?- John guesses and seeing Sam´s tiny nod all but confirms it. John puts his head in his hands, he never thought anything about the hunt he sent his boys, he never even asked about it afterwards, hell, he was uncommunicated at the time. Dean could have died, and he probably wouldn’t have answered the phone, he hadn’t answered the phone when Dean was dying.

On the screen Dean and Sam enter their father´s room and John feels ashamed at the state of his room and about the fact that he left the job without finishing it; a man died because of his inactions. He could have helped; he just couldn’t bother to give a damn.

At the screen the police arrest Dean and both Winchesters wince as Dean is slammed unto the police car, if there was any doubt that Dean´s ribs were injured, there wasn’t now, it certainly hurt as if they were broken. Dean continues antagonizing the cops until Sam creates a distraction long enough for Dean to escape with John´s journal. Dean calls Sam from a phone booth informing him of his dad´s whereabouts.

Worry fills the air as the call cuts, as Dean springs into action finding Sam at record time, Dean is one hell of a hunter, is the thought running in his family´s minds. Dean is not a second too late, because when he finds Sam, he is being attacked by Constance in the Impala, and Dean doesn’t hesitate even a second before shooting through the windows. Later, Dean would bitch about his Baby´s windows, but between his brother and his car, is clear who he prioritizes, if only his family had felt the same.
Soon enough the case is solved, as Constance reunites with her children. And John honestly thought they would feel some sympathy coming from Dean, but there is only indifference (John doesn’t seem to realize that Dean might have felt sympathy for the ghost if only she hadn’t killed her kids)

The brothers return to Stanford, Dean´s hurt piercing in the room as Sam tells him, he is not going with him.
-Maybe I can meet with you later?- “Sam” says, and both brothers know is a lie
-Yeah, alright- says a dejected Dean as Sam turns to enter his apartment
-We made one hell of a team- Dean says before driving away.

Dean continues to drive, only arriving at the end of the street before stopping the car. There is a feeling of wrongness and uneasiness in the air, it is prickling at Dean´s (and the Winchester´s) neck. Something is wrong and before he knows it Dean is turning the car around and running through the door, managing to get Sammy out before the fire engulfs him-

And just like that, Sam falls to his knees, breaking down in tears, He knew it would be hard watching this, but Jess´ death still pierces something inside him. She was his first serious love, he could see himself having a life with her. He cries bitter tears, some of them are for Jess, but some are also for Dean, his brother who had saved him more times that he cared to admit or acknowledge, his brother who had been stomping out fires his whole life, he also cries for him, and it is too much, but hell if he is going to fail his brother, again. Sam feels his father´s strong arms engulfing him into a hug, and he cant help but cry harder, because at the end his father is a poor substitute off the arms he wishes were comforting him.

John sees his son break down in the seat next to him. He engulfs him into his arms in a hug, letting a few tears fall down as well. He wants to say something to his son, but he cant find the words. Any words would pale, anyways, on comparison with the ones he is sure his son wished to hear. So he holds his son, in a movement that feels foreigner, but that shouldn’t be. It is high time he starts acting like a father. It is definitely too little and pretty much too late, but he will provide what little comfort he could, before they continue their journey through Dean´s memories.

Chapter Text

Sam feels like he is flying, and not in the good way. More than a year after Jess´ death and the wound in his heart keeps bleeding. He keeps missing her like a limb, she was his first serious girlfriend and the love of his life. Sometimes, he wonders if things could have turn down different if he had just told her the truth, but most of the times he wishes he hadn’t met her at all, then perhaps she would still be alive.

John didn´t like what he saw in his younger son´s look after the fire. It is a look he knows well; it is the same look he has seen it on the mirror since Mary´s death. It is the look for revenge, he never wanted to see in either of his sons. Still, it doesn’t surprise him to see it on Sam, Dean always told them they were too alike, that that was the reason why they were always fighting. It is not a lie, Dean was always more like Mary, before John went and try to tear him down, perhaps that is why he cannot longer look at his son in the eyes.

The scene starts, this time showing both brothers inside a motel room not far from Stanford. “Sam” is drinking straight from a bottle, sitting in one of the beds, while Dean is trying and failing to approach his brother. It is a cold remainder of another Winchester drinking, with Dean trying to appease him, and it makes both father and son shudder, Sam more than John, because he doesn’t quite remember what happened that night, but surely he couldn’t have screw up like his father right?

-C´mon, Sammy- Dean says to his brother- Time to go to bed
-You go to bed- “Sam” scoffs, while taking another sip from the bottle- I am going to keep drinking
-You have enough already- Dean says placating his brother
-You know what, Dean?- “Sam” asks standing up with unsteady feet- Fuck off- he lashes out- Just because you can keep yourself at check while drinking doesn’t mean everyone else is a drunk- he says tumbling towards Dean- I am not our father- “Sam” spits out
-You certainly look like him- Dean tells him and not a second later “Sam” slaps his brother so hard that makes both brothers tumble to the ground

If it wasn’t for the sting he feels on his cheek, Sam wouldn’t believe what he just witnessed. He cant believe he did this to Dean, he cant believe he doesn’t remember it. He watches the screen as Dean tries to get away from him on the screen as his past self tries to reach out, apologizing over and over again, but the words ring insincere in his own ears, and they certainly lose effect when they continue to slurred together. Perhaps is the combination of the alcohol and his actions what mercifully makes his younger self past out. Dean makes his way over him and with a tenderness he doesn’t deserve he carries and tucks his younger brother on the motel bed, before taking a tub of concealer from his hygiene bag and directing himself to the bathroom, before the scene ends.

John is suddenly furious at Sam, how dare him treat his brother so callously after everything Dean did for him? But his anger deflates like a balloon without air inside him, after all, it would be kind of hypocrite of him to berate Sam for something he had done plenty (a part deep inside of him that he rather not to acknowledge is almost happy to be shown he is not the only one that screw up). That doesn’t stop him from saying to his son:
-I might be a hypocrite, but you and I know that I don’t give a shit about that. You hit your brother again outside of training and I will tan your hide, alright?- John says with a sober tone
-I was drunk- Sam says petulantly, trying to excuse the inexcusable
-I don’t care- John replies- It wasn’t okay when I did it and it is not okay now- John says ending the conversation
Sam cant help but look at his dad, he wants to fight him, he wants to excuse himself, and even goes as far as almost vocalizing how it is not his fault that he hit Dean while drunk, but then he stops himself when he realizes that he is behaving himself just like his father, refusing to take accountability for his actions, always trying to blame someone else. He hangs his head in shame, as the guilt creeps in, he has seen himself on the mirror and he is not sure he likes what he is seeing.

The memories continue this time showing Dean and Sam at Jess´ funeral, there is a somber atmosphere going inside the room, so neither Winchester bother to comment, there are no words to say. At the end of the service, Sam sticks around the grave, while Dean remains in the sidelines. There is no bruise marring his face, but that doesn’t mean anything to his family, past memories have shown he has always been at master at covering them. The scene continues with Dean and “Sam” inside the Impala heading to a new hunt, the loud rock music being the only sound inside the car, but the worry coming out of Dean somehow seems to be louder, and wow if Sam doesn’t feel like a douche for taking his brother for granted, hell Dean even offered Sam to drive. “Sam” wakes up from a nightmare and both brother theorize where their father might be. John feels the shame from earlier crawling up to him, he sent his sons on a wild chase, just because he couldn’t bare to face them with what he had discovered, what kind of father is he?

The scene continues, this time with the brothers speaking to the park ranger, who directs them to the sister of the last victim and Sam doesn’t like one bit what he is seeing on the screen, he is being callous and reckless, and he is also not amused by the way he is talking to Dean, why does he have to behave like such a condescending asshole?
The more evidence “Sam” and Dean collect on the screen, the more John pales, he didn’t even bother to figure out what the thing he sent his sons to hunt was, he didn’t even ask them afterwards, but as the only witness to the attack recounts his story, John has a pretty good idea what might be the monster his sons are hunting, but he prays he is wrong.

-We cannot let that Haley girl go into the woods- “Sam” says
-What are we gonna tell her?- Dean asks with an exasperated tone- She cant go because of a big, scary monster?
-Yeah
-Her brother´s missing, Sam. She is not going to sit this out- Dean says in such an earnest tone, that the Winchesters are taking aback by the reaction. Dean says that last phrase as if he is trying to explain to Sam the importance of the action, as if Sam wouldn’t have understood had Dean hadn’t clarified it, and perhaps Dean actually thinks that, after all, Dean went missing a few times too, and neither his father nor brother raise a hand to find him
-Now, we gotta babysit too?- “Sam” asks angrily while closing the Impala´s trunk forcefully, past Sam doesn’t notice his brother flinching but present Sam and John do, and it only makes them feel worse.

The memory cuts to the next morning as the brothers find Haley, her brother Josh and their guide outside of the woods. There is annoyance coming off Dean while hearing the supposed expert talk, and honestly his family agrees and are amused by Dean´s animosity towards the man, until one sentence sobers them up
-Sweetheart, I don’t do shorts- Dean says casually and in any other circumstance that wouldn’t mean anything, except this isn’t any circumstance, and both father and son know why Dean has an aversion to that particular piece of clothing, it is the same reason why regardless of the weather, Dean always wears short sleeves, his thighs and arms are covered by scars, scars that are forever seared into his family´s eyes after seeing them on the hospital and on the memories. It is such a wonder how such an innocent phrase can’t have such a big impact.

The whole memory speeds up afterwards with the group walking inside the forest, until they find the victims campsite. Nothing extraordinary happens until the screams begin and John wants to be angry at his sons for falling into such an obvious trap, trap that gets more dangerous when the groups returns to camp, to find their belongings gone. “Sam” finally figures out what the monster is, and John goes pale once more, his biggest fears are confirmed the creature he sent his sons to hunt is a Wendigo
Back at camp, things escalate with “Sam” and Dean trying to get the family and their guide out of the woods. “Sam” almost goes to blows with Roy over it, with Dean hovering at the background, with Dean finally interfering, before Haley declares she is not leaving her brother behind. There is a change in Dean´s stance and his features go soft, before declaring they will need to protect themselves if they want to survive. Back then Sam might have been surprised by what he thought was a “stupid” decision on his brother part, but he understands now where Dean was coming for, one should never leave their sibling behind, Dean certainly never did (Sam wishes he had repaid the favor)

Dean sits with “Sam” after drawing the protection sigils
-Wanna tell me what is going up with you?- he says with a caring voice- And don’t say you are fine.
-Dad´s not here- “Sam” says
-To tell you the truth, I don’t think dad was ever here- Dean tells his brother, his answer sending a knife through John´s heart
-Then lets get this people to safety, get out of here and go find dad- and wow his younger self is really losing the point, Sam thinks- Why are we here?
- I think dad wants us to pick up from where he left off. Saving people hunting things, the family business- Dean says
-I gotta find dad. I gotta find Jessica´s killer- “Sam” says
-We are gonna find them- Dean promises- But all that anger- he says- you cant keep it burning over the long haul. Its gonna kill you. You gotta have patience, man- Dean says
-How do you do it?- “Sam” asks
-For people like them- Dean answers- I figure our family´s so screwed to hell, maybe we can help some others- he says, proving why he will always be a better hunter and a better person than his father and brother, they may have the same skills, and John may have more experience, but at the end of the day, Dean is the only one that cares for the victims.

The brothers´ heart to heart is interrupted by screams coming from the forest, the Wendigo trying to lure them out and succeeding with Roy, with “Sam” and Dean managing to get back to safety just in time. The next morning, they explained to the rest of the group what they are going against, before continuing their hike through the woods, finding scratch marks all over the trees, falling into another trap. Dean and “Sam” get separated, Dean and Haley finding themselves face to face with the creature.
John wants to crawl his eyes out just by watching as his son and the girl are picked up by the monster, still he is proud to notice that Dean doesn’t go out without a fight and even manages to leave a trail of M&M of all things, if he wasn’t so worry about his son, he would laugh about his son genius, as it is he manages a quick snort, that turns into a grunt as the creature hangs Dean from the roof of some kind of mine, stretching his muscles. Besides him, Sam moves uncomfortable after getting the strange feeling of invisible ropes, before he also feels a pang of hurt by his side, almost as if his ribs where bruised, Sam wants to believe Dean would have said anything and perhaps that is why he never asked him after he found him, but it doesn’t take a genius to realize that Dean was more hurt that what he admitted

On the screen, “Sam” and Josh find Dean and Haley, as well as Haley and Josh´s brother, Tommy, miraculously still alive. Of course as they try to leave the cave, they encounter that the monster is in the way of their exist, which is the reason why Dean comes up with the most clever and stupid plan, batting the wendigo towards himself. It is a suicidal and reckless plan that somehow works with Dean managing to scorch the creature with a flare gun before he can hurt “Sam”
The memory ends with Haley, Josh and Tommy going to the hospital and Dean and “Sam” hitting the road. It ends with a hopeful tone, that Sam and John know better than to think it will last.

John´s minds keeps flashing with multiple scenarios. Stories of experienced hunters getting mauled by wendigos flashing in his mind, hell, he remembers Bobby and him hauling off a hunt after figuring that the thing they were hunting was said creature. He remembers Bobby calling for back up and not going through the forest again until Rufus and Lee Chambers arrived. There weren’t any civilians with them either, all men there were aware of the risks, and they didn’t get out of the forest unscathed. His sons enter that forest with three civilians and their heads not in the game. He wants to commend Dean´s plan, but it was reckless at best and suicidal at worst. His hands shake just by thinking how things could have gone wrong, and him being the lousy father he was probably wouldn’t have figured out until it was too late.

The screen flashes again, this time showing the brothers sitting in the middle off a diner, searching for a new case and John is glad to notice that his sons are getting along. Dean tells “Sam” about a freak case where a young woman was drowned on a lake, however the conversation quickly goes downhill
-Had a funeral two days ago- Dean scoffs
-Funeral?- “Sam” asks bewilder
-They buried an empty coffin- Dean explains- For closure or whatever- he says sarcastically
-Closure? What closure? People don’t just disappear, Dean. Other people just stop looking for them- just like they have stopped looking for Dean, Sam thinks. His past self phrase seems to ignite something inside Dean, because cold fury fills the room
-Something you want to say to me?- Dean asks defiantly
-The trail for dad keeps getting colder- “Sam” replies never one to back down
-You know what?- Dean tells him- I am sick of this attitude. You don’t think I wanna find dad as much as you do. I am the one that was here while you were at Stanford- Dean says in a reproachful tone, making his family ashamed for different reasons- We will find dad, but until then we are going to kill every bad thing we come across, okay?- Dean says
-Okay- “Sam” says with a bitch face before the scene shifts

The boys arrive to their destination, interrogating the victim´s family, getting no clues whatsoever as to what could have happened. The brothers go to the police station and talk to the sheriff, where they get some more vital information, before being interrupted by the sheriff daughter and grandson (Andrea and Lucas).
Dean attempts to flirt with Andrea, his attempts not as fake as most, but Dean´s thoughts are quickly interrupted when he catches sight of Lucas. Suddenly an immense sense of grief and sadness fills Dean at seeing the small quite boy, he knows how to recognize suffering, he was once in the boy´s shoes. Dean tries to strike a conversation with Andrea but he is quickly shot down
The boys continue to search until they find that Luca´s father was one of the victims
-No wonder that kid was so freaked out- Dean says- Watching one of your parents die isn’t something you just get over- he finishes before the scene cuts to black

John lets another tear fall from his eyes after that statement, how can he not when he knows where Dean is coming from? Dean was once Lucas. Not for the first time, he wishes there was never a fire, if Mary had to die, couldn’t it be from something less violent? Or at least something his son hadn’t had to bear witness off? Dean´s silence is perhaps the clearest thing he remembers from the months after the fire. He should have taken his son to a specialist or at least talk to him afterwards, but he was too consumed by his own grief to spare any care for the suffering of his son (there was always something more important than his eldest son)
Sam cant help but be crushed by the weight on his shoulders Dean has (had?) been managing to carry all the way to adulthood. It seems wrong that something that happened when he was four can impact someone this way. Sam liked to complain about everything wrong in his life and about Dean´s part in it, but he never once appreciated the strength his brother had to acquire to keep going after every shitty thing that has happened to him. Sam knows that if he had had to live even a fraction of the things Dean had, he wouldn’t be here today.

The scenery changes to the city´s park, where Andrea is watching Lucas draw. Dean approaches the silent boy with caution and starts a conversation with him with patience and care, something he clearly didn’t learn from his father, John thinks
-Hey, how are you doing?- Dean asks the boy, only to be ignored. Dean is not deterred though, and continues trying to draw Lucas in conversation. He sits next to him and stars drawing, while saying- You know? I am thinking you can hear me; you just don’t want to talk. I don’t know exactly what happened to your dad, but I know it was something really bad. I think I know how you feel- he confesses- When I was your age, I saw something. Maybe you don’t think anyone will listen to you or believe you, but I will. You don’t even have to say anything; you could draw me a picture about what you saw that day with your dad on the lake- Dean finishes and after a few minute of silence, he gives a drawing of his family to Lucas, before walking away.
-Lucas hadn’t said a word to anyone since the accident- Andrea confesses when Dean arrives
-We heard. I am sorry- Dean says sincerely, with a lump in his throat
-The doctor says that it is a kind of post-traumatic stress- she says- Just when I think about what he has gone through, what he saw… He used to have such life. I just wished…-Andrea starts only to be interrupted by Lucas, who delivers a picture to Dean
-Thanks, Lucas- Dean says sincerely, before the scene ends.

“Maybe you don’t think anyone will listen to you or believe you” is a phrase that break something in John´s and Sam´s hearts, because that is the root of the problem isn’t it? Neither of them ever listened to Dean, not really anyways, they were always too caught up on their own lives to even spare a glance towards Dean´s. Perhaps if they had taken a moment to look, they would have recognized Dean´s actions for what they were, pleads for help, perhaps then he wouldn’t be (almost) gone

The case continues with “Sam” informing Dean about another victim that drowned in the sink. The brothers theorize that something must be hunting the lake, finding a connection between victims, which is why they go to the victims´ house to talk to their father. Talking to the grieving father doesn’t give them any answers and they oblige the man´s wishes to be left alone. Still a phrase strikes inside John´s mind “Losing one sons is worse than dying” John wishes he would have understood that earlier, maybe then he would have appreciated what he had before it was gone.

As they are leaving the house, Dean notices a resemblance between the Carlton´s house and Lucas drawing, so Dean decides to go talk to Lucas. When they arrive, Andrea is contrived to let them talk to her traumatized son, but Dean manages to convince her that it could do some good. The conversation is as follows:
-Hey, Lucas- Dean says- I wanted to thank you for the last drawing, but the thing is I need your help again- he tells him before pulling out the drawing, Lucas continues drawing, ignoring Dean´s presence, but Dean doesn’t back down and with a soft voice he says- You are scared and I understand. See, when I was your age, I saw something real bad happen to my mom and I was scared too- he confesses- I didn’t want to talk just like you. But see, my mom, I know she wanted me to be brave. I think about it every single day and I do my best to be brave- Dean finishes his confession with his voice breaking towards the end. This is a man that lost everything over and over again and still tried to be brave until he broke under the overwhelming pressure, just because his family couldn’t give a damn, both Winchesters think

-And maybe you dad wants you to be brave too- Dean adds. Lucas finally meets Dean´s eyes and maybe he senses the sincerity coming off the man, because he gives Dean another drawing- Thanks, Lucas- Dean says finishing the scene
It speeds back to both brothers inside the Impala, thinking about what the picture could refer to, finally getting clue in by the church Lucas draw. There is a moment of silence before “Sam” speaks
-You know, um… What you said about mom, you never told me that before- he says
-It is not a big deal- Dean lies, before they go to find the place
At arrival, they find an old lady who tells them that the boy in the picture was his son (Peter), his son that disappears when he was young in his ride back from school and she never knew what happened to him. Dean finds a photo of a young Bill Carlton, which makes the brothers think that the man might had been involved in Peter´s disappearance. The boys rush to the man´s house only in time to see the man´s boat sink into the water.
The memory cuts to the boys arriving at the police station with the sheriff to find Andrea and Lucas in there. Lucas seems to be distraught about something and the moment he sees Dean he clutches to his arm. Dean and Andrea try to calm Lucas down, with little to not success, before Andrea takes Lucas away.

The sheriff kicks Dean and “Sam” off their city threatening to arrest them, so the boys leave trying not to make a fuss. Dean drives to the outskirts off the town but there is a feeling of wrongness inside him, “Sam” tries to dissuade him of coming back, but Dean gets worried and refuses to be persuade
-Why are you so sure this isn’t over?- “Sam” asks
-Because Lucas was really scared and I am not leaving until I know that little boy is alright- Dean says
-Who are you and what have you done to my brother?- “Sam” asks, and seriously the only thing Sam asks is a few minutes with his younger self, maybe then he could beat some sense into himself
-Shut up- Dean says and the look he gives his brother is enough to shut him up.

They arrive at the Barr´s house only to be met by a frantic Lucas who opens the door and directs them towards the bathroom, where they find Andrea in the process of getting drowned by the little boy´s spirit, with Dean holding back Lucas as Sam pulls her to safety. It takes until morning to calm mother and son down. Dean starts to investigate around the house only to find evidence that the sheriff was also involved in the murder, he conveys this information to “Sam” and Andrea only to be interrupted by Lucas, who guides them towards a buried bike.
The sheriff arrives to comfort them and he almost shoot them, but Andrea stops them. What follows next is a back and forth between the brothers and the sheriff, with the man finally confessing to killing Peter, alongside with Bill and throwing his body inside the lake. The sheriff still refuses to believe the hunters, but Andrea anguishes cries makes them all look back, to see Lucas trying to reach towards the lake. Desperation and adrenaline fill the room as they see a hand pulling Lucas inside the river.
Dean and “Sam” jump inside, trying to find Lucas. The brothers come up for air in time to see the sheriff offering himself to the angry ghost to save his grandson. The ghost drags the man down and Dean and “Sam” give one last try to find Lucas.
The Winchesters watching suddenly feel their lungs burning for lack of air as they realize that Dean wasn’t planning on coming up for air until he found Lucas. There are black spots dancing on their eyes by the time Dean manages to get Lucas at surface. There is cold and exhaustion mixing in there, but Dean makes one last inhumane push and gets both Lucas and himself into the shore, as the scene ends.

The screen cuts to the next day, with Andrea and Lucas catching up with the brothers. Lucas finally speaks saying they brought sandwiches for the brothers to take on the road and Dean volunteers to help him take them to the car
-Thank you for believing in me- Lucas says with a soft quiet voice
-Thank you for helping us- Dean says- How are you holding up?- Dean asks and Lucas just shrugs- You will be okay- Dean tells him, giving the boy a brief hug, before exclaiming- Alright. If you are going to be talking now, this is a very important phrase. Repeat after me: Zeppelin rules
-Zeppelin rules!- Lucas exclaims laughing, before high fiving Dean
-You take care of your mom, alright?- Dean says getting a nod from Lucas, before the brothers climb inside the Impala and the scene ends

If only he had helped Dean the way that Dean helped Lucas, maybe this would have never happened, John thinks as he watches the scene end. There is an uplifting tone to the end of the memory that makes the guilt inside John, turn a little bit more. The longer the memories continue the more and more he realizes what a terrible parent he has been since the beginning, the realization comes too late though, because there is too little he can do about it now.
The more the memories continue, the more Sam realizes that he never made an effort to understanding his brother or even be emphatic towards him. As time passes, the weight on Dean´s shoulders grew bigger and bigger, is there any wonder that after fighting for years, he was crushes by it?

Chapter Text

Sometimes Sam wonders how he could have been so blind? How was he so oblivious as to not notice his brother´s struggles and sacrifices? How was he so naïve to believe Dean´s excuses? Because yeah, maybe Dean didn’t want him to know and perhaps he was too young back then, but he never once wondered why his brother´s frame was so thin after they reunite again, he never once wondered how his brother have obtained the money he had without a stable job. At the very least, he should have paid more attention at Dean´s reckless disregard of his own life, and now they are paying the price,

John doesn’t even try to delude himself in thinking that the next memories are going to be easy. There might be good moments but all of them are going to be bittersweet when he knows the outcome. Every memory they see is one moment less that Dean is alive. He was never once for chess (or board games in general), that didn’t stop his father trying to teach him when he was younger and to be fair he learned some things; one of them was a german term named Zugzwang when no matter what movement the player makes the outcome is the same. It involved more, John knows, but that is the gist of the term, and John wonders if perhaps just like in chess, they won’t be able to change the outcome once they reach the end.

The screen turns on once more, this time showing a memory of Dean waking up as soon as “Sam” enters their motel room. Sam thinks it is unfair that the only time that Dean seems to not have the weight of the world in his shoulder is when he is asleep. There is suddenly worry in the air as Dean starts questioning “Sam”
-You still having nightmares about Jess?- Dean asks
-Yeah- “Sam” confesses- but it is not about just her is about everything. I have forgotten how this job gets to you
-You cant let it. You cant bring it home- Dean answers with a tender but shaky voice as he takes a sip of his coffee
-So what this never keep you up at night? You are never afraid?
-Not really- Dean answers quickly, tone firm but insincere. “Sam” just huffs as he pulls out the knife Dean keeps under his pillow. And well, the Grammy to worst parent ever goes to him, doesn’t it?, John thinks. What kind of parent takes their son into such a dangerous life? What kind of father teaches their son to always keep a weapon at ready?

On the screen, the brothers´ conversation is interrupted by Dean´s phone ringing. Dean answers the phone and the man on the other end of the line identifies himself as Jerry a man that John and Dean had previously helped with a poltergeist. John isn’t ashamed to admit that he doesn’t remember the man until the guy gives more detail but Dean only gets confused a second before clear recognition hits his face. Jerry tells Dean that he needs to talk to him about a case, so the brothers pack up their things and head towards him.
As they arrive, Jerry directs them towards his office, while making small talk and Sam cant help but let out a mirthless chuckle as he hears the man saying his dad was proud of him, that doesn’t quite sit well with John, because he says
-What is so funny?- John asks his younger son
-Nothing its just, c´mon- Sam answers- “Your dad is proud of you”, we both know better- he scoffs
-I am proud of you- John tells him
-Well, you had a funny way of showing it- Sam says, tears pooling in his eyes- Besides, after what happened, I don’t think I deserve it. Dean is the son you should be proud of
-I admit that it was one of my worst moments, but my failures as a father doesn’t mean that I cant recognize your achievements- John says with raw honesty, he will be damned if he messes this up again- I do think you made some questionable choices lately but it will be hypocrite of me to judge you for them, when I am even more at fault. I can and am proud of both of the men your brother and you become and it is one of my biggest regrets that it took until now for me to be able to tell you and that I wasn’t able to tell Dean before this happened- Sam looks at his father full on crying and John reaches out and gives him a one arm-hug, it last less than a minute but for a minute something heals inside them. (Upstairs, inside an archangel pile of hugs, something heals inside of Dean too)

The scene continues, with Jerry presenting the Winchesters with some evidence found at the site of a plane crash. The man plays an audio telling the hunters that he suspects something supernatural took the plane down. The brothers agree to investigate the issue. They theorize as to what could have being the cause of the crash before going to talk to the survivors. One of them, Max, is the first on the list as they found out that he committed himself to a mental hospital. Max seems reluctant to talk to them, but at the end, he confesses he saw one of the other passengers open up the emergency door, a man with black eyes. All color seems to left, John´s face as he hears that piece of information, of all the supernatural beings why did it have to be a demon?
The interrogation to the passenger´s widow doesn’t get them any leads, so they decide to go and check the parts of the wreckage (with fake Homeland security badges of course).
The brothers enter the hangar, where the pieces are and Dean takes out something from his pocket
-What is that?- “Sam” asks
-It´s an EMF meter. Reads electromagnetic frequencies- Dean answers
-Yeah, I know what an EMF meter is. But why does that one looks like a busted up Walkman?
-Because that is what I made off. It is homemade- Dean tells him with pride in his voice. Pride that quickly disappears with “Sam´s” next words
-Yeah, I can see that- “Sam” scoffs as he walks away, missing the hurt in Dean´s face before his brother manages to school his features. The Sam watching feels like the biggest asshole on the planet, seriously why did he have to be such a condescending asshole all the time?

The boys continue to investigate and John cant help but feel proud as Dean´s EMF meter proves to be functional. Dean discovers an strange substance in one of the pieces of the plane and “Sam” takes some to investigate later. It seems their evidence is found on time because a second later the brothers hear footsteps approaching and they have to make a run off it.
They take the residue back to Jerry who tells them it appears to be sulfur. Dean and “Sam” rightfully assume that as improbable as it seems they appear to be dealing with a demonic possession. They go back to their motel room to do some research, finding little to no evidence to back them down. Nervousness starts to fill the room the more the brothers search, with Dean proclaiming that demons aren’t their normal gig, both brothers wishing their father was there, though John doesn’t think he would have been of much help, right now the only thing he can think off that he probably would have done is removing his sons of the case and probably passing it down to someone else (read: Bobby).

The tension is the room is cut by Dean´s phone ringing, with Jerry informing Dean that the pilot, the one that survive the initial crash, had just being in another plane crash, this one proving fatal. The brothers go investigate the scene, finding sulfur once more on the place of the crash. They regroup with Jerry once more, finding that the connection of both crashes was that they went down exactly 40 minutes after taking off, with Dean aptly commenting about the Biblical numerology behind said number. With that clue, “Sam” is able to find records of another six plane crashes matching their search parameters, leaving them to conclude the demon is going after the survivors, with the flight attendant, Amanda, being the next on the list.
Dean manages to get them both at the airport in record time with 30 minutes to spare. John can’t help but be impressed at Dean´s quick thinking first by calling Amanda and then by him going with the flow trying to get her off the plane. Sadly, the plan doesn’t work, and the boys are left scrambling for a plan B
-For the love of everything that is holy, please tell me you two didn’t board a plane that was set to crash- John asks his younger son, clutching his arm seat, with Sam´s only answer being a sheepish smile

On the screen, “Sam” tries to convince Dean to board the plane:
-Dean, the plane is leaving with over a 100 passengers on board and if we are right that plane is going to crash- “Sam” says- So we got in the plane, find the demon an exorcise him, alright? Are you okay? What´s wrong? - “Sam” asks seeing his brother nervousness
-No, not really- Dean answers twitching, anxiety filling the room- Well, I kind of have a problem with, hmm…
-Flying? - “Sam” asks
-It’s never really been an issue until now
-You are joking, right?
-Of course I am not joking. Why do you think I drive everywhere, Sam? - Dean asks, taking short breaths between words.
-All right, I will do it myself
-What? Are you nuts???- Dean exclaims, the anxiety of the room making John and Sam tremble in their spots- You say it yourself the plane is going to crash
- We can do it together; I can do it myself. There is no third option here- “Sam” calmly says, before the scene cuts to black. John gives his younger son a look hoping to convey what he thinks of his plan

The next scene starts with the brothers getting into the plane with just a few seconds to spare. They find their seats easily, but Sam cant help but notice everything he ignored the first time around, from where he is watching he can see Dean´s pale face and shaking form, and he feels like an asshole for being unable to come up with a different alternative that didn’t involve getting his brother inside a probably crashing plane.
The plane takes off and Dean starts to hums Metallica to calm himself down, and based on what his family is feeling, he is not succeeding. “Sam” manages to distract Dean as they theorize who the demon might be possessing, with them suspecting Amanda. Dean gets up to try an assessed the girl, shaky steps all the way.

Dean talks to the stewardess and determines she is not the one possessed. He goes back to “Sam” and manages to sit down before they hit turbulence. Dean grabs his seat so tightly that his knuckles go white, with “Sam” trying to calm him down. “Sam” finds an exorcise to defeat the demon, but Dean points out they have to find the being first. Dean gets his EMF meter, that points to the copilot of the flight, and John is going to have a heart attack because of course one of the persons responsible to pilot the plane is going to be the one possessed.
Dean decides to tell the truth to Amanda, with “Sam” reluctantly following and with only a few minutes, they manage to convince her of the truth and to call the copilot to the back of the plane.

What follows next is the stuff of John´s nightmares as the boys manage to subdue the demon and recite the first part of the exorcism before the plane plummets off the air. Sam is not fairing any better, and the nausea he is feeling from Dean is not helping matters. There is a strong pain in their backs, and that is all the warning they get as Dean is push into one of the walls, the young hunter trying to grab himself from any part of the plane before everything goes back to normal, and the scene cuts to the boys getting safely into the airport.

The scene cuts once more and this time it shows the boys getting thanked by Jerry for helping, they are about to leave before Dean asks the man
-Hey, Jerry? I have been meaning to ask you, how did you get my number? - Dean asks
-I got it from your father- the man says
-You talked to him? - “Sam” asks
-Well, no, I called his cellphone and got his message saying to call you in case of emergency- Jerry answers- Anyways, thanks guys- he says before the scene cuts to black

And doesn’t that feels like one more punch in the gut for John? He doesn’t need to feel the hurt of Dean to know how much he had screwed up. “If you need any help, call Dean” what was he even thinking? Furthermore, what if the one needing help was his son? Was he supposed to call himself? No, John thinks, he didn’t once think of Dean or Sam when he decided to go off the grind, foolishly thinking his sons wouldn’t need him and perhaps he was correct, his sons didn’t need him, they had long ago learned that his father was never going to be there for them.

The screen lights up once again with “Sam” waking up from a nightmare as the brothers start their next case: a man killed inside his bathroom in a freak accident. Their first stop is at the coroner´s office to check the body, however they encounter some difficulties when the technician refuses to let them see the body, until “Sam” bribes him with Dean´s money. Anxiety starts to creep inside the Winchesters as Dean scoffs on the screen seeing the money his brother is offering and the Sam watching feels all blood leave his face for being so careless
-Dude, I earned that money- Dean says trying to get his brother to understand, “Sam” however doesn’t care, and walks off following the technician
And well, isn’t that great?, Sam thinks, I am once more spending my brother´s money without thinking about how he gained it, and invalidating his concerns about our finances without contributing a cent
John tries to remain calm in his seat, he is sure Dean wouldn’t risk offering his services at this time, right?

The scene continues as the tech tell them that the man´s eyes liquefied. They discussed some possible causes, none of them sounding convincing to the hunters, so they decide to head over the victim´s house to talk to his daughter. While talking to her, her little sister tells them is her fault, because she said the Bloody Mary curse three times in a mirror, before her dad died.
John wants to scold the little kid for being so dumb, kid should have known better, and then again Dean shows why he is a better hunter and human being all together by comforting the girl and reassuring her it wasn’t her fault as her father never even utter the words.
The brothers search the house for any evidence, discussing the possibility of the legend being truth, getting caught by one of the sister´s friend, and managing to get away from her. They go to the library to investigate more about the town´s lore, with little success.

The scenery changes this time showing Dean watching over a sleeping “Sam” inside their motel room, books scattered all over. The Winchesters feel a wave of resentment, as Dean watches the prone figure of his brother, before it is quickly stomp out. “Sam” makes some movement in his sleep and Dean is suddenly fill with shame tinted with love and devotion towards his brother, he approaches the bed, sitting beside “Sam”, before tucking him in and saying
-Don’t worry, Sammy- Dean says- I will always protect you- he proclaims with a sad smile before taking his jacket and exiting the motel room, empty wallet left behind.
The scene shifts abruptly this time showing Dean outside a bar, getting manhandled by an older man, as the young hunter drops to his knees in front of him.
The scene speeds forwards a couple hours later, with Dean dragging himself to the room, barely stopping to leave a wad of cash in the table, that is clearly not from a single man, before directing himself to the bathroom and shutting the door behind him as the scene cuts to black

Sam manages to grab the trash can, before he loses his stomach. He cant believe what he is seeing. He thought that as he had reunited with his brother, Dean would have stopped turning tricks after all, he never once suspected a thing, but now, he cant help but realized what a fool he had been. Once again, he never once questioned how Dean obtained must of the cash he got, hell, he never once tried to help him pay for their lives on the road. A few tears fall from his eyes when he remembered how quickly Dean felt ashamed for his resentment towards him, his brother shouldn’t feel ashamed, his brother should be resentful, Dean has every right to hate him and yet, his brother never did, and how did Sam repaid him? Taking him for granted

John feels a couple of stray tears running through his face as he watches another man abuse his son. What exactly can he say that can make anything better? He failed his son a big way, and this is just another example of it. While he was hiding from his sons, playing house with Kate, his sons where on a wild goose hunt trying to find him, while he was taking Adam to school, Dean and Sam where taking cases that could have killed them, while he was sleeping in a warm bed, his oldest was offering his services to provide for Sam. He messed up and there is nothing he can do about it.

The scene continues after the Winchesters manage to regain some composure, with “Sam” waking up from a nightmare with Dean sitting beside him with books surrounding him. Dean tells his brother that he couldn’t find any lore that could explain what happened to the victims, the hunters theorize some more, before a call about another victim interrupts them.
The brothers go to meet with the friend they had interrogated before, where they explained her what they think is happening and asked for her help in investigating her friend´s death. They managed to sneak inside the house, finding evidence of a name on the back of the mirror. They do some more digging and they connect the name to a hit and run perpetrated by the girl a few years prior.
They access the Showmaker´s house and find the name of the victim´s late wife on the back of his mirror, the daughter tells them her mom overdosed before she quicks them out of her house.

Back at their motel room, Dean conducts a nationwide search trying to find the motive for the murders, with “Sam” theorizing that perhaps the spirit is punishing people with secrets related to the death of others. Dean manages to find information of the unsolved murder of Mary Worthington, who was found dead in front of a mirror with her eyes cut out.
The brothers travel to talk to the lead detective of the case. The detective shows them a report of the case, and tells them about the prime suspect of the case. He also tells them Mary was cremated and the mirror has been long returned to her family. They drive back to Toledo, with “Sam” calling the woman´s family to inquire about the mirror, only to find out it had been sold to an antique shop a few days’ prior the first death, with Dean theorizing that Mary´s spirit got caught up in the mirror as she died in front of it. Their musings get interrupted when they receive a call from the girl from earlier, Charlie.

Dean and “Sam” arrived at Charlie´s house, with the girl telling them that her friend said the words and now the ghost is tailing her. The boys cover all the mirrors inside her room to prevent Mary from killing her. Dean speaks softly to the girl, and asks her for her secret
-I had this boyfriend, and I really loved him, but he really scared me, you know?- Charlie says and Dean subtly nods his head as in telling her that he understands, and the Winchesters´ heart breaks a little remembering Lee, they both know exactly how Dean can relate and they feel terrible for it- We were at his house- the girl continues- and we got into this fight and I broke up with him and he said that he would kill himself if I left him. And then he did- the girl says before breaking into tears of guilt, with Dean reaching out for the girl and pulling her into a hug.

The scene shifts, with both brothers inside the Impala, as he drives, Dean says:
-You know that her boyfriend dying is not really Charlie´s fault, right?- the hunter says
-You know as well as I do that spirits don’t see shades of grey?- and wow did he actually say it so callously? Sam thinks after hearing himself- Charlie had a secret and someone died. That is good enough for Mary-“Sam” continues talking telling Dean that perhaps smashing the mirror wont be enough and that they need to summon Mary before so that they are sure it works
-And who is going to summon her?- Dean asks sarcastically, clutching the wheel tightly, and hey at least his oldest didn’t offer himself, right?
-It is going to be me. She will come after me- and screw it, after this is done John is going to have a serious conversation with his sons about being bait (and yes, he can totally see the irony in that statement)
-All right, you know what, that is it- Dean says, anger on his tone as he parks the car on the side of the road- This is about Jessica, isn’t it? You think this is your little dirty secret that you killed her somehow?- he asks his brother- Sam, this thing got to stop, the nightmares, the calling of her name in the middle of the night, it is going to kill you- Dean tells him worryingly- Now listen to me. It wasn’t you fault, you want to blame someone blame the thing that kill her. Hell, why don’t you take a swing at me, I dragged you away from her- Dean exclaims, and it hurts something deeply to the Sam watching to see his brother prepare himself from the hit that thankfully doesn’t come
-I don’t blame you- and at least that is true- I could have warned her- “Sam” says- I haven’t told you everything- “Sam” confesses
-What are you talking about?- Dean asks confused and hurt by his brother´s words
-Well, it wouldn’t really be a secret if I told you, right?- “Sam” asks
-No- Dean says fiercely- I don’t like it. It isn’t going to happen- he says protectively
-Dean if we don’t do it, that girl is going to die- “Sam” tells him, but seeing that that isn’t enough he pushes some by saying- And who knows how many more people- with that last sentence, Dean´s stance crumbles.

The brothers arrive at the antique shop where the mirror is and Dean´s nervousness is palpable at the room, John is not doing better by watching his sons in a shop full of mirrors. “Sam” manages to find the mirror and he chants the cursed sentence three times, a few seconds before police arrives at the place. Dean goes outside to distract the officers, coming up with a half decent excuse, his heart not at all in it, as the worry about his brother increases, before deciding to knock the officers down and returning to the store

Dean enters the store with caution and hears the ghost taunting his brother, there is disbelief as he hears the reflection telling “Sam” that he got Jessica killed, but Dean doesn’t stop to hear more and breaks the mirror before something more happens. There is worry and protectiveness filling him as he kneels down besides his brother, horrified at seeing the blood tracks coming from “Sam” eyes. Dean grabs “Sam” of the floor and they direct themselves towards the exit, before they hear some noise and turn around only to find May´s ghost exiting the broken mirror.
Sudden pain exploits behind John and Sam´s eyes as they watch the scene of the ghostly figure attacking Dean and “Sam”, the pressure is enormous and debilitating, which is more reason to be shocked as Dean powers trough and manages to gran another mirror, making the girl see her reflection and destroying the ghost, before the scene cuts once more.

The scene changes to the next morning with Charlie thanking the brothers for helping her and “Sam” telling Charlie it wasn’t her fault
-That is good advice- Dean says, before driving off- Hey, Sam, know that this is all over? I wanna know what that secret is about.
-I am your brother and I would die for you- “Sam” says- but there are some things I will keep for myself- he says, as the scene cuts to black.

And Sam, well, Sam feels like an asshole. He kept secrets from his brother, things that he should have been honest about, things that could have been detrimental to the YED search. He also feels his stomach drop at felling the worry coming from Dean. He had made his brother anxious, he had confused his brother´s protectiveness with nagging, and he had hurt his brother, once more, in the process.

Chapter Text

As the memories keep flowing on the screen, John cant help but marvel at how blind he had been about his oldest son´s life and struggles. He never once cared how his sons where getting by without him, he never cared if they had enough money or if they had enough to eat. He always congratulated himself for a job well done, because clearly he must have done something right for his sons to turn down as they did. He truly was a fool, and now he risks losing everything.

The screen turns on once more, this time showing Dean and “Sam” inside the Impala, “Sam” clearly distracted as he is going through his phone; which prompts Dean to question him:
-I have been listening- “Sam” clearly annoyed- I am just busy. Reading emails from my friends at Stanford.
-You’re kidding- Dean says, baffled- You still keep in touch with your college buddies?
-Why not?- “Sam” questions
-Well, what exactly do you tell them?- Dean questions- You know, about where you have been, what you have been doing?
-I tell them I’m on a road trip with my big brother. I tell them I needed some time off after Jess.
-Oh, so you lie to them- Dean claims, disapproval in his voice
-No. I just don’t tell them everything- “Sam” rebuts- And what am I supposed to do, just cut everybody out of my life?- the last sentence makes Dean shrugs, and to the untrained eye, he would look unbothered, maybe the same would have happened to his family have they not been able to feel the internal struggle inside Dean
-You’re serious?- “Sam” exclaims angrily
-Look, it sucks, but in a job like this, you can’t get close to people, period- Dean tells him, and it drives a knife to John´s gut hearing his son parroting a phrase he had said to him a million times
-You’re kind of anti-social, you know that?- “Sam” asks and this time there is no denying the hurt

“Sam” continues to read his e-mails ignoring his brother, before discovering something
-This girl, Rebeca- he tells Dean- I went to school with her, and her brother, Zack. She says Zack’s been charged with murder. He’s been arrested for killing his girlfriend. Rebecca says he didn’t do it, but it sounds like the cops have a pretty good case.
-Dude, what kind of people are you hanging out with?- Dean asks bewildered
-No, man, I know Zack. He’s no killer- “Sam° claims- They’re in St. Louis. We’re going- he states and the Sam watching cant help but flinch at the callous tone he gives his brother
-Look, sorry about your buddy, okay?- Dean says taken aback by the request-But this does not sound like our kind of problem.
-It is our problem. They’re my friends.
-St. Louis is four hundred miles behind us, Sam- Dean says maintaining eye contact with his brother for less than a minute before lowering his eyes and starting the drive to St. Louis.

Sam cant help but feel terrible at the interaction, once more, Dean is doing what Sam has demanded with minimal complaining, regardless of his feelings in the matter, and yeah it turned out to be a case, but what if it hadn’t and his friend had been a murder? Weren´t Dean´s claims valid enough to guarantee at the very least a lengthier discussion? Sam is also not a fan of the tone he spoke to his brother or the callous words he threw around, especially when the only thing was trying to do was giving him advise. Sam is coming to the conclusion he treated Dean horribly and now he can only live with the consequences
John sees the scene almost numb in his seat. He knows he is the reason why his sons were never able to get close to anyone, in Dean case even more so. He isolated his sons trying to prevent them from getting hurt the way that he, himself, had been, he rationalized it by thinking that this way nobody could hurt his kids, but the only thing he accomplished was pushing Sam away from him and making Dean unable to try and ask for help in his darkest times. He failed them as a father and the scenes on the screen do nothing but show him to him.

The scene cuts to the brothers arriving at Becky´s house, with “Sam” offering his and Dean help to the girl. “Sam” questions his friend for information, and she reveals that the security camera showed her brother entering his apartment at 10:30 and supposedly killing his girlfriend right after, however her brother was with her the whole time so he couldn’t have done it, “Sam” asks to see the crime scene and lies about it being okay as Dean is a cop. Becky quickly agrees, and goes to fetch the keys, while she is gone, Dean tells “Sam”
-I still don’t think this is our kind of problem- Dean says
-Two places at one- “Sam” asks him- We had looked into for less- To which Dean secretly agrees.

The brothers and Becky arrive at Zack´s house, trying to find evidence in the crime scene. While they are looking around, Dean notices a dog barking at the window, which Becky explains as an oddity, because the dog was known to be sweet, with Dean finally accepting to look into the case by checking the security footage.
The video shows who appears to be Zach entering the house, however the moment the camera catches his face, his eyes seem to flash, which makes the boys wonders about what could the monster possible be.

The next morning, “Sam” guides them towards the house, wondering why they didn’t see the creature exit the house, with “Sam” finding traces of blood around the scene, as they investigate an ambulance passes by them and they followed it to investigate, only to come across another crime scene. Asking around they find a man has apparently beat his wife, completely out of nowhere. Dean starts investigating more, and both Winchesters watching are amazed by Dean´s facility to get information, it makes John wonder how his eldest could have flourished if he hadn’t isolate him from everyone.
-Dude, what a psycho- Dean says as he approaches the patrolman guarding the scene- He seemed like such a nice guy, but attacking his wife like that, man, you never truly know your neighbors, am I right?- Dean tells the guy with a concern expression.
-Aint that the truth?- the policeman responds
-And what? Did he taught he could come up with an excuse or something?- Dean asks with the right amount of sarcasm to get the man talking
-Get this, apparently, he was on “driving home”- the man says- when his wife was attacked. And then when he arrived he saw himself in the house- the cop scoffs
-Honestly, the nerve on some people- Dean responds shaking his head, before going back to pass the information to “Sam”

The brothers theorize what could have possibly caused the attacks, getting the conclusion that it was most likely a shapeshifter, masking themselves as the victims´ significant others. “Sam” follows a trail that stops abruptly, but Dean points out that the creature could have easily have gone down the sewers. “Sam” and Dean climb down to the sewers, with Dean finding what appeared to be human goo and skin; and for a moment there is a nauseous feeling going through the room that the Winchesters watching are not quite sure is Dean or theirs at the sight.
The brothers get out of the sewers and Dean tells “Sam” that the best way to defeat the creature is by putting a silver bullet through their heart. “Sam” receives a phone call from his friend, in which he tells him, she knows they lied to her and wants nothing more to do with them. Dean tries to comfort “Sam” but his attempts fall flat

They decide to go down the sewers once more, this time armed, and they manage to find the shapeshifter´s lair. All of the sudden pain explodes in the Winchesters´ left arm as Dean is hit by the shapeshifter, and if the arm isn’t dislocated by the sheer force of the hit, John will eat his boot. The brothers try to chase the creature to no avail, so they decide to split up to look for it. Dean runs into an abandoned alley and suddenly a strong pain erupts once more, this time at the back of the Winchesters´ necks as the screen cuts to black

The screen lights up once more, and this time it shows Dean inside the sewers tied to a metal beam, the pain is excruciating, almost like a hammer to the head and Dean losses conscience once more. He drifts in and out of conscience, until he is finally awoken by a noise, that turns out to be “Sam” equally tied to another metal beam. Both brothers try to free themselves with various degrees of success, as “Sam” explains to Dean that the shapeshifter was becoming him, almost as if he was downloading his memories. Dean manages to free himself and then frees “Sam”, before calling the police hoping to save Becky, which they do, at the cost of Dean now being wanted by the police
The brothers go in search of the Impala and their weapons only to be caught by the police, and “Sam” tells Dean to run and hide, making Dean promise to not go to the sewers alone, promise that Dean promptly breaks.

Dean climbs down the sewers once more, looking for the shapeshifter, finding Becky instead, who tells him that she saw the thing turn into herself before they went away.
Anxiety and protectiveness fill the room as Dean hurries to Becky´s house to save “Sam”, arriving just in time to save him and shooting the creature in the heart, and the scene cuts to black

The most shocking part out of everything to John is the ease in which Dean shoot the creature that was wearing his skin; but then again, considering where they are, perhaps is not shocking at all. As the cases keep piling up, John keeps realizing how close he was to losing his sons, how he put them in danger, but also he realizes that Dean has been tethering the ledge long before he actually took the jump, and he still doesn’t know how to process that information

Sam, on the other hand, is reliving some of the things that weren’t seen on the screen as Dean hadn’t been physically present. He remembers clear at day the words the shapeshifter threw at him, and he chastises himself for never addressing them with his brother. He remembers the creature telling him that Dean was afraid to be left alone, like he had been left alone before, but of course he just brushed it off like it meant nothing, like Dean meant nothing, and now, well now, there is nothing he can do other than dwell on regret,

The screen lights up once more, this time showing the brothers sitting outside a coffee place, with “Sam” trying and failing to find their father, Dean tells him not to worry about him, even if the anxiety that fells the room for a moment makes the sentence fall flat, and John can’t help but feel like the biggest asshole in the planet once more for making his kids worry. Dean tells “Sam” about a case he found where apparently an invisible entity attacked someone so they decided to check it out

The boys arrive at the frat house where the victim lived. There they interview one of the guys, who tells him the victim was attacked while he was on a date, with the preacher´s daughter Lori as well as where they could find her.
Dean and “Sam” drive to the church, entering while the priest is giving his sermon, so they decide to sit at the back. “Sam” elbows Dean to pay his respects, but the Sam on the room can feel the unease that Dean feels at being inside a church. It is still strange to Sam that a place that brought so much comfort to him as a child is the same place that makes his brother feel distressed. John from his seat wonders the same thing, but then again perhaps is an answer he will never get.

Both hunters approach Lori, outside of the church, introducing themselves as new students, and Dean lets “Sam” takes the lead with Lori, with him distracting her father asking him about youth groups. And then there is that feeling again, but this time Sam recognizes what it is and shame fills him, as he finally understands that the thing that Dean feels inside the church is being inadequate and impureness, Sam´s memory takes him back to the early memory of Dean on his knees asking for an answer of above inside Pastor Jim´s old church, and wonder how was he so blind.
John might never draw the same conclusion as Sam, but he draws a conclusion none the less, that is also completely true, remembering the same old memory. John used to send Dean inside the church as a punishment when they were at Jim´s place without a second thought, the cold and empty building that was supposed to bring comfort to his eldest, was to Dean the place where his father sent him when he wasn’t wanted around, and with that conclusion it is little to no wonder that Dean avoids them like the plague

The scene continues with Dean and “Sam” inside a library theorizing that the story that Lori told “Sam” reminisces the legend of the Hook man, so they proceed to run with said theory by investigating the arrest record of the town. On the records, they find that a few years back a preacher was arrested after killing 13 prostitutes one night with his silver hook, and the disgust that Dean feels at reading those words don’t take his family by surprise. The Winchesters decide to check the place where it happened, that coincides with the place the frat boy was killed. However, once they get there, they are swiftly found by the sheriff, who arrest “Sam” for carrying a shot gun.
Dean arrives at the precinct and goes to talk to the sheriff.
-Good evening, officer- Dean says, with a pleasant tone
-I don’t want to hear it, son- the sheriff said
-Please, I can explain- Dean claims, and the sheriff makes a sign to go ahead- The truth is that… I was taking him to make a pledge and I know it was dumb to take him to the place of a crime scene but c´mon it was just a stupid prank
-And the shotguns? - the officer asks
-Did you check them? - Dean asks- They were full of rock salt, they were for the ghosts and things like that- Dean tells him nonchalantly and Sam and John are amazed with the ease that Dean says the words- C´mon are you really going to have him arrest for a dumb prank? - Dean says in an innocent voice
-Alright, you win- the guy says- I will release him in the morning, but I´d better not found you doing anything stupid- he threatens
-Cross my heart, officer- Dean says as the scene cuts

The next morning, “Sam” is released, but as Dean is recounting how he got his brother out with only a small fine, the brothers see the police officers hurrying out of the building, so they hurry and follow them, arriving at the sorority house where Lori lives, managing to sneak inside without anyone noticing them. The crime scene seems to be completely in par with the legend, writing in the wall included, however Dean notices a symbol at the bottom that they connect with the symbol on the dead preacher´s hook. The hunters, however, hit a wall, when they found the man was buried on an unmark grave, making the situation difficult, but Dean theorizes that the thing the victims have in common is the girl, Lori

They found another set of murders that might be related, theorizing that perhaps the thing behind the murders is a poltergeist latching to the believes of Lori´s dad, and they decide to split with “Sam” going to see Lori and Dean trying to find the unmark grave. Luckily, Dean manages to find the grave of the preacher and starts to dig to put the spirit to rest. Unfortunately, the next day Dean finds “Sam” at the hospital with Lori, after her father was attacked by the Hook Man, with the boys now believing the spirit is drawing his power from his hook instead of his bones and it is connected with Lori. As they investigate some more, they find that the hook was donated to the church and then it was all melted down in different objects.

The boys sneak inside the house in order to burn all the silver objects down, only to get interrupted by Lori, who is praying inside the church, with “Sam” distracting the girl and Dean hurrying to burn all the silver items they collected. However, they appeared to have missed something as Dean hears a commotion and arrives just in time to shoot the Hook Man with rock salt before he attacks “Sam” and Lori. The brothers theorize what they could have missed only for “Sam” to realize that Lori´s chain is a silver cross. Dean hurries over to burn the cross, managing to put the ghost to rest, and the screen cuts to black once more.

All in all, Sam thinks it wasn’t their worst case, however he knows that the worst is yet to come.

Chapter Text

When his sons were younger, John used to have all these ideas of how his kids would turn out, he had fears and expectations, just like any father did, and yes most fathers didn’t have a clue about the supernatural, but the sentiment was the same, however as time kept passing those expectations turned into demands, and his words turned poisonous inside their minds, specially in Dean´s. He wonders where that hopeful and protective father had gone because he sure as hell didn’t know.

The screen lights up again and this time it starts with Dean inside a run-down bar and Sam wants to scream, he doesn’t think he can take another memory of his brother getting money on his knees, however the scene doesn’t play like that, for once Dean is only playing pool to get some quick bucks, of course Dean´s hips sway a little bit too much with the music, for Sam to know that his brother is distracting the other player but at least there is no abuse for once. That is until, Dean gets out of the bar, holding his money triumphantly only for his younger self to berate him for how he is getting cash. And really the quicker here, is that for more that Sam used to complain that they could hold odd jobs, he never really took the initiative to search for one, did he? No, of course not, big brother Dean was always there to support both of them and who cares what he sacrifices for it, right?

The scene progresses as “Sam” tells Dean he found a case of a worker who supposedly die of Mad Cow Disease, however the strange part was that the victim´s brain disintegrate in an hour, which led “Sam” to believe that it must be their kind of case and Dean agrees. The brothers arrive at Oklahoma to talk to the victim’s coworker, who was the last to see the guy alive. The coworker tells them that he seemed fine right before his death, and that he had found him inside a hole with blood pouring out of his eyes and nose, so they decide to investigate the place where he died and then proceed to give John a heart attack when they decide to get inside the hole where the victim was supposedly attack. At this point it shouldn’t surprise John, after all, they learned it from him. “Sam” gets inside the hole and discovers a few dead beetles, with not much else to go by, which led him to theorize that perhaps the insects have something to do with it, with Dean not entirely convinced. They decide to investigate the neighborhood by going to an open house party the owners of the land were throwing, Dean remarks that he would have never been able to live in a place like that, but there a taste of longing and jealousy in the air, that makes the Winchesters watching sick to their stomachs, Dean never really stood a chance, didn’t he?

The brothers knock on the door, pretending to be interested in one of the houses and they are welcome warmly by the developer of the houses, Larry. Dean goes with him to question him more, but as they are walking they encounter a few jars with bugs, which the man tells Dean are from his sons, the smile Dean had before those words turn faker as the man complains about his son interests, and with every second that passes John feels the injury get deeper, there are no guesses with who Dean is comparing it to, which is even more surprising with what happens next:
-He reminds you of someone?- “Sam” asks- Dad?- he says, taking in Dean´s “bewilder” expression
-Dad never treat us like that- Dean defends, and to anyone that cannot feel it, it might even come as sincere, but the Winchesters know better.
-You, maybe- “Sam” scoffs- You were perfect, but he was all over my case- he says, and this time there is no mistaking the flinch Dean gives to that, before Dean stirs the conversation away from the topic.

Dean tells “Sam” he found out about another bug related death while talking to Larry, with both hunters trying to find a connection that could be causing the deaths. Dean theorize that perhaps it is something or someone controlling the animals, with their prime suspect been Matt, Larry´s son. Since they kind find any other clue, the brothers decide to squander for the night.
Next morning rolls around with another death, this time the realtor that they had met at the barbeque. The brothers break into the crime scene, finding dead spiders, which led them to believe that Matt might have something to do with it.

The brothers follow the boy as he gets off the school bus and find him in the forest surrounding the land, gathering new insects. They strike a conversation, with Matt catching on that the brothers think he did something wrong, however he defends himself and tells them that there is something going on with the insects, leading the boys to a clearing. On the way “Sam” sympathize with Matt and tells him that he can escape his family as soon as he is eighteen. The “Sam” in the scene is too entitle to realize, but the Sam watching feels the hurt his brother gets at hearing those callous words and then he spares a look towards his dad and flinches too at seeing the pain in his eyes.

On the screen, Matt shows them his findings of a congregation of insects, with Dean finding human skulls underneath the bugs. The boys head towards a local university to get more information, and at arrival, Dean confronts “Sam”, and somehow with every word, Sam feels smaller
-How could you tell the kid back there to just ditch his family?- Dean says with his words barely containing his hurt
-Just, I can relate to him- “Sam” callously says- Besides, this isn’t about him, this is about dad, and you thinking I didn’t respect him
-You know what?- Dean says- It doesn’t matter, I am sorry I brought it up- he whispers
-I respected him- “Sam” says- But no matter what I did, it was never good enough. Most parents are proud when their kids go to college, they don’t throw them out of the house- and just as Sam´s shame seems to grow, so does John´s guilt
-I remember that fight- Dean says- I seem to recall a few choice phrases coming out of your mouth- he exclaims
-The truth is that when we find dad, I am not sure he will want to see me. “Sam” exclaims
-Sam, dad was never disappointed in you- like he was on me, Dean doesn’t say and somehow his family still hears it- He was scared of what could have happened to you, but even when he wasn’t around, he used to swing by Stanford, making sure you were alright- Dean tells him with a melancholic voice and a sad smile, before saying- C´mon we are late for the appointment

Inside the room, Sam feels terrible knowing he had hurt his brother while trying to justify himself. He knows now all the things his brother sacrifice for him, only for he to basically tell him that he couldn’t wait to get away from their family. The sentiment is true though, he did felt alienated when he went to college, but he took his anger out on his brother and for that he can’t forgive himself.
John feels guilty at hearing both of his sons, what is worse is that every word Dean used to defend him feels like a knife to his already fragile heart, he doesn’t deserve his eldest defense, he knows he screwed up royally, somehow making both of his sons feeling like he was disappointed in them, one for going away and the other for staying, is it any wonder that they are here now?

The scene resumes with the boys talking to a professor, who tells them that the tribe that used to live in the area was forcefully relocated to a place nearby, so they decide to check it out. At arrival, they are directed to the eldest of the tribe, with “Sam” telling the man about the deaths that occurred and the bones they found. The man tells them that oral tradition passed from generation to generation states that after the American cavalry arrived to relocated them, they murdered and raped the people living in the tribe, and as the sixth night the chief village cursed the land so no white man would ever habitat said land and that any person living there would die as nature will rise to protect it. The boys thank the man and quickly realize that that night is the sixth night since the first death, which mean that Larry and his family are in danger, so they hurry up to save them

Dean calls Larry trying to get him out of the house, but the man hangs up on him. “Sam” decides to call Matt and tells him that they have to get out of the house immediately or something bad will happen, Matt tells him that he won’t be able to convince his dad in time so “Sam” asks him to tell his dad the truth, Dean gets exasperated at his brother and takes the phone telling Matt to pretend a medical emergency instead as they hurry to get to the house.

Upon arrival, they find that Matt choose to tell his dad the truth, forgoing Dean´s advice. Larry comes out of his house to yell at the brothers for putting ideas inside his son´s mind, with “Sam” and Dean trying to reason with him, but it is too late, suddenly they start to hear buzzing around them and the electric lamp goes crazy as more bugs crash against it. They try to escape but the bugs start swarming the house so they decide to get inside to try and wait it out. John feels his heart stop at seeing his boys inside the curse land, not sure how they will be able to get out of this one alive.

Dean and “Sam” get into action blocking the doors and windows as the bugs start to surround the house. Dean thinks quickly and gets bug spray before the insects enter the house. He tries to deter them using the spray and his lighter, herding everyone inside the attic. For a moment they think they had outrun them only for the celling to give up as thermites eat the wood, letting the bugs inside. Dean tries to deter the bugs but it is not use, and Sam and John can feel the little bug bites littering their bodies as Dean is bitten and stung.

The family, “Sam” and Dean huddle together to try and protect themselves and for a minute all hope is lost before the first ray of sunshine fills the house and the bugs leave, ending the scene.
A few hours later, the brothers arrive to Larry´s house to find them in the process of moving out. Larry tells them that as long as he is alive no one is living in that land. The boys say their goodbyes and “Sam” tells Dean that he wants to apologize to their dad, before they get into the Impala and hit the road, as the scene ends.

An apology that he should have given Dean, Sam thinks as he takes in everything that happened. An apology he never said and now he doesn’t know if he will have the chance to.
John cant believe that his sons got out alive of the house if only by luck. Because for more that Dean told Sam that he was always watching over them, he is man enough to admit that it isn’t true, cases like that show him more and more how he failed his sons, and he doesn’t know if he will get the chance to even try to make it right

Chapter Text

Sometimes, back when his sons were young, John used to fantasy on the What if´s? What if Mary hadn’t die? What if their house hadn’t burned down? What if his kids had grown up in a normal safe environment? Would Mary and him still be together? Would he still have had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol? Would Adam still exist? Would Sam had still loved school? Would he had still gone to law school at Stanford or would he have chosen a different path? Somehow the what if´s that kept him up at night weren’t these, the ones that prevented him from sleeping were the ones regarding his oldest. Would Dean had gone to college? Would he have been a scholar or a jock? Would he have been more social or have few trusted friends? John´s mind was full of what if´s, but perhaps if he had paid more attention to the reality, none of this would have happened.

The screen lights up once more, and Sam almost chokes recognizing which case their past selves are heading, would it have been too much to ask that they skipped this one? Back then, Sam hadn’t given any thought to his brother´s inner struggles, hadn’t really care to figure why Dean was so adamant to return to their childhood home, and yes, they have saved the day at the end, but Sam didn’t want to uncover the hurt he had put his brother trough.

The scene doesn’t stop though, and it shows Dean trying to find a new case, while “Sam” all but ignores him, drawing something in a note pad. Dean questions his brother, until “Sam” tells him that they need to go back to their childhood home, “Sam” shows his brother and old photo and suddenly sadness and nostalgia fill the room as Dean looks at it. “Sam” keeps talking on the background of the screen, but to Dean (and therefore the viewers) it sounds like miles away, until one sentence catches Dean attention and he snaps back of the trance he was in
-This is going to sound crazy, but the people who live in the house, I think they might be in danger.
-Why do you think that?- Dean asks confuse and nervous
-You gotta trust me on this okay?- “Sam” says ignoring Dean completely
-Trust you? Yeah, I think that I will need a little more than that- Dean says pissed off, but the nervousness is still there- I am not going anywhere until you explain
-I have these nightmares- “Sam” confesses- and sometimes they come true- he tells Dean and Dean´s face goes pale as “Sam” continues- I dreamt about Jessica´s death for days before it happened
-Sam- Dean says sitting down- People dream terrible thing all the time- he says but his voice is shaking
-I dreamt about the blood, about the ceiling, the fire, and now I am dreaming about some woman screaming for help, and that has to mean something- “Sam” says, Dean losing color the more he talks, and John wants to reach out inside the screen and hug his oldest, as he watches the lost look on his face
-I don’t know- Dean says looking lost, the world coming out slightly slurred
-What do you mean you don’t know?- “Sam” screams- This might be the thing that killed mom
-All right. Just slow down, would you?- Dean says, shaking slightly as he buries his nails inside his thighs, a movement only perceptible by the sting the Winchesters get. Dean stands up, and Sam cant honestly keep track of his brother´s feelings, before he exclaims- First you tell me, you got the Shining and then you tell me that I have to get back home. Especially when…
-When what?- “Sam” says
-When I swear myself that I would never go back there- Dean says, tone vulnerable and soft.
-Look, Dean, we have to check this out, just to be sure- “Sam” exclaims, and the mask goes up once more on Dean´s face as he nods and the scene ends.

And Sam wants to rage and shout and his past self for this, this alone is one crime he could never forgive himself, for once in his life Dean was letting the mask slip, his brother was as close as begging for him not to make him go, to the place where his life had burned overnight, and Sam refused him. The walls his brother put had quickly gone up, because Sam hadn’t care to find out what was wrong, he hadn’t care beyond some callous words, because he always had to be right, doesn’t he?
John takes a deep breath knowing what case his sons are working, and it would be a lie if he told himself that he wasn’t close to tears just by the opening. Before this “experience” he was too busy playing the victim to think what his sons had lost, but now, seeing the devastation on Dean´s face he had a clue of what was to come. He also remembered a particular voicemail that he hoped wouldn’t be shown (as if the Trickster would let him get away with it)

The scene progresses and this time it shows the brothers pulling over outside of the house, Dean´s house visibly shaking. They knock on the door, which is answer by the new tenant named Jenny. “Sam” introduces both of them with their real names, and the woman lets them in, telling them she found old pictures of them while cleaning the attic. The woman introduces the brothers to her kids and Dean tries to make small talk to fish for information but his attempts fall flat, with “Sam” having to take the lead. The awkwardness and discomfort Dean is feeling is felt by his family like invisible ants crawling inside their skins, and both of them wonder how Dean was able to stood there long enough without bolting.

Sari, Jenny´s daughter, tells the brothers that she saw a flaming figure and both brothers´ hearts almost stop. They make their excuses and rush out the door, with Dean almost tripping in his haste to get away, “Sam” hot on his heels, all but screaming at his brother his theories about how it might be the thing that killed their mom, with Dean rationalizing that they cant take the people out of the house without investigating more. The brothers drive away to a gas station, with “Sam” asking Dean how much he remembered about that night
-Not much- Dean says and somehow it tastes like a lie- I remember the fire. The heat. Then I carried you out the front door- he admits
-You did?- “Sam” asks surprised, and the Sam in the room feels a pang of hurt just thinking about it.
-Yeah, why, you never knew that?- Dean asks, with “Sam” shaking his head quietly, before Dean continues- And well, you know Dad´s story as much as I do, he found Mom- Dean says, before losing his voice for a couple of seconds and then continuing, with every word almost getting dragged out of him- Whatever out her there was long gone by the time Dad found her
-And he never had a theory about what did it?- “Sam” asks, and Sam gives a side glance to his dad, who avoid his eyes, they both know the answer to that
-If he did- and this sounds sarcastic in Dean´s tone- he kept it to himself. God knows we asked him enough times.
-Okay- “Sam” says with a small voice- So we have to figure out what happened that night and see if it is the same thing- the younger says before adding- Does this feel like a normal case to you?
-I will be right back- Dean says ignoring the question- I gotta go to the bathroom

Dean walks towards the bathroom, but only once he is away from “Sam” does he lets himself lose composure, his fingers tremble as he pulls his phone out of the pocket, a couple of stray tears falling from his eyes, as he dials a known number, getting the voicemail once more
-Dad- Dean says, voice breaking- I know I have left you messages before. I don’t even know if you get them. But I am with Sam and we are in Lawrence and there is something in our old house. I don’t know if it’s the thing that killed mom or not…but… I don’t know what to do- Dean says before breaking down- So whatever you are doing, if you could get here. Please. I need your help, dad- Dean pleads, before he hangs up the phone, and yes maybe, John should have expected the punch to the face that Sam gives him

-He asked for your help- Sam says, once the flow of blood slowed down- He practically begged for it and you refused.
-Sammy, I…-John says trying to excuse the inexcusable
-No, dad- Sam furiously says- Don’t even try to explain. Dean, who never asked anything from you, asked for your help and you ignored him, just like you ignore him every single need or want he has. What possibly stupid reason would you give, that would excuse this, huh?- Sam asks screaming
-I did go- John confesses and Sam has half a mind to punch his father again- But by the time that I arrived you two had practically solved the case
-So what?- Sam retorts- You didn’t think that perhaps you could have talked to us, instead of leaving us hanging?
-You have to understand, Sam- John tries to defend- The demon was after me, I was protecting you
-No, dad- Sam replies with a hollow voice- You were protecting yourself- he says and well what can John respond when presented with the truth

The memory continues as Dean slowly sinks in the ground, disappointment and desperation filling him, before shakenly pulling his phone out once more and making another call, the first sentence he says making John´s stomach turn
-Give me a reason why I shouldn’t just blow my brains out and be done with it?- Dean says as soon as the call connects on the other end
-Because your family will miss you- a familiar female voice tells him
-They wont care- Dean laughs humorless- Hell, they will probably be happy to get rid of my useless ass
-I will miss you- Faith responds
-You will get over it- Dean retorts, tears falling freely
-I wont, and that is something you cant refute, because it involves myself and you know it- she tells him- Also you will be flanking on your promise, and that is an insult to fae culture
-What are you gonna do?- Dean asks- Kill me? Make my life a living hell? Because trust me, it already is- he says, but even with the grim topic the Winchesters realize that Dean has finally stop shaking
-Maybe revive you- Faith answers- You know, as punishment- she says, getting a small laugh from Dean, before she asks- What happened?
-I am at Lawrence, in a case that involves my old house- Dean answers- I guess, I kind of got lost inside my head.
-Do you need help?- the Fae asks with no hesitation
-No- Dean says- At least I don’t think so, I think I just needed to talk to someone that would listen. Thank you- Dean tells her, with the tears finally stopping
-Happy to serve and be of service- Faith responds- And I am serious, if you need help, you can call at any time.
-Thank you, F- Dean says one more before disconnecting the call, as the scene ends

The fact that something (someone, his mind reprimands) that he would have called a monster and gank without a second thought shows more kindness and support to his son that his own father, hits something deep inside John. Because the truth is that there is a monster in this narrative, and he sees it everytime he looks in a mirror.
Sam, for his part, is stunned into silence. He never acknowledged Dean´s struggles with more than a path in the shoulder and perhaps a quick hug, and then proceed to never mention it again. He never knew how close he was to lose Dean (he never knew how close to the edge his brother was)

The memories continue this time showing the boys at the garage that John used to own, bringing back memories to the man that had long been forgotten. The brothers interrogate John´s partner at the garage asking him if he knew something about the Winchesters disappearance, the man tells them that after the fire John claimed that something caused the fire and killed Mary, even though it was an “accident”, starting to read odd books and seeing a psychic in town. Afterwards, “Sam” starts to research psychics in town with Dean recognizing the name of Missouri Moseley as one he had read at their dad´s journal, so they head to the woman´s house to speak to speak to her.

Missouri recognize them upon arrival, giving his condolences to “Sam”, while also telling them that she doesn’t know where their father is. Dean doesn’t take the news well and makes a verbal jab towards the psychic but she rebuts telling him that she can only read thoughts and energies. She tells the boys, she is the one that told him the truth about what was out there and if the Winchesters hadn’t been paying attention they would have missed the barely there resentment that Dean quickly feels and dismiss. He recovers quickly asking the woman if she knows what killed their mom, and she tells them that she went to the house with John looking for clues, but she doesn’t know what it was, only that it was evil. “Sam” tells her that they think the creature is back in the house and that it might be related with their missing father and Jessica´s death. Dean and Missouri both getting pale at hearing this.
The scene moves on, showing the boys and Missouri going to the old house. Jenny opens the door and tells them it is not a good time, Dean, clearly off his game, tries to interject but Missouri slaps him on the back of his head, and tries to explain to the frighten woman was going on. All in all, a normal for them conversation but a phrase that Missouri says repeats inside the Winchester´s head:
-Forgive the boy- Missouri says- He means well. He is just not the sharpest tool in the shed. Now hear me out…
But whatever she says next, they don’t quite hear, too busy getting confronted with Dean´s feelings of hurt and self-hate, that he quickly tries to contain to keep his mind on the game.

Whatever Missouri says works, because Jenny grants them access to the house. They climb to Sam´s nursey and for a moment Dean feels panic as he tries to do anything possible to block bad memories from resurging. Missouri tells them that it is not the same thing that kill their mom, but it is related. She thinks that the creature that is terrorizing the family is a poltergeist that was attracted by the evil energy related to the house and that there might be a second more benign spirit. She tells them that they need to purify the house to expulse the creature.
The three split up to cover more ground and Dean takes a deep breath as he starts to work, a noise is all the warning he gets as his instincts kick in managing to duck before a knife invades itself where his face was a second before, he doesn’t hesitate either using a table as a cover and managing to put the herbs in place. He rushes upstairs to find “Sam” getting strangled by a cord, that only stops when he puts the ingredients in the spot in the wall, a white light is seen before it disappears, with Missouri exclaiming that is finally over, even if “Sam” is not convinced.

“Sam” convinces Dean to park outside the house for the night, telling him that something isn’t right, with Dean secretly agreeing that things seem to have been too easy. “Sam” looks at the window and sees Jenny asking for help making the boys jump into action. Dean hurries to the woman´s bedroom trying and failing to open the door, before kicking it out, managing to get Jenny to safety, Jenny´s kids come out the door soon after, but there is no sign of “Sam”, the little girl claims something grab him, so Dean hurries and tries to enter the house taking down the door with an ax.
Dean enters the house, finding “Sam” and a fire figure, he goes to shoot but “Sam” stops him, and Dean´s heart (along with John´s) skips a beat at seeing his mom´s ghostly figure.
The sight leaves Dean speechless, with a wheel of emotions intermixing. The moment last only a few minutes tough and as quickly as Mary appears she disappears taking the poltergeist with her.
The scene jumps to the next morning showing Jenny thanking the brothers and giving Dean some photos she found. The nostalgia Dean feels is mixed with melancholy, before he locks them inside one of the boxes inside the trunk of the Impala, before he and “Sam” drive away closing the scene and finishing the memory.

Sam stares at the blank screen for a minute, trying to keep his emotions at check. Now more than anything, he regrets not having pay attention to his brother. Through the whole case, Dean was struggling, with reason, trying to keep his head in the game, without letting it show how it was affecting him. The nostalgia and melancholy still in the air, but there is bitterness in there too, bitterness at thinking of the life they could have had in another life, and Sam doesn’t know how to process this new information
There is something inherently broken in his family, John thinks, something he broke and never bother to try and fix. Because, back then Dean needed him more than ever, and he gave excuses once again to avoid confrontation, prioritizing once more his own feelings, telling himself that Dean was going to be okay. But Dean wasn’t okay and he hadn’t been okay for a while. And one day, near the future of the memory, his eldest would climb into a bathtub and (try to) kill himself and he wouldn’t ask for help, why would he? He had no reason to believe someone would help him.

Chapter Text

While he was at Stanford, Sam had to take an obligatory psychology course, and if it hadn’t been because of Jess, he would have failed it. As a matter of fact, it remains the lowest (passing) grade he ever got, barely scraping by. Sam remembers complaining to Jess that the professor had it out for him, by marking down any questions that require a point of view on his papers and exams. It took Jess one reading to realize the problem, citing that his answers showed a complete lack of empathy and understanding, which is how Sam ended up telling Jess his “sob” story of his childhood, now blaming his father and brother for his struggles and lack of good judgment. He could have probably got a higher note had he stopped expressing his opinions. Needless to say, the professor wasn’t sad to see him go at the end of the semester. Perhaps if he had stopped complaining so much and started paying attention, he could have learned a thing or two that would have aided him to reconnect with Dean, perhaps if he hadn’t been so lost in his own head he would have learned to appreciate what Dean had done for him, maybe if he hadn’t been so stubborn, Dean wouldn’t be gone.

The screen lights up once more, this time showing the brothers inside a motel room, with “Sam” calling his dad´s old contacts trying to find someone that had spoken to him with no luck and John feels a pang of regret at seeing his sons worrying about his wellbeing knowing full well he had been avoiding them. The brothers begin to argue on screen about what their next step is before being interrupted by Dean´s phone. Dean rushes over it opening to find a text message with coordinates, and the pang of disappointment Dean feels is quickly stump out, so quickly in fact that the Winchesters watching would have missed it had they not feel it.
-Sam, this is good news- Dean says, fake reassurance dripping off his voice- It means he is okay. Or alive, at least.
-Where do the coordinates point?- “Sam” asks exasperated
-Rockford, Illinois- Dean says, before explaining to “Sam” that he found an article about a cop shooting his wife and then himself after responding a call to an asylum that their father had marked in his journal
-Unbelievable- “Sam” says angrily- He is sending us for a job
-Maybe he is there- Dean tells him
-Maybe he is not- “Sam” rebuts
-Who cares?- Dean exclaims- If he wants us there, it is good enough for me. We are going- he finalizes before the scene shifts.

Because it always has to be like that, isn’t it?, John thinks, he snaps his fingers and expects his children to fall in line, never stopping to ask questions, always expecting obedience, dangling his affection as a price. And where did that lead him? With a son that hates him and another that hates himself.

The scene continues inside a bar with Dean and “Sam” pulling a ruse to get information out of the cop´s partner. They learn that the guy shooting his wife was completely out of character, which prompt them to look more into the Asylum.
The next day, the boys investigate the place, finding that years back two teenagers die on the South Wing of the hospital, after one of them went insane, and that it is the same place the cop visited before the murders. The brothers enter the wing with caution, not getting anything more than static on Dean´s EMF meter, theorizing that the ghost might only appear at night and also might be the ones causing people to go insane.
Dean tries to light the mood up, but it falls flat, before “Sam” says
-Dean- he says- When are we going to talk about the fact that dad is not here?
-Oh, let me see. Never- Dean answers with a tint of anger in his voice- Look, he sent us here. He obviously wants us to pick up the hunt here.
-It doesn’t matter what he wants- “Sam” responds- Dad could be in trouble and we deserve answers
-We have to follow dad´s orders- Dean says- And we also need to find more about this place- he says before storming off.

Sam wants to feel angry. He really does. About his brother always following their father´s orders, about his father going off on his own, about both of them always ignoring him. But he cant be angry, at least not with Dean, not after he learned all the things he did about his brother. Back then, he remembered being angry at Dean for lacking critical thinking, but now, the only thing he can feel is sorrow for his brother on his oversized jacket looking lost on the screen.

The brothers find that the guy that was in charge of the Asylum had a son, that is now a therapist, so “Sam” decides to makes an appointment.
Frustration and anger fill the room as the Winchesters see Dean´s slouching form on the screen waiting for his brother to exit. It is so intense that they almost miss Dean´s phone ringing-
-Dean Winchester- he responds not even checking the ID.
-That tone tells me you are pissed. So what did your brother do?
-Hi, Alana, nice to hear from you too- Dean responds sarcastically, before talking a deep breath and adding- Give me a reason why I shouldn’t just leave him at the side of the road.
-You are barking at the wrong tree here, buddy- Ally says- I have no lost love for your brother or father for that matter.
-I know- Dean says calming down- But still, he thinks I am an idiot incapable of thinking for myself- and Sam´s heart almost stop at the raw hurt of his brother´s sentence- I mean, I am not asking him to follow my lead with no complain, I just sometimes wish he would at the very least respect me
-Give me five minutes with him and a spike- Ally responds, startling a laugh out of Dean, before adding- But seriously, you want to come home, you can, nobody would berate you for it, hell, I think Sonny even has a party planned.
-That I can believe- Dean exclaims with a small smile- Thanks, A, you are the best- Dean tells her
-And don’t ever forget it, Sonny´s boy- she replies
-Was there anything you need it?- Dean asks after a moment of silence
-Oh, no, I was just checking on you- she says- And also to keep you posted on the Steve situation- the girl tells Dean with a smirk
-Oh do tell- Dean asks smirking as well
-After much deliberation, he is now officially dating Coffee boy- Ally says
-So, we approve then?- Dean asks
-Meh, he is not the worst partner Steve has ever had, but I am reserving judgment until we can both put the fear of us in him- Ally says laughing
-Cant wait- Dean says, before the scene breaks.

The worst part, Sam thinks, is that he wants to agree with his brother, because Dean had every right to leave him stranded with the way that he was behaving. He was once again being a condescending jerk to the one person who was always there for him. The worst part is not the anger that Dean felt, Sam thinks, it is the tired resignation that Dean got knowing he would never meet Sam´s (unrealistic) standards.
John wants to be angry once again, except he is not exactly sure at whom. He wants to be angry at his oldest for thinking of abandoning his brother, didn’t he thought him anything?, John ignores the part of his brain that reminds him that he didn’t. He wants to be angry at Sam, cant he see that Dean is only trying to protect him?. Hell, he wants to be angry with that Alana girl and the other people of that random town (where he left Dean after he had to restore to stealing bread so Sam could eat and that had shown more concern for his son that he himself had prior to all of this), how dare she put ideas on his son´s head? In reality, he knows who he is angry at, how can he not know? He sees that person every time he looks at a mirror.

The scene speeds up to “Sam” finally exiting the doctor´s office, explaining Dean that the wing of the abandoned hospital used to be the one where they housed the criminally insane and that the night of the tragedy, the inmates riot against the staff, taking over the asylum, causing multiple deaths, with the police having been unable to recover all the bodies. The brothers theorize that there might have been several spirits causing the deaths, so they decide to investigate the asylum, but this time at night.

The scene shifts once more, and this time shows the brothers entering the mental hospital, with their equipment going crazy at the supernatural presences that surround them. However, as they encounter one of the ghosts, they are left confused as the spirit didn’t attack them. They continue walking until they hear some noise and they find a teenage girl hiding behind one of the beds. After she (Kat) calms down, she tells them that her boyfriend, Gavin, had brought her here to “hunt” some ghosts but that they had gotten split up and she had to hide after hearing him scream. Dean tries to convince her to leave, to no avail, so the brothers decide to cover more terrain by splitting up, with Dean staying with Kat, while “Sam” goes alone, and to this day the Sam watching is still no sure how he got Dean to agree to let him go on his own. Dean and Kat walk for a few minutes before Dean´s flashlight goes off, which gets Dean´s senses hackled only to discover too late that one of the spirits had grab Kat, before pulling her inside one of the rooms, with Dean trying to open up the door to no avail. “Sam” arrives a few minutes later with Gavin on his heels, and tells the girl that she had to listen to what the spirits are trying to say and it works because a few minutes later, the door opens on its own, showing a spooked but well Kat.

The girl tells them a number that both Dean and “Sam” recognize as a room number, with both hunters realizing that the spirits are trying to tell them something. Dean tells “Sam” to take both teenagers out of the abandoned asylum, before going to investigate the room number the spirits gave them and John wants to scream at Dean not to go alone. There is a certain nervousness filling the room as Dean enters the room, he finds the psychiatrist’s old journal, and as soon as he starts reading, nausea fills them as well, apparently the spirits had a good reason for being restless. Dean grabs the journal and hurries to the door, but before he gets there he almost gets a face full of rock salt. The teens tell Dean that the door was locked and they couldn’t get out, when Dean inquires about “Sam”, both teens tell him he left to the basement after receiving a call from Dean, so the older hunter hurries downstairs to try and find his brother.

When Dean arrives at the basement, “Sam” suddenly appears startling Dean and it takes only a few seconds for the feelings of wrongness to start to appear as Dean notices there is something wrong with his brother (and Sam cant help but be amazed at how well Dean knows him) “Sam” denies anything being wrong as Dean tells him about his findings at the doctor´s office, telling him that Dr. Ellicot was working on a rage therapy, which failed making the patients angrier and causing them to riot. Dean starts exploring until he finds the doctor´s hidden procedure room, theorizing that it is probably there where the body is.
Dean turns his back on “Sam” to try an open the door only for “Sam” to point him with a gun.
-Sam- Dean says- Put the gun down
-Is that an order?- “Sam” asks as his nose starts to bleed- Because I am really tired of taking your orders.
-I knew it- Dean says with a slightly wavering voice- Ellicot did something to you. What are you gonna do, Sam? Shoot me with rock salt?- before “Sam” does just that

All air seems to leave the Winchesters´ lungs, as Dean receives the shoot and suddenly both of their ribs start to hurt as well, which makes Sam feel worse at knowing he didn’t check on his brother once the ordeal was over.
-We gotta burn Ellicot´s bones and you will be back to normal- Dean says still on the floor trying to catch his breath, and the Winchesters watching cant even begin to understand how he is able to get the words out.
-I am normal- “Sam” says- Just telling the truth for the first time in a while. I mean, why are we even here? Because you are following dad´s orders like a good little soldier?- and there is no mistaking the stench of hurt that starts to fill the room at those words or the way that Dean flinches on screen- Because you always do what he says without question? You are that desperate for his approval- “Sam” yells- That is the difference between you and me, I have a mind of my own. I am not pathetic like you- he spits
-So what are you gonna do? You gonna kill me?- Dean says, and his family is not sure whether the pain is from the most likely broken ribs or from the words that “Sam” just utter- Well, then here- Dean says pulling his gun from his pocket and giving it to his brother- Let me make it easier for you- And Sam can only watch in horror as his younger self take the pistol out of Dean´s hand- You hate me that much? You think you can kill your own brother? Then go ahead and pull the trigger- Dean says in a taunting matter, that is betrayed by the quiver in his voice.

Then the “Sam” on the screen pulls the trigger and John almost jumps from his seat, but nothing happens before Dean knocks his brother out of the way and explains the gun was never loaded. Dean apologizes to “Sam” before rendering unconscious and Sam doesn’t know how to file that information.
Dean starts to look through the “lab” and finally finds the decaying body of the mad doctor, however as he starts salting it, the ghost appears hitting him on the leg with a gurney and starting his “treatment”. Pain seems to be the only thing that fill the room as the doctor shoots electricity towards Dean and it is so blinding that the Winchesters almost missed Dean reaching for his lighter and burning the body of the doctor, finally putting him to rest.
The scene pushes forward to the next morning with “Sam” giving Dean a half-hearted apology that Dean claims to accept, before the screen cuts to black.

It doesn’t take a genius to know that Dean hadn’t believe him, Sam thinks, and why would he? There was nothing close to sincere in the words that Sam had directed towards his brother, because back then Sam had meant those cruel words, hell, until a couple of hours (days?) he had still believed that. He had never even tried to understand the position his brother was put through their childhood, he had never even acknowledged anything his brother had done from him, he had thought himself superior than Dean, but now re-watching his actions he feels like the worst scum on the planet and he has no one to blame but himself
John feels like an ice bucket had just been thrown at him watching the fight between his sons. He never thought things could have escalated so far, that Sam was willing to shoot his brother, and yeah he knows that the spirit had messed with Sam´s brain but he is not naïve enough to believe that Sam´s apology was true. Sam had meant those words directed at Dean in the heat of the moment, and John cant even scold him for that, how can John berate his son, when he himself used to think that of Dean? His precious little soldier, that would never dare to go against him. The son that he molded to follow his orders, not caring about whether it hurt him or not, all in the name of protecting him and Sam (all in the name of vengeance) And where did that lead him?